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[FLUTTERRAPE] Chef Anon

By Nebulus
Created: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 16:57:04
Expiry: Never
anonsafecomedy/flutterrape/princess celestiamane 6

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: April 11th, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Day Anger in Equestria
  5. >You are Anon
  6. >Royal chef
  7. >Be screaming at your staff
  8. WHAT IS THIS?!
  9. >You grab a fist-full of mushy potatoes and hold it up to them
  10. >The ponies at the front shrink back slightly
  11. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? MASHED POTATOES?
  12. >One of the cooks steps forward and shakily nods
  13. >"I-It's for P-princess Luna, sir"
  14. >Hurl the mash at him
  15. >It hits his face and he stumbles back, screaming and trying to get the mash out of his eyes
  16. >Turn to the rest of them
  17. WHICH CUM-GUZZLING FOAL FIDDLER THOUGHT IT WAS a GOOD IDEA TO FEED MASHED POTATOES TO ROYALTY?!
  18. >A stallion at the back raises his hoof
  19. >Pick up a pan of boiling grease and toss it at him
  20. >The stallion, as well as several others before him, drop to the floor and writhe in agony as the grease burns them
  21. >Sigh and turn to your second-in-command
  22. Well, at least you don't do stupid shit like this, Windy.
  23. >Windy, a short, scared looking white stallion laughs nervously
  24. >Narrow your eyes
  25. Windy. Is there something you need to tell me?
  26. >He shakes his head and takes a step back
  27. N-not at all, Chef Anonymous, sir.
  28. >Turn to face him and bend forwards, pushing your face against his
  29. >Extend a finger and wipe it on his ear
  30. >He flinches and closes his eyes
  31. >Look at your finger, now covered in red sauce
  32. This better not be what I think it is, Windy.
  33. >He trembles in fear
  34. >Slowly lick your finger, your eyes fixed on him the whole time
  35. >The moment your tongue touches the sauce, your blood rises in temperature and you feel insanity taking hold
  36. >Ketchup.
  37. >"Well, Anonymous. I just don't know how you do it."
  38. >Celestia looks around at the kitchen
  39. >Bits of pony adorn the walls
  40. >Windy lies on his back on a grill, several knifes poking out of his chest in what appears to be a ritual sacrifice
  41. >A pile of dead bodies in sat in the corner, and a decapitated head has been hollowed out and turned into a jack-o-lantern, merrily burning away at the entrance to the kitchen
  42. >"15 good cooks, gone!"
  43. >She frowns at you
  44. >You shrug
  45. Honestly, this is just as much your fault as it is mine.
  46. >"...How?"
  47. >Stare blankly at her for a moment
  48. Can I have some more cooks?
  49. >"Well that's not up to me, Anon. This is the second time this has happened. I don't think ponies will want to work in your kitchen anymore."
  50. Not my fault none of them can cook for shit
  51. >"You could TRY to contain your anger for once."
  52. Nah. It feels good to vent. Anger makes me creative
  53. >Pull a plate out of a nearby oven
  54. Here, I made this after the massacre
  55. >You hand her a small white plate with a delightful looking treat resting on it, covered in sugar, strawberry jam and cream
  56. >Celestia squeals and chomps on it
  57. >Scratch her ear while she chews
  58. >Her back leg wiggles slightly and her wings unfurl
  59. >God damn horses
  60. >"Anyway, I'll put up an advertisement for new staff. What's for dinner?"
  61. You'll get what you're given, you pest. Now get the hell out of my kitchen.
  62. >You slap two pans together and make "OOGA BOOGA" noises while you chase the goddess out of the kitchen
  63. >She stops just before the door and steals an entire bag of sugar
  64. GOD DAMMIT!
  65. >You hear Celestia giggle madly as she runs through the doors and back to her room, no doubt to engorge herself on raw sugar
  66. >It's a miracle she isn't fatter
  67.  
  68. >A week goes by
  69. >You silently make food and mope
  70. >You miss being able to scream at people
  71. >Or ponies. Either one works
  72. >You trained under the most angry chefs in the world back on earth
  73. >Ever since you were little you dreamed of having your own team of chefs to abuse and shout at
  74. >But what is a chef without his team?
  75. >A miserable pile of non-anger
  76. >Sigh
  77. >Hear voices outside the kitchen
  78. >Your heart flutters
  79. >Even if it's not a new crew, you can still shout at them
  80. >You search frantically for your largest cleaver and hold it above your head, ready to run screaming at the unfortunate sod to walk through those doors
  81. >Celestia barges through, followed by 6 ponies
  82. >"Anonymous! I have found you some helpers!"
  83. >You blink a few times
  84. Help...eeeerrrrr?
  85. >"Oh knock it off, Anonymous. I got you a small team to help"
  86. >Look over at the ponies, who are smiling back at you
  87. >"They are strong, willing, imaginative, intelligent, have saved Equestria numerous times and are ready to help you!"
  88. Can they cook?
  89. >"How the hell should I know?"
  90. >Celestia laughs and trots into the store rooms to steal more snacks
  91. >You watch her go and look back to the group
  92. >The purple one steps forward
  93. >"Good morning, sir! My name is Twilight Sparkle, person student of Celestia!"
  94. Can you make food?
  95. >"Well... Uhh... I can make toast!"
  96. >She beams at you
  97. >You smile back at her and grip the handle of your cleaver harder
  98. >Her skull would make a nice mop bucket
  99. >Just then the pink one and the orange one step forward, the pink one bouncing right up to you and giggling
  100. >"Oh! Oh! I can cook! I can cook anything!"
  101. Oh, wonderful! Then be a dear and put together some caramelized pears with cheese soufflé and a side dish of oriental sauces, please. You have 30 minutes.
  102. >The pink one goes into hysterics and rolls around on the floor
  103. >Stare at her and then back at the orange one
  104. What about you, buffalo bessy? Can you do anything useful?
  105. >"Ah can make apples!"
  106. Anything else?
  107. >She blinks
  108. >"Ah don't understand."
  109. >Groan
  110. OY, CELESTIA
  111. >Celestia pokes her head around the corner, her mouth covered in chocolate and levitating several cakes near her
  112. >"Yes?"
  113. Get your fat ass out here and get me some real help. These idiots probably couldn't even make braising steak!
  114. >A blue horse flies up to you and begins shouting
  115. >"HEY! You don't get to talk to my friends that way!"
  116. >You bare your teeth at her, showing her your canines
  117. I bet those wings would look great with some seasoning
  118. >Lightly touch her body with your cleaver
  119. >The colour leaves her face and she backs off
  120. >"Girls, I think this guy is crazy-"
  121. >You slam your cleaver into a chopping block, creating a huge crack down the middle
  122. OF COURSE I'M CRAZY. I'M A COOK, GOD DAMMIT!
  123. >The group gasps
  124. >Celestia walks out of the store room, taking half of its contents with her in a golden aura
  125. >"Oh, I forgot to mention, Anon. I told them that they'd get medals in friendship or something if they helped you"
  126. >She stuffs a jam tart down her gullet
  127. >"I'm off to go do political stuff. Cheerio!"
  128. >She trots out, her ass jiggling with each step
  129. >Silence reigns
  130. >Turn back to the group
  131. >Twilight smiles at you
  132. >"So! Shall we get to work?"
  133.  
  134. >You walk around, eyes darting all over your kitchen
  135. >Once again, busy chatter fills the air, but it's more controlled than what you're used to
  136. >Pass Applejack, who is busy rolling out some pastry
  137. What's this?
  138. >"Apple pie! All ah need now are some apples!"
  139. They're in the store room. Celestia doesn't eat fruit.
  140. >Applejack thanks you and dashes off to the back room
  141. >Notice that an oven is running at 300
  142. >Open it
  143. >Pinkie Pie is reading a book with a nightcap on
  144. >"Do you mind?"
  145. Sorry.
  146. >Close the oven
  147. >Wait
  148. >Almost tear off the door
  149. >Reach in and grab the red hot pony
  150. >Your hand burns but the rage dulls the pain
  151. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
  152. >Pinkie giggles
  153. >Cut her off before she can utter her second "hehe"
  154. SHUT UP. YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, SO DO IT!
  155. >Pinkie's smile wavers
  156. >"You don't have to be so mean about it..."
  157. >She drops to the floor and sulks, before walking over to a chopping board and slicing up some cucumber in silence
  158. >Rub your temples
  159. >Follow her to apologise
  160. >Prod her
  161. Look, I-
  162. >She melts
  163. >Stare in shock as the pony seems to turn to mush
  164. >A pink puddle on the floor now stares back at you with big blue googly eyes
  165. >Scoop it up and put it in a measuring jug
  166. >Put it in a cupboard and pretend that it didn't happen
  167. >Look around
  168. >No one saw it
  169. >Good
  170. >Stroll away, whistling a tune
  171. >Observe Fluttershy over her shoulder
  172. >She's drawing dicks in the flour
  173. >Clear your throat
  174. >She screams and blows away the flour, causing white powder to fly everywhere
  175. >Fluttershy spins around to face you
  176. >"Oh! Umm H-hello mister Anon!"
  177. >She blushes
  178. >"Come to... Assist me?"
  179. >What.
  180. >She begins rubbing flour all over herself
  181. >Look over your shoulder at the rest of the staff
  182. >Then back at Fluttershy
  183. >She's licking her lips and covering herself in flour
  184. >"Oh dear! I'm so dirty! Looks like you'll have to clean me!"
  185. >You shrug
  186. >Pick her up
  187. >And put her in the sink used to clean massive dishes
  188. >Cover her in water
  189. >The flour inevitably turns into dough
  190. >She squirms, the dough slowing her movements
  191. >You watch with a smirk as she tries to move closer to you, the dough acting like glue and preventing her from doing anything
  192. >Leave Fluttershy in the sink and go over to Twilight, who is dissecting a bell pepper
  193. You're meant to cook it, not experiment on it.
  194. >"Oh! But I figured out a spell to make them bigger! Watch!"
  195. >She focuses her magic and infuses the pepper
  196. >It grows to 10 times its original size
  197. Woah! That's actually quite useful!
  198. >Pat her on the back
  199. Nice job, twinkle toes. I could fashion this into a dish.
  200. >At that moment the bell pepper shudders
  201. >You and Twilight look at each other
  202. >The pepper violently shakes, and a jagged limb explodes from its back
  203. >The limb ends in a huge scythe
  204. >Another one explodes out of the other side of it
  205. >Arms and legs sprout from the pepper, all tipped with some kind of sharp point
  206. >The pepper then grows a mouth, filled with knife-like teeth, and shrieks
  207. >You wince at the noise and duck as the pepper jumps over you
  208. >It runs into the storeroom
  209. >Hear Applejack scream
  210. >Hear curses and yells of "help"
  211. >A loud crash and several bangs follow
  212. >Applejack runs out of the storeroom, covered in deep cuts and clutching a shattered broom handle
  213. >She slams the door and locks it, wheezing
  214. >Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight rush over to comfort their friend
  215. >They scream at you to help
  216. Seriously? Get back to work, you idiots
  217. >Rarity seems mortified
  218. >"Applejack is injured! She needs help!"
  219. Ehh, walk it off. I once had a guy who lost 3 legs and still got back to work despite blood loss
  220. >You sniff
  221. >You miss Haystack sometimes. He knew what it meant to be a chef
  222. >Shame he died shortly after making the soup
  223. Cooking is a grisly job. If you can't handle it, get out.
  224. >You turn and head back to your post, where you slice up vegetables and prepare a kind of spicy-gravy
  225. >Hear several loud bangs
  226. >Ignore it and keep slicing
  227. >"OH SWEET CELESTIA! THE PEPPER HAS ZOMBIFIED ALL THE OTHER FRUIT AND VEG! EVERYPONY RUN!"
  228. >You hear screams and horrifying roars emitted from the mutant zombie fruit
  229. >Ignore it and keep slicing
  230. >Hear Twilight vapourising things, the smell of burnt fruit and vegetables filling your nostrils
  231. >"RARITY DOWN! RARITY DOWN!"
  232. >"GO ON WITHOUT ME, TWILIGHT!"
  233. >"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!"
  234. >You reach for a couple of potatoes and start peeling them so you can boil them later
  235. >After 10 or so minutes, you turn around again
  236. >The kitchen is utterly destroyed
  237. >Twilight is rocking back and forth under the sink
  238. >Applejack is holding Rarity in her hooves
  239. >Rarity is covered in pepper seed and sticky goo
  240. >"Com'on, Rare! Jus’ hold on a lil' bit longer!"
  241. >Rarity smiles softly and strokes Applejack's face
  242. >"T-there there, Applejack... I'll be... F-..."
  243. >She goes limp
  244. >Applejack lets out a long, drawn out "NOOOO"
  245. She dead?
  246. >"Nah. Just knocked out."
  247. >She drops Rarity and gets back to work
  248. >Rainbow Dash is talking way too fast
  249. >"And did you see what I did to that orange?! Ohmygosh it was SO COOL!"
  250. I don't care.
  251. >"I know right! I'm SO. AWESOME!"
  252. >She squeals, flies out the backdoor, and starts pleasuring herself
  253. >You know that she does that, because you can hear her grunting and saying her own name over and over again
  254. >Fucking Cerulean-Flight-Fast-Go-Speedy-Neigh
  255. >You look down and see the measuring jug of Pinkie wobbling and trying to bounce around
  256. >Move it back to where it was
  257. >The Pinkie-Goo growls in frustration
  258. >Move over to the sink to clean your knife
  259. >Look up
  260. >A solid mass of goo is blinking at you
  261. Fluttershy.
  262. >"mmmMGhmmMM."
  263. >Move back to your post and slice up more ingredients in peace, putting a couple of things on the stove and in the oven
  264. >Rainbow walks back in, shudders, and runs back outside after grabbing a cucumber off the counter
  265. >Look at the clock
  266. >It's been an hour.
  267. >How the shit have you lost half your crew in an hour.
  268. >Look around
  269. >Applejack is the only one working, Twilight is just twitching on the floor and not doing anything
  270. >Scratch that, you lost 5/6ths of your team in an hour
  271. >That's a new record of some kind
  272. >A servant walks in through the doors, look around the room, and walks back out
  273. >Stroll after him and drag him kicking and screaming back in
  274. Waddya want, sonny?
  275. >"T-the princesses are hungry..."
  276. The princesses are ALWAYS hungry, boy.
  277. >"I-I mean it's time for dinner."
  278. Fuck. Fine.
  279. >Grip his tail and fling him out
  280. Team! Form up!
  281. >Applejack trots over to you
  282. >Rainbow collapses through the back door, utterly exhausted
  283. >She catches her reflection in a shiny pot
  284. >Grabs a few carrots
  285. >And runs back out
  286. >Applejack smiles at you
  287. Right, Applehorse. We need to make something for the princesses. You up to the task?
  288. >"Sure thing, boss! Waddya have in mind?"
  289. Something that isn't apples.
  290. >Applejack's lower jaw drops open and she starts drooling
  291. >Close it for her
  292. Come on. Lets make a cake or some shit. They don't eat properly anyway.
  293. >You and Applejack assemble a quick cake and send it out
  294. Huh. That didn't take long at all. And I only lost...
  295. >Hold up a hand
  296. Three fingers.
  297. >Celestia will magic some back later. She always does
  298. >You know what they say about chefs
  299. >Their own sweat and blood goes into their work
  300. >You watch as the various servants take the cake out and serve it up to the princesses
  301. >Sigh
  302. Another meal made. Another calamity survived. Honestly, Applejack. I just don't know how I do it.
  303. >Applejack shrugs
  304. >"Maybe it was friendship"
  305. >Stare at her
  306. That's fucking retarded
  307. >"Ah know."
  308. >You both stand in silence for a while
  309. Hold the fucking phone, why was the cake bright pink?
  310. >AJ motions to the empty, pink stained measuring jug
  311. >"Ah used that icin' ya made"
  312. Oh my god.
  313. >Run out of the kitchen and towards the royal dining room in time to see Celestia eat an entire cake
  314. YOU FAT FUCK!
  315. >Her ears flatten
  316. >"Buh uh eed iiihh"
  317. YOU DON'T NEED SHIT YOU OVERSIZED BEAN BAG
  318. >She doubles over
  319. >"Oh, my... What was in there, Anonymous?"
  320. >At that moment, her head is tossed back and her jaw opens as wide as it can
  321. >Pinkie Pie, fully formed, explodes from Celestia's gullet like an overjoyed xenomorph
  322. >"SURPRISE!"
  323. >Luna screams and falls off her chair
  324. >She waves her hooves around in the air and wails
  325. >"HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!"
  326. Fuck this, I'm out.
  327. >You storm back to your kitchen
  328. >When you get there, Rainbow Dash is trying to insert an entire banana into herself
  329. >Fluttershy has escaped from the dough and is sticking your favourite knife inside her anus, handle first
  330. >"A-are knives what get you hot, Anon? Do you want to... grill me?"
  331. >You tear the knife out of her rectum
  332. >Sob
  333. >And throw it in the incinerator that you just have lying around in the corner of the room
  334. >Pick up Fluttershy
  335. >Carry her out the backdoor
  336. >Trip up on a load of soggy carrots lying on the floor
  337. >Fall on your back
  338. >Fluttershy lands on your chest
  339. >"You're hurt! Let me kiss it better!"
  340. >She mushes her face against yours
  341. >Your rage knows no bounds
  342. >Throw her in a bin
  343. >Carry the bin all the way from the castle to the Canterlot train tracks
  344. >Wait an entire hour, the bin held over your head with Fluttershy banging around inside it the whole time
  345. >See a train coming
  346. >Throw the bin onto the tracks
  347. >The train slams into the bin and obliterates it
  348. >Run back to the kitchens
  349. >Grip Rainbow Dash, hoof deep inside herself
  350. >Throw her in the incinerator
  351. >Find Twilight, rocking back and forth under a table
  352. >Grip her horn and drag her out of the kitchen and towards the griffon ambassador's house
  353. >Toss her inside with a piece of paper saying "Din dins"
  354. >Run back to the kitchen
  355. >Rarity wakes up as you get inside
  356. >She tries to flirt with you
  357. >Force feed her bell peppers until she passes out again
  358. >Applejack stares at you once you've finished you fast paced rampage
  359. >"Uhh, aren't ya gonna do somethin to me?"
  360. >Glare at her
  361. >Grin
  362. Sure. How'd you like to be my second in command?
  363. >She screams and runs out the door
  364. >Watch her go, too tired to follow her
  365. >Slump to the floor and hold your head in your hands
  366. >You sit there for what seems like hours, just thinking about how bad your life is with these ponies
  367. >Stand up after a while
  368. >Go over to the store room
  369. >A single can of beans is left
  370. >Open it
  371. >Spend the rest of your evening chugging beans and complaining about how stupid ponies are to the various kitchen appliances
  372. >All in all it was a pretty normal day.
  373.  
  374. The End.

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