[FLUTTERRAPE] Matchmaker


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: June 3rd, 2013

                                            ---


                                            >Day Hitched in Equestria

                                            >Wake up

                                            >Shit shower shave

                                            >Walk downstairs and prepare to end your average day morning ritual

                                            >To your slight disappointment, nothing interesting happens while you eat your cereal

                                            >Which sucks

                                            >Last month your food caught fire because you had accidently bought white phosphorus instead of oatmeal

                                            >That was a tough meal to stomach

                                            >Put your bowl in the kitchen sink and go to the front door, checking yourself in the mirror before you go

                                            >Open the door

                                            >Trip over Fluttershy

                                            >Slide along the floor

                                            Ugh...

                                            >"Good morning!"

                                            >Her friendly attitude is poisonous this early in the morning

                                            Fuggoff.

                                            >"Pardon?"

                                            FUGGOFF.

                                            >"I can't understand you with your face pressed into the dirt, Anonymous"

                                            >Remove your face from the dusty path

                                            I SAID FU- what the shit are you wearing.

                                            >"Oh, this? It's nothing."

                                            >She's wearing live sparklers

                                            >She winces every time a spark hits her face

                                            Doesn't that hurt?

                                            >"Love hurts, Anon."

                                            Fucking hell, Fluttershy. Just how desperate are you?

                                            >"I'm desperate for your dick, hunky bear!"

                                            Really?

                                            >"Oh yes! I want to-"

                                            No, I mean, REALLY? These are the pickup lines you're using?

                                            >"...They aren't working?"

                                            Mother fuh.. No, they aren't working. Why would they work on ANYONE?

                                            >"Because I love you?"

                                            Are you delusional?

                                            >"Love makes you delusional, Anon"

                                            DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

                                            >"Um..."

                                            >Sigh and rub your eyes

                                            Alright, listen. Fluttershy. I don't love you. Okay? You might have these fucked up little feelings for me, but I don't love you, okay?

                                            >"Can we have sex now?"

                                            Are you serious?

                                            >"I can be top if you want."

                                            You're not even listening to me, are you?

                                            >"Oh yeah, baby."

                                            You're just hearing what you want to hear.

                                            >"You DO love me!"

                                            >Slap her

                                            >"Ouch!"

                                            >Tears well in her eyes

                                            >"I-if this is what gets y-you off, I'll do it, Anon..."

                                            STOP TALKING, FLUTTERSHY.

                                            >She shuts up

                                            >Let out an exasperated groan

                                            You're out in full force today, aren't you? I don't think you've ever laid it on this hard.

                                            >"I'll lay you ha-"

                                            NO.

                                            >"Okay..."

                                            >You sigh and sit down cross legged

                                            >She cocks her head

                                            Sit, Fluttershy.

                                            >She places her butt on the path

                                            Look at me.

                                            >She looks up from your dick

                                            Now, I want you to be absolutely serious with me here, okay?

                                            >She gulps

                                            >"O-okay?"

                                            Right.

                                            >Clasp your hands together and point at her with them

                                            Have you ever had a boyfriend?

                                            >She stares at you

                                            >Wait for an answer patiently

                                            >Birds in a nearby tree tweet

                                            >You watch as her eyes un-focus and drift skyward

                                            >Remain perfectly still and watch her zone out

                                            FLUTTERSHY

                                            >"AH! YES!"

                                            You HAVE had a boyfriend?

                                            >"W-what? Umm... Well, n-no..."

                                            >That was expected

                                            >Stand up again

                                            >Motion Fluttershy to do the same

                                            Fluttershy, have you ever shown an interest in another pony?

                                            >"N-not really..."

                                            Have you ever had a crush?

                                            >"Umm..."

                                            Have you ever been kissed?

                                            >She blushes deeply

                                            Have you ever had any kind of intimate interaction with a member of the opposite sex?

                                            >"W-well I touched your junk once-"

                                            I don't count. I'm talking about stallions here.

                                            >She goes quiet and hides behind her mane whimpering

                                            >Kneel down and move her head

                                            Shy, seriously, did you even go out in your childhood?

                                            >"I... I didn't have any friends..."

                                            >D'aww

                                            >You remain stone faced, though.

                                            >Straighten up again

                                            Right. I know what I must do.

                                            >"Oh yes, Anon! I will marry you!"

                                            >Slap her again

                                            >"P-please stop doing that..."

                                            Fluttershy!

                                            >She looks up at you cautiously, expecting another slap

                                            We're going to get you a stallion.

                                            >Fluttershy stares dumbfounded at you

                                            >"I... No thank you, I umm... I need to tend animals..."

                                            >She attempts an exit

                                            >Grab her tail and yank her back

                                            >"A-a-anon, I don't want this p-please, no, please."

                                            >She starts stammering even harder than usual and going the colour of beetroot

                                            >Though that might be because you're holding her upside down by her tail

                                            >Alter your grip so that you're holding her up with two hands

                                            >She trembles

                                            >"I don't like talking to stallions..."

                                            Yet you feel fine talking to me

                                            >"Because I lo-"

                                            No you don't.

                                            >Fluttershy's ears go back

                                            Come on. Let's go find you a man.

                                            >"You're a man"

                                            Stallion. I meant stallion. Shut up.

                                            >As you stroll into town with Fluttershy under your arm, your mind is working overtime to try and pluck as many Strong-Independent-Female TV shows from your memory

                                            >Surely one of them holds the answer to "grabbing a man and holding on for dear life"

                                            >Your brain plays a sound bite of a black woman wagging her finger and saying "MMM HMMM" to a laugh track

                                            >Fluttershy doesn't stop trembling the entire time

                                            >Look down at her as you walk

                                            >Her eyes are fixed on the floor

                                            You really hate talking to ponies, don't you?

                                            >"N-no... I like my friends though..."

                                            >Pat her on the head with your free hand

                                            There there, Shy, there there. I was like you once.

                                            >"You were a Pegasus in love with a human?"

                                            ...No. I meant I was socially retarded.

                                            >"How did you fix it?"

                                            By not being socially retarded.

                                            >Smooth as fuck, Anon

                                            >Thanks, brain.

                                            >You walk straight into Sugarcube Corner and up to the counter, a confident grin on your face and a terrified horse under your arm

                                            >On Earth, people might question your motives

                                            >But here, all that people ask is-

                                            >"Hiya, Anon! What can I getcha?"

                                            Heya, Pinks. Could I have an apple strudel, and one for my horse as well.

                                            >"Don't be silly, Anon. Fluttershy isn't a horse! She's a pony!"

                                            Eh, same difference. I also need an outside table

                                            >"But you can just take one, silly! You don't need to ask me that!"

                                            I know. But I did it anyway because I love hearing you talk.

                                            >Pinkie Pie giggles

                                            >"Well then, I'll go get your strudel, mister."

                                            >She winks and trots into the kitchen

                                            >You hoist Fluttershy up a bit, causing her to squeak, and walk back outside, setting her down in a seat

                                            >Sit across from her

                                            >She look back indoors, then back at you

                                            You see what I did there?

                                            >"Y-you hit on Pinkie?"

                                            Aye. See how easy it was?

                                            >"I... Suppose."

                                            Think you could do that?

                                            >"Hit on Pinkie? I don't think my barn door swings that way, Anon..."

                                            No, you moron. I mean hit on a stallion as easily as I hit on Pinkie. It wasn't even a good line, but it made her smile, didn't it?

                                            >Fluttershy taps her chin thoughtfully

                                            >Pinkie Pie bounces up to you, tray in hand

                                            >You pluck your treat off it and hand the other one to Fluttershy

                                            Thanks, Pinkie

                                            >She grins at you

                                            >"No problem, Nonny."

                                            >She lightly nudges your arm with a hoof and turns to walk away, a small, cute smile on her lips

                                            >Fluttershy's eyes are wide

                                            >"B-but Pinkie doesn't even like you that way!"

                                            She does now, and also, how the hell would you even know that?

                                            >"I don't know"

                                            >Shake your head and eat your sugar covered pastry, savouring the apple within

                                            >Fluttershy nibbles on hers in silence

                                            >You start thinking of possible matches for Fluttershy, but first you need a second opinion on what you're working with here

                                            >A stallion strolls past your table

                                            Hey, buddy

                                            >He turns his head and is evidently shocked to have been approached by the local alien so casually

                                            >"Uhh, yes?"

                                            I have no idea how to gauge a pony's attractiveness, so spare me the trouble and tell me how hot she is

                                            >Point at Fluttershy

                                            >The stallion thinks about it

                                            >"Hmm... Nine out of ten"

                                            Shit, seriously?

                                            >"Yup. She was a model once, you know"

                                            Alright, thanks, man.

                                            >"I'm not a man-"

                                            Whatever.

                                            >He walks off and you look back at Fluttershy, who seems to be utterly livid

                                            >"A-ANON!"

                                            Yo.

                                            >"Y-y-you can't just ask ponies that! It was so... Embarrassing..."

                                            Why? You got complimented. Didn't it feel good? Haven't you ever been complimented by a guy?

                                            >"Well this one time, you said I suited the sexy clown costume!"

                                            That was a joke. It was also a horrible fetish guess. I'm actually scared shitless of clowns

                                            >"Oh... Sorry..."

                                            I might just make things more awkward now that you've reminded me of that. Consider it pay back

                                            >She 'eeps' and tries to hide her entire face behind her mane

                                            >Not that you care

                                            >Your mind is on other things

                                            >Namely, a match you think might work.

                                            >You lick your fingers and snap them

                                            Come on, I know where to start

                                            >"C-can't we go home? I don't want to do this..."

                                            I didn't want to live in a world of cartoon horses, but hey, I adapted, didn't I?

                                            >"Well I'm glad you're here..."

                                            I'm not. I had video games at home

                                            >"We have video games"

                                            'Button Presser 5' isn't a game.

                                            >Ponies haven't got much room for creativity when they only have hooves to control their games with.

                                            >You stand up and head straight in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres

                                            >A smile grows on your face

                                            >This is gonna be fun


                                            >"Are you sure, Anon?"

                                            I've never been more sure about anything in my life.

                                            >"You said that about your decision not to marry me."

                                            Second most sure thing in my life, then.

                                            >You are both sat in a bush, looking out at the tall, muscular farm pony.

                                            >Big Macintosh.

                                            >He's absolutely perfect for Fluttershy

                                            >Quiet, hardworking, gentle, and probably good looking

                                            >Though you can't tell with ponies

                                            So, you remember what to do?

                                            >"No..."

                                            Ugh. Walk up to him, and ask for his name.

                                            >"But I already know Mac."

                                            Then ask him how he's doing and if he can talk for a moment, then let the conversation flow from there.

                                            >"O...kay?"

                                            Good. NOW GO.

                                            >Shove her out the bush and watch her roll down the hill towards Mac like a sexually deprived bowling ball

                                            >She slams into his legs

                                            >That gets his attention

                                            >Pick up the bush and shuffle towards the pair so that you can listen in

                                            >You're not even aware of how you managed to lift up a bush, or why it wasn't attached to the floor

                                            >But whatever.

                                            >Anon the match-maker cares not for conventional physics.

                                            >"Ya okay there, Miss Fluttershy?"

                                            >"O-oh, y-yes... Umm... I'm F-Fluttershy..."

                                            >Mac's apathetic look changes to apathetic with a tiny hint of confusion

                                            >"Ah know that, Fluttershy."

                                            >He chuckles

                                            >"What can ah do fer ya?"

                                            >Fluttershy picks herself up and looks at the floor

                                            >"Umm... C-can I talk to you for a second?"

                                            >"Eeyup"

                                            >...

                                            ...

                                            >"..."

                                            >"..."

                                            >"Well don'cha want to say somethin'?"

                                            >"Oh! Yes! Umm... H-hello..."

                                            >"Uhh, Hi."

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >Jesus fucking Christ this mare has the social capabilities of a walnut

                                            >Mutter under your breath

                                            Say something, you god damn horse

                                            >...

                                            >Big Mac clears his throat

                                            >Fluttershy scuffs the ground with a hoof

                                            >Mac looks back at the tree he was about to kick, then back at Fluttershy

                                            >"Ya know, It was real nice talkin' to ya, Fluttershy. But ah gotta go now."

                                            >"O-okay..."

                                            >Mac shrugs and switches over the stalk in his mouth to the other side

                                            >Walks back to his tree

                                            >And continues working

                                            >Fluttershy is stood completely rigid and staring at the ground

                                            >Sigh and step out the bush

                                            >Pick up Fluttershy and shove her under your arm

                                            >Mac sees you

                                            >He waves

                                            >Wave back and point to Fluttershy

                                            >He nods

                                            >You nod back. completely understanding him.

                                            >GUY TALK.

                                            Never in all my life have I seen a being so awkward. And my cousin used to eat paste.

                                            >"L-lots of foals eat paste..."

                                            He was 32.

                                            >"Oh..."

                                            >You're sat inside Fluttershy's cottage

                                            >You glance left and see a framed picture of you under the shower on a small table

                                            >Place it face down so you don't have to look at it.

                                            You alright?

                                            >Fluttershy apparently went into shock shortly after Mac left

                                            >She's currently wrapped up in a blanket with a hot water bottle on her head

                                            >You had no idea how to treat shock, so you just decided that it must be the same as Flu, since everyone is so shocked when they get it.

                                            >Fluttershy shudders

                                            >"Oh Anon! It was just awful! He was staring me down with his oppressive eyes and undressing me with them as well! If you weren't there, he might have r-raped me!"

                                            >Blink

                                            >Stare at her

                                            >She looks back

                                            >Continue to stare

                                            >You heard her, but your brain has the information in it's hands and is re-reading it over and over again whilst saying "What the fuck"

                                            Did you actually just say that?

                                            >"Umm, yes?"

                                            Did you actually just... Say. That.

                                            >"Y-yes?"

                                            >Your mind shuts off

                                            >Fluttershy

                                            >Rape

                                            >Oppressive

                                            >Mac

                                            >Undress

                                            >Rape

                                            >Fluttershy

                                            >Undress

                                            >Macinshy

                                            >Rapeintosh

                                            >Start drooling

                                            >Black out.


                                            >Wake up in Fluttershy's bed

                                            >Luckily, you're still clothed

                                            >Flutters is stood next to it

                                            >"Are you okay?"

                                            >Throw off the covers

                                            >"W-want me to-"

                                            DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU LAID AND THAT'S FINAL

                                            >Grab the small horse and jump out her bedroom window, hitting the floor and rolling

                                            >Fluttershy is squealing the entire time

                                            >"T-THAT WAS DANGEROUS!"

                                            Shut up shut up shut up don't talk just DON'T. TALK.

                                            >She goes silent

                                            >Briskly walk to the park, the pony under your arm dangling there feeling sorry for herself

                                            >Reach your destination and sit down on a bench

                                            >Take a deep breath

                                            >Don't think about before, Anon. Just don't.

                                            >Alright. We're clear, go.

                                            >Turn to Fluttershy, who is sat next to you

                                            Okay, disregarding that little hiccup, what do you look for in a stallion?

                                            >"Oh! That's easy!"

                                            >Progress! At last!

                                            >"I like them to be kind... Generous... Good with animals... Strong, Handsome and Bipedal

                                            Uh huh, uh huh, uh- wait.

                                            >Give her a flat look

                                            >She beams back

                                            >"Will you be my special somep-"

                                            No. Listen, you might need to lower your standards a bit. Having them that high will bite you in the ass later.

                                            >She looks down

                                            >"Sorry..."

                                            Stop apologising.

                                            >"Sorry..."

                                            Fuckin-

                                            >Groan again

                                            >This is harder than you thought

                                            >Look around the park for any stallions that are alone

                                            >See one on a bench reading a book

                                            Right. Him.

                                            >"What?"

                                            The time is now, small horse. Come on.

                                            >Grab her before she can scramble away and walk over to the stallion

                                            >He looks up from his book and sees an alien holding a pony looming over him

                                            Hi.

                                            >"Hello? Can I... Help you?"

                                            Yes.

                                            >Trust Fluttershy forwards similar to how a child thrusts a doll at her parent

                                            Pony. You like?

                                            >"Uh, n-no, thank you. Are you okay, miss?"

                                            >She doesn't answer, she just sqeaks

                                            Are you sure you don't want this? I can't seem to get rid of it.

                                            >"Now hold on, you could at least refer to her as a... Well, her!"

                                            So do you think she's attractive?

                                            >He blushes

                                            >"W-well, yes, but-"

                                            Would you stick it in her?

                                            >"I... I ca-"

                                            Yes or no, man, I don't have all day.

                                            >"Y- NO! No, I wouldn't."

                                            Why not. You gay or something?

                                            >He blushes even harder

                                            >"Actually... Uhh..."

                                            >Pull Fluttershy back a bit

                                            ...Oh...

                                            >"Yeah..."

                                            Uhh, sorry.

                                            >"It's okay."

                                            >He smiles shyly up at you

                                            >"B-but I think you look alright! Would you like to go for some coffee sometime?"

                                            >Ponder this

                                            >Wait, no you don't. Nigga you ain't gay

                                            No thanks, uhh..?

                                            >"Caramel"

                                            Caramel. Sorry for wasting your time

                                            >"It wasn't wasted, stud."

                                            >He gets up and winks before walking off with his book

                                            >Why does it always have to be you.

                                            >Fluttershy is oddly quiet

                                            >Like a corpse

                                            >Dark simile there, brain.

                                            >Sorry

                                            >You walk around town with Fluttershy under your arm looking for ponies to annoy

                                            >Talk to her while you walk

                                            You're really hard work, you know that?

                                            >"Sorry..."

                                            Ugh.

                                            >You see a group of stallions up ahead

                                            Alright, Fluttershy, I didn't want to have to do this, but you've forced my hand.

                                            >Run up to them

                                            >Point at the nearest

                                            YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM.

                                            >"S-seabreeze! I'm from Canterlot!"

                                            DO YOU LIKE FLUTTERSHY?

                                            >"NO!"

                                            FINE.

                                            >Point to his friend.

                                            NAME. OCCUPATION. FAVOURITE MOVIE.

                                            >"Pearjohn, gardener, Stable Whorses 7!"

                                            SHIT NAME. SHIT JOB. PLEB TASTES.

                                            >Point to the last one, who looks stricken with fear

                                            NA-

                                            >"THUNDERLANE WEATHER PONY SPIDERMARE 3 AND PONYVILLE"

                                            DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!

                                            >"W-WHAT?!"

                                            DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!

                                            >Rub Fluttershy's body against his face

                                            >She trembles and goes redder than a tomato

                                            >"Y-YES! I DO!"

                                            >Pull Fluttershy back and smile at him

                                            >Pat him on the back

                                            >Place Fluttershy on the floor

                                            Well alright then! Fluttershy, meet Thunderlane. Go do pony things now.

                                            >Shoo them away with your hands

                                            >Thunderlane's mouth is agape, like he just won the lottery

                                            >"N-no way! I get to date Fluttershy?! She's crazy hot!"

                                            Less beta, more alpha

                                            >He clears his throat and puffs out his chest

                                            >"R-right. Yeah. Okay."

                                            >You watch him lead Fluttershy away

                                            >She looks over your shoulder at you, looking similar to a fat kid on the first day of high school

                                            >Smile and wave at her

                                            Have fun!

                                            >"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

                                            >Sigh happily

                                            Damn, I'm good.


                                            >Walk home, exhausted after a day of setting horses up on dates

                                            I should be a relationship counsellor.

                                            >Unlock your front door and step through

                                            >All your curtains are shut and it's dark as hell in your living room

                                            >Fumble around and switch on the lights

                                            >"Hey there, Anon."

                                            >Pinkie Pie is sprawled out on your sofa, giving you the bedroom eyes.

                                            >"Wanna feed me your frosting?"

                                            Hell yeah.

                                            >Fucking Pinkie Pie.


                                            The End