GREEN   41    2929   16.64 KB

[FLUTTERRAPE] Matchmaker

By Nebulus
Created: 17th December 2020 06:58:11 PM

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: June 3rd, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Day Hitched in Equestria
  5. >Wake up
  6. >Shit shower shave
  7. >Walk downstairs and prepare to end your average day morning ritual
  8. >To your slight disappointment, nothing interesting happens while you eat your cereal
  9. >Which sucks
  10. >Last month your food caught fire because you had accidently bought white phosphorus instead of oatmeal
  11. >That was a tough meal to stomach
  12. >Put your bowl in the kitchen sink and go to the front door, checking yourself in the mirror before you go
  13. >Open the door
  14. >Trip over Fluttershy
  15. >Slide along the floor
  16. Ugh...
  17. >"Good morning!"
  18. >Her friendly attitude is poisonous this early in the morning
  19. Fuggoff.
  20. >"Pardon?"
  21. FUGGOFF.
  22. >"I can't understand you with your face pressed into the dirt, Anonymous"
  23. >Remove your face from the dusty path
  24. I SAID FU- what the shit are you wearing.
  25. >"Oh, this? It's nothing."
  26. >She's wearing live sparklers
  27. >She winces every time a spark hits her face
  28. Doesn't that hurt?
  29. >"Love hurts, Anon."
  30. Fucking hell, Fluttershy. Just how desperate are you?
  31. >"I'm desperate for your dick, hunky bear!"
  32. Really?
  33. >"Oh yes! I want to-"
  34. No, I mean, REALLY? These are the pickup lines you're using?
  35. >"...They aren't working?"
  36. Mother fuh.. No, they aren't working. Why would they work on ANYONE?
  37. >"Because I love you?"
  38. Are you delusional?
  39. >"Love makes you delusional, Anon"
  40. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
  41. >"Um..."
  42.  
  43. 1/?
  44.  
  45. >Sigh and rub your eyes
  46. Alright, listen. Fluttershy. I don't love you. Okay? You might have these fucked up little feelings for me, but I don't love you, okay?
  47. >"Can we have sex now?"
  48. Are you serious?
  49. >"I can be top if you want."
  50. You're not even listening to me, are you?
  51. >"Oh yeah, baby."
  52. You're just hearing what you want to hear.
  53. >"You DO love me!"
  54. >Slap her
  55. >"Ouch!"
  56. >Tears well in her eyes
  57. >"I-if this is what gets y-you off, I'll do it, Anon..."
  58. STOP TALKING, FLUTTERSHY.
  59. >She shuts up
  60. >Let out an exasperated groan
  61. You're out in full force today, aren't you? I don't think you've ever laid it on this hard.
  62. >"I'll lay you ha-"
  63. NO.
  64. >"Okay..."
  65. >You sigh and sit down cross legged
  66. >She cocks her head
  67. Sit, Fluttershy.
  68. >She places her butt on the path
  69. Look at me.
  70. >She looks up from your dick
  71. Now, I want you to be absolutely serious with me here, okay?
  72. >She gulps
  73. >"O-okay?"
  74. Right.
  75. >Clasp your hands together and point at her with them
  76. Have you ever had a boyfriend?
  77. >She stares at you
  78. >Wait for an answer patiently
  79. >Birds in a nearby tree tweet
  80. >You watch as her eyes un-focus and drift skyward
  81. >Remain perfectly still and watch her zone out
  82. FLUTTERSHY
  83. >"AH! YES!"
  84. You HAVE had a boyfriend?
  85. >"W-what? Umm... Well, n-no..."
  86. >That was expected
  87.  
  88. 2/?
  89.  
  90. >Stand up again
  91. >Motion Fluttershy to do the same
  92. Fluttershy, have you ever shown an interest in another pony?
  93. >"N-not really..."
  94. Have you ever had a crush?
  95. >"Umm..."
  96. Have you ever been kissed?
  97. >She blushes deeply
  98. Have you ever had any kind of intimate interaction with a member of the opposite sex?
  99. >"W-well I touched your junk once-"
  100. I don't count. I'm talking about stallions here.
  101. >She goes quiet and hides behind her mane whimpering
  102. >Kneel down and move her head
  103. Shy, seriously, did you even go out in your childhood?
  104. >"I... I didn't have any friends..."
  105. >D'aww
  106. >You remain stone faced, though.
  107. >Straighten up again
  108. Right. I know what I must do.
  109. >"Oh yes, Anon! I will marry you!"
  110. >Slap her again
  111. >"P-please stop doing that..."
  112. Fluttershy!
  113. >She looks up at you cautiously, expecting another slap
  114. We're going to get you a stallion.
  115. >Fluttershy stares dumbfounded at you
  116. >"I... No thank you, I umm... I need to tend animals..."
  117. >She attempts an exit
  118. >Grab her tail and yank her back
  119. >"A-a-anon, I don't want this p-please, no, please."
  120. >She starts stammering even harder than usual and going the colour of beetroot
  121. >Though that might be because you're holding her upside down by her tail
  122. >Alter your grip so that you're holding her up with two hands
  123. >She trembles
  124. >"I don't like talking to stallions..."
  125. Yet you feel fine talking to me
  126. >"Because I lo-"
  127. No you don't.
  128.  
  129. 3/?
  130.  
  131. >Fluttershy's ears go back
  132. Come on. Let's go find you a man.
  133. >"You're a man"
  134. Stallion. I meant stallion. Shut up.
  135. >As you stroll into town with Fluttershy under your arm, your mind is working overtime to try and pluck as many Strong-Independent-Female TV shows from your memory
  136. >Surely one of them holds the answer to "grabbing a man and holding on for dear life"
  137. >Your brain plays a sound bite of a black woman wagging her finger and saying "MMM HMMM" to a laugh track
  138. >Fluttershy doesn't stop trembling the entire time
  139. >Look down at her as you walk
  140. >Her eyes are fixed on the floor
  141. You really hate talking to ponies, don't you?
  142. >"N-no... I like my friends though..."
  143. >Pat her on the head with your free hand
  144. There there, Shy, there there. I was like you once.
  145. >"You were a Pegasus in love with a human?"
  146. ...No. I meant I was socially retarded.
  147. >"How did you fix it?"
  148. By not being socially retarded.
  149. >Smooth as fuck, Anon
  150. >Thanks, brain.
  151. >You walk straight into Sugarcube Corner and up to the counter, a confident grin on your face and a terrified horse under your arm
  152. >On Earth, people might question your motives
  153. >But here, all that people ask is-
  154. >"Hiya, Anon! What can I getcha?"
  155. Heya, Pinks. Could I have an apple strudel, and one for my horse as well.
  156. >"Don't be silly, Anon. Fluttershy isn't a horse! She's a pony!"
  157. Eh, same difference. I also need an outside table
  158. >"But you can just take one, silly! You don't need to ask me that!"
  159. I know. But I did it anyway because I love hearing you talk.
  160. >Pinkie Pie giggles
  161. >"Well then, I'll go get your strudel, mister."
  162. >She winks and trots into the kitchen
  163. >You hoist Fluttershy up a bit, causing her to squeak, and walk back outside, setting her down in a seat
  164. >Sit across from her
  165. >She look back indoors, then back at you
  166. You see what I did there?
  167. >"Y-you hit on Pinkie?"
  168. Aye. See how easy it was?
  169. >"I... Suppose."
  170. Think you could do that?
  171. >"Hit on Pinkie? I don't think my barn door swings that way, Anon..."
  172. No, you moron. I mean hit on a stallion as easily as I hit on Pinkie. It wasn't even a good line, but it made her smile, didn't it?
  173.  
  174. 4/?
  175.  
  176. >Fluttershy taps her chin thoughtfully
  177. >Pinkie Pie bounces up to you, tray in hand
  178. >You pluck your treat off it and hand the other one to Fluttershy
  179. Thanks, Pinkie
  180. >She grins at you
  181. >"No problem, Nonny."
  182. >She lightly nudges your arm with a hoof and turns to walk away, a small, cute smile on her lips
  183. >Fluttershy's eyes are wide
  184. >"B-but Pinkie doesn't even like you that way!"
  185. She does now, and also, how the hell would you even know that?
  186. >"I don't know"
  187. >Shake your head and eat your sugar covered pastry, savouring the apple within
  188. >Fluttershy nibbles on hers in silence
  189. >You start thinking of possible matches for Fluttershy, but first you need a second opinion on what you're working with here
  190. >A stallion strolls past your table
  191. Hey, buddy
  192. >He turns his head and is evidently shocked to have been approached by the local alien so casually
  193. >"Uhh, yes?"
  194. I have no idea how to gauge a pony's attractiveness, so spare me the trouble and tell me how hot she is
  195. >Point at Fluttershy
  196. >The stallion thinks about it
  197. >"Hmm... Nine out of ten"
  198. Shit, seriously?
  199. >"Yup. She was a model once, you know"
  200. Alright, thanks, man.
  201. >"I'm not a man-"
  202. Whatever.
  203. >He walks off and you look back at Fluttershy, who seems to be utterly livid
  204. >"A-ANON!"
  205. Yo.
  206. >"Y-y-you can't just ask ponies that! It was so... Embarrassing..."
  207. Why? You got complimented. Didn't it feel good? Haven't you ever been complimented by a guy?
  208. >"Well this one time, you said I suited the sexy clown costume!"
  209. That was a joke. It was also a horrible fetish guess. I'm actually scared shitless of clowns
  210. >"Oh... Sorry..."
  211. I might just make things more awkward now that you've reminded me of that. Consider it pay back
  212. >She 'eeps' and tries to hide her entire face behind her mane
  213.  
  214. 5/?
  215.  
  216. >Not that you care
  217. >Your mind is on other things
  218. >Namely, a match you think might work.
  219. >You lick your fingers and snap them
  220. Come on, I know where to start
  221. >"C-can't we go home? I don't want to do this..."
  222. I didn't want to live in a world of cartoon horses, but hey, I adapted, didn't I?
  223. >"Well I'm glad you're here..."
  224. I'm not. I had video games at home
  225. >"We have video games"
  226. 'Button Presser 5' isn't a game.
  227. >Ponies haven't got much room for creativity when they only have hooves to control their games with.
  228. >You stand up and head straight in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres
  229. >A smile grows on your face
  230. >This is gonna be fun
  231.  
  232. >"Are you sure, Anon?"
  233. I've never been more sure about anything in my life.
  234. >"You said that about your decision not to marry me."
  235. Second most sure thing in my life, then.
  236. >You are both sat in a bush, looking out at the tall, muscular farm pony.
  237. >Big Macintosh.
  238. >He's absolutely perfect for Fluttershy
  239. >Quiet, hardworking, gentle, and probably good looking
  240. >Though you can't tell with ponies
  241. So, you remember what to do?
  242. >"No..."
  243. Ugh. Walk up to him, and ask for his name.
  244. >"But I already know Mac."
  245. Then ask him how he's doing and if he can talk for a moment, then let the conversation flow from there.
  246. >"O...kay?"
  247. Good. NOW GO.
  248. >Shove her out the bush and watch her roll down the hill towards Mac like a sexually deprived bowling ball
  249. >She slams into his legs
  250. >That gets his attention
  251. >Pick up the bush and shuffle towards the pair so that you can listen in
  252. >You're not even aware of how you managed to lift up a bush, or why it wasn't attached to the floor
  253. >But whatever.
  254. >Anon the match-maker cares not for conventional physics.
  255.  
  256. 6/?
  257.  
  258. >"Ya okay there, Miss Fluttershy?"
  259. >"O-oh, y-yes... Umm... I'm F-Fluttershy..."
  260. >Mac's apathetic look changes to apathetic with a tiny hint of confusion
  261. >"Ah know that, Fluttershy."
  262. >He chuckles
  263. >"What can ah do fer ya?"
  264. >Fluttershy picks herself up and looks at the floor
  265. >"Umm... C-can I talk to you for a second?"
  266. >"Eeyup"
  267. >...
  268. ...
  269. >"..."
  270. >"..."
  271. >"Well don'cha want to say somethin'?"
  272. >"Oh! Yes! Umm... H-hello..."
  273. >"Uhh, Hi."
  274. >...
  275. >...
  276. >Jesus fucking Christ this mare has the social capabilities of a walnut
  277. >Mutter under your breath
  278. Say something, you god damn horse
  279. >...
  280. >Big Mac clears his throat
  281. >Fluttershy scuffs the ground with a hoof
  282. >Mac looks back at the tree he was about to kick, then back at Fluttershy
  283. >"Ya know, It was real nice talkin' to ya, Fluttershy. But ah gotta go now."
  284. >"O-okay..."
  285. >Mac shrugs and switches over the stalk in his mouth to the other side
  286. >Walks back to his tree
  287. >And continues working
  288. >Fluttershy is stood completely rigid and staring at the ground
  289. >Sigh and step out the bush
  290. >Pick up Fluttershy and shove her under your arm
  291. >Mac sees you
  292. >He waves
  293. >Wave back and point to Fluttershy
  294. >He nods
  295. >You nod back. completely understanding him.
  296. >GUY TALK.
  297.  
  298. 7/?
  299.  
  300. Never in all my life have I seen a being so awkward. And my cousin used to eat paste.
  301. >"L-lots of foals eat paste..."
  302. He was 32.
  303. >"Oh..."
  304. >You're sat inside Fluttershy's cottage
  305. >You glance left and see a framed picture of you under the shower on a small table
  306. >Place it face down so you don't have to look at it.
  307. You alright?
  308. >Fluttershy apparently went into shock shortly after Mac left
  309. >She's currently wrapped up in a blanket with a hot water bottle on her head
  310. >You had no idea how to treat shock, so you just decided that it must be the same as Flu, since everyone is so shocked when they get it.
  311. >Fluttershy shudders
  312. >"Oh Anon! It was just awful! He was staring me down with his oppressive eyes and undressing me with them as well! If you weren't there, he might have r-raped me!"
  313. >Blink
  314. >Stare at her
  315. >She looks back
  316. >Continue to stare
  317. >You heard her, but your brain has the information in it's hands and is re-reading it over and over again whilst saying "What the fuck"
  318. Did you actually just say that?
  319. >"Umm, yes?"
  320. Did you actually just... Say. That.
  321. >"Y-yes?"
  322. >Your mind shuts off
  323. >Fluttershy
  324. >Rape
  325. >Oppressive
  326. >Mac
  327. >Undress
  328. >Rape
  329. >Fluttershy
  330. >Undress
  331. >Macinshy
  332. >Rapeintosh
  333. >Start drooling
  334. >Black out.
  335.  
  336. 8/?
  337.  
  338. >Wake up in Fluttershy's bed
  339. >Luckily, you're still clothed
  340. >Flutters is stood next to it
  341. >"Are you okay?"
  342. >Throw off the covers
  343. >"W-want me to-"
  344. DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU LAID AND THAT'S FINAL
  345. >Grab the small horse and jump out her bedroom window, hitting the floor and rolling
  346. >Fluttershy is squealing the entire time
  347. >"T-THAT WAS DANGEROUS!"
  348. Shut up shut up shut up don't talk just DON'T. TALK.
  349. >She goes silent
  350. >Briskly walk to the park, the pony under your arm dangling there feeling sorry for herself
  351. >Reach your destination and sit down on a bench
  352. >Take a deep breath
  353. >Don't think about before, Anon. Just don't.
  354. >Alright. We're clear, go.
  355. >Turn to Fluttershy, who is sat next to you
  356. Okay, disregarding that little hiccup, what do you look for in a stallion?
  357. >"Oh! That's easy!"
  358. >Progress! At last!
  359. >"I like them to be kind... Generous... Good with animals... Strong, Handsome and Bipedal
  360. Uh huh, uh huh, uh- wait.
  361. >Give her a flat look
  362. >She beams back
  363. >"Will you be my special somep-"
  364. No. Listen, you might need to lower your standards a bit. Having them that high will bite you in the ass later.
  365. >She looks down
  366. >"Sorry..."
  367. Stop apologising.
  368. >"Sorry..."
  369. Fuckin-
  370. >Groan again
  371. >This is harder than you thought
  372. >Look around the park for any stallions that are alone
  373. >See one on a bench reading a book
  374. Right. Him.
  375. >"What?"
  376. The time is now, small horse. Come on.
  377. >Grab her before she can scramble away and walk over to the stallion
  378.  
  379. 9/?
  380.  
  381. >He looks up from his book and sees an alien holding a pony looming over him
  382. Hi.
  383. >"Hello? Can I... Help you?"
  384. Yes.
  385. >Trust Fluttershy forwards similar to how a child thrusts a doll at her parent
  386. Pony. You like?
  387. >"Uh, n-no, thank you. Are you okay, miss?"
  388. >She doesn't answer, she just sqeaks
  389. Are you sure you don't want this? I can't seem to get rid of it.
  390. >"Now hold on, you could at least refer to her as a... Well, her!"
  391. So do you think she's attractive?
  392. >He blushes
  393. >"W-well, yes, but-"
  394. Would you stick it in her?
  395. >"I... I ca-"
  396. Yes or no, man, I don't have all day.
  397. >"Y- NO! No, I wouldn't."
  398. Why not. You gay or something?
  399. >He blushes even harder
  400. >"Actually... Uhh..."
  401. >Pull Fluttershy back a bit
  402. ...Oh...
  403. >"Yeah..."
  404. Uhh, sorry.
  405. >"It's okay."
  406. >He smiles shyly up at you
  407. >"B-but I think you look alright! Would you like to go for some coffee sometime?"
  408. >Ponder this
  409. >Wait, no you don't. Nigga you ain't gay
  410. No thanks, uhh..?
  411. >"Caramel"
  412. Caramel. Sorry for wasting your time
  413. >"It wasn't wasted, stud."
  414. >He gets up and winks before walking off with his book
  415. >Why does it always have to be you.
  416.  
  417. 10/?
  418.  
  419. >Fluttershy is oddly quiet
  420. >Like a corpse
  421. >Dark simile there, brain.
  422. >Sorry
  423. >You walk around town with Fluttershy under your arm looking for ponies to annoy
  424. >Talk to her while you walk
  425. You're really hard work, you know that?
  426. >"Sorry..."
  427. Ugh.
  428. >You see a group of stallions up ahead
  429. Alright, Fluttershy, I didn't want to have to do this, but you've forced my hand.
  430. >Run up to them
  431. >Point at the nearest
  432. YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM.
  433. >"S-seabreeze! I'm from Canterlot!"
  434. DO YOU LIKE FLUTTERSHY?
  435. >"NO!"
  436. FINE.
  437. >Point to his friend.
  438. NAME. OCCUPATION. FAVOURITE MOVIE.
  439. >"Pearjohn, gardener, Stable Whorses 7!"
  440. SHIT NAME. SHIT JOB. PLEB TASTES.
  441. >Point to the last one, who looks stricken with fear
  442. NA-
  443. >"THUNDERLANE WEATHER PONY SPIDERMARE 3 AND PONYVILLE"
  444. DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!
  445. >"W-WHAT?!"
  446. DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!
  447. >Rub Fluttershy's body against his face
  448. >She trembles and goes redder than a tomato
  449. >"Y-YES! I DO!"
  450. >Pull Fluttershy back and smile at him
  451. >Pat him on the back
  452. >Place Fluttershy on the floor
  453. Well alright then! Fluttershy, meet Thunderlane. Go do pony things now.
  454. >Shoo them away with your hands
  455. >Thunderlane's mouth is agape, like he just won the lottery
  456. >"N-no way! I get to date Fluttershy?! She's crazy hot!"
  457. Less beta, more alpha
  458. >He clears his throat and puffs out his chest
  459. >"R-right. Yeah. Okay."
  460.  
  461. 11/?
  462.  
  463. >You watch him lead Fluttershy away
  464. >She looks over your shoulder at you, looking similar to a fat kid on the first day of high school
  465. >Smile and wave at her
  466. Have fun!
  467. >"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
  468. >Sigh happily
  469. Damn, I'm good.
  470.  
  471. >Walk home, exhausted after a day of setting horses up on dates
  472. I should be a relationship counsellor.
  473. >Unlock your front door and step through
  474. >All your curtains are shut and it's dark as hell in your living room
  475. >Fumble around and switch on the lights
  476. >"Hey there, Anon."
  477. >Pinkie Pie is sprawled out on your sofa, giving you the bedroom eyes.
  478. >"Wanna feed me your frosting?"
  479. Hell yeah.
  480. >Fucking Pinkie Pie.
  481.  
  482. 12/12
  483. The End
/FLUTTERRAPE/

[MOONDAY] Infestation Investigation

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Friendly Competition

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Under The Bed

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Somehow More Thread Shorts

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Lovemare Fluttershy

by Nebulus