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[FLUTTERRAPE] The Curious Tale of the Ufflesnout

By Nebulus
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 21:37:16
Expiry: Never
anontwilight sparklefluttershypinkie piesafecomedy/flutterrape/

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: July 12th, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Equestria is a marvellous, miraculous place.
  5. >It is filled to the brim with wondrous monsters, fantastical beasts and enchanting creatures that will puzzle the uninitiated.
  6. >From Dragons, to Manticores, to Parasprites, to Hydras. Equestria will never fail to amaze and spark curiosity.
  7. >But out of all these strange yet alluring specimens, there is one that consistently succeeds in puzzling the scholars and conspiracy theorists.
  8. >An odd little being surrounded by folklore and veiled behind a wall of scorn in the eyes of the more educated ponies in the land.
  9. >It is this most peculiar of things that an ambitious pony might pursue in an attempt to become famous.
  10. >But alas, years of searching have yielded nothing. Leaving the modern generations to wonder where the tales even came from in the first place.
  11. >The creature's name:
  12. >Is the Ufflesnout.
  13. >Its name is enough to invoke laughter among the educated crowds of Equestria, and various forms of disgruntlement in the face of the more rural areas.
  14. >Its characteristics are more bizarre than its name, however. The Ufflesnout is said to be capable of remarkable feats of magic, along with seemingly random bursts of supernatural strength.
  15. >Its skin is impervious to any and all forms of unicorn magic or mortal weaponry, and its eyes are sharp enough to see darkness as though it was day.
  16. >Some even say it can fly.
  17. >But such legends are just that - Legends. They are mere tales invented by the bored to cope with a lack of activity.
  18. >The Ufflesnout is, much to the disdain of various monster hunters and bards, a myth.
  19.  
  20. >Nothing more.
  21.  
  22. >Day Exasperation in Equestria.
  23. "I swear to fucking god, I will actually kill you if you take one more step closer."
  24. >Fluttershy takes one step closer, determination in her eyes
  25. >You narrow your own
  26. "That's it! We're doing this."
  27. >Jab the umbrella at her
  28. >She squeals and jumps, the strap-on between her legs jiggling slightly
  29. >"Please? I-it'll be fun, I promise!"
  30. "There's nothing 'fun' about you having your way with me."
  31. >You hesitate
  32. "Infact it sounds like the exact opposite of fun. Anti-fun. You're Anti-fun, Fluttershy."
  33. >She growls
  34. >"I'm not anti-fun! Just let me show you, you... Damn dirty ape!"
  35. "Ouch. Really swinging it home with this seduction, Fluttershy. I feel like I'm falling for you already!"
  36. >"R-really?"
  37. "No. Now get the hell out of my kitchen!"
  38. >She growls, trying to be intimidating again
  39. >"Oh no you don't mister! You WILL do as I..."
  40. >She widens her eyes and glares at you
  41. >"SAY!"
  42. >You flinch
  43. >...
  44. >Then loosen up
  45. >Rap your finger on the umbrella in your hands, waiting for her to do something
  46. >Fluttershy is just glaring at you, her eyes wider than you've ever seen them
  47. >Look around at your kitchen, various jars of sauces smashed on the floor and a chair broken in the corner
  48. "So uhh, are you gonna do anything?"
  49. >"I... AM..."
  50. "Oh. Well then."
  51. >She maintains the pose for a long time before gasping for breath
  52. "Hah! Holy shit, were you holding your breath all that time?"
  53. >She wheezes in response
  54. "Well I counted like, 2 minutes. That's impressive, Fluttershy. REALLY impressive. In fact, that might have been the most amazing thing you've ever done."
  55. >She manages a smile
  56. >"Th-thank you, Anon..."
  57. >Jump off your kitchen table, that you have been crouched atop of for the last 10 minutes and grab the pony by her mane
  58. >"Ouch! D-did I win?"
  59. "Your optimism and almost child-like naivety is admirable. Unfortunately, no. You didn't."
  60. >Hurl her out your front door
  61. "AND DON'T COME BACK!"
  62. >Slam it.
  63. >Spend the rest of your morning wiping up sauce from the walls and floor, as well as fixing the chair
  64. >And by "fix" you mean hammer nails into it until you're bored
  65. >With your breakfast, chores and daily fetish guess out the way, you stand proudly at your front door
  66. >Another day awaits you in the peaceful town of Ponyville, and nothing is going to get you down!
  67.  
  68. >Fuck this town.
  69. >"But I wanted one apple! Not two!"
  70. >Rub your temples
  71. >You work at Applejack's farm. And today it was your job to sell apples.
  72. >Today, you were offering a 'buy-one-get-one-free' pitch
  73. >The pony in front of you just doesn't get it though
  74. "Ma'am. What does the sign to the left of me say"
  75. >She looks to her left
  76. "No, MY left, dipshit."
  77. >She looks to your left
  78. >"Buy one get one free?"
  79. "Yes! So what's the problem?"
  80. >"But... I don't get it!"
  81. >Slam your head on the stand
  82. >Reach over and grab the insufferable customer, who is only more confused at your outburst
  83. >"Wait! You can't buy me! I'm not for--"
  84. "SHUT UP."
  85. >Point at the two apple on your stand
  86. "YOU BUY ONE APPLE"
  87. >Pick one up with a free hand and rub it against the pony's face
  88. "AND YOU GET ANOTHER ONE"
  89. >Pick up another with the same hand and rub that on her face as well
  90. "FOR NO ADDITIONAL COST. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
  91. >She blinks and a has a vacant look on her face for a moment
  92. >"So... You're saying..."
  93. >"That if I buy an apple..."
  94. >Have you done it?
  95. >"I get two for free?"
  96. >Ponder the implications of what might happen if you commit a barbaric act of savagery in the middle of a marketplace
  97. "You know what? Yes. Here you go. Three apples for free. Now get the hell out of my sight and never return."
  98. >"B-but I only wanted one! I can't pa--"
  99. "AWAY WITH YOU, FOUL EQUINE!"
  100. >She squeals and gallops off
  101. >Glower at the apples in the basket off to the side
  102. >You hate the fruit
  103. >Though you'd never tell Applejack that
  104. >You once said you might be getting bored of them to her
  105. >She nearly kicked a tree in half then went into hysterics
  106. >It was downright horrifying
  107. >Watch the other ponies go about their daily lives and business with an air of boredom
  108. >Your stomach grumbles
  109. >Groan and reach over to grab an apple
  110. >As much as you hate them, they're all you have to eat while on the job
  111. >Pluck it off the pile
  112. >A bright blue eye peers out at you from beneath where the apple once was
  113. >Stare at it
  114. "What--"
  115. >"HIYA ANON!"
  116. >Pinkie Pie explodes out of the pile, sending your stock everywhere
  117. >She bounces around you, giggling the whole time before coming to a stop before your stand
  118. >"How are ya, Non-non?"
  119. "You just sent my..."
  120. >Look back at the bucket
  121. >All the apples are back where they were
  122. >What.
  123. >Pinkie Pie's hoof reaches forwards and turns your head back to her
  124. >"I saaaaaaid, how are you?"
  125. "I'm fine, I guess. I'm kinda--"
  126. >"Bored? Me too! Lets go!"
  127. >She attempts to drag you away from the stand
  128. "Woah! Wait! I need to sell apples!"
  129. >"NO TIME! I FOUND SOMEP0NY TO FILL IN!"
  130. >On cue, an inflatable version of you swells up behind the stand
  131. >This pony isn't good for your psyche
  132. "Where are we even going?!"
  133. >"FUN!"
  134. "What fun?"
  135. >"FUN!"
  136. "Pinkie! That isn't even an answer!"
  137. >"FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN--"
  138.  
  139. >"--FUNFUNFUNFUNFUN!"
  140. >She stops dragging you once you arrive at where she wanted you
  141. >That is, out of town on the side of a road
  142. >An old pony smiles warmly at you from a beaten up looking stand located next to an equally as dilapidated looking wagon.
  143. >Pinkie Pie trots over to him, a large smile on her face
  144. >You sigh and follow her
  145. >If she wants you to drink any yellow potions again, she can forget it.
  146. >The last one gave you wings
  147. >Twilight burst into tears upon seeing you
  148. >Though you're not sure why
  149. >You reach Panka, already browsing the old pony's meagre store selection
  150. >"WAZZAT?"
  151. >"That my dear, is an old zebra fetish used to ward off evil--"
  152. >"AND THAT?"
  153. >"I uhh, that is an enchanted horseshoe that will grant you five wish--"
  154. >"WHATS THAT?!"
  155. >"That is my lunch"
  156. >"OOooOOOooh! I'll take it!"
  157. >The pony sighs
  158. >Shake your head and nudge Pinkie out the way
  159. >Pull some apples out of your pocket that you managed to grab before you got dragged away
  160. >He looks up at you, a small thankful look causes you to smile back
  161. "She won't shut up until she gets what she wants, so you might as well take these."
  162. >He seems touched by your generosity
  163. >"Thank you, my friend. Might I ask what you are? In all my long years I have not seen a creature such as yourself..."
  164. >You and the old pony make conversation as Pinkie Pie pokes around his shop some more
  165. >"Yes, yes. I've been on the road for quite some time! Collecting old items of interest and rare baubles to sell."
  166. "It sounds like quite a remarkable life!"
  167. >He nods, a distant look on his face
  168. >"That it is... That it is..."
  169. >His eyes focus again and he looks to the side
  170. >Pinkie Pie is digging through a chest and throwing little trinkets over her shoulders in search of "FUN"
  171. >He beckons you to come closer
  172. >Lean forwards
  173. >"I don't just collect, though. I also protect things."
  174. >You raise an eyebrow
  175. "Such as--"
  176. >"OOOOOH! ANON! Look at this!"
  177. >You look towards the hyperactive bundle of joy and see her pressing her ear against an old, ornate looking chest. A look of intense concentration catches you off guard
  178. "You alright, Pinks?"
  179. >"Get away from there!"
  180. >The old pony hurries over to Pinkie and shoos her away from the chest
  181. >She bounces back, waving her rear in the air like a playful cat
  182. >He grumbles and pulls out a water sprayer
  183. >"Back! Go on!"
  184. >He squirts her in the eyes
  185. >She turns full drama-queen and flails around, cursing water and life before falling backwards and laughing how only she can laugh
  186. >Walk over and assist the pony in moving the chest back into his wagon
  187. >"I don't even know how she got it out..."
  188. "Don't question it. Might I ask what's in it?"
  189. >He fixes you with a scutinous gaze for a moment, as if judging you
  190. >Finally he regains his familiar lopsided smile
  191. >"Yes... I think I can trust you"
  192. >He gives the chest one final shove further into his wagon
  193. >To your surprise, the chest rattles
  194. >"Heh heh heh..."
  195. "Woah, you're not keeping animals in there, are you? That's not funny."
  196. >"Oh no, the thing inside there is no animal. No dog or cat or anything like that."
  197. >He looks over his shoulder
  198. >As do you
  199. >Pinkie is too busy playing around with the Zebra fetish
  200. >He nudges you
  201. >"Watch this"
  202. >He scoops up some dirt from the floor with a hoof and takes a deep breath
  203. >Faster than you thought possible, his unlocks the catch at the front
  204. >The lid cracks open just wide enough for the pony to hurl the dirt in then slam it shut again before locking it
  205. >You take a step back as the chest shudders violently, then settles
  206. >The pony licks his lips
  207. >"Alright, now watch this. You'll love it!"
  208. >He undoes the catch again
  209. >Reaches inside
  210. >And pulls out...
  211. "Oh my god."
  212. >A solid block of gold rests in the pony's hoof
  213. "How is that even... You tricked me, didn't you? This is where you keep your money."
  214. >He smiles and gives it to you
  215. >You feel the weight of the gold in your hand
  216. >Rotate it, probing it with your fingers
  217. >"You can keep it, you know."
  218. >Glance back up
  219. >"Consider it payment for the apples."
  220. >The pony pops open a small watch that he had dangling from his neck by a thin chain
  221. >"It is time I was going. I'm rather unnerved by your pink friend..."
  222. >You both look over and watch Pinkie juggle a few rare and priceless artifacts
  223. "You and me both. Where will you go next?"
  224. >"Ohh, I don't know... Maybe south. I feel like getting some sun"
  225. >He gives you a tired smile, the bags under his eyes now apparent
  226. >Chuckle
  227. "You sure could use some. You look tired, man."
  228. >"Yes... I feel tired. Looking after this thing really takes it out of me sometimes."
  229. >He pats the chest. That shakes in response
  230. "You never said, what's in it, anyway? Wild magic that can transmute stuff?"
  231. >The pony laughs, followed by a rough sounding cough
  232. >"Oh no no no. It's a living creature."
  233. >Raise an eyebrow
  234. "I thought you said it wasn't an animal"
  235. >"Believe me... Anon, was it?"
  236. >Nod
  237. >"Believe me. If you saw what was in there. You would want it contained as well."
  238. >Shift uneasily
  239. "How long have you guarded it?"
  240. >"Ever since my father died, who upheld the burden after his father died, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his fa--"
  241. "I get it."
  242. >"Ahem, yes, quite. But it's the only one of its kind, you know. Most ponies doubt it even exists"
  243. >He coughs again
  244. >"Ahh, but I am rambling again. I must make haste. I should like to reach Hoofington before dusk."
  245. >He walks around to the front of the cart and pushes a button
  246. >The store packs itself up
  247. "How the..."
  248. >The old pony laughs heartily
  249. >"You'd be amazed by what a large amount of uhh, 'legitimate gold' will buy you."
  250. >He fastens himself up at the front of the wagon and begins to pull it
  251. >Call after him
  252. "Will you be alright?"
  253. >He shouts back over his shoulder as he pulls away
  254. >"Magic, dear Anon! It's light as a feather!"
  255. >Fucking magic.
  256. >It's so much bullshit.
  257. >Watch him go
  258. >...
  259. "HEY WAIT! IS THIS GOLD EVEN REAL?!"
  260. >You can just make out his voice
  261. >"Of course it is! The methods by which you obtained it are not!"
  262. >Well that's okay then.
  263. >You pocket the fist-sized hunk of gold and pat it through the fabric of your jacket
  264. >Turn to head back to town
  265. >Nearly trip over Pinkie Pie
  266. >"Hi!"
  267. "Where the hell did you even get to?"
  268. >"I was hiding that old pony's stuff all over town in case of emergencies!"
  269. "God dammit."
  270. >You head back to your stall and decide to call it a day on the grounds that "holy shit look at all the gold you have"
  271. >This stuff could easily buy you a holiday
  272. >Gems around here are commonplace, and bits even more-so. But actual pure ore is incredibly rare. The stuff in your pocket is worth a fortune
  273. >You chuckle as you head towards Rarity's shop
  274. >Something tells you she might want it.
  275.  
  276. >"B-b-but HOW?! WHERE! HOW DID YOU FIND THIS?!"
  277. "Oh, you know. Just lying around."
  278. >"Whaaaaa..."
  279. >Rarity is at a loss for words
  280. >You were right. She DID want it.
  281. >Turns out the gold is the purest she's ever seen.
  282. >She gulps, her eyes glued to the huge chunk of gold in your outstretched palm
  283. >"I... How much do you want, Anon?"
  284. "How much are you willing to pay?"
  285. >"Five hundred bits."
  286. >HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
  287. >OKAY, ANON. PLAY IT COOL.
  288. "Hmm... A f-fairly good offer... But how much are you willing to go up to?"
  289. >Rarity tears her gaze from the gold and looks right into your eyes
  290. >"Anon. I will perform acts of unimaginable sexual depravity on you and give you half of my life savings if you give me that gold."
  291. >...
  292. "C-can't I just have one thousand bits?"
  293. >"Done."
  294. >ANON YOU'RE A FUCKING MASTERMIND
  295. >You stand in stunned silence as Rarity takes the gold from you and squeals like a school girl before half-running towards her bedroom
  296. >Rarity was prepared to screw you for the gold
  297. >You take note of 'tha ass on dat ho' as she runs away from you
  298. >Damn, you're smooth
  299. >She returns shortly with a huge sack of coins
  300. >"There you go, Anonymous. A pleasure doing business with you!"
  301. "I'm surprised you even had that much money."
  302. >"Anonymous, I'm the biggest fashion designer in Equestria right now, and I make dresses for ponies like Sapphire Shores."
  303. >She winks at you
  304. >"Money isn't much of an issue for me anymore."
  305. >You turn to leave
  306. >Before you reach the door you hear her again
  307. >"Oh, and Anonymous?"
  308. >Pause to let her finish
  309. >"I would have paid five thousand."
  310. >YOU GOT OUT-JEW'D BY A HORSE
  311. >ANON YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON
  312.  
  313. >Feel the weight of the coinage on your way home
  314. >This will easily pay for a few months off work
  315. >'It could have been a few years'
  316. >Shut up, brain.
  317. >Reach your home and unlock the front door, taking no mind of the small mole-hill next to your feet
  318. >Toss the bag of coins on the table
  319. >Take off your jacket and stretch, loosening your tie while you do so
  320. >Who wears a suit to sell apples, anyway?
  321. >Walk toward your lounge and settle down on the sofa with a pony magazine
  322. >"How to train your stallion - Bondage technique and domination strategies"
  323. >It's Fluttershy's, you swear
  324. >Flip over a page and scan the 'milking' section absent-mindedly
  325. >The silence of the house is the perfect reading atmosphere, and you sigh in content
  326. >Turn to page 7 to see how the tie up even the most burly of males
  327. >Why you're still even reading is troubling to say the least
  328. >You blame boredo--
  329. >...
  330. >Sit up, ears strained
  331. >Was that...?
  332. >Listening intently, you make out the sounds of shuffling
  333. >Groan
  334. >Fluttershy got in again
  335. >You get up off the sofa, casting aside your magazine and heading towards your bedroom
  336. >Nudge open the door, ready to open a can of whoop ass
  337. >To your surprise, there's nothing there.
  338. >Your bedroom is empty
  339. >Scratch your head, confused
  340. >You hear the sound of boxes falling over
  341. >Roll your eyes
  342. >The basement, of course
  343. >Trudge over to the the door leading down into your rarely used basement and grab a torch on the way there
  344. >Push open the door and plod down the wooden steps
  345. >You could be reading about bondage right now
  346. "Alright, you insufferable pegasus. I know you're down here. Where are you?"
  347. >Survey the room with your torch, the beam of light illuminating the various boxes and objects you had haphazardly thrown down here during your life in Equestria
  348. >Hear more shuffling
  349. >Turn your light on the top-most box above a pile
  350. "Why are you hiding in a box?"
  351. >The box stops moving
  352. >And instead topples forwards
  353. >Polystyrene stuffing goes everywhere
  354. >Keep your light trained on the white mound
  355. "...Fluttershy? Did you drink a shrinking potion? I told you to stay away from that shit after you got stuck in my drainpipe."
  356. >'Fluttershy' shakes herself and scatters her cover
  357. >You make a concious effort not to drop the torch
  358. >What sits among a pile of packaging sits a very unhappy looking creature
  359. >You mouth the words "what the hell" and crouch down
  360. >The creature looks at you, its head lopsided and large black eyes curiously studying you
  361. >If you had to describe it, you'd say that it looks like a very small wooly mammoth.
  362. >Curly brown fur clings to every part of its body, as well as the little trunk protruding off its face
  363. >Said trunk is poking around and picking up polystyrene
  364. >The creature carefully places a piece of the white foam in it's mouth, chews for a second, then spits it out and blares a trumpet-like sound from its trunk in frustration
  365. >Little ivory horns poke out from its skull, and its hooves are tipped with small rounded claws
  366. >That appear to be covered in... Mud.
  367. >You raise your torch above the creature and look at the area behind the box it fell out of
  368. >A large hole seems to be been tunnelled into the side of your wall
  369. >You let out a short quiet laugh then turn your torch back on the creature
  370. >It's stood up now, and is trying to be sneaky by hiding behind a small pile of foam
  371. >You offer a hand towards it
  372. >The creature tentatively reaches towards you with its trunk
  373. >Your index finger brushes the tip of it, causing the fluffball to recoil
  374. >It takes a deep breath
  375. >Sneezes
  376. >And turns a nearby piece of polystyrene into diamonds
  377. >Your jaw drops
  378. >Slowly, you alternate between gaping at the creature, now looking much happier with itself, and the small pile of perfectly cut diamonds on your basement floor
  379. "Hoe-lee shit."
  380. >"BRRRRRRRRPP!"
  381. >The creature starts running around you, tooting its own horn merrily
  382. >It trips up, tumbles to the floor, and smacks its face against the stone
  383. >You wince as you hear a crack
  384. "Woah! Are you okay?"
  385. >Pick it up, hoping that the little mammoth is unharmed
  386. >It looks back at you, a huge dopey grin on its face
  387. >Glance at the area where it tripped
  388. >The point where its face hit the floor is now cracked and broken
  389. "Tough little bastard, aren't you?"
  390. >"BRRP!"
  391. >Its trumpet noises make you giggle
  392. "Did you come from the old pony's chest? How did you get out?"
  393. >The thing shrugs
  394. >It literally shrugs, complete with little head shake as if to say 'hell if I know'
  395. >Stand up, shining your torch down on your new discovery
  396. "Well, guess I'd better take you to Flu-"
  397. >...
  398. "Acutally, no. Let's -not- take you to Fluttershy. She'll pussify you and make you all gooey"
  399. >The creature 'BRRRPS' in response
  400. "Stick with me, little buddy. I'll keep you safe. But first we need to name you..."
  401.  
  402. >You sit at your kitchen table, staring at the the little bundle of fluff perched on it
  403. >It's cleaning itself with its trunk
  404. "How about Rudolph?"
  405. >"Brrp."
  406. >It shakes its head
  407. "Uhh, Sandy?"
  408. >"BRRRRP"
  409. "Okay! Okay!... What gender are you anyway?"
  410. >You reach over and pull up its leg, looking at where its dong should be
  411. >Nothing there
  412. "Alright then, so you're a girl. Fair enough. Are you sure you don't like Sandy?"
  413. >"BRP."
  414. >She turns your salt and pepper shakers into rare geodes
  415. >So now you have a pile of diamonds in your basement, and some unidentifiable rocks on your table. Wonderful.
  416. "I'd appreciate it if you stopped trying to make me rich."
  417. >She starts panting like a dog
  418. >Dog...
  419. "Wait, what do you eat? I don't recall the old guy telling me what you eat. Or even how old you are."
  420. >She shrugs again
  421. >A knock on your door interrupts you
  422. >"A-anon? Are you in there? I have s-something for you"
  423. >Shit. Of all the times she could have picked
  424. "We can't let her see you little buddy, hide under the sink!"
  425. >The mammoth shakes her head
  426. >And instead atomises herself
  427. >Blink a few times
  428. "Wow. It's a miracle you didn't break out sooner."
  429. >More knocks
  430. "Alright, alright! I'm coming. Fuck."
  431. >March towards your door and throw it open
  432. >A large black hairy fist sends you hurtling back into your kitchen
  433. >Slam into your kitchen table, shattering it
  434. >You carry on skidding along your floor until you come to a stop at a wall
  435. "Uuugh..."
  436. >"W-was that too hard? I just wanted to know if gorillas were you fetish!"
  437. >Groggily look up
  438. >An absolutely massive ape glares down at you
  439. >He's easily twice your size
  440. "Whu... Why don't you go for -his- hot m-monkey dick..."
  441. >Fluttershy shakes her head
  442. >"Oh no! I couldn't do that. Mister Bananas here is gay!"
  443. >A gay gorilla.
  444. >Oh fuck.
  445. "Well... So am I then."
  446. >"Don't be silly, Anon. Humans can't be gay!"
  447. >Dis mare.
  448. >Your dazed state did make you say something dumb though, because now the gorilla is getting excited
  449. >"What's that, Mister Bananas?"
  450. >"OO OO OOOOO"
  451. >"W-well okay... But leave some for me, silly!"
  452. "No no NO!"
  453. >"Don't be mean, Anon. Just let him have his fun."
  454. "FUCK NO!"
  455. >The gorilla's dick starts poking out at you
  456. >It will easily tear you in two
  457. >He hungrily licks his lips and "ooos" a few more times before stomping towards you
  458. >A huge meaty hand reaches towards you
  459. >This is gonna get messy
  460. >You shake your head and get ready to fight this oversized American tooth and nail
  461. >Just then, though, you notice the gorilla's hand
  462. >And so does he
  463. >You both watch in horror as the end of the gorillas hand just starts to... Dissipate
  464. >Like sand in the wind, the ape's hand, then arm, then entire body just blows away on some unforeseen cosmic wind, leaving absolutely nothing behind
  465. >"M-Mister Bananas?! What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
  466. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
  467. >"W-where... B-but..."
  468. >Fluttershy starts hyperventilating
  469. >You notice the cupboard door under the sink open a crack
  470. >A small furry face stares out at you, illuminated by its trunk, which is glowing a rich golden colour
  471. >Shake your head frantically
  472. >Fluttershy breaks down and starts sobbing
  473. >She hurls herself into your arms and begins covering your shirt and tie in drool, tears and mucus
  474. >"H-HE WAS ONLY SIX DAYS FROM APE RETIREMENT!"
  475. "There there, Fluttershy... There there... There's no such thing as ape retirement..."
  476. >This only makes her cry harder
  477. >"I-I-I just don't understand!"
  478. "Maybe he just went back to his home planet."
  479. >"Y-you think so?"
  480. "Uhh. Yeah, sure."
  481. >She sniffs
  482. >"Th-thanks, Anon... You always know how to make me feel better.
  483. >...
  484. "..."
  485. >"S-so can we have sex now?"
  486.  
  487. >"EEK!"
  488. "AND DON'T COME BACK! AGAIN!"
  489. >Slam the door
  490. >Run back into your kitchen, disregarding the now completely fixed table
  491. >Tear open the cupboard doors and flinch as the creature jumps out and starts blaring its trunk again
  492. >"BRRP! BRRRRP! BRRRRRRRRP!"
  493. "I get it, I get it. Listen, that was you, just then?"
  494. >She nods happily
  495. >You take a deep breath
  496. "Hoooo shit..."
  497. >Wipe your forehead and kneel down in front of her
  498. "Listen, you can't go around doing that shit, alright? You can't just... Make things disintegrate."
  499. >She cocks her head and 'BRRP's
  500. "I know, it's the easier route to all of life's problems, hell, I wish I could do half the shit you can. But you can't do that to ponies, alright?"
  501. >The creature is silent
  502. "Am I understood?"
  503. >She huffs and looks away
  504. "Good girl."
  505. "Now, we're going to go and see my friend, Twilight Sparkle. She's smart and might know what you are. But the only reason I'm going to her is because Fluttershy is a faggot and I don't want you becoming another one of her animal slaves. But if you do so much as turn someone into solid gold, I'll drag you over to her and you can deal with whatever happens, okay?"
  506. >"Brrrp."
  507. "Good. Now uhh, get inside my jacket, I'll hide you from the public--"
  508. >She explodes into light and vanishes
  509. "...Eye. Ugh... What now?"
  510. >"BRP!"
  511. "Woah shit!... Invisibility. Okay. I can deal with that."
  512.  
  513. >Exit your house and begin walking towards Twilight's place
  514. >You pray that the little bugger stays close to you
  515. >Just to make sure, you call out in a small voice so as not to draw attention to yourself
  516. "Y-you still there?"
  517. >"BRRP!"
  518. >That was right next to your ear
  519. >Fffffuck it hurt.
  520. >A flash of light reveals the mammoth before your face
  521. >It's grown bat wings
  522. >What the fuck.
  523. >Though it looks quite funny. It's legs just sort of dangle there while the leathery wings flap as fast as they can to keep it afloat
  524. >Before you can ask her what she's doing, she disappears again in yet another burst of light
  525. >You feel her nudge the side of your face as she no doubt starts circling your head
  526. >Walking into town puts you on edge, even though you know that no one can see you
  527. >The creature occasionally bangs into your head to let you know that she's still there, but other than that the walk is uneventful
  528. >You reach the tree house and knock on the door, nervously looking around
  529. >Spike answers it
  530. >"Heya, Anon! How's it hanging?"
  531. "Not... Bad, did you just say 'how's it hanging'?"
  532. >"Yeah?"
  533. "Well don't say it again. It's so nineteen nineties"
  534. >"What?"
  535. "Nothing. Where's Twilight?
  536. >"She's just upstairs reading. As usual. Want me to go and get her?"
  537. "No no, it's fine. I'll just go on up myself."
  538. >"Okay, bro. See you around!"
  539. >He goes to waddle past you
  540. "Where are you off to?"
  541. >"I'm going to Rarity's! She says she has a special treat for me."
  542. >He scampers between your legs and off towards Rarity's shop.
  543. >You shake your head and walk through the door, shutting it behind you
  544. >"BRRP!"
  545. "Whoops"
  546. >You reopen and wait for a second, then close it again
  547. >"Brp."
  548. "Alright."
  549. >Head towards the stairs
  550. >Reach Twilight's bedroom door
  551. "Twilight? It's me, Anon!"
  552. >Push it open
  553. >Hear a mad scramble as Twilight gets out of bed and untangles herself from the covers. Her mane is a mess
  554. >"I uhh, I was reading!"
  555. "Okay then, listen. I need your help"
  556. >"Oooh! Is it with a book?"
  557. "No."
  558. >She trots over to you
  559. >"Did the princess write to you again?"
  560. "No, I blacklisted her after last time."
  561. >"Then what?"
  562. >You inhale then exhale deeply
  563. "Little buddy? You can come out now"
  564. >Your airborne friend materialises itself next to your head and hovers down to Twilight's level
  565. >Twilight is amazed
  566. >"Oh my goodness! Anon, what IS this thing?"
  567. "I have no idea. I was hoping you could help me."
  568. >"Wouldn't Fluttersh--"
  569. "No."
  570. >"O-oh, alright then."
  571. >She pokes it with a hoof
  572. >It "Brrps" in response
  573. >She pokes it again
  574. >Another, more annoyed "Brrp"
  575. "I really wouldn't do that if I was you, Twilight"
  576. >"Nonsense, Anon! This is the scientific method!"
  577. "What, poking?"
  578. >"Of course!"
  579. >She pokes it one more time
  580. >The creature lets out an aggravated "BRRRRP" and turns a nearby pile of books into rubies
  581. >"GAAAAH!"
  582. >You just smack your lips
  583. >Hyper-advanced transmutation of any substance into gems is old news to you
  584. >Twilight stammers
  585. >"A-are those real?"
  586. "Rarity sure thought so."
  587. >"You've showed it to Rarity?"
  588. "No. I sold a piece of dirt-turned-gold to her for like, a thousand bits."
  589. >Twilight cautiously approaches the bat/mammoth again
  590. >It menacingly floats there looking dopey
  591. >Terrifying
  592. >"Where did you find it?"
  593. "I didn't. It found me. Also there was an old pony keeping it captive in a chest, I think it broke free."
  594. >"I can see why he had it locked up! This creature could break the economy!"
  595. "It can do more than that, Twilight. It evaporated an entire gorilla an while ago."
  596. >She blinks a few times
  597. >"O... Kay then. Uhh, I'll go and get some books on mystical creatures"
  598. >She runs out the room
  599. >Look over at the rubies
  600. "Those are some damn fine rubies, friendo."
  601. >"Brrp."
  602. "...So have you thought of a name for yourself yet?"
  603. >"Brrp."
  604. "That's a terrible name. And does it smell like something funny in here?"
  605. >"Brrp."
  606. "Yeah, thought so too."
  607. >Twilight comes cantering up the stairs books in tow
  608. >In fact, half the library, by the looks of it
  609. >"Found them! Lets get to work!"
  610. >When faced with all this reading, you kinda miss your questionable bondage magazine that is totally Fluttershy's.
  611. >"Found anything yet?"
  612. "Nnnnope. You?"
  613. >Twilight sighs
  614. >"No, nothing in -this- one either!"
  615. >She throws another book onto the pile that has nothing
  616. >"Oh! This one is sure to have something!"
  617. >You look over at her
  618. "'Hemet Neighsingway's big book of beasties'. Seriously?"
  619. >She nods excitedly
  620. >"He was a big time explorer! He must have come across our friend here at least once!"
  621. >You leave her to it and instead turn your attention to your own book
  622. >'Bedtime foal stories'
  623. >A simple little book adorned with a picture of a happy dragon on the front
  624. >You open it and start reading, skimming the pages for any references
  625. >"Huh, nothing there... But he DID find a race of giant spiders living in the Zebrican forests..."
  626. >Your own book shows nothing cool like that
  627. >Finish the poem about a foal that was convinced that his toys were out to get him and move onto the next story
  628. >'The Ufflesnout'
  629. >"Wow! Hey, Anon! Hemet once killed a dragon with his bare hooves!"
  630. "Uh huh..."
  631. >You aren't paying attention, you're staring at the picture next to the title of the story
  632. >"Oh, wait, that's a smudge. He actually killed a turtle."
  633. >You tune her out and proceed to read the story to yourself
  634. >'Once upon a time, there was a poor stallion named Raggy Sack'
  635. >'Raggy Sack was very poor. But he was also in love with the beautiful duke's daughter, Gentle Glass'
  636. >'Gentle Glass was a careful pony who loved emeralds and rubies and diamonds and more!'
  637. >'But Raggy Sack had none to present her with, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
  638. >'Until one day, the duke announced that whomsoever could find the largest gem could take his daughter's hoof in marriage!'
  639. >'Raggy Sack was hopeful, but remembered that he had none to present her with, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
  640. >'The weeks went by and many other stallions tried their hoof to claim the duke's daughter, but none brought gems large enough to please the duke.'
  641. >'Raggy Sack was hopeful, but remembered that he had none to present her with either, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
  642. >'One day, Raggy Sack was out searching for gems, when he came upon a curious creature covered in crystals'
  643. >'When he got a closer look, he saw that it was an Ufflesnout!'
  644. >'Raggy Sack told the Ufflesnout of his desire for Gentle Glass. And the Ufflesnout was kind.'
  645. >'With a bang and a flash and a great big splash, the Ufflesnout turned a nearby rock resting in water into a huge emerald!'
  646. >'Raggy Sack took the emerald and ran as fast as his hooves could take him to the duke's manor'
  647. >'And there, he presented him with the emerald, to which the duke happily gave Raggy Sack his daughter's hoof in marriage'
  648. >'When Raggy Sack returned from his wedding, he went to find the Ufflesnout to thank it, but it was not there, and had disappeared'
  649. >'Raggy Sack was sad. But he was also thankful'
  650. >'Because his heart was now full and wracked in love'
  651. >'The End'
  652. >You stare at the crude drawing at the bottom of the page
  653. >A small, brown, four-legged creature with a big trunk is shown snuggled up to a huge emerald
  654. >You slowly look up
  655. >Twilight is nose-deep in Hemet's adventures
  656. "Twilight?"
  657. >"Not now, Anon. Did you know that Hemet lived to be 289?"
  658. "Twi."
  659. >"Oh, sorry, that's another smudge. He died at 28 from a boating accident--"
  660. "TWILIGHT!"
  661. >"Gah! Sorry! Yes?"
  662. "I've uhh, found it."
  663. >Twilight gasps and tears the book from your grasp with magic
  664. >She skim reads the story
  665. >"Well... It certainly adds up. Even if the story is a bit... Foalish"
  666. >She puts the book down
  667. >"At least we have a reference now, though.
  668. >She glances at the Ufflesnout, now sniffing around the pile of books yet to be read
  669. >Twilight snorts
  670. >"Heh, 'Ufflesnout'. Isn't it a silly name?"
  671. >The Ufflesnout nearby huffs angrily and turns the book in Twilight's magical aura into a piece of quartz
  672. >"BRRP!"
  673. >"Hehe, uhh, sorry..."
  674. >Twilight stands up and walks over to the pile
  675. >"Gotta be around here somewhere... Ah!"
  676. >She picks out a large tome and starts flicking through it
  677. >"I was skeptical it would be in here, but I'm beginning to piece everything together now..."
  678. >You join her and read over her shoulder
  679. "Folklore, Twilight?"
  680. >"Yes, I was sure that I've heard the name Ufflesnout before, and now I'm certain!"
  681. >She points at the top of a page
  682. >"There we are. The mystery of the Ufflesnout"
  683. >Clearing her throat, the unicorn begins to read
  684.  
  685. >"Though almost woefully deprived of evidence of its existence, many rural towns in Equestria cling to the belief of a creature that can turn stone into gold and outmatch a unicorn in magical talent. The Ufflesnout is a creature who is said to owe its existence to Discord."
  686. >She raises an eyebrow
  687. >"That'll explain a lot"
  688. "Go on?"
  689. >"During the age of Discord, many animals and plants were warped by the chaotic magics that plagued the land, and though the royal sisters made sure to destroy any remnants of that dark age, the Ufflesnout is believed to have survived purely by hiding under rocks and in caves, rather than creating traceable magic fields that the sisters could track down."
  690. >Twilight chuckles
  691. >"That's kinda cute when you think about it"
  692. "I watched this thing obliterate something twice the size of me, Twilight."
  693. >"Aheh, uhh... Yeah... Despite tales of the creature fading over time, there are still some that are adamant to admit that the creature is gone. Such stories of the creature range from hilarious to sinister."
  694. >The Ufflesnout sneezes and transforms Hemet's book into mercury
  695. >"Said to never age, never eat, never sleep and never tire, the Ufflesnout is easily the most blatantly overexaggerated character in all of pony mythology. Though the royal sisters have said again and again that no such creature ever existed, tales about the creature still manage to survive purely through rumour."
  696. >"Historians and Arcane Scholars all agree that the Ufflesnout is a lie invented to challenge the power of the royals, almost as a parody of any sort of threat by taking the most ridiculous aspects of any creature in Equestria and merging them into one fantastical monster."
  697. >Twilight puts the book down
  698. >You both stare at the most powerful form of wildlife in Equestria as it tries to eat "A guide to supernatural spirits"
  699. >It doesn't like it. So instead the book becomes a large chunk of opal, and the Ufflesnout moves on
  700. >"Well... Uhh. I suppose we should probably call Celestia"
  701. "Woah woah woah!"
  702. >Move in front of Twilight
  703. "Is that... Really necessary? I mean, it's harmless! Look at it!"
  704. >Glancing around, you watch as the Ufflesnout phase shifts from the floor to the top of a pile of books before jumping off, cracking the floorboards on impact, and phasing to the top of the pile again.
  705. >She blares her trunk happily
  706. >"Anon, you read what the book said--"
  707. "The book was going off rumours. All this thing can do is turn stuff into gems. Big deal"
  708. >"Didn't you say it killed a full grown gorilla?"
  709. "Well to be fair, the gorilla was trying to rape me, and the little thing was protecting me"
  710. >"It's clearly dangerous, Anon! Can you imagine what would happen if it was allowed to keep living?!"
  711. "And what are you going to do, Twilight. Just call in Celestia and watch her destroy the poor thing? That's horrible! I thought you would help me hide it, not call in the princess to blow it up!"
  712. >"Anon, you're being unreasonable! How can you even say you can hide it?"
  713. "It can turn invisible! And also, it's a she."
  714. >Twilight huffs and pushes the Ufflesnout onto its back
  715. >She flails her legs around in the air and squeals
  716. >Twilight lets her back up
  717. >"Genderless."
  718. "What?"
  719. >"The Ufflesnout is genderless. Kinda expected really. It was created by Discord"
  720. "...She didn't ask to be created..."
  721. >"Anon, look. The creature in this room was willed into existence by a god. And it lived in a time when chaos was all around it. Do you really think it belongs here?"
  722. "Maybe I -should- have taken it to Fluttershy. At least she looks after animals and doesn't condemn them"
  723. >"Ugh. When did you get so attached to animals?!"
  724. "I'm not. Just this one. I like it, Twilight. It's... Different."
  725. >"It's capable of destroying this entire town, Anon."
  726. "So? I am as well."
  727. >Twilight snickers
  728. >"Okay, Anon. Whatever you say."
  729. >Fucking horses.
  730. "I'm not giving you my chaos beast"
  731. >"YOUR chaos beast? Anon, that Ufflesnout belongs to no one, and I will NOT let you leave with it in tow!"
  732. "It's survived all this time!"
  733. >"It was locked in a box! Most likely covered in magical enchantments!"
  734. "Why not imprison it again?"
  735. >"Now who's being unethical?!"
  736. >"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!"
  737. >You both flinch and look down at the Ufflesnout
  738. >It glares at the two of you and clears its throat
  739. >"BBrrp. Brrrp BRRRRp Brprbp brp. Brp? BRRRRP! BRRRP Brrp brrp brpbrpbrp Brp Brp. BRP. Brrrp brp brrRRPpp Brp BRrrPr Brp BRRP BRPBR brp... Brp."
  740. >...
  741. "Do you know what it said?"
  742. >"No idea"
  743. >The Ufflesnout lets out a long drawn out "brrrrrrrrrrrp"
  744. >Stands up straight
  745. >Nods at you
  746. >Then explodes
  747. "WOAH!"
  748. >"AAAH!"
  749. "I'VE GOT UFFLESNOUT IN MY MOUTH!"
  750. >"IT'S IN MY HAIR!"
  751. "OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"
  752. >"THIS IS HORRIBLE!"
  753.  
  754. >15 minutes and a big clean-up later, you and Twilight sit on her bed, looking at the black burn mark where the Ufflesnout once stood
  755. >"So... It blew itself up."
  756. "Yup."
  757. >"I for one wasn't expecting that."
  758. "Me neither"
  759. >"...I'm sorry for threatening to call the princess to incinerate your pet, Anonymous."
  760. "I'm sorry for harbouring a being forged in chaos capable of annihilating anything it chooses, Twilight."
  761. >She hugs your waist
  762. >"Friends?"
  763. "Friends."
  764.  
  765. "Man, what IS that smell?"
  766. >Twilight blushes heavily.
  767.  
  768. >
  769.  
  770. >
  771.  
  772. >
  773.  
  774. >Meanwhile, on a tropical island in the middle of the Herduda Triangle located at the centre of the Grand Ocean
  775. >The sand whips up as a small furry animal blasts into existence, creating a small crater on the beach
  776. >It coughs and looks around at the palm trees, then at the surrounding ocean
  777. >It sighs
  778. >Sneezes
  779. >Turns a nearby crab into a framed picture of one
  780. >And waddles into the jungle in search of something to chew on.
  781.  
  782. The End

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