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[FLUTTERRAPE] The Curious Tale of the Ufflesnout

By Nebulus
Created: 17th December 2020 07:02:46 PM

  1. Originally uploaded to Pastebin: July 12th, 2013
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Equestria is a marvellous, miraculous place.
  5. >It is filled to the brim with wondrous monsters, fantastical beasts and enchanting creatures that will puzzle the uninitiated.
  6. >From Dragons, to Manticores, to Parasprites, to Hydras. Equestria will never fail to amaze and spark curiosity.
  7. >But out of all these strange yet alluring specimens, there is one that consistently succeeds in puzzling the scholars and conspiracy theorists.
  8. >An odd little being surrounded by folklore and veiled behind a wall of scorn in the eyes of the more educated ponies in the land.
  9. >It is this most peculiar of things that an ambitious pony might pursue in an attempt to become famous.
  10. >But alas, years of searching have yielded nothing. Leaving the modern generations to wonder where the tales even came from in the first place.
  11. >The creature's name:
  12. >Is the Ufflesnout.
  13. >Its name is enough to invoke laughter among the educated crowds of Equestria, and various forms of disgruntlement in the face of the more rural areas.
  14. >Its characteristics are more bizarre than its name, however. The Ufflesnout is said to be capable of remarkable feats of magic, along with seemingly random bursts of supernatural strength.
  15. >Its skin is impervious to any and all forms of unicorn magic or mortal weaponry, and its eyes are sharp enough to see darkness as though it was day.
  16. >Some even say it can fly.
  17. >But such legends are just that - Legends. They are mere tales invented by the bored to cope with a lack of activity.
  18. >The Ufflesnout is, much to the disdain of various monster hunters and bards, a myth.
  19.  
  20. >Nothing more.
  21.  
  22. 1/?
  23.  
  24. >Day Exasperation in Equestria.
  25. "I swear to fucking god, I will actually kill you if you take one more step closer."
  26. >Fluttershy takes one step closer, determination in her eyes
  27. >You narrow your own
  28. "That's it! We're doing this."
  29. >Jab the umbrella at her
  30. >She squeals and jumps, the strap-on between her legs jiggling slightly
  31. >"Please? I-it'll be fun, I promise!"
  32. "There's nothing 'fun' about you having your way with me."
  33. >You hesitate
  34. "Infact it sounds like the exact opposite of fun. Anti-fun. You're Anti-fun, Fluttershy."
  35. >She growls
  36. >"I'm not anti-fun! Just let me show you, you... Damn dirty ape!"
  37. "Ouch. Really swinging it home with this seduction, Fluttershy. I feel like I'm falling for you already!"
  38. >"R-really?"
  39. "No. Now get the hell out of my kitchen!"
  40. >She growls, trying to be intimidating again
  41. >"Oh no you don't mister! You WILL do as I..."
  42. >She widens her eyes and glares at you
  43. >"SAY!"
  44. >You flinch
  45. >...
  46. >Then loosen up
  47. >Rap your finger on the umbrella in your hands, waiting for her to do something
  48. >Fluttershy is just glaring at you, her eyes wider than you've ever seen them
  49. >Look around at your kitchen, various jars of sauces smashed on the floor and a chair broken in the corner
  50. "So uhh, are you gonna do anything?"
  51. >"I... AM..."
  52. "Oh. Well then."
  53. >She maintains the pose for a long time before gasping for breath
  54. "Hah! Holy shit, were you holding your breath all that time?"
  55. >She wheezes in response
  56. "Well I counted like, 2 minutes. That's impressive, Fluttershy. REALLY impressive. In fact, that might have been the most amazing thing you've ever done."
  57. >She manages a smile
  58. >"Th-thank you, Anon..."
  59. >Jump off your kitchen table, that you have been crouched atop of for the last 10 minutes and grab the pony by her mane
  60. >"Ouch! D-did I win?"
  61. "Your optimism and almost child-like naivety is admirable. Unfortunately, no. You didn't."
  62. >Hurl her out your front door
  63. "AND DON'T COME BACK!"
  64. >Slam it.
  65.  
  66. 2/?
  67.  
  68. >Spend the rest of your morning wiping up sauce from the walls and floor, as well as fixing the chair
  69. >And by "fix" you mean hammer nails into it until you're bored
  70. >With your breakfast, chores and daily fetish guess out the way, you stand proudly at your front door
  71. >Another day awaits you in the peaceful town of Ponyville, and nothing is going to get you down!
  72.  
  73. >Fuck this town.
  74. >"But I wanted one apple! Not two!"
  75. >Rub your temples
  76. >You work at Applejack's farm. And today it was your job to sell apples.
  77. >Today, you were offering a 'buy-one-get-one-free' pitch
  78. >The pony in front of you just doesn't get it though
  79. "Ma'am. What does the sign to the left of me say"
  80. >She looks to her left
  81. "No, MY left, dipshit."
  82. >She looks to your left
  83. >"Buy one get one free?"
  84. "Yes! So what's the problem?"
  85. >"But... I don't get it!"
  86. >Slam your head on the stand
  87. >Reach over and grab the insufferable customer, who is only more confused at your outburst
  88. >"Wait! You can't buy me! I'm not for--"
  89. "SHUT UP."
  90. >Point at the two apple on your stand
  91. "YOU BUY ONE APPLE"
  92. >Pick one up with a free hand and rub it against the pony's face
  93. "AND YOU GET ANOTHER ONE"
  94. >Pick up another with the same hand and rub that on her face as well
  95. "FOR NO ADDITIONAL COST. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
  96. >She blinks and a has a vacant look on her face for a moment
  97. >"So... You're saying..."
  98. >"That if I buy an apple..."
  99. >Have you done it?
  100. >"I get two for free?"
  101. >Ponder the implications of what might happen if you commit a barbaric act of savagery in the middle of a marketplace
  102. "You know what? Yes. Here you go. Three apples for free. Now get the hell out of my sight and never return."
  103. >"B-but I only wanted one! I can't pa--"
  104. "AWAY WITH YOU, FOUL EQUINE!"
  105.  
  106. 3/?
  107.  
  108. >She squeals and gallops off
  109. >Glower at the apples in the basket off to the side
  110. >You hate the fruit
  111. >Though you'd never tell Applejack that
  112. >You once said you might be getting bored of them to her
  113. >She nearly kicked a tree in half then went into hysterics
  114. >It was downright horrifying
  115. >Watch the other ponies go about their daily lives and business with an air of boredom
  116. >Your stomach grumbles
  117. >Groan and reach over to grab an apple
  118. >As much as you hate them, they're all you have to eat while on the job
  119. >Pluck it off the pile
  120. >A bright blue eye peers out at you from beneath where the apple once was
  121. >Stare at it
  122. "What--"
  123. >"HIYA ANON!"
  124. >Pinkie Pie explodes out of the pile, sending your stock everywhere
  125. >She bounces around you, giggling the whole time before coming to a stop before your stand
  126. >"How are ya, Non-non?"
  127. "You just sent my..."
  128. >Look back at the bucket
  129. >All the apples are back where they were
  130. >What.
  131. >Pinkie Pie's hoof reaches forwards and turns your head back to her
  132. >"I saaaaaaid, how are you?"
  133. "I'm fine, I guess. I'm kinda--"
  134. >"Bored? Me too! Lets go!"
  135. >She attempts to drag you away from the stand
  136. "Woah! Wait! I need to sell apples!"
  137. >"NO TIME! I FOUND SOMEP0NY TO FILL IN!"
  138. >On cue, an inflatable version of you swells up behind the stand
  139. >This pony isn't good for your psyche
  140. "Where are we even going?!"
  141. >"FUN!"
  142. "What fun?"
  143. >"FUN!"
  144. "Pinkie! That isn't even an answer!"
  145. >"FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN--"
  146.  
  147. 4/?
  148.  
  149. >"--FUNFUNFUNFUNFUN!"
  150. >She stops dragging you once you arrive at where she wanted you
  151. >That is, out of town on the side of a road
  152. >An old pony smiles warmly at you from a beaten up looking stand located next to an equally as dilapidated looking wagon.
  153. >Pinkie Pie trots over to him, a large smile on her face
  154. >You sigh and follow her
  155. >If she wants you to drink any yellow potions again, she can forget it.
  156. >The last one gave you wings
  157. >Twilight burst into tears upon seeing you
  158. >Though you're not sure why
  159. >You reach Panka, already browsing the old pony's meagre store selection
  160. >"WAZZAT?"
  161. >"That my dear, is an old zebra fetish used to ward off evil--"
  162. >"AND THAT?"
  163. >"I uhh, that is an enchanted horseshoe that will grant you five wish--"
  164. >"WHATS THAT?!"
  165. >"That is my lunch"
  166. >"OOooOOOooh! I'll take it!"
  167. >The pony sighs
  168. >Shake your head and nudge Pinkie out the way
  169. >Pull some apples out of your pocket that you managed to grab before you got dragged away
  170. >He looks up at you, a small thankful look causes you to smile back
  171. "She won't shut up until she gets what she wants, so you might as well take these."
  172. >He seems touched by your generosity
  173. >"Thank you, my friend. Might I ask what you are? In all my long years I have not seen a creature such as yourself..."
  174. >You and the old pony make conversation as Pinkie Pie pokes around his shop some more
  175. >"Yes, yes. I've been on the road for quite some time! Collecting old items of interest and rare baubles to sell."
  176. "It sounds like quite a remarkable life!"
  177. >He nods, a distant look on his face
  178. >"That it is... That it is..."
  179. >His eyes focus again and he looks to the side
  180. >Pinkie Pie is digging through a chest and throwing little trinkets over her shoulders in search of "FUN"
  181. >He beckons you to come closer
  182. >Lean forwards
  183. >"I don't just collect, though. I also protect things."
  184. >You raise an eyebrow
  185. "Such as--"
  186. >"OOOOOH! ANON! Look at this!"
  187.  
  188. 5/?
  189.  
  190. >You look towards the hyperactive bundle of joy and see her pressing her ear against an old, ornate looking chest. A look of intense concentration catches you off guard
  191. "You alright, Pinks?"
  192. >"Get away from there!"
  193. >The old pony hurries over to Pinkie and shoos her away from the chest
  194. >She bounces back, waving her rear in the air like a playful cat
  195. >He grumbles and pulls out a water sprayer
  196. >"Back! Go on!"
  197. >He squirts her in the eyes
  198. >She turns full drama-queen and flails around, cursing water and life before falling backwards and laughing how only she can laugh
  199. >Walk over and assist the pony in moving the chest back into his wagon
  200. >"I don't even know how she got it out..."
  201. "Don't question it. Might I ask what's in it?"
  202. >He fixes you with a scutinous gaze for a moment, as if judging you
  203. >Finally he regains his familiar lopsided smile
  204. >"Yes... I think I can trust you"
  205. >He gives the chest one final shove further into his wagon
  206. >To your surprise, the chest rattles
  207. >"Heh heh heh..."
  208. "Woah, you're not keeping animals in there, are you? That's not funny."
  209. >"Oh no, the thing inside there is no animal. No dog or cat or anything like that."
  210. >He looks over his shoulder
  211. >As do you
  212. >Pinkie is too busy playing around with the Zebra fetish
  213. >He nudges you
  214. >"Watch this"
  215. >He scoops up some dirt from the floor with a hoof and takes a deep breath
  216. >Faster than you thought possible, his unlocks the catch at the front
  217. >The lid cracks open just wide enough for the pony to hurl the dirt in then slam it shut again before locking it
  218. >You take a step back as the chest shudders violently, then settles
  219. >The pony licks his lips
  220. >"Alright, now watch this. You'll love it!"
  221. >He undoes the catch again
  222. >Reaches inside
  223. >And pulls out...
  224. "Oh my god."
  225. >A solid block of gold rests in the pony's hoof
  226.  
  227. 6/?
  228.  
  229. "How is that even... You tricked me, didn't you? This is where you keep your money."
  230. >He smiles and gives it to you
  231. >You feel the weight of the gold in your hand
  232. >Rotate it, probing it with your fingers
  233. >"You can keep it, you know."
  234. >Glance back up
  235. >"Consider it payment for the apples."
  236. >The pony pops open a small watch that he had dangling from his neck by a thin chain
  237. >"It is time I was going. I'm rather unnerved by your pink friend..."
  238. >You both look over and watch Pinkie juggle a few rare and priceless artifacts
  239. "You and me both. Where will you go next?"
  240. >"Ohh, I don't know... Maybe south. I feel like getting some sun"
  241. >He gives you a tired smile, the bags under his eyes now apparent
  242. >Chuckle
  243. "You sure could use some. You look tired, man."
  244. >"Yes... I feel tired. Looking after this thing really takes it out of me sometimes."
  245. >He pats the chest. That shakes in response
  246. "You never said, what's in it, anyway? Wild magic that can transmute stuff?"
  247. >The pony laughs, followed by a rough sounding cough
  248. >"Oh no no no. It's a living creature."
  249. >Raise an eyebrow
  250. "I thought you said it wasn't an animal"
  251. >"Believe me... Anon, was it?"
  252. >Nod
  253. >"Believe me. If you saw what was in there. You would want it contained as well."
  254. >Shift uneasily
  255. "How long have you guarded it?"
  256. >"Ever since my father died, who upheld the burden after his father died, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his fa--"
  257. "I get it."
  258. >"Ahem, yes, quite. But it's the only one of its kind, you know. Most ponies doubt it even exists"
  259. >He coughs again
  260. >"Ahh, but I am rambling again. I must make haste. I should like to reach Hoofington before dusk."
  261. >He walks around to the front of the cart and pushes a button
  262. >The store packs itself up
  263. "How the..."
  264. >The old pony laughs heartily
  265. >"You'd be amazed by what a large amount of uhh, 'legitimate gold' will buy you."
  266.  
  267. 7/?
  268.  
  269.  
  270. >He fastens himself up at the front of the wagon and begins to pull it
  271. >Call after him
  272. "Will you be alright?"
  273. >He shouts back over his shoulder as he pulls away
  274. >"Magic, dear Anon! It's light as a feather!"
  275. >Fucking magic.
  276. >It's so much bullshit.
  277. >Watch him go
  278. >...
  279. "HEY WAIT! IS THIS GOLD EVEN REAL?!"
  280. >You can just make out his voice
  281. >"Of course it is! The methods by which you obtained it are not!"
  282. >Well that's okay then.
  283. >You pocket the fist-sized hunk of gold and pat it through the fabric of your jacket
  284. >Turn to head back to town
  285. >Nearly trip over Pinkie Pie
  286. >"Hi!"
  287. "Where the hell did you even get to?"
  288. >"I was hiding that old pony's stuff all over town in case of emergencies!"
  289. "God dammit."
  290.  
  291. >You head back to your stall and decide to call it a day on the grounds that "holy shit look at all the gold you have"
  292. >This stuff could easily buy you a holiday
  293. >Gems around here are commonplace, and bits even more-so. But actual pure ore is incredibly rare. The stuff in your pocket is worth a fortune
  294. >You chuckle as you head towards Rarity's shop
  295. >Something tells you she might want it.
  296.  
  297. 8/?
  298.  
  299. >"B-b-but HOW?! WHERE! HOW DID YOU FIND THIS?!"
  300. "Oh, you know. Just lying around."
  301. >"Whaaaaa..."
  302. >Rarity is at a loss for words
  303. >You were right. She DID want it.
  304. >Turns out the gold is the purest she's ever seen.
  305. >She gulps, her eyes glued to the huge chunk of gold in your outstretched palm
  306. >"I... How much do you want, Anon?"
  307. "How much are you willing to pay?"
  308. >"Five hundred bits."
  309. >HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
  310. >OKAY, ANON. PLAY IT COOL.
  311. "Hmm... A f-fairly good offer... But how much are you willing to go up to?"
  312. >Rarity tears her gaze from the gold and looks right into your eyes
  313. >"Anon. I will perform acts of unimaginable sexual depravity on you and give you half of my life savings if you give me that gold."
  314. >...
  315. "C-can't I just have one thousand bits?"
  316. >"Done."
  317. >ANON YOU'RE A FUCKING MASTERMIND
  318. >You stand in stunned silence as Rarity takes the gold from you and squeals like a school girl before half-running towards her bedroom
  319. >Rarity was prepared to screw you for the gold
  320. >You take note of 'tha ass on dat ho' as she runs away from you
  321. >Damn, you're smooth
  322. >She returns shortly with a huge sack of coins
  323. >"There you go, Anonymous. A pleasure doing business with you!"
  324. "I'm surprised you even had that much money."
  325. >"Anonymous, I'm the biggest fashion designer in Equestria right now, and I make dresses for ponies like Sapphire Shores."
  326. >She winks at you
  327. >"Money isn't much of an issue for me anymore."
  328. >You turn to leave
  329. >Before you reach the door you hear her again
  330. >"Oh, and Anonymous?"
  331. >Pause to let her finish
  332. >"I would have paid five thousand."
  333. >YOU GOT OUT-JEW'D BY A HORSE
  334. >ANON YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON
  335.  
  336. 9/?
  337.  
  338. >Feel the weight of the coinage on your way home
  339. >This will easily pay for a few months off work
  340. >'It could have been a few years'
  341. >Shut up, brain.
  342. >Reach your home and unlock the front door, taking no mind of the small mole-hill next to your feet
  343. >Toss the bag of coins on the table
  344. >Take off your jacket and stretch, loosening your tie while you do so
  345. >Who wears a suit to sell apples, anyway?
  346. >Walk toward your lounge and settle down on the sofa with a pony magazine
  347. >"How to train your stallion - Bondage technique and domination strategies"
  348. >It's Fluttershy's, you swear
  349. >Flip over a page and scan the 'milking' section absent-mindedly
  350. >The silence of the house is the perfect reading atmosphere, and you sigh in content
  351. >Turn to page 7 to see how the tie up even the most burly of males
  352. >Why you're still even reading is troubling to say the least
  353. >You blame boredo--
  354. >...
  355. >Sit up, ears strained
  356. >Was that...?
  357. >Listening intently, you make out the sounds of shuffling
  358. >Groan
  359. >Fluttershy got in again
  360. >You get up off the sofa, casting aside your magazine and heading towards your bedroom
  361. >Nudge open the door, ready to open a can of whoop ass
  362. >To your surprise, there's nothing there.
  363. >Your bedroom is empty
  364. >Scratch your head, confused
  365. >You hear the sound of boxes falling over
  366. >Roll your eyes
  367. >The basement, of course
  368. >Trudge over to the the door leading down into your rarely used basement and grab a torch on the way there
  369. >Push open the door and plod down the wooden steps
  370. >You could be reading about bondage right now
  371. "Alright, you insufferable pegasus. I know you're down here. Where are you?"
  372. >Survey the room with your torch, the beam of light illuminating the various boxes and objects you had haphazardly thrown down here during your life in Equestria
  373. >Hear more shuffling
  374. >Turn your light on the top-most box above a pile
  375. "Why are you hiding in a box?"
  376. >The box stops moving
  377. >And instead topples forwards
  378.  
  379. 10/?
  380.  
  381. >Polystyrene stuffing goes everywhere
  382. >Keep your light trained on the white mound
  383. "...Fluttershy? Did you drink a shrinking potion? I told you to stay away from that shit after you got stuck in my drainpipe."
  384. >'Fluttershy' shakes herself and scatters her cover
  385. >You make a concious effort not to drop the torch
  386. >What sits among a pile of packaging sits a very unhappy looking creature
  387. >You mouth the words "what the hell" and crouch down
  388. >The creature looks at you, its head lopsided and large black eyes curiously studying you
  389. >If you had to describe it, you'd say that it looks like a very small wooly mammoth.
  390. >Curly brown fur clings to every part of its body, as well as the little trunk protruding off its face
  391. >Said trunk is poking around and picking up polystyrene
  392. >The creature carefully places a piece of the white foam in it's mouth, chews for a second, then spits it out and blares a trumpet-like sound from its trunk in frustration
  393. >Little ivory horns poke out from its skull, and its hooves are tipped with small rounded claws
  394. >That appear to be covered in... Mud.
  395. >You raise your torch above the creature and look at the area behind the box it fell out of
  396. >A large hole seems to be been tunnelled into the side of your wall
  397. >You let out a short quiet laugh then turn your torch back on the creature
  398. >It's stood up now, and is trying to be sneaky by hiding behind a small pile of foam
  399. >You offer a hand towards it
  400. >The creature tentatively reaches towards you with its trunk
  401. >Your index finger brushes the tip of it, causing the fluffball to recoil
  402. >It takes a deep breath
  403. >Sneezes
  404. >And turns a nearby piece of polystyrene into diamonds
  405. >Your jaw drops
  406. >Slowly, you alternate between gaping at the creature, now looking much happier with itself, and the small pile of perfectly cut diamonds on your basement floor
  407.  
  408. 11/?
  409.  
  410. "Hoe-lee shit."
  411. >"BRRRRRRRRPP!"
  412. >The creature starts running around you, tooting its own horn merrily
  413. >It trips up, tumbles to the floor, and smacks its face against the stone
  414. >You wince as you hear a crack
  415. "Woah! Are you okay?"
  416. >Pick it up, hoping that the little mammoth is unharmed
  417. >It looks back at you, a huge dopey grin on its face
  418. >Glance at the area where it tripped
  419. >The point where its face hit the floor is now cracked and broken
  420. "Tough little bastard, aren't you?"
  421. >"BRRP!"
  422. >Its trumpet noises make you giggle
  423. "Did you come from the old pony's chest? How did you get out?"
  424. >The thing shrugs
  425. >It literally shrugs, complete with little head shake as if to say 'hell if I know'
  426. >Stand up, shining your torch down on your new discovery
  427. "Well, guess I'd better take you to Flu-"
  428. >...
  429. "Acutally, no. Let's -not- take you to Fluttershy. She'll pussify you and make you all gooey"
  430. >The creature 'BRRRPS' in response
  431. "Stick with me, little buddy. I'll keep you safe. But first we need to name you..."
  432.  
  433. >You sit at your kitchen table, staring at the the little bundle of fluff perched on it
  434. >It's cleaning itself with its trunk
  435. "How about Rudolph?"
  436. >"Brrp."
  437. >It shakes its head
  438. "Uhh, Sandy?"
  439. >"BRRRRP"
  440. "Okay! Okay!... What gender are you anyway?"
  441. >You reach over and pull up its leg, looking at where its dong should be
  442. >Nothing there
  443. "Alright then, so you're a girl. Fair enough. Are you sure you don't like Sandy?"
  444. >"BRP."
  445. >She turns your salt and pepper shakers into rare geodes
  446. >So now you have a pile of diamonds in your basement, and some unidentifiable rocks on your table. Wonderful.
  447. "I'd appreciate it if you stopped trying to make me rich."
  448. >She starts panting like a dog
  449. >Dog...
  450. "Wait, what do you eat? I don't recall the old guy telling me what you eat. Or even how old you are."
  451. >She shrugs again
  452.  
  453. 12/?
  454.  
  455. >A knock on your door interrupts you
  456. >"A-anon? Are you in there? I have s-something for you"
  457. >Shit. Of all the times she could have picked
  458. "We can't let her see you little buddy, hide under the sink!"
  459. >The mammoth shakes her head
  460. >And instead atomises herself
  461. >Blink a few times
  462. "Wow. It's a miracle you didn't break out sooner."
  463. >More knocks
  464. "Alright, alright! I'm coming. Fuck."
  465. >March towards your door and throw it open
  466. >A large black hairy fist sends you hurtling back into your kitchen
  467. >Slam into your kitchen table, shattering it
  468. >You carry on skidding along your floor until you come to a stop at a wall
  469. "Uuugh..."
  470. >"W-was that too hard? I just wanted to know if gorillas were you fetish!"
  471. >Groggily look up
  472. >An absolutely massive ape glares down at you
  473. >He's easily twice your size
  474. "Whu... Why don't you go for -his- hot m-monkey dick..."
  475. >Fluttershy shakes her head
  476. >"Oh no! I couldn't do that. Mister Bananas here is gay!"
  477. >A gay gorilla.
  478. >Oh fuck.
  479. "Well... So am I then."
  480. >"Don't be silly, Anon. Humans can't be gay!"
  481. >Dis mare.
  482. >Your dazed state did make you say something dumb though, because now the gorilla is getting excited
  483. >"What's that, Mister Bananas?"
  484. >"OO OO OOOOO"
  485. >"W-well okay... But leave some for me, silly!"
  486. "No no NO!"
  487. >"Don't be mean, Anon. Just let him have his fun."
  488. "FUCK NO!"
  489. >The gorilla's dick starts poking out at you
  490. >It will easily tear you in two
  491. >He hungrily licks his lips and "ooos" a few more times before stomping towards you
  492. >A huge meaty hand reaches towards you
  493. >This is gonna get messy
  494. >You shake your head and get ready to fight this oversized American tooth and nail
  495. >Just then, though, you notice the gorilla's hand
  496. >And so does he
  497. >You both watch in horror as the end of the gorillas hand just starts to... Dissipate
  498. >Like sand in the wind, the ape's hand, then arm, then entire body just blows away on some unforeseen cosmic wind, leaving absolutely nothing behind
  499.  
  500. 13/?
  501.  
  502. >"M-Mister Bananas?! What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
  503. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
  504. >"W-where... B-but..."
  505. >Fluttershy starts hyperventilating
  506. >You notice the cupboard door under the sink open a crack
  507. >A small furry face stares out at you, illuminated by its trunk, which is glowing a rich golden colour
  508. >Shake your head frantically
  509. >Fluttershy breaks down and starts sobbing
  510. >She hurls herself into your arms and begins covering your shirt and tie in drool, tears and mucus
  511. >"H-HE WAS ONLY SIX DAYS FROM APE RETIREMENT!"
  512. "There there, Fluttershy... There there... There's no such thing as ape retirement..."
  513. >This only makes her cry harder
  514. >"I-I-I just don't understand!"
  515. "Maybe he just went back to his home planet."
  516. >"Y-you think so?"
  517. "Uhh. Yeah, sure."
  518. >She sniffs
  519. >"Th-thanks, Anon... You always know how to make me feel better.
  520. >...
  521. "..."
  522. >"S-so can we have sex now?"
  523.  
  524. >"EEK!"
  525. "AND DON'T COME BACK! AGAIN!"
  526. >Slam the door
  527. >Run back into your kitchen, disregarding the now completely fixed table
  528. >Tear open the cupboard doors and flinch as the creature jumps out and starts blaring its trunk again
  529. >"BRRP! BRRRRP! BRRRRRRRRP!"
  530. "I get it, I get it. Listen, that was you, just then?"
  531. >She nods happily
  532. >You take a deep breath
  533. "Hoooo shit..."
  534. >Wipe your forehead and kneel down in front of her
  535. "Listen, you can't go around doing that shit, alright? You can't just... Make things disintegrate."
  536. >She cocks her head and 'BRRP's
  537. "I know, it's the easier route to all of life's problems, hell, I wish I could do half the shit you can. But you can't do that to ponies, alright?"
  538. >The creature is silent
  539. "Am I understood?"
  540. >She huffs and looks away
  541. "Good girl."
  542.  
  543. 14/?
  544.  
  545. "Now, we're going to go and see my friend, Twilight Sparkle. She's smart and might know what you are. But the only reason I'm going to her is because Fluttershy is a faggot and I don't want you becoming another one of her animal slaves. But if you do so much as turn someone into solid gold, I'll drag you over to her and you can deal with whatever happens, okay?"
  546. >"Brrrp."
  547. "Good. Now uhh, get inside my jacket, I'll hide you from the public--"
  548. >She explodes into light and vanishes
  549. "...Eye. Ugh... What now?"
  550. >"BRP!"
  551. "Woah shit!... Invisibility. Okay. I can deal with that."
  552.  
  553. >Exit your house and begin walking towards Twilight's place
  554. >You pray that the little bugger stays close to you
  555. >Just to make sure, you call out in a small voice so as not to draw attention to yourself
  556. "Y-you still there?"
  557. >"BRRP!"
  558. >That was right next to your ear
  559. >Fffffuck it hurt.
  560. >A flash of light reveals the mammoth before your face
  561. >It's grown bat wings
  562. >What the fuck.
  563. >Though it looks quite funny. It's legs just sort of dangle there while the leathery wings flap as fast as they can to keep it afloat
  564. >Before you can ask her what she's doing, she disappears again in yet another burst of light
  565. >You feel her nudge the side of your face as she no doubt starts circling your head
  566. >Walking into town puts you on edge, even though you know that no one can see you
  567. >The creature occasionally bangs into your head to let you know that she's still there, but other than that the walk is uneventful
  568. >You reach the tree house and knock on the door, nervously looking around
  569. >Spike answers it
  570. >"Heya, Anon! How's it hanging?"
  571. "Not... Bad, did you just say 'how's it hanging'?"
  572. >"Yeah?"
  573. "Well don't say it again. It's so nineteen nineties"
  574. >"What?"
  575. "Nothing. Where's Twilight?
  576. >"She's just upstairs reading. As usual. Want me to go and get her?"
  577. "No no, it's fine. I'll just go on up myself."
  578.  
  579. 15/?
  580.  
  581. >"Okay, bro. See you around!"
  582. >He goes to waddle past you
  583. "Where are you off to?"
  584. >"I'm going to Rarity's! She says she has a special treat for me."
  585. >He scampers between your legs and off towards Rarity's shop.
  586. >You shake your head and walk through the door, shutting it behind you
  587. >"BRRP!"
  588. "Whoops"
  589. >You reopen and wait for a second, then close it again
  590. >"Brp."
  591. "Alright."
  592. >Head towards the stairs
  593. >Reach Twilight's bedroom door
  594. "Twilight? It's me, Anon!"
  595. >Push it open
  596. >Hear a mad scramble as Twilight gets out of bed and untangles herself from the covers. Her mane is a mess
  597. >"I uhh, I was reading!"
  598. "Okay then, listen. I need your help"
  599. >"Oooh! Is it with a book?"
  600. "No."
  601. >She trots over to you
  602. >"Did the princess write to you again?"
  603. "No, I blacklisted her after last time."
  604. >"Then what?"
  605. >You inhale then exhale deeply
  606. "Little buddy? You can come out now"
  607. >Your airborne friend materialises itself next to your head and hovers down to Twilight's level
  608. >Twilight is amazed
  609. >"Oh my goodness! Anon, what IS this thing?"
  610. "I have no idea. I was hoping you could help me."
  611. >"Wouldn't Fluttersh--"
  612. "No."
  613. >"O-oh, alright then."
  614. >She pokes it with a hoof
  615. >It "Brrps" in response
  616. >She pokes it again
  617. >Another, more annoyed "Brrp"
  618. "I really wouldn't do that if I was you, Twilight"
  619. >"Nonsense, Anon! This is the scientific method!"
  620. "What, poking?"
  621. >"Of course!"
  622. >She pokes it one more time
  623. >The creature lets out an aggravated "BRRRRP" and turns a nearby pile of books into rubies
  624. >"GAAAAH!"
  625. >You just smack your lips
  626. >Hyper-advanced transmutation of any substance into gems is old news to you
  627. >Twilight stammers
  628. >"A-are those real?"
  629. "Rarity sure thought so."
  630. >"You've showed it to Rarity?"
  631. "No. I sold a piece of dirt-turned-gold to her for like, a thousand bits."
  632.  
  633. 16/?
  634.  
  635. >Twilight cautiously approaches the bat/mammoth again
  636. >It menacingly floats there looking dopey
  637. >Terrifying
  638. >"Where did you find it?"
  639. "I didn't. It found me. Also there was an old pony keeping it captive in a chest, I think it broke free."
  640. >"I can see why he had it locked up! This creature could break the economy!"
  641. "It can do more than that, Twilight. It evaporated an entire gorilla an while ago."
  642. >She blinks a few times
  643. >"O... Kay then. Uhh, I'll go and get some books on mystical creatures"
  644. >She runs out the room
  645. >Look over at the rubies
  646. "Those are some damn fine rubies, friendo."
  647. >"Brrp."
  648. "...So have you thought of a name for yourself yet?"
  649. >"Brrp."
  650. "That's a terrible name. And does it smell like something funny in here?"
  651. >"Brrp."
  652. "Yeah, thought so too."
  653. >Twilight comes cantering up the stairs books in tow
  654. >In fact, half the library, by the looks of it
  655. >"Found them! Lets get to work!"
  656. >When faced with all this reading, you kinda miss your questionable bondage magazine that is totally Fluttershy's.
  657.  
  658. 17/?
  659.  
  660. >"Found anything yet?"
  661. "Nnnnope. You?"
  662. >Twilight sighs
  663. >"No, nothing in -this- one either!"
  664. >She throws another book onto the pile that has nothing
  665. >"Oh! This one is sure to have something!"
  666. >You look over at her
  667. "'Hemet Neighsingway's big book of beasties'. Seriously?"
  668. >She nods excitedly
  669. >"He was a big time explorer! He must have come across our friend here at least once!"
  670. >You leave her to it and instead turn your attention to your own book
  671. >'Bedtime foal stories'
  672. >A simple little book adorned with a picture of a happy dragon on the front
  673. >You open it and start reading, skimming the pages for any references
  674. >"Huh, nothing there... But he DID find a race of giant spiders living in the Zebrican forests..."
  675. >Your own book shows nothing cool like that
  676. >Finish the poem about a foal that was convinced that his toys were out to get him and move onto the next story
  677. >'The Ufflesnout'
  678. >"Wow! Hey, Anon! Hemet once killed a dragon with his bare hooves!"
  679. "Uh huh..."
  680. >You aren't paying attention, you're staring at the picture next to the title of the story
  681. >"Oh, wait, that's a smudge. He actually killed a turtle."
  682. >You tune her out and proceed to read the story to yourself
  683.  
  684. 18/?
  685.  
  686. >'Once upon a time, there was a poor stallion named Raggy Sack'
  687. >'Raggy Sack was very poor. But he was also in love with the beautiful duke's daughter, Gentle Glass'
  688. >'Gentle Glass was a careful pony who loved emeralds and rubies and diamonds and more!'
  689. >'But Raggy Sack had none to present her with, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
  690. >'Until one day, the duke announced that whomsoever could find the largest gem could take his daughter's hoof in marriage!'
  691. >'Raggy Sack was hopeful, but remembered that he had none to present her with, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
  692. >'The weeks went by and many other stallions tried their hoof to claim the duke's daughter, but none brought gems large enough to please the duke.'
  693. >'Raggy Sack was hopeful, but remembered that he had none to present her with either, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
  694. >'One day, Raggy Sack was out searching for gems, when he came upon a curious creature covered in crystals'
  695. >'When he got a closer look, he saw that it was an Ufflesnout!'
  696. >'Raggy Sack told the Ufflesnout of his desire for Gentle Glass. And the Ufflesnout was kind.'
  697. >'With a bang and a flash and a great big splash, the Ufflesnout turned a nearby rock resting in water into a huge emerald!'
  698. >'Raggy Sack took the emerald and ran as fast as his hooves could take him to the duke's manor'
  699. >'And there, he presented him with the emerald, to which the duke happily gave Raggy Sack his daughter's hoof in marriage'
  700. >'When Raggy Sack returned from his wedding, he went to find the Ufflesnout to thank it, but it was not there, and had disappeared'
  701. >'Raggy Sack was sad. But he was also thankful'
  702. >'Because his heart was now full and wracked in love'
  703. >'The End'
  704.  
  705. 19/?
  706.  
  707. >You stare at the crude drawing at the bottom of the page
  708. >A small, brown, four-legged creature with a big trunk is shown snuggled up to a huge emerald
  709. >You slowly look up
  710. >Twilight is nose-deep in Hemet's adventures
  711. "Twilight?"
  712. >"Not now, Anon. Did you know that Hemet lived to be 289?"
  713. "Twi."
  714. >"Oh, sorry, that's another smudge. He died at 28 from a boating accident--"
  715. "TWILIGHT!"
  716. >"Gah! Sorry! Yes?"
  717. "I've uhh, found it."
  718. >Twilight gasps and tears the book from your grasp with magic
  719. >She skim reads the story
  720. >"Well... It certainly adds up. Even if the story is a bit... Foalish"
  721. >She puts the book down
  722. >"At least we have a reference now, though.
  723. >She glances at the Ufflesnout, now sniffing around the pile of books yet to be read
  724. >Twilight snorts
  725. >"Heh, 'Ufflesnout'. Isn't it a silly name?"
  726. >The Ufflesnout nearby huffs angrily and turns the book in Twilight's magical aura into a piece of quartz
  727. >"BRRP!"
  728. >"Hehe, uhh, sorry..."
  729. >Twilight stands up and walks over to the pile
  730. >"Gotta be around here somewhere... Ah!"
  731. >She picks out a large tome and starts flicking through it
  732. >"I was skeptical it would be in here, but I'm beginning to piece everything together now..."
  733. >You join her and read over her shoulder
  734. "Folklore, Twilight?"
  735. >"Yes, I was sure that I've heard the name Ufflesnout before, and now I'm certain!"
  736. >She points at the top of a page
  737. >"There we are. The mystery of the Ufflesnout"
  738. >Clearing her throat, the unicorn begins to read
  739.  
  740. 20/?
  741.  
  742. >"Though almost woefully deprived of evidence of its existence, many rural towns in Equestria cling to the belief of a creature that can turn stone into gold and outmatch a unicorn in magical talent. The Ufflesnout is a creature who is said to owe its existence to Discord."
  743. >She raises an eyebrow
  744. >"That'll explain a lot"
  745. "Go on?"
  746. >"During the age of Discord, many animals and plants were warped by the chaotic magics that plagued the land, and though the royal sisters made sure to destroy any remnants of that dark age, the Ufflesnout is believed to have survived purely by hiding under rocks and in caves, rather than creating traceable magic fields that the sisters could track down."
  747. >Twilight chuckles
  748. >"That's kinda cute when you think about it"
  749. "I watched this thing obliterate something twice the size of me, Twilight."
  750. >"Aheh, uhh... Yeah... Despite tales of the creature fading over time, there are still some that are adamant to admit that the creature is gone. Such stories of the creature range from hilarious to sinister."
  751. >The Ufflesnout sneezes and transforms Hemet's book into mercury
  752. >"Said to never age, never eat, never sleep and never tire, the Ufflesnout is easily the most blatantly overexaggerated character in all of pony mythology. Though the royal sisters have said again and again that no such creature ever existed, tales about the creature still manage to survive purely through rumour."
  753. >"Historians and Arcane Scholars all agree that the Ufflesnout is a lie invented to challenge the power of the royals, almost as a parody of any sort of threat by taking the most ridiculous aspects of any creature in Equestria and merging them into one fantastical monster."
  754. >Twilight puts the book down
  755. >You both stare at the most powerful form of wildlife in Equestria as it tries to eat "A guide to supernatural spirits"
  756. >It doesn't like it. So instead the book becomes a large chunk of opal, and the Ufflesnout moves on
  757.  
  758. 21/?
  759.  
  760. >"Well... Uhh. I suppose we should probably call Celestia"
  761. "Woah woah woah!"
  762. >Move in front of Twilight
  763. "Is that... Really necessary? I mean, it's harmless! Look at it!"
  764. >Glancing around, you watch as the Ufflesnout phase shifts from the floor to the top of a pile of books before jumping off, cracking the floorboards on impact, and phasing to the top of the pile again.
  765. >She blares her trunk happily
  766. >"Anon, you read what the book said--"
  767. "The book was going off rumours. All this thing can do is turn stuff into gems. Big deal"
  768. >"Didn't you say it killed a full grown gorilla?"
  769. "Well to be fair, the gorilla was trying to rape me, and the little thing was protecting me"
  770. >"It's clearly dangerous, Anon! Can you imagine what would happen if it was allowed to keep living?!"
  771. "And what are you going to do, Twilight. Just call in Celestia and watch her destroy the poor thing? That's horrible! I thought you would help me hide it, not call in the princess to blow it up!"
  772. >"Anon, you're being unreasonable! How can you even say you can hide it?"
  773. "It can turn invisible! And also, it's a she."
  774. >Twilight huffs and pushes the Ufflesnout onto its back
  775. >She flails her legs around in the air and squeals
  776. >Twilight lets her back up
  777. >"Genderless."
  778. "What?"
  779. >"The Ufflesnout is genderless. Kinda expected really. It was created by Discord"
  780. "...She didn't ask to be created..."
  781. >"Anon, look. The creature in this room was willed into existence by a god. And it lived in a time when chaos was all around it. Do you really think it belongs here?"
  782. "Maybe I -should- have taken it to Fluttershy. At least she looks after animals and doesn't condemn them"
  783. >"Ugh. When did you get so attached to animals?!"
  784. "I'm not. Just this one. I like it, Twilight. It's... Different."
  785. >"It's capable of destroying this entire town, Anon."
  786. "So? I am as well."
  787. >Twilight snickers
  788. >"Okay, Anon. Whatever you say."
  789. >Fucking horses.
  790.  
  791. 22/?
  792.  
  793. "I'm not giving you my chaos beast"
  794. >"YOUR chaos beast? Anon, that Ufflesnout belongs to no one, and I will NOT let you leave with it in tow!"
  795. "It's survived all this time!"
  796. >"It was locked in a box! Most likely covered in magical enchantments!"
  797. "Why not imprison it again?"
  798. >"Now who's being unethical?!"
  799. >"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!"
  800. >You both flinch and look down at the Ufflesnout
  801. >It glares at the two of you and clears its throat
  802. >"BBrrp. Brrrp BRRRRp Brprbp brp. Brp? BRRRRP! BRRRP Brrp brrp brpbrpbrp Brp Brp. BRP. Brrrp brp brrRRPpp Brp BRrrPr Brp BRRP BRPBR brp... Brp."
  803. >...
  804. "Do you know what it said?"
  805. >"No idea"
  806. >The Ufflesnout lets out a long drawn out "brrrrrrrrrrrp"
  807. >Stands up straight
  808. >Nods at you
  809. >Then explodes
  810. "WOAH!"
  811. >"AAAH!"
  812. "I'VE GOT UFFLESNOUT IN MY MOUTH!"
  813. >"IT'S IN MY HAIR!"
  814. "OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"
  815. >"THIS IS HORRIBLE!"
  816.  
  817. 23/?
  818.  
  819. >15 minutes and a big clean-up later, you and Twilight sit on her bed, looking at the black burn mark where the Ufflesnout once stood
  820. >"So... It blew itself up."
  821. "Yup."
  822. >"I for one wasn't expecting that."
  823. "Me neither"
  824. >"...I'm sorry for threatening to call the princess to incinerate your pet, Anonymous."
  825. "I'm sorry for harbouring a being forged in chaos capable of annihilating anything it chooses, Twilight."
  826. >She hugs your waist
  827. >"Friends?"
  828. "Friends."
  829.  
  830. "Man, what IS that smell?"
  831. >Twilight blushes heavily.
  832.  
  833. >
  834.  
  835. >
  836.  
  837. >
  838.  
  839. >Meanwhile, on a tropical island in the middle of the Herduda Triangle located at the centre of the Grand Ocean
  840. >The sand whips up as a small furry animal blasts into existence, creating a small crater on the beach
  841. >It coughs and looks around at the palm trees, then at the surrounding ocean
  842. >It sighs
  843. >Sneezes
  844. >Turns a nearby crab into a framed picture of one
  845. >And waddles into the jungle in search of something to chew on.
  846.  
  847. 24/24
  848. The End
/FLUTTERRAPE/

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