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[FLUTTERRAPE] Friendship Report
By NebulusCreated: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 23:07:25
Expiry: Never
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Originally uploaded to Pastebin: August 2nd, 2013
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>Dump your binbag full of rubbish into the rubbish bin next to your house.
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>Dust your hands off and sigh, taking a moment to enjoy the heat on your face.
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>Equestria is warm as hell on the best of days.
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>Hear a distant voice on the winds.
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>Strain your ears to try and pick it up further.
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>Notice that your hands are beginning to prickle.
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>...
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"Oh no."
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>Fear fills you.
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>Spin around.
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>The voice on the winds is much louder now.
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>"Aaaaaaanoooon!"
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"No. Not again. NOT AGAIN!"
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>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
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>Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess and heir to nobody's throne slams into you.
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"I JUST WANT ONE FUCKING DAY ALONE!"
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>"ANON THERE'S TROUBLE AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!"
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"WHY?!"
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>She slaps you with a hoof, grips the front of your shirt with magic and violently shakes you back and forth.
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>"BEcAUSE THE VOICES DEMAND IT!"
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"I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH."
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>You are Anon.
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>Involuntary adventurer.
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>"Alright, Anon. Here's the deal."
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>You're tied to a chair in Twilight's basement.
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>She turns around in a high back office chair and places her elbows on the desk, bringing her hooves together.
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>"We need your help."
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"Why have you made your basement an office?"
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>"There's trouble brewing. And because I'm now a princess, I need you to do my dirty work for me."
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"Have you seriously got a plaque that says 'Da Boss'?"
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>"Fluttershy has told me that there's been suspicious activity near the Everfree Forest. And I'd like you to investigate."
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"I thought you said you needed my help. Not my eyes."
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>"Technically, using your eyes -would- be helping"
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>She grins.
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>You glower.
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"No deal. I have better things to do."
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>"No you don't."
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"And who are you to say that?"
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>Twilight pulls out a small brown-backed book and slides it across the desk towards you.
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>It's your planner.
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>Stare at it, slowly raising your eyes to look at Twilight.
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>She gives you a toothy smile and unbinds you with magic.
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>Tentatively open it to today's date.
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>Start flicking through every page, increasing the pace with each page turned.
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>Every single page has "HELP OUT TWILIGHT" written in red ink.
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>The very last page reads "Pick up milk".
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"DAMMIT, TWILIGHT. I DON'T EVEN DRINK MILK!"
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>"IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR BONES! But that's not the point. You're not too busy, and books don't lie."
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"How are -you- a princess?"
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>She sticks her tongue out.
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>Twilight stands up and walks over to a fireplace.
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>That she's inexplicably built in her basement, even though she has a perfectly good one upstairs.
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>She strikes a pose and gives you a questioning look.
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>"So. You'll do as I ask, yes?"
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>Realise that she's stood in front of a massive painted portrait of her stood in the exact same place striking the same pose, complete with Dreamworks smile.
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"Help you, investigate the forest, then what?"
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>"Well, if you survive, you can go home."
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"Sweet."
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>Doesn't sound so bad.
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"So where abouts was this strange sighting?"
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>"O-oh, Anon! Thank goodness you came! I was worried you might, um, not come... B-but if you still want to come, I'm ready and waiting..."
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>Fluttershy blushes.
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>Don't answer her.
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>"S-so what do you think?"
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>Don't answer her.
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>"Can you help me?"
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>Don't answer her.
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>"I'm worried it might hurt somep0ny..."
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>The massive black and green vortex hovering slightly above ground uproots a nearby tree and drags in into the swirling abyss.
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>"It looks sort of dangerous."
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>The pebbles near your feet begin shuffling towards the void.
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"This uh..."
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>A rabbit gets sucked in.
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"This might be out of my area of expertise."
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>A loud purple bang scares the shit out of you.
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>"Ah! Anon. There you are"
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"What the fuck, Twilight?!"
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>"I know! I was rooting through your drawers and found this!"
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>She holds up a long dead mobile phone that came with you.
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>"Is it some kind of human pleasure device?"
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"TWILIGHT."
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>Point at what you're now sure is some kind of black hole.
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"WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THIS?"
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>She scrunches her face up and scrutinises the vortex, ignoring an otter that nearly hits her head as it flies past and into it.
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>Just then a lightbulb appears over her head.
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>That gets dragged in as well.
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>"Ah ha! So -that's- where I put it!"
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"You... MADE this?"
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>"Of course! I was trying to make soup."
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>She laughs.
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>"Pretty crazy, huh?"
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"Twilight are you insane?"
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>She grabs your face with magic and drags you down so that your nose is touching hers.
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>"LOOK INTO MY EYES, ANON. GAZE INTO MY EYES JUST AS I GAZED INTO THE HEART OF MADNESS AND EMBRACED INSANITY. GONE IS THE MARE YOU ONCE KNEW. THERE IS ONLY ENTROPY IN HER PLACE."
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"Being a princess must really suck"
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>"I'm amazed I haven't killed myself yet!"
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>She laughs again.
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>"Oooh... I'm hilarious. I should write that one down!"
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>And she does.
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>The paper and quill then get wrenched from her grasp and into the vortex.
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>"Woah! When did that portal to Changeling territory get there?!"
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"What."
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>She strolls over to the vortex, seemingly unphased by the sheer gravitational pull its emitting, and starts prodding it with a stick.
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>When the stick gets pulled in and disappears, Twilight gasps.
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>"Fascinating!"
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>She returns to your side.
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>"Okay, Anon! I have a job for you!"
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"Don't say it."
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>"I want you."
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"DON'T."
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>"To jump into the portal. And return to me your findings."
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"...WHY."
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>"I dunno. For kicks!"
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>She picks you up with magic and hurls you into the void.
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>Unspeakable images flash before your eyes as you traverse the planes between this world and the next.
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>This must be why vortex travel is actually illegal in Equestria.
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>When you emerge from the other side, you land on an uprooted tree, a quill, some paper, and two dead furry animals, as well as a shit load of soil and grass.
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>Blink a few times to make sure you're not actually dead.
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>A sudden blow to the head confirms your lack of mortality.
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>Clutch your head and groan.
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>Rub it and see what hit you.
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>Fluttershy is wrapped around the tree.
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"Whaa..."
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>Look up at the vortex.
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>Twilight's head pokes out.
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>"HELLO AGAIN! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"
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"Yes..."
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>"GOOD! IT'S QUITE LOUD IN HERE!"
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>Another bout of laughter.
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>"LISTEN! THIS IS YOUR MISSION. TO INVESTIGATE THE CHANGELINGS! THEN WRITE A FRIENDSHIP REPORT! THEN I WON'T WRITE BACK FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND LEAVE YOU IN THE DARK!"
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>Her eye twitches violently.
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>"JUST LIKE WHEN CELESTIA WAS MY MENTOR! NOW I'M JUST LIKE HER! SEE! I CAN BE A PRINCESS TOO! I CAN ORDER PEOPLE ABOUT!"
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>She explodes into laughter.
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>"OKAY! I'M GONNA GO NOW! BYE ANON! GOOD LUCK!"
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"WHY THE FUCK IS FLUTTERSHY HERE?"
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>"SHE JUMPED IN AFTER YOU IN AN ACT OF UNWAVERING LOVE AND CONCERN FOR YOUR WELLBEING!"
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"Really?"
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>"NO! I THREW HER IN!"
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>The princess guffaws a final time before charging up her horn.
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>"CHEERIO!"
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>And with that, the vortex sucks itself inwards, leaving the air where it was still again.
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>Sit on the fallen tree, your head resting on the palm of your hand, a bored look on your face.
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>All around you is absolutely nothing.
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>Wasteland as far as you can see.
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>Sigh and slide off the tree.
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>Walk around and poke Fluttershy's face.
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"Get up. Your idiot friend has stranded us."
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>She groans.
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>"B-but we haven't seen Rainbow Dash all day..."
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"Your other idiot friend, moron."
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>"Applejack?"
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>Pinch the bridge of your nose.
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"Right. Fuck this."
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>Start walking in a random direction.
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>A scroll materialises before your very eyes.
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>Grasp it before it can fall to the floor.
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>Unfurl it.
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>'Wrong way.'
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"Seriously?"
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>Raise your fists to the heavens
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"GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE, YOU BELLEND!"
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>Another scroll appears in a sunbeam, accompanied by what you swear is the singing of angels.
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>Grab and open it.
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>'No.'
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>Crush it in your grip and grind your teeth together.
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>Start stomping in the other direction, past a now fully awake Fluttershy, who is sat on the log watching you storm around.
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>"Can I help?"
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"NO."
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>"Want a back rub?"
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"NO!"
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>"Okay..."
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>Fluttershy starts flying after you.
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>"C-can't we just wait for help?"
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"What help is going to find us out here, Fluttershy?"
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>"Twilight might save us..."
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"And why, pray tell, would she do that?"
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>"She might have had a change of heart and realise that she cares about our safety?"
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>A scroll lands in her mane, already unfurled.
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>'HA!'
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"No, something tells me that Twilight went off in the deep end long ago."
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>"But why?"
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"Being a princess must not have worked out for her. Must have broken her mind with stress or whatever."
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>"Would you like to be a princess, Anon?"
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"Hell no. Princesses are gay."
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>"I'd like to be a princess..."
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>Stop .
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>Turn to her, a deadpan look on your face.
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"Why."
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>She blushes.
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>"Well... Every princess needs a prince..."
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>She hides behind her mane and bites her lip.
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"Of all the ponies to be stuck with..."
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>"Sorry, Anon..."
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>She's quiet for a moment.
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>"...But I think you'd make a really good prince..."
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"Unbelievable. I'm going to leave now, Fluttershy."
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>With that, you stroll off towards an imposing looking plateau.
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>"W-wait! Don't leave me alone!"
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>She latches onto your back as you walk.
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>"You smell nice, Anon."
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"Thanks. I guess."
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>You lumber on, the heat steadily wearing away at your energy, assisted by the pony on your back.
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>Luckily, the sun is creeping behind the plateau ahead, basking you in it's shade.
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>Feel much better as the cooler air washes over you.
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>Decide to take a break next to a rock, prying Fluttershy off your back and placing her on the ground.
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>Slump against the rock and close your eyes.
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>Fluttershy prods your leg.
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>"Anon?"
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"Not now, Fluttershy... I just want to rest for a moment."
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>Enjoy a brief moment of respite before she pokes your leg again.
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>"Anon? Are you thinking about me?"
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>Reply without opening your eyes.
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"Oh god you're so bad at social situations..."
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>"I-I know..."
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>...
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>She pokes your leg.
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>"Anon?"
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"What."
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>"C-can you open your eyes?"
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"No."
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>"Please?"
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>Ugh
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"Fine."
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>Open them.
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"What do y- Oh fuck my ass."
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>Fluttershy, you, and the rock, are surrounded by changelings.
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>They don't look very happy.
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"In retrospect, I should have expected this."
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>You and Fluttershy are currently suspended from a large wooden pole. Bound and upside down similar to how a cannibal tribe would carry their latest catch.
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"Well this sucks."
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>"SILENCE, WHELP!"
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>The largest and most armoured changeling, who you assume is the captain, is leading the pack deeper into the plateau.
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>Which strangely enough happens to be a fortress containing an entire changeling hive.
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>You can tell because the walls are crawling with changelings, each coming out of holes in the walls and roof.
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>Watch as they check up on the sickly green sacks dotted around everywhere before scuttling back into their holes.
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>A couple of them stop to watch you and Fluttershy.
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>Enter a large cavern at what you guess is the heart of this bastion.
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>At the centre of the room, surrounded by green sacks and perched on a hastily assembled rocky throne, is a single huge changeling.
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>You are carried over to her and set at her feet.
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>Look up at her front your new position on the floor.
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"Damn, you're ugly."
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>The captain stamps on your face.
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>It hurts like a bitch.
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>You should have been drinking your milk.
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>The bigger changeling leans down and insects your face.
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>Insects? Inspects? Get it?
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>Damn, you're funny.
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>She grins at you, revealing large fangs and a malicious intent.
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>"Well well well. What do we have here? Some kind of exotic mercenary sent by Celestia to destroy me?"
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"Not even close."
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>"Then what? Speak quickly and don't waste my time."
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"Aight. I'm an alien being sent here by a lunatic princess obsessed with acting more like her teacher whilst being completely unaware of the misery she causes others, she sent me and my companion here--"
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>Nod at Fluttershy, who is pissing herself in fear.
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"--To learn about changelings and friendship."
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>The big bug blinks slowly.
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>"Very, uhh, well."
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>She straightens up.
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>"Release them."
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>The captain blurts out a response.
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>"M-my queen! They might escape!"
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>The queen rolls her eyes.
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>"Oh shut it, Milhouse, they aren't going anywhere."
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>Milhouse looks at his hooves.
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>"...Okay..."
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>The other guards cut your binds and step back as you stand up.
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>You're taller than the queen.
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>She seems unnerved by this at first. But regains her composure and begins what you can guess is a practised royal glare.
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>"You are now my prisoner. You shall never leave these halls, alien. You or your com-- Wait, I'm sure I recognise that pony."
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>Look over a Fluttershy, who is imitating a deer caught in headlights.
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"Oh, that's Fluttershy. Element of Kindness. She's friends with Twilight Sparkle. You know her from somewhere?"
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>The queen narrows her eyes.
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>"ANON! HEEEELP!"
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>Watch with a bemused expression as Fluttershy runs around a pit as a large changeling who looks as though she was force-fed steroids chases her around.
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>Reminds you of the Rancor pit.
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>The queen - Chrysalis, chews on a popcorn bucket filled with grubs.
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>"She's got a set of legs on her."
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"Yup."
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>"ANON PLEASE!"
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>Fluttershy narrowly avoids a swipe from the changeling hulk.
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>"Why doesn't she use her wings?"
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"She's not the smartest pony in the world. You know she tries to have sex with me all the time?"
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>Chrysalis raises an eyebrow.
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>"No, really?"
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"Oh yeah."
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>"You must be flattered."
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"Actually it's a massive pain in the ass."
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>She laughs at that.
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>The hulk manages to catch Fluttershy and pins her to the floor.
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>Chrysalis finishes her grubs and sets the bucket down.
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>"Alright, I think she's had enough. You can get out now, Fluttershy."
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>Fluttershy lets out a sigh of relief as the hulk gets off her.
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>Then flies out of the pit and sits next to you, smiling sheepishly.
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"God, you're dumb."
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>"Is that your fetish?"
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>...
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>"ANON PLEASE MAKE HER STOP!"
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>Chrysalis offers you some grubs.
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>"Want one?"
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"Nah."
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>"So after we got kicked out of Canterlot, we ended up here. Took about a year to get back on our hooves."
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>The queen rubs her behind.
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>"And a whole lot of labour on my part."
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"Gross."
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>"So. You know what Shining Armour is up to nowadays?"
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>The door bursts open.
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>Milhouse is panting heavily.
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>"M-MY QUEEN! THE YELLOW ONE HAS ESCAPED!"
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>Chrysalis stands up, anger in her eyes.
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>"What?! Impossible! I left her with the hulk!"
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>Milhouse gulps.
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>"She befriended it and is now riding it around like some kind of steed!"
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>Chrysalis smirks.
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>"Kinky."
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>"My queeeeeeen!"
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>"Shut up, Milhouse."
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>She turns to you.
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>"Wait here while I sort this out."
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>Shrug and watch her go.
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>Being a prisoner here might not be so bad.
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>All you need is some paper then you can start documenting this misadventure.
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>Lie back and put your hands behind your head, resting your eyes for a moment.
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>You never got the chance before, what with being captured and all.
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>Just before you doze off, the wall next to you shatters as a black and yellow blur steam-rolls through it.
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>Fluttershy, looking like she's spent the last through years in some form of guerilla war-zone, looks down at you from her new mount.
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>"Anon! Come on! We have to get out of here!"
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"Why? I kinda like it down here. It's cosy."
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>Look down and see that you were lying in green goo.
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"Sort of."
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>Fluttershy groans.
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>"Listen, mister! Get your cute little tush up here and hold me! I'm getting us out of here whether you like it or not!"
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"But I haven't documented--"
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>"ANON GET ON THIS CHANGELING RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"
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>You get on that fucking changeling right then.
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>Cling to Warmaster Fluttershy, whose heartbeat feels like a jackhammer.
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>"Alright Miss Fuzzyboobles! Go!"
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>The changeling turns her head to look at Fluttershy.
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>"Me Susan."
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>"Oh. S-sorry..."
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>No one moves for a while.
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>You can hear shouts coming from outside.
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"You really know how to botch things up, don't ya, Shy?"
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>She whimpers.
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>Susan huffs and starts running towards the other wall.
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>She head-butts her way through it and starts running down random corridors.
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>You grip Fluttershy's waist tighter.
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>She tenses up at that.
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>Susan grunts.
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>"Flutt-shy need bathroom me thinks."
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>Fluttershy mumbles in response.
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>"N-not exactly..."
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>Duck your head down as another wall gets crushed under the walking muscle's warpath.
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>Find yourselves right in a huge cavern.
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>At one end is the mouth of the cave.
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>About a hundred changeling guards stand ready in front of it.
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>The one at the front steps forward.
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>Milhouse.
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>"STOOOOOP!"
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>Susan looks back quizzically at Fluttershy.
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>"What do?"
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>Fluttershy taps her hooves together.
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>"Umm... Ch-charge?"
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>Susan shakes her head.
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>"That stoopid. What ape think."
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"Accelerate movements in a forward direction and maintain the highest velocity you can straight through the enemy ranks and don't stop until we've cleared the exit."
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>"That smart plan. I like ape."
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>She looks back at the small army before.
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>"Susan hope to mate with you some day."
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>Shudder.
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>She grunts and takes off like a bull.
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>Several changelings scatter, but Milhouse holds his ground, holding up his hoof before him.
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>"I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!"
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>Susan doesn't slow down.
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>Before he realises his folly, he gets flattened by the hulk.
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>You turn around and give him the finger while you ride the oversized changeling into the barrens.
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>Chrysalis steps over the bodies of her guards and watches her newest friend leave her.
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>Just like all the others.
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>He didn't even get to see your rock collection.
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>The changeling at your feet coughs and stands up, his legs shaking.
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385.
>"I-I tried, my queen! But they wouldn't listen!"
-
386.
"Shut up, Milhouse."
-
387.
-
388.
>Be Twilight Sparkle.
-
389.
>Stare at the rock in the middle of the floor in the front room of the library.
-
390.
>Stick your tongue out while you concentrate on casting the spell.
-
391.
>If your calculations are correct, this spell -should- turn the rock into gold.
-
392.
>Slam your eyes shut and finish casting.
-
393.
>Open them.
-
394.
>Oh, no, that's not right.
-
395.
>A fully grown grey pony blinks. He hasn't got a cutie mark.
-
396.
>He looks around, dazed and confused.
-
397.
>"wh-where am I?"
-
398.
"Beats me. Wanna become my new test subject?"
-
399.
>"What kind of tests?"
-
400.
>Glance over at your secret chest filled with your self-written princess erotica.
-
401.
"So how do you think you'd look in a tiara?"
-
402.
>Before you can roleplay as Celestia and he as you, your front door is levelled.
-
403.
>Look over with a bewildered expression.
-
404.
>A huge changeling covered in battle armour and various wounds grunts and kneels down.
-
405.
>Anon hops off, a harpoon slung over his back and wearing what appears to be a handmade breastplate.
-
406.
>He's also missing an eye and is sporting the most marvellous beard.
-
407.
>Fluttershy takes up his side.
-
408.
>She's completely bald and is missing half her teeth.
-
409.
>Look at the calender.
-
410.
>...Oh dear.
-
411.
>Anon stomps forwards.
-
412.
>"Princess."
-
413.
>Nod slowly.
-
414.
"Anon?"
-
415.
>He glares down at you.
-
416.
"So uhh, where have you been these last... Umm... Five years...?"
-
417.
>His eyes narrow even harder.
-
418.
>"Do you have any idea where I've been and what I've been through?"
-
419.
>Take note of the dragon skull he's using as a shield.
-
420.
"Umm. I can guess?"
-
421.
>He reaches into a pouch and produces a few scrolls.
-
422.
>Take them from him and start reading.
-
423.
-
424.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
425.
>'Today I learned that not only are changelings carnivorous, but they have an intense sexual libido. I pray that the citizens of Appleoosa forgive me.'
-
426.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
427.
>'Today I learned that a dragon matriarch will fight to the death to protect her young, but also that their blood burns like acid.'
-
428.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
429.
>'Today I learned that Fluttershy does dark and terrible things to my body while I sleep. And that I should always sleep with a knife for future encounters.'
-
430.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
431.
>'Today I learned that there is a race of rat-men living under Canterlot. I decided not to report them to the overworld because they were gracious hosts.'
-
432.
>'PS, You might have to deal with a rat-man uprising.'
-
433.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
434.
>'Today I learned that my changeling mount (Susan) can fly. Not even the pegasi are safe from her wrath. RIP Wingslow Village.'
-
435.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
436.
>'Today I learned that potions bought from native Zebra tribes have regenerative properties. In relation to that, Fluttershy can no longer die. So I have no qualms stabbing her if she annoys me.'
-
437.
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
-
438.
>'Today I learned that it's been 4 years since you forsook me and Fluttershy. We're going to fucking kill you when we get back.'
-
439.
-
440.
>Look up
-
441.
>Anon's fist connects with your face and you go reeling backwards.
-
442.
>Be Fluttershy.
-
443.
>Lean on Susan's leg and watch with an unimpressed face as Anon gets on top of Twilight and starts beating the blood out of her.
-
444.
>Susan grunts.
-
445.
>Sigh and scratch a developing itch.
-
446.
>Twilight's cries reach your ears but you don't care.
-
447.
>You've seen things that no pony should see.
-
448.
>Anon finishes destroying her face and stands back up.
-
449.
>He reaches into another pouch and hurls a carton of milk at her face.
-
450.
>Then looks towards the grey pony, who was watching the whole thing amazed
-
451.
>"Hey, you. Wanna come on an adventure?"
-
452.
>"S-sure!"
-
453.
>"What's your name?"
-
454.
>"...I don't know."
-
455.
>"How does Tom sound?"
-
456.
>"Great!"
-
457.
>Anon turns around and points at you
-
458.
>"So where to now?"
-
459.
"My bedroom?"
-
460.
>He stabs you and walks out, Susan and Tom following him.
-
461.
>Fucking Anon.
-
462.
-
463.
The End.
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus