[FLUTTERRAPE] Friendship Report


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: August 2nd, 2013

                                            ---


                                            >Dump your binbag full of rubbish into the rubbish bin next to your house.

                                            >Dust your hands off and sigh, taking a moment to enjoy the heat on your face.

                                            >Equestria is warm as hell on the best of days.

                                            >Hear a distant voice on the winds.

                                            >Strain your ears to try and pick it up further.

                                            >Notice that your hands are beginning to prickle.

                                            >...

                                            "Oh no."

                                            >Fear fills you.

                                            >Spin around.

                                            >The voice on the winds is much louder now.

                                            >"Aaaaaaanoooon!"

                                            "No. Not again. NOT AGAIN!"

                                            >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

                                            >Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess and heir to nobody's throne slams into you.

                                            "I JUST WANT ONE FUCKING DAY ALONE!"

                                            >"ANON THERE'S TROUBLE AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!"

                                            "WHY?!"

                                            >She slaps you with a hoof, grips the front of your shirt with magic and violently shakes you back and forth.

                                            >"BEcAUSE THE VOICES DEMAND IT!"

                                            "I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH."


                                            >You are Anon.

                                            >Involuntary adventurer.

                                            >"Alright, Anon. Here's the deal."

                                            >You're tied to a chair in Twilight's basement.

                                            >She turns around in a high back office chair and places her elbows on the desk, bringing her hooves together.

                                            >"We need your help."

                                            "Why have you made your basement an office?"

                                            >"There's trouble brewing. And because I'm now a princess, I need you to do my dirty work for me."

                                            "Have you seriously got a plaque that says 'Da Boss'?"

                                            >"Fluttershy has told me that there's been suspicious activity near the Everfree Forest. And I'd like you to investigate."

                                            "I thought you said you needed my help. Not my eyes."

                                            >"Technically, using your eyes -would- be helping"

                                            >She grins.

                                            >You glower.

                                            "No deal. I have better things to do."

                                            >"No you don't."

                                            "And who are you to say that?"

                                            >Twilight pulls out a small brown-backed book and slides it across the desk towards you.

                                            >It's your planner.

                                            >Stare at it, slowly raising your eyes to look at Twilight.

                                            >She gives you a toothy smile and unbinds you with magic.

                                            >Tentatively open it to today's date.

                                            >Start flicking through every page, increasing the pace with each page turned.

                                            >Every single page has "HELP OUT TWILIGHT" written in red ink.

                                            >The very last page reads "Pick up milk".

                                            "DAMMIT, TWILIGHT. I DON'T EVEN DRINK MILK!"

                                            >"IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR BONES! But that's not the point. You're not too busy, and books don't lie."

                                            "How are -you- a princess?"

                                            >She sticks her tongue out.

                                            >Twilight stands up and walks over to a fireplace.

                                            >That she's inexplicably built in her basement, even though she has a perfectly good one upstairs.

                                            >She strikes a pose and gives you a questioning look.

                                            >"So. You'll do as I ask, yes?"

                                            >Realise that she's stood in front of a massive painted portrait of her stood in the exact same place striking the same pose, complete with Dreamworks smile.

                                            "Help you, investigate the forest, then what?"

                                            >"Well, if you survive, you can go home."

                                            "Sweet."

                                            >Doesn't sound so bad.

                                            "So where abouts was this strange sighting?"

                                            >"O-oh, Anon! Thank goodness you came! I was worried you might, um, not come... B-but if you still want to come, I'm ready and waiting..."

                                            >Fluttershy blushes.

                                            >Don't answer her.

                                            >"S-so what do you think?"

                                            >Don't answer her.

                                            >"Can you help me?"

                                            >Don't answer her.

                                            >"I'm worried it might hurt somep0ny..."

                                            >The massive black and green vortex hovering slightly above ground uproots a nearby tree and drags in into the swirling abyss.

                                            >"It looks sort of dangerous."

                                            >The pebbles near your feet begin shuffling towards the void.

                                            "This uh..."

                                            >A rabbit gets sucked in.

                                            "This might be out of my area of expertise."

                                            >A loud purple bang scares the shit out of you.

                                            >"Ah! Anon. There you are"

                                            "What the fuck, Twilight?!"

                                            >"I know! I was rooting through your drawers and found this!"

                                            >She holds up a long dead mobile phone that came with you.

                                            >"Is it some kind of human pleasure device?"

                                            "TWILIGHT."

                                            >Point at what you're now sure is some kind of black hole.

                                            "WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THIS?"

                                            >She scrunches her face up and scrutinises the vortex, ignoring an otter that nearly hits her head as it flies past and into it.

                                            >Just then a lightbulb appears over her head.

                                            >That gets dragged in as well.

                                            >"Ah ha! So -that's- where I put it!"

                                            "You... MADE this?"

                                            >"Of course! I was trying to make soup."

                                            >She laughs.

                                            >"Pretty crazy, huh?"

                                            "Twilight are you insane?"

                                            >She grabs your face with magic and drags you down so that your nose is touching hers.

                                            >"LOOK INTO MY EYES, ANON. GAZE INTO MY EYES JUST AS I GAZED INTO THE HEART OF MADNESS AND EMBRACED INSANITY. GONE IS THE MARE YOU ONCE KNEW. THERE IS ONLY ENTROPY IN HER PLACE."

                                            "Being a princess must really suck"

                                            >"I'm amazed I haven't killed myself yet!"

                                            >She laughs again.

                                            >"Oooh... I'm hilarious. I should write that one down!"

                                            >And she does.

                                            >The paper and quill then get wrenched from her grasp and into the vortex.

                                            >"Woah! When did that portal to Changeling territory get there?!"

                                            "What."

                                            >She strolls over to the vortex, seemingly unphased by the sheer gravitational pull its emitting, and starts prodding it with a stick.

                                            >When the stick gets pulled in and disappears, Twilight gasps.

                                            >"Fascinating!"

                                            >She returns to your side.

                                            >"Okay, Anon! I have a job for you!"

                                            "Don't say it."

                                            >"I want you."

                                            "DON'T."

                                            >"To jump into the portal. And return to me your findings."

                                            "...WHY."

                                            >"I dunno. For kicks!"

                                            >She picks you up with magic and hurls you into the void.

                                            >Unspeakable images flash before your eyes as you traverse the planes between this world and the next.

                                            >This must be why vortex travel is actually illegal in Equestria.

                                            >When you emerge from the other side, you land on an uprooted tree, a quill, some paper, and two dead furry animals, as well as a shit load of soil and grass.

                                            >Blink a few times to make sure you're not actually dead.

                                            >A sudden blow to the head confirms your lack of mortality.

                                            >Clutch your head and groan.

                                            >Rub it and see what hit you.

                                            >Fluttershy is wrapped around the tree.

                                            "Whaa..."

                                            >Look up at the vortex.

                                            >Twilight's head pokes out.

                                            >"HELLO AGAIN! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

                                            "Yes..."

                                            >"GOOD! IT'S QUITE LOUD IN HERE!"

                                            >Another bout of laughter.

                                            >"LISTEN! THIS IS YOUR MISSION. TO INVESTIGATE THE CHANGELINGS! THEN WRITE A FRIENDSHIP REPORT! THEN I WON'T WRITE BACK FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND LEAVE YOU IN THE DARK!"

                                            >Her eye twitches violently.

                                            >"JUST LIKE WHEN CELESTIA WAS MY MENTOR! NOW I'M JUST LIKE HER! SEE! I CAN BE A PRINCESS TOO! I CAN ORDER PEOPLE ABOUT!"

                                            >She explodes into laughter.

                                            >"OKAY! I'M GONNA GO NOW! BYE ANON! GOOD LUCK!"

                                            "WHY THE FUCK IS FLUTTERSHY HERE?"

                                            >"SHE JUMPED IN AFTER YOU IN AN ACT OF UNWAVERING LOVE AND CONCERN FOR YOUR WELLBEING!"

                                            "Really?"

                                            >"NO! I THREW HER IN!"

                                            >The princess guffaws a final time before charging up her horn.

                                            >"CHEERIO!"

                                            >And with that, the vortex sucks itself inwards, leaving the air where it was still again.

                                            >Sit on the fallen tree, your head resting on the palm of your hand, a bored look on your face.

                                            >All around you is absolutely nothing.

                                            >Wasteland as far as you can see.

                                            >Sigh and slide off the tree.

                                            >Walk around and poke Fluttershy's face.

                                            "Get up. Your idiot friend has stranded us."

                                            >She groans.

                                            >"B-but we haven't seen Rainbow Dash all day..."

                                            "Your other idiot friend, moron."

                                            >"Applejack?"

                                            >Pinch the bridge of your nose.

                                            "Right. Fuck this."

                                            >Start walking in a random direction.

                                            >A scroll materialises before your very eyes.

                                            >Grasp it before it can fall to the floor.

                                            >Unfurl it.

                                            >'Wrong way.'

                                            "Seriously?"

                                            >Raise your fists to the heavens

                                            "GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE, YOU BELLEND!"

                                            >Another scroll appears in a sunbeam, accompanied by what you swear is the singing of angels.

                                            >Grab and open it.

                                            >'No.'

                                            >Crush it in your grip and grind your teeth together.

                                            >Start stomping in the other direction, past a now fully awake Fluttershy, who is sat on the log watching you storm around.

                                            >"Can I help?"

                                            "NO."

                                            >"Want a back rub?"

                                            "NO!"

                                            >"Okay..."

                                            >Fluttershy starts flying after you.

                                            >"C-can't we just wait for help?"

                                            "What help is going to find us out here, Fluttershy?"

                                            >"Twilight might save us..."

                                            "And why, pray tell, would she do that?"

                                            >"She might have had a change of heart and realise that she cares about our safety?"

                                            >A scroll lands in her mane, already unfurled.

                                            >'HA!'

                                            "No, something tells me that Twilight went off in the deep end long ago."

                                            >"But why?"

                                            "Being a princess must not have worked out for her. Must have broken her mind with stress or whatever."

                                            >"Would you like to be a princess, Anon?"

                                            "Hell no. Princesses are gay."

                                            >"I'd like to be a princess..."

                                            >Stop .

                                            >Turn to her, a deadpan look on your face.

                                            "Why."

                                            >She blushes.

                                            >"Well... Every princess needs a prince..."

                                            >She hides behind her mane and bites her lip.

                                            "Of all the ponies to be stuck with..."

                                            >"Sorry, Anon..."

                                            >She's quiet for a moment.

                                            >"...But I think you'd make a really good prince..."

                                            "Unbelievable. I'm going to leave now, Fluttershy."

                                            >With that, you stroll off towards an imposing looking plateau.

                                            >"W-wait! Don't leave me alone!"

                                            >She latches onto your back as you walk.

                                            >"You smell nice, Anon."

                                            "Thanks. I guess."

                                            >You lumber on, the heat steadily wearing away at your energy, assisted by the pony on your back.

                                            >Luckily, the sun is creeping behind the plateau ahead, basking you in it's shade.

                                            >Feel much better as the cooler air washes over you.

                                            >Decide to take a break next to a rock, prying Fluttershy off your back and placing her on the ground.

                                            >Slump against the rock and close your eyes.

                                            >Fluttershy prods your leg.

                                            >"Anon?"

                                            "Not now, Fluttershy... I just want to rest for a moment."

                                            >Enjoy a brief moment of respite before she pokes your leg again.

                                            >"Anon? Are you thinking about me?"

                                            >Reply without opening your eyes.

                                            "Oh god you're so bad at social situations..."

                                            >"I-I know..."

                                            >...

                                            >She pokes your leg.

                                            >"Anon?"

                                            "What."

                                            >"C-can you open your eyes?"

                                            "No."

                                            >"Please?"

                                            >Ugh

                                            "Fine."

                                            >Open them.

                                            "What do y- Oh fuck my ass."

                                            >Fluttershy, you, and the rock, are surrounded by changelings.

                                            >They don't look very happy.

                                            "In retrospect, I should have expected this."

                                            >You and Fluttershy are currently suspended from a large wooden pole. Bound and upside down similar to how a cannibal tribe would carry their latest catch.

                                            "Well this sucks."

                                            >"SILENCE, WHELP!"

                                            >The largest and most armoured changeling, who you assume is the captain, is leading the pack deeper into the plateau.

                                            >Which strangely enough happens to be a fortress containing an entire changeling hive.

                                            >You can tell because the walls are crawling with changelings, each coming out of holes in the walls and roof.

                                            >Watch as they check up on the sickly green sacks dotted around everywhere before scuttling back into their holes.

                                            >A couple of them stop to watch you and Fluttershy.

                                            >Enter a large cavern at what you guess is the heart of this bastion.

                                            >At the centre of the room, surrounded by green sacks and perched on a hastily assembled rocky throne, is a single huge changeling.

                                            >You are carried over to her and set at her feet.

                                            >Look up at her front your new position on the floor.

                                            "Damn, you're ugly."

                                            >The captain stamps on your face.

                                            >It hurts like a bitch.

                                            >You should have been drinking your milk.

                                            >The bigger changeling leans down and insects your face.

                                            >Insects? Inspects? Get it?

                                            >Damn, you're funny.

                                            >She grins at you, revealing large fangs and a malicious intent.

                                            >"Well well well. What do we have here? Some kind of exotic mercenary sent by Celestia to destroy me?"

                                            "Not even close."

                                            >"Then what? Speak quickly and don't waste my time."

                                            "Aight. I'm an alien being sent here by a lunatic princess obsessed with acting more like her teacher whilst being completely unaware of the misery she causes others, she sent me and my companion here--"

                                            >Nod at Fluttershy, who is pissing herself in fear.

                                            "--To learn about changelings and friendship."

                                            >The big bug blinks slowly.

                                            >"Very, uhh, well."

                                            >She straightens up.

                                            >"Release them."

                                            >The captain blurts out a response.

                                            >"M-my queen! They might escape!"

                                            >The queen rolls her eyes.

                                            >"Oh shut it, Milhouse, they aren't going anywhere."

                                            >Milhouse looks at his hooves.

                                            >"...Okay..."

                                            >The other guards cut your binds and step back as you stand up.

                                            >You're taller than the queen.

                                            >She seems unnerved by this at first. But regains her composure and begins what you can guess is a practised royal glare.

                                            >"You are now my prisoner. You shall never leave these halls, alien. You or your com-- Wait, I'm sure I recognise that pony."

                                            >Look over a Fluttershy, who is imitating a deer caught in headlights.

                                            "Oh, that's Fluttershy. Element of Kindness. She's friends with Twilight Sparkle. You know her from somewhere?"

                                            >The queen narrows her eyes.


                                            >"ANON! HEEEELP!"

                                            >Watch with a bemused expression as Fluttershy runs around a pit as a large changeling who looks as though she was force-fed steroids chases her around.

                                            >Reminds you of the Rancor pit.

                                            >The queen - Chrysalis, chews on a popcorn bucket filled with grubs.

                                            >"She's got a set of legs on her."

                                            "Yup."

                                            >"ANON PLEASE!"

                                            >Fluttershy narrowly avoids a swipe from the changeling hulk.

                                            >"Why doesn't she use her wings?"

                                            "She's not the smartest pony in the world. You know she tries to have sex with me all the time?"

                                            >Chrysalis raises an eyebrow.

                                            >"No, really?"

                                            "Oh yeah."

                                            >"You must be flattered."

                                            "Actually it's a massive pain in the ass."

                                            >She laughs at that.

                                            >The hulk manages to catch Fluttershy and pins her to the floor.

                                            >Chrysalis finishes her grubs and sets the bucket down.

                                            >"Alright, I think she's had enough. You can get out now, Fluttershy."

                                            >Fluttershy lets out a sigh of relief as the hulk gets off her.

                                            >Then flies out of the pit and sits next to you, smiling sheepishly.

                                            "God, you're dumb."

                                            >"Is that your fetish?"

                                            >...


                                            >"ANON PLEASE MAKE HER STOP!"

                                            >Chrysalis offers you some grubs.

                                            >"Want one?"

                                            "Nah."

                                            >"So after we got kicked out of Canterlot, we ended up here. Took about a year to get back on our hooves."

                                            >The queen rubs her behind.

                                            >"And a whole lot of labour on my part."

                                            "Gross."

                                            >"So. You know what Shining Armour is up to nowadays?"

                                            >The door bursts open.

                                            >Milhouse is panting heavily.

                                            >"M-MY QUEEN! THE YELLOW ONE HAS ESCAPED!"

                                            >Chrysalis stands up, anger in her eyes.

                                            >"What?! Impossible! I left her with the hulk!"

                                            >Milhouse gulps.

                                            >"She befriended it and is now riding it around like some kind of steed!"

                                            >Chrysalis smirks.

                                            >"Kinky."

                                            >"My queeeeeeen!"

                                            >"Shut up, Milhouse."

                                            >She turns to you.

                                            >"Wait here while I sort this out."

                                            >Shrug and watch her go.

                                            >Being a prisoner here might not be so bad.

                                            >All you need is some paper then you can start documenting this misadventure.

                                            >Lie back and put your hands behind your head, resting your eyes for a moment.

                                            >You never got the chance before, what with being captured and all.

                                            >Just before you doze off, the wall next to you shatters as a black and yellow blur steam-rolls through it.

                                            >Fluttershy, looking like she's spent the last through years in some form of guerilla war-zone, looks down at you from her new mount.

                                            >"Anon! Come on! We have to get out of here!"

                                            "Why? I kinda like it down here. It's cosy."

                                            >Look down and see that you were lying in green goo.

                                            "Sort of."

                                            >Fluttershy groans.

                                            >"Listen, mister! Get your cute little tush up here and hold me! I'm getting us out of here whether you like it or not!"

                                            "But I haven't documented--"

                                            >"ANON GET ON THIS CHANGELING RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"

                                            >You get on that fucking changeling right then.

                                            >Cling to Warmaster Fluttershy, whose heartbeat feels like a jackhammer.

                                            >"Alright Miss Fuzzyboobles! Go!"

                                            >The changeling turns her head to look at Fluttershy.

                                            >"Me Susan."

                                            >"Oh. S-sorry..."

                                            >No one moves for a while.

                                            >You can hear shouts coming from outside.

                                            "You really know how to botch things up, don't ya, Shy?"

                                            >She whimpers.

                                            >Susan huffs and starts running towards the other wall.

                                            >She head-butts her way through it and starts running down random corridors.

                                            >You grip Fluttershy's waist tighter.

                                            >She tenses up at that.

                                            >Susan grunts.

                                            >"Flutt-shy need bathroom me thinks."

                                            >Fluttershy mumbles in response.

                                            >"N-not exactly..."

                                            >Duck your head down as another wall gets crushed under the walking muscle's warpath.

                                            >Find yourselves right in a huge cavern.

                                            >At one end is the mouth of the cave.

                                            >About a hundred changeling guards stand ready in front of it.

                                            >The one at the front steps forward.

                                            >Milhouse.

                                            >"STOOOOOP!"

                                            >Susan looks back quizzically at Fluttershy.

                                            >"What do?"

                                            >Fluttershy taps her hooves together.

                                            >"Umm... Ch-charge?"

                                            >Susan shakes her head.

                                            >"That stoopid. What ape think."

                                            "Accelerate movements in a forward direction and maintain the highest velocity you can straight through the enemy ranks and don't stop until we've cleared the exit."

                                            >"That smart plan. I like ape."

                                            >She looks back at the small army before.

                                            >"Susan hope to mate with you some day."

                                            >Shudder.

                                            >She grunts and takes off like a bull.

                                            >Several changelings scatter, but Milhouse holds his ground, holding up his hoof before him.

                                            >"I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!"

                                            >Susan doesn't slow down.

                                            >Before he realises his folly, he gets flattened by the hulk.

                                            >You turn around and give him the finger while you ride the oversized changeling into the barrens.

                                            >Chrysalis steps over the bodies of her guards and watches her newest friend leave her.

                                            >Just like all the others.

                                            >He didn't even get to see your rock collection.

                                            >The changeling at your feet coughs and stands up, his legs shaking.

                                            >"I-I tried, my queen! But they wouldn't listen!"

                                            "Shut up, Milhouse."


                                            >Be Twilight Sparkle.

                                            >Stare at the rock in the middle of the floor in the front room of the library.

                                            >Stick your tongue out while you concentrate on casting the spell.

                                            >If your calculations are correct, this spell -should- turn the rock into gold.

                                            >Slam your eyes shut and finish casting.

                                            >Open them.

                                            >Oh, no, that's not right.

                                            >A fully grown grey pony blinks. He hasn't got a cutie mark.

                                            >He looks around, dazed and confused.

                                            >"wh-where am I?"

                                            "Beats me. Wanna become my new test subject?"

                                            >"What kind of tests?"

                                            >Glance over at your secret chest filled with your self-written princess erotica.

                                            "So how do you think you'd look in a tiara?"

                                            >Before you can roleplay as Celestia and he as you, your front door is levelled.

                                            >Look over with a bewildered expression.

                                            >A huge changeling covered in battle armour and various wounds grunts and kneels down.

                                            >Anon hops off, a harpoon slung over his back and wearing what appears to be a handmade breastplate.

                                            >He's also missing an eye and is sporting the most marvellous beard.

                                            >Fluttershy takes up his side.

                                            >She's completely bald and is missing half her teeth.

                                            >Look at the calender.

                                            >...Oh dear.

                                            >Anon stomps forwards.

                                            >"Princess."

                                            >Nod slowly.

                                            "Anon?"

                                            >He glares down at you.

                                            "So uhh, where have you been these last... Umm... Five years...?"

                                            >His eyes narrow even harder.

                                            >"Do you have any idea where I've been and what I've been through?"

                                            >Take note of the dragon skull he's using as a shield.

                                            "Umm. I can guess?"

                                            >He reaches into a pouch and produces a few scrolls.

                                            >Take them from him and start reading.


                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that not only are changelings carnivorous, but they have an intense sexual libido. I pray that the citizens of Appleoosa forgive me.'

                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that a dragon matriarch will fight to the death to protect her young, but also that their blood burns like acid.'

                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that Fluttershy does dark and terrible things to my body while I sleep. And that I should always sleep with a knife for future encounters.'

                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that there is a race of rat-men living under Canterlot. I decided not to report them to the overworld because they were gracious hosts.'

                                            >'PS, You might have to deal with a rat-man uprising.'

                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that my changeling mount (Susan) can fly. Not even the pegasi are safe from her wrath. RIP Wingslow Village.'

                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that potions bought from native Zebra tribes have regenerative properties. In relation to that, Fluttershy can no longer die. So I have no qualms stabbing her if she annoys me.'

                                            >'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'

                                            >'Today I learned that it's been 4 years since you forsook me and Fluttershy. We're going to fucking kill you when we get back.'


                                            >Look up

                                            >Anon's fist connects with your face and you go reeling backwards.

                                            >Be Fluttershy.

                                            >Lean on Susan's leg and watch with an unimpressed face as Anon gets on top of Twilight and starts beating the blood out of her.

                                            >Susan grunts.

                                            >Sigh and scratch a developing itch.

                                            >Twilight's cries reach your ears but you don't care.

                                            >You've seen things that no pony should see.

                                            >Anon finishes destroying her face and stands back up.

                                            >He reaches into another pouch and hurls a carton of milk at her face.

                                            >Then looks towards the grey pony, who was watching the whole thing amazed

                                            >"Hey, you. Wanna come on an adventure?"

                                            >"S-sure!"

                                            >"What's your name?"

                                            >"...I don't know."

                                            >"How does Tom sound?"

                                            >"Great!"

                                            >Anon turns around and points at you

                                            >"So where to now?"

                                            "My bedroom?"

                                            >He stabs you and walks out, Susan and Tom following him.

                                            >Fucking Anon.


                                            The End.