[FLUTTERRAPE] Crissmass


                                            Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 1st, 2015

                                            ---


                                            >"Criss-what?"

                                            "Christmas, he called it."

                                            >Rainbow Dash frowns.

                                            >"What's that?"

                                            "Umm, I think he said it was something like Hearth's Warming Eve, you give presents and spread good cheer."

                                            >"Pshh, so why not just call it Hearth's Warming Eve?"

                                            >Shrug, then shiver.

                                            >The field you're both lounging around in is terribly cold.

                                            "Not sure, he said it was something to do with a human called Christ."

                                            >"What was so special about him?"

                                            "He had a lot of wood, and got nailed a lot."

                                            >Rainbow Dash's ears prick up and she grins.

                                            >"He sounds like my kind of human!"

                                            >You bite your lip and imagine humans getting nailed.

                                            "Y-yeah, it sounds wonderful..."

                                            >Shake your head.

                                            "Anyway, we need to think of a way to use this!"

                                            >Rainbow Dash lazily plays around with a bit of cloud.

                                            >Some snow falls out of it as she does so.

                                            >"I dunno, 'Shy. Anon seems pretty uptight. I mean, I wanna bang him as much as the next mare but don't you think he'd catch onto us if we used this Crissmuss thingy on him?"

                                            "Oh no, he said humans -love- this holiday! He said it's the only time of the year people stopped being mean to each other! A holiday full of so much love... We -have- to use this! It's perfect!"

                                            >Rainbow shrugs.

                                            >"Alright, if you insist. But how do we do it?"

                                            "W-well, umm, I'm not sure... I guess we could try and get more information out of him so we could create a plan?"

                                            >Your friend nods.

                                            >"Sounds good to me! Hold this--"

                                            >She tosses you the chunk of snow-cloud she was fiddling with and tears away across the snow-capped fields.


                                            >Sip your coffee and stare at the winter wonderland outside your kitchen window.

                                            "Man, today is gonna be great."

                                            >A blue pony with a rainbow mane slams into the side of your house and waves at you as she slides down the wall.

                                            >Nonchalantly drink some more coffee.

                                            "Man, today is gonna suck."

                                            >The pony peels herself off the brickwork and rushes to your front door.

                                            >Go to open it.

                                            >When you do so, a cold breeze whips up your dressing gown around you.

                                            >Rainbow Dash gets a nosebleed.

                                            >"H-hey! Uhh, so Chessmass. Pretty crazy, right?"

                                            "Yeah, it is."

                                            >Raise an eyebrow.

                                            "Why do you care?"

                                            >Dash leans against a nearby plant-pot and tries to look cool.

                                            >But the plant-pot was actually just snow weirdly shaped exactly like a bush.

                                            >The pile of snow with a rainbow tail now sticking out of it casually looks up at you.

                                            >"Eh, you know, just curious. So what do you do on the day?"

                                            >Shrug.

                                            "Eat food, exchange gifts, love your family. Literally the exact same holiday as Hearth's Warming Eve, but without the religious parts."

                                            >An ominous wind howls in the distance as you mention 'religion'.

                                            >Dysphoria fills you.

                                            >Rainsnow Dash nods.

                                            >"Cool, cool, but are there any -special- parts? Do you wear any kooky outfits or whatever?"

                                            "Sometimes. Usually just gaudy sweaters."

                                            >Sip your tea.

                                            >Wonder when your coffee turned into tea.

                                            >Drink some more tea.

                                            "Oh, and also girls usually dress sluttily and try to make out with people under mistletoe. It's gross."

                                            >The snowpony sprouts wings.

                                            >"BINGO!"

                                            >It explodes and a rainbow streak bolts away from you.

                                            >Watch it disappear into the distance.

                                            >Look down at your cup.

                                            >It's filled with eggnog.

                                            >Frown.


                                            "Slutty outfits?"

                                            >"Totally! -And- they make out with guys under mistletoe! Fluttershy this is PERFECT!"

                                            >You cinge at her shouting, but your heart starts hammering in your chest anyway.

                                            "Oh my goodness... We might have a shot at this! Oh-- Did he say what kind of slutty outfits?"

                                            >"I dunno, let's see what you have."

                                            >You both head inside your cottage and upstairs to your room.

                                            >Leading your friend towards your cupboard, you push the sliding door to one side.

                                            "Umm, okay, so which do you think?"

                                            >...

                                            "Rainbow Dash?"

                                            >"Why is there a giant lizard outfit there...?"

                                            "Oh, that's for Spike."

                                            >Rainbow Dash gives you a strange look.

                                            >Blush and hurriedly move along.

                                            "What about a nurse?"

                                            >"I swear you choose every excuse to dress up in that thing."

                                            "I like being a nurse..."

                                            >Rainbow Dash pushes past you and starts roughly searching through your clothes.

                                            >"No. No. No. Eww... No. No. No. N-- wait..."

                                            >...

                                            >"...No."

                                            >She pauses.

                                            >"Ohhh, what about this one?"

                                            >She pulls out a cute little red outfit with white fluffy hems and a hat to go with it.

                                            >You frown.

                                            "Not very festive though, is it?"

                                            >Rainbow gives it another look.

                                            >"Yeah, I guess you're right."

                                            >She puts it back on the rack and keeps sifting through.

                                            >"Wait. Fluttershy. This. THIS."

                                            >The mare squeals and shows you what she found.

                                            >You blush deeply at the sight of it.

                                            "B-But Rainbow! That's... L-lewd!"

                                            >She grins devilishly.

                                            >"Isn't that the point?"

                                            >You chew your bottom lip.

                                            >Then think of Anon rutting you while you wear what Rainbow's holding.

                                            >That seals the deal.

                                            "Alright, let's do it!"

                                            >Rainbow Dash hoof-pumps the air and lets out a "Yes!"

                                            >You root through the cupboard some more.

                                            "I should have another outfit just like that..."

                                            >"Why would you have two?"

                                            "I'm afraid of losing the outfit then needing it while it's gone, so I always keep replacements."

                                            >"That's... An oddly specific fear, Fluttershy."

                                            >You give her a weak smile and let out a soft "yay" as you find the replacement.

                                            >Rainbow Dash looks over her outfit.

                                            >"Fluttershy. I think this plan is gonna rock Anon's world. And then his bed."


                                            >Hear a knock on your door.

                                            >Put down your copy of ' Mares with crossbows weekly ' and lumber over to the door.

                                            >A hot mug of something is already in your hand by the time you reach it.

                                            >Looking down, it appears to be hot orange juice.

                                            >Eh, good enough.

                                            >Sip it and open the door.

                                            >...

                                            "Now that's just silly."

                                            >Two mares dressed as abominable snowponies peer up at you.

                                            >"R-rawr! We're here to kiss you under the mistletoe!"

                                            >The other one perks up.

                                            >"Yeah! We're gonna fuck you real good!"

                                            >Stare at them for a second.

                                            >Then close the door.

                                            "Alright. That just happened."

                                            >They knock again.

                                            "What do you want?"

                                            >"Can we come in?"

                                            "No. You want to sexually molest me."

                                            >"Don't be stupid, Anon, why would we do that?"

                                            "Good point."

                                            >Open the door and let them in.

                                            >As soon as the door is shut you lock it and smile at them.

                                            "Okay, now what?"

                                            >"Now we're gonna sexually molest you."

                                            "Shit."

                                            >Hurl your mug of bleach at one of the snowponies.

                                            >She screams and falls backwards.

                                            >"N-NO! THE FABRIC! IT'S RUINED!"

                                            >Her comrade winces at her outburst and picks her up.

                                            >"Come -on- Fluttershy! We can still do this!"

                                            >As you run away, you are shocked at the odds of there being two Fluttershys in Ponyville.

                                            >Must be a common name.

                                            >Bail out the back door and into the snow.

                                            >Bail back into the back door and away from the snow.

                                            "Fuck it's cold out there."

                                            >Worst of all, you're not wearing slippers.

                                            >And you can't be bothered changing clothes.

                                            >And the two mysterious ponies dressed as monsters that are trying to rape you also pose a problem.

                                            >The question is how to stop them from doing so.

                                            >You think on this as you ascend the stairs.

                                            >One of the ponies is consoling her friend, who is wailing about the affects of bleach on fabric.

                                            >Even though she was stark white and the bleach won't have done much.

                                            >Then again, you don't know much about clothes.

                                            >Rarity does, though.

                                            >Wait.

                                            >Rarity?

                                            >Rarity must be one of the snowponies!

                                            >Son of a bitch, you knew this would occur sooner or later.

                                            >Mother always said it would be fuzzy white ponies that would be your end.

                                            >You thought it was a metaphor for cocaine.

                                            >Shows how much of a dumbass you are.

                                            >From the sounds of it, the ponies have recovered from their emotional trauma and are now looking for you.

                                            >Thankfully, you're hidden in a remarkable hiding spot.

                                            >"Where is he?"

                                            >"N-not sure... Hey, has he always had that lamp?"

                                            >"Huh, don't think so. Never seen it here before."

                                            >One of them giggles.

                                            >"Heh... Kinda looks like him a bit, doesn't it?"

                                            >They both laugh.

                                            >"Yeah, it does... Come on, let's keep looking. Anon? Aaaaanoooon!"

                                            >You breathe a sigh of relief from beneath the lamp-shade you're wearing on your head.

                                            >Ponies aren't too bright.

                                            >But you are.

                                            >Because you're a lamp.

                                            >HA.

                                            >Smirking at your hilarious joke, you creep towards the basement.

                                            >Slipping through the door you swiftly descend the steps and pull the little bit of string to bring some lights on.

                                            >Gotta be something down here that can help you.

                                            >You puzzle over your large collection of knives, axes, and other medieval weaponry before deciding on an inflatable mallet you got with Pinkie Pie at a fair.

                                            >...

                                            >One of the ponies was comforting the other after the bleach...

                                            >Only one other pony is so selfless, good natured, and full of loving kindness.

                                            >Pinkie Pie.

                                            >Pinkie Pie and Rarity have joined forces to fondle your fiddle.

                                            >These are the darkest times.

                                            >Grimacing, you pluck your mallet off the wall and look around for something else.

                                            >You find a bag of baubles you haven't used to decorate with yet.

                                            >If you throw these at the hooves of your pursuers, they'll trip over them and fall down!

                                            >Chuckling, you take them with you.

                                            >Armed with a plastic hammer and some glass balls, you return upstairs.

                                            >Peek out of the door before you enter the hallway.

                                            >The ponies are nowhere to be seen.

                                            >Glancing, you see the backdoor again.

                                            >And your outdoor boots lying on the mat next to it.

                                            >How you didn't see them before escapes you, but you subtly slide over to them and pull them on.

                                            >Hoofsteps upstairs alert you.

                                            >Straining your ears, you can hear voices.

                                            >"Anything?"

                                            >"N-no, he's not in here either! Where -is- he?"

                                            >"Is he a spy or something? I've never met anyone so stealthy!"

                                            >"Well maybe he's downstairs again..."

                                            >"Maybe."

                                            >They move out of what you think was your bedroom and towards the stairs.

                                            >You need to find a place to hide.

                                            >But where?

                                            >So caught up are you in your decision making that by the time you settle on 'just go to the basement again', there are two abominable ponies stood before you.

                                            >One of them grins.

                                            >"Hi."

                                            "Stop."

                                            >She cocks her head.

                                            "Mallet moment."

                                            >Slap her with the inflatable mallet.

                                            >She reels backwards, letting out a squawk and crashing to the floor, bouncing several times and cracking the floorboards each time she does so.

                                            >Ignoring the physics of that, you turn to the other snowpony and hurl a handful of baubles at her hooves.

                                            >They bounce off the floor and hit her in the face.

                                            >She starts crying and clutches onto your leg.

                                            >Try to shake her off.

                                            >She just cries harder.

                                            >Sigh and attempt to remove her.

                                            >She seems to cling on harder the more you pull.

                                            >Like a suction cup made of hurt feelings.

                                            >By now, the other snowman has recovered from her mallet-induced minor concussion and has lurched over to you.

                                            >She grabs your other leg and refuses to let go.

                                            >Stare at the ponies holding your legs.

                                            >You can't easily move them.

                                            >This is it.

                                            >This is your life now.

                                            >Groan and take a single step towards the back door.

                                            >You can still make it.

                                            >This can all be over.

                                            >You're still not even sure what -this- is, so far you've hit Rarity and Pinkie Pie with mallets and baubles and made them cry.

                                            >Hell of a morning.

                                            >You wish Rainbow Dash was here to help you.

                                            >The pony that was crying stops for a moment to warble at you in an incoherent and indecipherable language.

                                            >"A-aww we wadded wuz t-to k-kissuu!"

                                            "What."

                                            >She clears her throat.

                                            >"A-all we wanted was to kiss you!"

                                            "Gross."

                                            >You reach the back door and step out into the snow.

                                            >The two ponies try to stay latched onto your legs, but the cool touch of mother nature causes them to shiver and drop off.

                                            >You look down at them with contempt.

                                            "That's what you get for... Well I can't actually remember why you're here or why this even happened, but that's what you get!"

                                            >One of the snowponies gives you doe-eyes.

                                            >"So this... This wasn't your fetish?"

                                            "Hell naw. To be honest, I'm very disappointed in you, Rarity and you too, Pinkie."

                                            >The two ponies look at each other, confused.

                                            "What you thought I didn't know? Thought I would be tricked by your act? I caught on the moment I threw bleach at you."

                                            >"Umm--"

                                            "Face it, Rarity and or Pinkie, I'm too smart for you."

                                            >Tap the side of your skull.

                                            "Human intelligence, bitch."

                                            >Turn to walk back inside.

                                            >Crush your nose against the closed door.

                                            >Mutter an apology to it and hurry inside.

                                            >Lock it for good measure.

                                            >Mission accomplished.


                                            >Stare at the back door to Anon's house.

                                            >Rainbow Dash is just as bewildered as you.

                                            >"Uh, was Anon always so... dim?"

                                            "Yeah... I was sort of betting on him being tricked into fucking us."

                                            >"Think I came on too strongly?"

                                            "Just a little bit."

                                            >"Eh, we can always try again later. It isn't Hearths Warming Eve yet!"

                                            >Smile at her.

                                            "You're right! We'll get him, and he'll be sure to love us as soon as we figure out what exactly he wants from us!"

                                            >You pick yourself up and walk away through the snow.

                                            >Rainbow Dash follows, hovering alongside you.

                                            >"Hey, I just got an idea!"

                                            "Oh?"

                                            >"What if we did carols?"

                                            "I'm not sure they have carols at Christmas."

                                            >"Pffft, why wouldn't they? He said our two holidays were pretty much the same so we should totally go over there and carol!"

                                            "But... How will he find that sexy?"

                                            >Rainbow furrows her brow.

                                            >"Darn it... Well what do you think we should do?"

                                            "How about we just break in at night and tie him to his bed?"

                                            >Rainbow Dash stops and turns to you.

                                            >You both give each other a look.

                                            >Rainbow taps her chin slowly.

                                            >...

                                            >"...Yes."


                                            >"Can you see anything?"

                                            "No, it's really dark!"

                                            >"Keep searching!"

                                            >Rainbow Dash picks up a small stone and frowns.

                                            >"His key is always around here somewhere..."

                                            "What if he got cautious and took it in with him?"

                                            >You gasp.

                                            "W-what if he's wearing it around his neck while he sleeps and we have to carefully take it off him without waking him up?!"

                                            >Rainbow scratches her head.

                                            >"Wouldn't we have to like, be inside for that?"

                                            "..."

                                            >Rainbow Dash eventually finds Anon's front door key.

                                            >Sellotaped to his front door.

                                            >In a moment, you're both inside.

                                            >Carefully wipe your hooves on his welcome mat.

                                            >Dash gives you a deadpan look.

                                            "I-It's polite..."

                                            >"We're about to rape him, Fluttershy."

                                            "I prefer 'struggle snuggle'."

                                            >"You prefer anything involving something cutesy."

                                            >Grumble under your breath and walk upstairs to Anon's bedroom.

                                            >Peeking through a crack in his door, you motion for Dash to follow you in.

                                            >Both of you stare down at the sleeping form of Anonymous.

                                            >He stirs in his sleep.

                                            >"Mmph... Not the soup..."

                                            >You suppress the urge to jump on him and make him yours right then and there.

                                            >Rainbow Dash puts some rope in your hooves and you both set about tying him down.

                                            >Lean over him to tie a knot.

                                            >For a brief moment, you're enraptured by how beautiful his eyes are...

                                            >...

                                            "Uh oh."

                                            >Anon stares up at you in the dark, leant over him with rope and breathing heavily.

                                            >"Fluttershy."

                                            "H-Hi?"

                                            >"What are you doing?"

                                            >You panic and look at Rainbow Dash.

                                            >"We're Jesus!"

                                            >You and Anon both give Dash incredulous looks.

                                            >To her credit, Dash sticks to the story.

                                            >"It's true! I'm Jesus and this is my partner, Chess!"

                                            "Christ."

                                            >"Cress!"

                                            >Anon looks between the two of you and folds his arms.

                                            >"Hand on, Jesus wasn't blue or yellow."

                                            >You purse your lips.

                                            "Oh but I, I mean we, are! The boggle just left that out!"

                                            >Anon raises an eyebrow.

                                            >"Yeah? Well in the boggle you also die, so nice try."

                                            "I umm, didn't?"

                                            >"What."

                                            "The book lied."

                                            >At this point you're just saying whatever comes into your head in hopes that it sticks.

                                            >Rainbow Dash carries on for you.

                                            >"Come on, Anon, who are you going to believe, Jesus and Chips, or some dusty old book?"

                                            >Anon scratches his chin in thought.

                                            >"Well it -is- pretty dusty... Alright, I'll buy it."

                                            >You and Rainbow cheer.

                                            >...

                                            "Uh, could you excuse us for one moment?"

                                            >"Aight."

                                            >Drag Rainbow Dash outside into the hallway.

                                            "Okay, two things, the first is that Anon is... Um, really stupid."

                                            >"Yu huh."

                                            "The second is, what do we do now? Jesus was a really important figure to Anon!"

                                            >"We'll just make it up! We have him eating out of our hooves!"

                                            >You nod shakily and follow Dash back in.

                                            >Rainbow perches herself on the bed and smiles at Anon.

                                            >"Anon, how would you like to join me in getting nailed? You know, for old times sake."

                                            >The human gawps at her.

                                            >"You want me to nail myself to a cross and die?"

                                            >...

                                            >"...Y-- No. I want you to show me a good time! I've been real busy lately doing..."

                                            >She trails off and looks to you helplessly.

                                            "Collecting sea shells!"

                                            >"Yeah! That's it! Also beach ball!"

                                            >The human cocks his head slightly.

                                            >"Jesus plays beach ball?"

                                            >"Sure does! He also plays other 'fun' games, too!"

                                            >Anon narrows his eyes.

                                            >"I don't know, Jesus... The Boogle explicitly forbids fun."

                                            >Dash snorts.

                                            >"Boogle schmoogle, I already told you that I'm the real deal, Anon."

                                            >"I know... But I just wonder sometimes."

                                            >He sighs.

                                            >"Every get the feeling you're just being spoken to and interacted with by people just so they can take advantage of you and use you like a piece of disposable equipment?"

                                            >You glance at Dash.

                                            >She raises an eyebrow.

                                            >"Well, uhh, I dunno, Anon, your equipment can be used more than once. Hopefully."

                                            >"That's not the point... Earlier today two close friends of mine tried to rape me! In snowman costumes!"

                                            >He sighs.

                                            >"They weren't even realistic..."

                                            "Yes they were-- Oops."

                                            >Anon stares at you.

                                            >Dash motions for you to shut up.

                                            "I mean, they were great! I would know because I'm Jesus! And I know everything!"

                                            >Anon nods.

                                            >"True, you do."

                                            >He brightens up.

                                            >"Speaking of which, you know that horrific sexually transmitted disease that causes necrosis and four types of cancer to anyone that catches it that I have? Is that something that will go away over time or do I have to rub a cream on it?"

                                            >The room falls silent.

                                            >Rainbow Dash hops off the bed and walks out the door.

                                            >"Fuck this."

                                            "Rain-- uh, Christ! Wait!"

                                            >"Forget it, Fluttershy! He's not worth it!"

                                            >You hear the front door slam shut.

                                            >Nervously tap your hooves together and give a sheepish smile to Anon.

                                            >He scowls back.

                                            >You weigh up your options given the recent development.

                                            "So..."


                                            >...


                                            >...


                                            "W-wanna nail me?"


                                            The End.