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3195 17.96 KB 408
[FLUTTERRAPE] Crissmass
By NebulusCreated: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-04 17:07:41
Expiry: Never
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Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 1st, 2015
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>"Criss-what?"
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"Christmas, he called it."
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>Rainbow Dash frowns.
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>"What's that?"
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"Umm, I think he said it was something like Hearth's Warming Eve, you give presents and spread good cheer."
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>"Pshh, so why not just call it Hearth's Warming Eve?"
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>Shrug, then shiver.
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>The field you're both lounging around in is terribly cold.
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"Not sure, he said it was something to do with a human called Christ."
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>"What was so special about him?"
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"He had a lot of wood, and got nailed a lot."
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>Rainbow Dash's ears prick up and she grins.
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>"He sounds like my kind of human!"
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>You bite your lip and imagine humans getting nailed.
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"Y-yeah, it sounds wonderful..."
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>Shake your head.
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"Anyway, we need to think of a way to use this!"
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>Rainbow Dash lazily plays around with a bit of cloud.
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>Some snow falls out of it as she does so.
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>"I dunno, 'Shy. Anon seems pretty uptight. I mean, I wanna bang him as much as the next mare but don't you think he'd catch onto us if we used this Crissmuss thingy on him?"
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"Oh no, he said humans -love- this holiday! He said it's the only time of the year people stopped being mean to each other! A holiday full of so much love... We -have- to use this! It's perfect!"
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>Rainbow shrugs.
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>"Alright, if you insist. But how do we do it?"
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"W-well, umm, I'm not sure... I guess we could try and get more information out of him so we could create a plan?"
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>Your friend nods.
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>"Sounds good to me! Hold this--"
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>She tosses you the chunk of snow-cloud she was fiddling with and tears away across the snow-capped fields.
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>Sip your coffee and stare at the winter wonderland outside your kitchen window.
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"Man, today is gonna be great."
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>A blue pony with a rainbow mane slams into the side of your house and waves at you as she slides down the wall.
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>Nonchalantly drink some more coffee.
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"Man, today is gonna suck."
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>The pony peels herself off the brickwork and rushes to your front door.
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>Go to open it.
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>When you do so, a cold breeze whips up your dressing gown around you.
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>Rainbow Dash gets a nosebleed.
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>"H-hey! Uhh, so Chessmass. Pretty crazy, right?"
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"Yeah, it is."
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>Raise an eyebrow.
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"Why do you care?"
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>Dash leans against a nearby plant-pot and tries to look cool.
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>But the plant-pot was actually just snow weirdly shaped exactly like a bush.
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>The pile of snow with a rainbow tail now sticking out of it casually looks up at you.
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>"Eh, you know, just curious. So what do you do on the day?"
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>Shrug.
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"Eat food, exchange gifts, love your family. Literally the exact same holiday as Hearth's Warming Eve, but without the religious parts."
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>An ominous wind howls in the distance as you mention 'religion'.
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>Dysphoria fills you.
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>Rainsnow Dash nods.
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>"Cool, cool, but are there any -special- parts? Do you wear any kooky outfits or whatever?"
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"Sometimes. Usually just gaudy sweaters."
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>Sip your tea.
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>Wonder when your coffee turned into tea.
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>Drink some more tea.
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"Oh, and also girls usually dress sluttily and try to make out with people under mistletoe. It's gross."
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>The snowpony sprouts wings.
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>"BINGO!"
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>It explodes and a rainbow streak bolts away from you.
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>Watch it disappear into the distance.
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>Look down at your cup.
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>It's filled with eggnog.
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>Frown.
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"Slutty outfits?"
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>"Totally! -And- they make out with guys under mistletoe! Fluttershy this is PERFECT!"
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>You cinge at her shouting, but your heart starts hammering in your chest anyway.
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"Oh my goodness... We might have a shot at this! Oh-- Did he say what kind of slutty outfits?"
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>"I dunno, let's see what you have."
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>You both head inside your cottage and upstairs to your room.
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>Leading your friend towards your cupboard, you push the sliding door to one side.
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"Umm, okay, so which do you think?"
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>...
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"Rainbow Dash?"
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>"Why is there a giant lizard outfit there...?"
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"Oh, that's for Spike."
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>Rainbow Dash gives you a strange look.
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>Blush and hurriedly move along.
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"What about a nurse?"
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>"I swear you choose every excuse to dress up in that thing."
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"I like being a nurse..."
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>Rainbow Dash pushes past you and starts roughly searching through your clothes.
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>"No. No. No. Eww... No. No. No. N-- wait..."
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>...
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>"...No."
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>She pauses.
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>"Ohhh, what about this one?"
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>She pulls out a cute little red outfit with white fluffy hems and a hat to go with it.
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>You frown.
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"Not very festive though, is it?"
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>Rainbow gives it another look.
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>"Yeah, I guess you're right."
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>She puts it back on the rack and keeps sifting through.
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>"Wait. Fluttershy. This. THIS."
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>The mare squeals and shows you what she found.
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>You blush deeply at the sight of it.
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"B-But Rainbow! That's... L-lewd!"
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>She grins devilishly.
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>"Isn't that the point?"
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>You chew your bottom lip.
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>Then think of Anon rutting you while you wear what Rainbow's holding.
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>That seals the deal.
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"Alright, let's do it!"
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>Rainbow Dash hoof-pumps the air and lets out a "Yes!"
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>You root through the cupboard some more.
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"I should have another outfit just like that..."
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>"Why would you have two?"
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"I'm afraid of losing the outfit then needing it while it's gone, so I always keep replacements."
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>"That's... An oddly specific fear, Fluttershy."
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>You give her a weak smile and let out a soft "yay" as you find the replacement.
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>Rainbow Dash looks over her outfit.
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>"Fluttershy. I think this plan is gonna rock Anon's world. And then his bed."
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>Hear a knock on your door.
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>Put down your copy of ' Mares with crossbows weekly ' and lumber over to the door.
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>A hot mug of something is already in your hand by the time you reach it.
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>Looking down, it appears to be hot orange juice.
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>Eh, good enough.
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>Sip it and open the door.
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>...
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"Now that's just silly."
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>Two mares dressed as abominable snowponies peer up at you.
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>"R-rawr! We're here to kiss you under the mistletoe!"
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>The other one perks up.
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>"Yeah! We're gonna fuck you real good!"
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>Stare at them for a second.
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>Then close the door.
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"Alright. That just happened."
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>They knock again.
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"What do you want?"
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>"Can we come in?"
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"No. You want to sexually molest me."
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>"Don't be stupid, Anon, why would we do that?"
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"Good point."
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>Open the door and let them in.
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>As soon as the door is shut you lock it and smile at them.
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"Okay, now what?"
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>"Now we're gonna sexually molest you."
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"Shit."
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>Hurl your mug of bleach at one of the snowponies.
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>She screams and falls backwards.
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>"N-NO! THE FABRIC! IT'S RUINED!"
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>Her comrade winces at her outburst and picks her up.
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>"Come -on- Fluttershy! We can still do this!"
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>As you run away, you are shocked at the odds of there being two Fluttershys in Ponyville.
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>Must be a common name.
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>Bail out the back door and into the snow.
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>Bail back into the back door and away from the snow.
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"Fuck it's cold out there."
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>Worst of all, you're not wearing slippers.
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>And you can't be bothered changing clothes.
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>And the two mysterious ponies dressed as monsters that are trying to rape you also pose a problem.
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>The question is how to stop them from doing so.
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>You think on this as you ascend the stairs.
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>One of the ponies is consoling her friend, who is wailing about the affects of bleach on fabric.
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>Even though she was stark white and the bleach won't have done much.
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>Then again, you don't know much about clothes.
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>Rarity does, though.
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>Wait.
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>Rarity?
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>Rarity must be one of the snowponies!
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>Son of a bitch, you knew this would occur sooner or later.
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>Mother always said it would be fuzzy white ponies that would be your end.
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>You thought it was a metaphor for cocaine.
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>Shows how much of a dumbass you are.
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>From the sounds of it, the ponies have recovered from their emotional trauma and are now looking for you.
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>Thankfully, you're hidden in a remarkable hiding spot.
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>"Where is he?"
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>"N-not sure... Hey, has he always had that lamp?"
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>"Huh, don't think so. Never seen it here before."
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>One of them giggles.
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>"Heh... Kinda looks like him a bit, doesn't it?"
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>They both laugh.
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>"Yeah, it does... Come on, let's keep looking. Anon? Aaaaanoooon!"
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>You breathe a sigh of relief from beneath the lamp-shade you're wearing on your head.
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>Ponies aren't too bright.
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>But you are.
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>Because you're a lamp.
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>HA.
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>Smirking at your hilarious joke, you creep towards the basement.
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>Slipping through the door you swiftly descend the steps and pull the little bit of string to bring some lights on.
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>Gotta be something down here that can help you.
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>You puzzle over your large collection of knives, axes, and other medieval weaponry before deciding on an inflatable mallet you got with Pinkie Pie at a fair.
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>...
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>One of the ponies was comforting the other after the bleach...
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>Only one other pony is so selfless, good natured, and full of loving kindness.
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>Pinkie Pie.
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>Pinkie Pie and Rarity have joined forces to fondle your fiddle.
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>These are the darkest times.
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>Grimacing, you pluck your mallet off the wall and look around for something else.
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>You find a bag of baubles you haven't used to decorate with yet.
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>If you throw these at the hooves of your pursuers, they'll trip over them and fall down!
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>Chuckling, you take them with you.
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>Armed with a plastic hammer and some glass balls, you return upstairs.
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>Peek out of the door before you enter the hallway.
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>The ponies are nowhere to be seen.
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>Glancing, you see the backdoor again.
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>And your outdoor boots lying on the mat next to it.
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>How you didn't see them before escapes you, but you subtly slide over to them and pull them on.
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>Hoofsteps upstairs alert you.
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>Straining your ears, you can hear voices.
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>"Anything?"
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>"N-no, he's not in here either! Where -is- he?"
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>"Is he a spy or something? I've never met anyone so stealthy!"
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>"Well maybe he's downstairs again..."
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>"Maybe."
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>They move out of what you think was your bedroom and towards the stairs.
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>You need to find a place to hide.
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>But where?
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>So caught up are you in your decision making that by the time you settle on 'just go to the basement again', there are two abominable ponies stood before you.
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>One of them grins.
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>"Hi."
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"Stop."
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>She cocks her head.
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"Mallet moment."
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>Slap her with the inflatable mallet.
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>She reels backwards, letting out a squawk and crashing to the floor, bouncing several times and cracking the floorboards each time she does so.
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>Ignoring the physics of that, you turn to the other snowpony and hurl a handful of baubles at her hooves.
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>They bounce off the floor and hit her in the face.
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>She starts crying and clutches onto your leg.
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>Try to shake her off.
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>She just cries harder.
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>Sigh and attempt to remove her.
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>She seems to cling on harder the more you pull.
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>Like a suction cup made of hurt feelings.
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>By now, the other snowman has recovered from her mallet-induced minor concussion and has lurched over to you.
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>She grabs your other leg and refuses to let go.
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>Stare at the ponies holding your legs.
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>You can't easily move them.
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>This is it.
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>This is your life now.
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>Groan and take a single step towards the back door.
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>You can still make it.
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>This can all be over.
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>You're still not even sure what -this- is, so far you've hit Rarity and Pinkie Pie with mallets and baubles and made them cry.
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>Hell of a morning.
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>You wish Rainbow Dash was here to help you.
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>The pony that was crying stops for a moment to warble at you in an incoherent and indecipherable language.
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>"A-aww we wadded wuz t-to k-kissuu!"
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"What."
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>She clears her throat.
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>"A-all we wanted was to kiss you!"
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"Gross."
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>You reach the back door and step out into the snow.
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>The two ponies try to stay latched onto your legs, but the cool touch of mother nature causes them to shiver and drop off.
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>You look down at them with contempt.
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"That's what you get for... Well I can't actually remember why you're here or why this even happened, but that's what you get!"
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>One of the snowponies gives you doe-eyes.
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>"So this... This wasn't your fetish?"
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"Hell naw. To be honest, I'm very disappointed in you, Rarity and you too, Pinkie."
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>The two ponies look at each other, confused.
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"What you thought I didn't know? Thought I would be tricked by your act? I caught on the moment I threw bleach at you."
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>"Umm--"
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"Face it, Rarity and or Pinkie, I'm too smart for you."
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>Tap the side of your skull.
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"Human intelligence, bitch."
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>Turn to walk back inside.
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>Crush your nose against the closed door.
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>Mutter an apology to it and hurry inside.
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>Lock it for good measure.
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>Mission accomplished.
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>Stare at the back door to Anon's house.
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>Rainbow Dash is just as bewildered as you.
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>"Uh, was Anon always so... dim?"
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"Yeah... I was sort of betting on him being tricked into fucking us."
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>"Think I came on too strongly?"
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"Just a little bit."
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>"Eh, we can always try again later. It isn't Hearths Warming Eve yet!"
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>Smile at her.
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"You're right! We'll get him, and he'll be sure to love us as soon as we figure out what exactly he wants from us!"
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>You pick yourself up and walk away through the snow.
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>Rainbow Dash follows, hovering alongside you.
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>"Hey, I just got an idea!"
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"Oh?"
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>"What if we did carols?"
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"I'm not sure they have carols at Christmas."
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>"Pffft, why wouldn't they? He said our two holidays were pretty much the same so we should totally go over there and carol!"
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"But... How will he find that sexy?"
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>Rainbow furrows her brow.
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>"Darn it... Well what do you think we should do?"
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"How about we just break in at night and tie him to his bed?"
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>Rainbow Dash stops and turns to you.
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>You both give each other a look.
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>Rainbow taps her chin slowly.
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>...
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>"...Yes."
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>"Can you see anything?"
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"No, it's really dark!"
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>"Keep searching!"
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>Rainbow Dash picks up a small stone and frowns.
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>"His key is always around here somewhere..."
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"What if he got cautious and took it in with him?"
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>You gasp.
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"W-what if he's wearing it around his neck while he sleeps and we have to carefully take it off him without waking him up?!"
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>Rainbow scratches her head.
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>"Wouldn't we have to like, be inside for that?"
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"..."
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>Rainbow Dash eventually finds Anon's front door key.
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>Sellotaped to his front door.
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>In a moment, you're both inside.
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>Carefully wipe your hooves on his welcome mat.
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>Dash gives you a deadpan look.
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"I-It's polite..."
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>"We're about to rape him, Fluttershy."
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"I prefer 'struggle snuggle'."
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>"You prefer anything involving something cutesy."
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>Grumble under your breath and walk upstairs to Anon's bedroom.
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>Peeking through a crack in his door, you motion for Dash to follow you in.
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>Both of you stare down at the sleeping form of Anonymous.
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>He stirs in his sleep.
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>"Mmph... Not the soup..."
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>You suppress the urge to jump on him and make him yours right then and there.
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>Rainbow Dash puts some rope in your hooves and you both set about tying him down.
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>Lean over him to tie a knot.
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>For a brief moment, you're enraptured by how beautiful his eyes are...
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>...
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"Uh oh."
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>Anon stares up at you in the dark, leant over him with rope and breathing heavily.
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>"Fluttershy."
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"H-Hi?"
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>"What are you doing?"
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>You panic and look at Rainbow Dash.
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>"We're Jesus!"
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>You and Anon both give Dash incredulous looks.
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>To her credit, Dash sticks to the story.
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>"It's true! I'm Jesus and this is my partner, Chess!"
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"Christ."
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>"Cress!"
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>Anon looks between the two of you and folds his arms.
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>"Hand on, Jesus wasn't blue or yellow."
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>You purse your lips.
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"Oh but I, I mean we, are! The boggle just left that out!"
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>Anon raises an eyebrow.
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>"Yeah? Well in the boggle you also die, so nice try."
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"I umm, didn't?"
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>"What."
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"The book lied."
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>At this point you're just saying whatever comes into your head in hopes that it sticks.
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>Rainbow Dash carries on for you.
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>"Come on, Anon, who are you going to believe, Jesus and Chips, or some dusty old book?"
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>Anon scratches his chin in thought.
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>"Well it -is- pretty dusty... Alright, I'll buy it."
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>You and Rainbow cheer.
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>...
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"Uh, could you excuse us for one moment?"
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>"Aight."
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>Drag Rainbow Dash outside into the hallway.
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"Okay, two things, the first is that Anon is... Um, really stupid."
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>"Yu huh."
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"The second is, what do we do now? Jesus was a really important figure to Anon!"
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>"We'll just make it up! We have him eating out of our hooves!"
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>You nod shakily and follow Dash back in.
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>Rainbow perches herself on the bed and smiles at Anon.
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>"Anon, how would you like to join me in getting nailed? You know, for old times sake."
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>The human gawps at her.
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>"You want me to nail myself to a cross and die?"
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>...
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>"...Y-- No. I want you to show me a good time! I've been real busy lately doing..."
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>She trails off and looks to you helplessly.
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"Collecting sea shells!"
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>"Yeah! That's it! Also beach ball!"
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>The human cocks his head slightly.
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>"Jesus plays beach ball?"
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>"Sure does! He also plays other 'fun' games, too!"
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>Anon narrows his eyes.
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>"I don't know, Jesus... The Boogle explicitly forbids fun."
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>Dash snorts.
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>"Boogle schmoogle, I already told you that I'm the real deal, Anon."
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>"I know... But I just wonder sometimes."
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>He sighs.
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>"Every get the feeling you're just being spoken to and interacted with by people just so they can take advantage of you and use you like a piece of disposable equipment?"
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>You glance at Dash.
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>She raises an eyebrow.
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>"Well, uhh, I dunno, Anon, your equipment can be used more than once. Hopefully."
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>"That's not the point... Earlier today two close friends of mine tried to rape me! In snowman costumes!"
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>He sighs.
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>"They weren't even realistic..."
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"Yes they were-- Oops."
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>Anon stares at you.
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>Dash motions for you to shut up.
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386.
"I mean, they were great! I would know because I'm Jesus! And I know everything!"
-
387.
>Anon nods.
-
388.
>"True, you do."
-
389.
>He brightens up.
-
390.
>"Speaking of which, you know that horrific sexually transmitted disease that causes necrosis and four types of cancer to anyone that catches it that I have? Is that something that will go away over time or do I have to rub a cream on it?"
-
391.
>The room falls silent.
-
392.
>Rainbow Dash hops off the bed and walks out the door.
-
393.
>"Fuck this."
-
394.
"Rain-- uh, Christ! Wait!"
-
395.
>"Forget it, Fluttershy! He's not worth it!"
-
396.
>You hear the front door slam shut.
-
397.
>Nervously tap your hooves together and give a sheepish smile to Anon.
-
398.
>He scowls back.
-
399.
>You weigh up your options given the recent development.
-
400.
"So..."
-
401.
-
402.
>...
-
403.
-
404.
>...
-
405.
-
406.
"W-wanna nail me?"
-
407.
-
408.
The End.
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus
by Nebulus