Misc Kinder Stuff


                                            Misc shorts, vignettes and other small non-scp stuff that doesn't justify taking up a whole paste


                                            >>40719488

                                            >Be Anon

                                            >Be finding out there's Taco Bell in Kinderquestria

                                            >What an absurd thought, might as well!

                                            >Get there at the appointed time (2:15 am)

                                            >Wait in line behind the customary scruffy kid high on scented markers

                                            >The menu seems legit minus the puns: Baa-ha Blast, Burro-to, that kind of shit

                                            >Beef/Chicken are listed

                                            >concern.jpg

                                            >Wait, isn't 'burro' Spanish for 'donkey'?

                                            >concern and concerner.jpg

                                            >Scootaloo is eating out of a Kanterlot Fried Chicken bucket (thank Faust for those superbar mergers)

                                            >Fluttershy has her own

                                            >Elizabeth is eating a chicken leg like an ear of corn in a Bugs Bunny short, complete with typewriter sounds

                                            >Evacuate Bowels

                                            >Evacuate Lungs

                                            >Evacuate Building

                                            >Evacuate Sanity


                                            >Be Saved Receipt, best cashierpony in the realm

                                            >Get to handle money

                                            >Get to see ponies happy to receive their food

                                            >It's a tough job doing all that math, but worth it

                                            >Suddenly the green guy shits his pants and runs out screaming

                                            >Just as well, he looked like a steak guy

                                            >It's colder than Grogar's diabetic feet right now

                                            >The steak trees prefer warm weather

                                            >You hate serving subpar food but the customer is always right


                                            -----


                                            >>40721750

                                            >Be Twilight

                                            >Be giving your hardest IQ tests to Anon

                                            >He's acing all of them

                                            >By cheating

                                            >Except he's been very careful to never actually *cheat*

                                            >Everything he does is so brazen and outside-the-box that it's not even against the rules

                                            >...Wouldn't that technically mean he really is that smart?

                                            >You curse your intrusive thoughts

                                            >They will drown in Berry Punch's finest vintage

                                            >A mere 5% sugar, WITH salt added

                                            >You snap out of your reverie before your imaginary mother can threaten to tell your real mother what you're drinking

                                            >What's he doing now? What has he done to your precious peg test???

                                            >He took the whole thing apart!

                                            >Now he's reassembling it around the pegs!

                                            >For added chicanery, he even sealed the square hole with cardboard so you'd KNOW he did this on purpose!


                                            -----


                                            >Celestia has her own console, hidden deep beneath Canterlot

                                            >It is never powered on, except for in the most extreme crises

                                            >When a villain cannot value the magic of friendship

                                            >When all attempts at correction have failed

                                            >When those no-life jerks in Tartarus can't scare them straight

                                            >When even being stoned long enough to outlive their bullies has failed

                                            >There is one penance that would make even Jane the Cuddler understand what she's done wrong


                                            >A statue was left in the garden to deflect the public's concerns

                                            >It's a fake, of course

                                            >By that I mean it's a real statue, not 3 half-dead guys, just so we're clear

                                            >Cozy Glow, Tirek and Chrysalis were quickly brought below Canterlot

                                            >Informed that they would face 'an ancient trial by ordeal, as set forth by the First Queen of Paradise Estate'

                                            >For a moment, Celestia could see an innocent filly quaking in fear

                                            >Good. It's part of the process. Part of rebuilding her, after whatever killed her ability to love.

                                            "Up ahead is the most secret, some might also say sacred, site in Equestria. Here you will stay, until you understand the error of your ways. The spirit in this machine will test you, over and over and over again, until one of you bests it."

                                            >The ancient mechanisms ground and whirred to life

                                            >A black-gray box with rounded edges sat, plugged into a fuzzy screen displaying some ancient, dead language

                                            >The translation spell kicked in

                                            >Mario Party 3


                                            -----


                                            Technically, pony bodies are more frail than horses; all those magic-directing organs are full of blood and nerve clusters. These organs, however, will automagically burn magic to induce take-backs on injuries before the universe notices, granting most creatures a form of functional HP. More kindermagic theories:


                                            > A side effect of passively screwing with spacetime to go 'nuh-uh' to fatal injuries is comedic audiovisual phenomena which humans classify as 'toon physics'

                                            >Kisses heal surface injuries (booboos) via contact application of friendship magic.

                                            >Even a drop of spare magic prevents overpenetration, which is why Rainbow Dash didn't get salsafied by the impact; her wing was broken in the subsequent tumble

                                            >Earth Ponies don't have any specialist magic parts, they're just inherently full of magic with nowhere to go but into their skin

                                            >This applies to most living things; magic exists everywhere, organisms that don't have an outlet will unconsciously beef themselves up like a chi cultivator


                                            >As in most fantasy, stars in this realm are made of pure magic

                                            >This law applies to foreign objects

                                            >Prime Material Objects are technically made of stardust

                                            >Earth objects therefore function anomalously; unlike in most settings, mundane Earth isn't a drab place- it's an overwhelming fae realm where every fight is like playing tag with a rocket launcher, all the food has more food per food, and even nerds are 21% cooler

                                            >Anon was the star that aided in Her escape, she whined a lot until he got a really big ladder


                                            -----


                                            >Be Anon

                                            >You and Derpy are scouting out a new Secret Post Office Location

                                            >A sign pops out of your lantern as the light goes out

                                            >Fucking fireflies are on strike again

                                            >In spite of the generous sugar cube allotments

                                            >"Don't worry Anon, I brought torches!"

                                            >A sputtering orange light sparks up

                                            >In her mouth, natur- wait why do you smell cherry tobacco?

                                            >There she is, chuffing on the fattest donk you've ever seen

                                            "Derpy, why do you have that?"

                                            >She looks at you like Twilight did when you asked about the sunrise

                                            >"I told you, torches silly!"

                                            "That's not a torch, that's a cigar!"

                                            >"I don't want to be a bigot Anon, but apparently 'cigar' means 'thing you hold in your mouth to make light' so why are we having this discussion?"

                                            >You explain the extreme dangers of nicotine and tobacco smoke, and how they can cause cancer- especially if the tobacco is processed

                                            >"What's cancer?"

                                            >Oh boy

                                            "Uh, it's... when your body... uh... starts growing parts it shouldn't? It can... kill you? Like, by stopping up your heart or something?"

                                            >"Sounds like bad poison joke- you don't think I'm dumb enough to make a torch out of that, do you?"

                                            >Of course you don't

                                            >You even believed that before the sad eyes

                                            "NO! Just, why do you make torches out of that? Why not just dip a rag in oil and wrap it around a stick?"

                                            >"A stick? Off the ground? Anon I thought you were more mature than most ponies, that's icky! And the smoke smells nicer this way anyway! You can put other herbs in it, a lot of trailblazers have a signature scent!"

                                            >You're still fixated on the cancer part, to be honest

                                            >Does cancer exist here? It might not, or ponies might not know better

                                            >Suddenly: the scent of lemon pledge and hickory wood

                                            >Mail Team Six flies in, all of them sucking on chub cheroots

                                            >They're disappointed, apparently they thought there'd be an opportunity for a cool rescue op from all the shouting

                                            >"Nope, but get this- Anon's almost as smart as the princesses but he's never seen a torch before! How crazy is that?"


                                            -----


                                            >Be Anon

                                            >On daily trip to market

                                            >Constant feeling of being watched

                                            >Murmuring in the background

                                            >Catch your name occasionally

                                            >Every time you look back, the same group of mares is looking casual

                                            >Too casual

                                            >Eventually Derpy runs up to you and licks your hand

                                            >"HA! Bet you don't want him now!"

                                            >The other mares walk away with varying faces of disgust

                                            >Derpy is now listing off her ideal wedding registry like you're an XXX-rated Santa

                                            "Fucking ponies"

                                            >"Heeheehee, not yet Mister! But you will be!"


                                            -----------


                                            >>40910412

                                            >>40910415

                                            If we go by IRL horses, they can't have real chocolate; kinderponies must use karob or some substitute that tastes similar. Chocolate would be a lethal neurotoxin, but how could the kindergods be so cruel? Surely there exists a context where a kinderpony could benefit from the pure chocolatey goodness?

                                            >Be Pinkie

                                            >Be having the best (last) day of your life

                                            >You caught terminal cooties a few months ago

                                            >It's almost time

                                            >All your friends are sad

                                            >Anon was surprised at how well you took the news

                                            >Apparently he thought ponies didn't know what dying was this whole time?

                                            >Ha ha silly Anon

                                            >Ow

                                            >Stage 4 Cooties hurts

                                            >The next hour or so is a haze of teary-eyed frens

                                            >Anon's here!

                                            >He's brought a treat- is that?

                                            >It is!

                                            >That's the hypercandy he kept saying would kill you!

                                            >Nothing to lose now, huh?

                                            >The nice priest read you your last bedtime story

                                            >You take a bite and-

                                            >It's not what you expected...

                                            >IT'S A MILLION TIMES BETTER! Like the Princess Celestia of choco-bombs!

                                            >And comes with a fizzy feeling in your blood?

                                            >Oh right, the alien super-poison from the realm of the infinite stars

                                            >Why are you feeling a little stronger?

                                            >"Her beeps are booping! What's going on!?" You hear Nurse Redheart shouting to her team. "DOCTOR HORSE! I NEED A BLOOD SCAN!"

                                            >You hear that funny boop-sparkle-whistle sound before Doc Honse replies, "I don't believe it- the 'chocolate' is expending its energy on the cootie cells first! If we control the dosage, she might have a chance!"

                                            "Hehe... don't go getting my hopes up for nothing, silly!"

                                            >But they weren't up for nothing

                                            >They went way up, for SOMETHING!

                                            >Obviously, since you're sitting in your room. Looking at that fancy pink ribbon, reminiscing about the time you beat the worst diagnosis a pony could get

                                            >All through the power of poisonous super-murder-candy

                                            >You never would've imagined changing careers to a doctor, but a candy doctor? Yeah that's practically still baking, but you get to punch death in the face

                                            >Even when you fail, and you do sometimes, you at least know the taste was worth it in the end.

                                            >You set your framed ribbon down, right next to your diploma

                                            >"PINKIE PIE, Licensed Chocolatier"