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How Anon, Snips and Trixie saved Equestria, pt. 1

By woggs123
Created: 2024-04-10 00:13:47
Expiry: Never
anontrixiekinderquestriakindersnips

  1. Behold, technically the first green I ever tried to write but got distracted and ultimately forgot. Now expanded and in-progress with assistance from The Great and Powerful Alcohol!
  2.  
  3.  
  4. >Be Snips
  5. >Kinderponies need sugar to live
  6. >Everypony knows this
  7. >Even you and Snails know this, and y'all don't know shit.
  8. >Well, you know one other thing: grownups have been getting awfully skinny ever since Barnyard Bargains stopped carrying sugar.
  9. >The Apples' trees are going bare too; something about overbucking?
  10. >You told her to aim lower, she did that thing where she laughs without smiling. Like when you ask about her parents or batponies or how banana candy doesn't taste like bananas.
  11.  
  12. >Moonday morning!
  13. >You almost sleep in
  14. >The smell of your mother's cooking is better than any alarm clock
  15. >This morning, there's no smell of big chunks of chocolate
  16. >No syrup, no frosting
  17. >Not even the fragrant aroma of that most cherished frybread, the pancake!
  18. >Dinosaur nuggies smell great though
  19. >Weird that your mom is making lunch-dessert for breakfast-not-dessert though
  20. >Even weirder, there's no honey mustard or bbq sauce
  21. >You get downstairs and almost scream
  22. >Your mom is tired
  23. >You haven't seen her this tired since she had to stay up all night signing papers after the future maker of your dino nuggies came to town
  24. >Sigh
  25. >Trixie
  26. >Someday, you swear, you'll give her heart-eyes and jump on the bed together all night long
  27. >Breakfast went by in a haze of bittersweet memories
  28. >It's gonna be real hard to woo Trixie after you kinda-sorta ruined her life, even if you didn't mean to
  29. >Miss Twilight being a weirdo who didn't understand what a PERFORMANCE is sure didn't help
  30. >"SNIPS! Stop muttering about that magician and get to school!"
  31.  
  32.  
  33. >Apparently, school is out.
  34. >Cheerilee left a note saying she's too tired and grumpy to be around foals.
  35. >It even has an official doctor's note stamp.
  36. >Poor Cheerilee, here's hoping she doesn't go super-evil mode and give herself a stupid name like Permanent Record or Failing Grade and try to cancel recess forever.
  37. >Again.
  38. >You really should apologize for leaving that turnip in your desk over the summer.
  39. >Oh well, problems for future Snips; right now: a day off!
  40. >Hot dang, a day off!
  41. >Actually, it's days off for "the indefinite future."
  42. >That's a weird word, isn't it?
  43. >It sounds like it means 'not definite' but school is definitely out right now.
  44. >Hayburgers.
  45. >What do you do now?
  46. >You and Snails can't casually hang out yet.
  47. >His family is hosting Carrot Top since her house got smashed, and he has to be her butler until it's rebuilt.
  48. >Really weird that it's taking this long.
  49. >Usually takes like a week, tops, for a townhouse to go up.
  50. >You've had plenty of opportunities to time it yourself!
  51. >Most of them weren't even remotely your fault, too!
  52. >Might as well go through the market, maybe you can get something to cheer your mom up?
  53.  
  54. -----
  55.  
  56. >Something is really off about the market lately, honestly.
  57. >All the ponies 'round here look as tired as your mom.
  58. >You're *really* starting to suspect ponies are hungry. Your mom says she's on a diet but she was already the skinniest mare in town.
  59. >You're not sure if she's even following the Cheat Day laws!
  60. >Everypony knows it's harmful to diet if you don't cheat on it every Sunday, but you've seen no signs of maternal compliance:
  61. >No cupcake wrappers licked clean and stuffed at the bottom of the trash, no missing wheels of cheese and a suspiciously wheel-shaped mother, no empty sodas and a mare burping out "no I didn't drink them what made you think I did?"
  62. >No nothing!
  63. >You check the trash every day to make sure, and then mom gets that applejack frown and-
  64. >Hey, what's the green chimpy doing here at this time of day?
  65. >He's yelling about beets and corn again.
  66. >Nopony's listening to him. What's he thinking? Talking about dessert when ponies' diets won't even allow dinner?
  67. >What can you expect from a guy who claims his family didn't need magic to run a farm?
  68. >His increasingly unhinged speeches have lead to the name "The Great and Powerful Farmanon."
  69. >He seems pretty desperate today, poor guy.
  70. >You slow down to humor the new village dunce; you've been there before, after all.
  71. >Your family is still paying for the new Ponyville Warm Milk Tower.
  72. >You start to tune him out as those thoughts lead directly to your future forever-sleepover-pal Trixie, but you catch words like 'sugar' and 'syrup.'
  73. >Making sugar from beets? Yep, he's still crazy. Poor guy probably doesn't even know the name is ironic.
  74. >He offers you a cookie. Technically he's not a stranger, but he's not-NOT a stranger. You learned that nuance when you accepted a stuffed toy from Twilight and woke up in Ponyville General with several class-2 internal booboos.
  75. >You square the difference and bring it home to your mom. Grownups have royal permission to talk to strangers, so your mom should be able to eat this.
  76.  
  77. -----
  78.  
  79. >You end up taking your patented Super Duper Overly Long Shortcut Through The Forest.
  80. >It's actually faster than the main road since you don't run into ponies out there.
  81. >Ponies tend to clog your brain with big words, especially Miss Twilight and her fancy four-syllable reading level.
  82. >Why does everypony use big words? It's-
  83. >GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
  84. >OH HAYBURGERS, NOT AGAIN!
  85. >Run, colt, run!
  86. >Hey, you know what'd be great during this wakey-or-sleepy crisis?
  87. >Some intrusive thoughts!
  88. >Honestly, you and Snails would probably have become bear poop if you ran into Miss Twilight that night.
  89. >She'd start talking about the antidisestablishmentarianism of the arboreum or something and then all three of you would be inside a bear because you just know Miss Twilight wouldn't stop a lecture to save her own life.
  90. >And then the bear poop would get eaten by the trees and then all three of you would be an apple harvest and your mom would eat you and you'd be back inside your own mom and she'd be super sad and missing you even though you're probably somewhere in her left leg forever- no, she wouldn't poop you out too, moms don't poop you gross dumm-
  91. >Suddenly, gravity!
  92. >Ow.
  93. >Wow that was a weird tangent, even for you.
  94. >This comfy ditch you fell into was kind enough to snap you out of it.
  95. >You tumbled and landed with your snoot mere inches from a sky blue sack of bees.
  96. >And-
  97. >Wait, bees come in yellow sacks, everypony knows that.
  98. >Is that-
  99. >Yes! It's that cool mare!
  100. >The one who makes you think of snoot booping and hoofholding:
  101. >THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE... Is dead in a ditch!?
  102. >Oh hayburgers!
  103. >That rumbling must be what killed her! Possibly even the second Ursa Minor you've encountered in this precise location, and you don't have Snails to distract it with a-
  104. >Hang on.
  105. >That rumbling is localized entirely inside of Trixie!
  106. >Correction:
  107. >THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE is only dying in a ditch.
  108. >...
  109. >Seriously, she looks hungrier than your mom and why would a super cool famous mare need to diet?
  110. >You *were* going to take this cookie to your mom, but wouldn't she want you to save the future mother of her grandfoals instead?
  111. >The cookie is barely unwrapped before it's gone in a flash of blue, replaced with a thin sheen of You're-never-washing-this-hoof-again.
  112. >Not that you do anyway
  113.  
  114. -----
  115. >"CELESTIA'S TIMEOUT CORNER! Of all the ponies to find me, why did it have to be you?"
  116. >Looks like Trixie got up while you were zoned out again
  117. >She's incredibly peeved to see you.
  118. >Not that you can blame her. Since, y'know, you lead that giant bear into town.
  119. Why did ponies get mad at her to begin with? It's like... her job to be a plothead onstage and make ponies look silly.
  120. You're the one who wanted to see her fight it, she never actually told you to do that.
  121. >"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE.... cannot believe she is saying this, but apology accepted. You did save her from starvation, after all."
  122. >whatintarnation.jpg
  123. >You forgot that thoughts are when you don't make the sounds with your mouth. Task failed successfully?
  124. >"What was in that cookie, by the way? Trixie's refined palate detected an oddity she cannot put to words. Not *bad*, mind you- just different."
  125. >You explain how that Anon guy was trying to convince ponies with food but you weren't really listening to him
  126. "It DEFINITELY contained beets though, he said that word an awful lot."
  127. >"It most certainly did not. Trixie detected only the pure, sweet taste of a sugar cookie. Trixie is also.... feeling..... slightly bad, about taking a cookie from a foal."
  128. "Why? I was offering it to you!"
  129. >"BY STARSWIRL'S TOWER PLAYSET! Do you seriously not know?"
  130. >Trixie must know your mom, she's making that slow, big frown like when you told her how many crayons it was and how radioactive they were.
  131. >What if you're related? That would be the coolest tragedy to ever befall you in at least 3 hours!
  132. >Oh hay, she's talking again! Or, she's been talking this whole time...
  133. >"And finally, due to Princess Luna eating the royal purple crayon of the Carrotbbean royal family, all imports of sugarcane both raw and processed are halted. Equestria hath run out of stockpiled sugar, local production can only barely keep ponies out of forever-boxes, and substitutes such as fruit cannot compensate for a variety of reasons, chiefly the earth ponies are both overtaxing local magic AND too weak to do it, which creates a cycle of tired, hungry ponies."
  134. >"And THAT is why THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE is s-"
  135. >"So-"
  136. >"Ssssss- SAD THAT SHE FEELS SAD about taking a likely-irreplaceable cookie, even from such a... well-fed colt as yourself."
  137. "uhhh"
  138. >Smooth move, idjit.
  139. >THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE gets that vein in her temple, sighs, and explains:
  140. >"We're running outta food and we can barely make enough to not croak, let alone get anypony healthy again. Did you get that or must Trixie conjure a blackboard?"
  141. >You're about to ask if she knows where to find a royal-purple crayon to give to the pirate king guy when a sound almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a woodwind section being murdered by a chainsaw is once again localized entirely within Trixie.
  142. >"Say, you don't think that Anon guy would have any more of those, do you?"
  143. "Couldn't hurt to ask, I'll show you!"
  144.  
  145. -----
  146.  
  147. >You trot along for several kinderhours.
  148. >(That's about 10 minutes in human time)
  149. "Hey, why do you know so much about soy-sauce-ergonomics?"
  150. >Silence, a pregnant silence- wait no don't go down that train of thought, keep it cool in front of The Mare.
  151. >Finally: "What."
  152. >She stares at you the way all the doctors did after The Night.
  153. >That look that says "I wanna ask if you're mentally retarded but that would technically be bullying"
  154. "You know, the whole famine thing? Seems out of the wheelhouse for a stage magician. Uh, not that YOU totally couldn't do whatever you wanted, but..."
  155. >With her ego stoked, Trixie's face softens to her normal state of 'you're lucky to even breathe the same air as me'
  156. >You're sun-danged right you are!
  157. >"OH, well if you MUST know, a performer must always have her ear proverbially to the ground! One never knows when inspiration may strike, or what happenstance might affect one's next destination- a failure to be informed could lead to a failure to be alive! For instance, had Trixie bothered to read the guard blotter before coming to Ponyville, she might have known there was an Ursa Minor nearby and would have thusly chosen a different mythical monster for her stage persona's backstory."
  158. >You cringe a bit.
  159. >You really bucked up that night.
  160. >Except there's no angry look, and she got kinda quiet and voice-cracky at the end.
  161. "Trixie-"
  162. >Angry look incoming!
  163. >No! Press on!
  164. "It really wasn't your fault. Snails and I caused all of it, and we're still paying for the houses and the milk tower. I don't get why they blamed you but it's not fair."
  165. >Her mouth is trembling.
  166. >Wow, she's even cute when she's sad.
  167. >How does she do it?
  168. >"Tri-"
  169. >"Trix-"
  170. >"I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG!"
  171. >You stop and let her cry.
  172. >She's full-on fountain crying.
  173. >Do NOT drink the tears.
  174. >NO- NO SNIPS, BAD SNIPS.
  175. >A hug might be appropriate, and the tears could get on you anyway!
  176. >Velocity matched
  177. >Initiating final approach for docking
  178. >Forelegs are open
  179. >Mission control, we have confirmed contact
  180. >Hug is a go!
  181.  
  182. -----

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