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How Anon, Snips and Trixie saved Equestria, pt. 2

By woggs123
Created: 2024-04-15 03:40:51
Updated: 2024-08-28 23:48:41
Expiry: Never
anontrixie/kinder/kinderquestriakindersnips/k/ommando

  1. >Be Anonnidiah Miller:
  2. >God-fearing, farm-owning man.
  3. >Formerly of the Appalachians, now trapped in a veritable Eden of horse children.
  4. >It's not half as bad as it sounds- angry neighbors fling tomatoes instead of buckshot, the tax laws can be understood without consulting a sorcerer, heck your dog even seems to age slower!
  5. >Lately, though?
  6. >It's been a long day of desperately trying to get anyone to listen to you.
  7. >Carrot Top has joined you on your porch for one last daily tribulation: teaching the virtue of crop rotation.
  8. >"I see how it works for you, but my carrots really prefer their current field."
  9. >Yes, yes, they have some covenant with the Earth.
  10. >Plants just grow for them, as if they can summon breath from the soil.
  11. >Their elders are intelligent enough to understand this energy is being overtaxed, but nobody is willing to try and see if your way works.
  12. >Spoiler alert: if it didn't, your farm would lie fallow and you'd have had to find employment.
  13. >It may not produce instant or exciting results, but good enough is good enough for you.
  14. >"It's just as well, Anon. With the famine going on, the princesses would never allocate the money for luxury crops. You're super lucky to be able to stay healthy on junk food this whole time, ha ha."
  15. >She does have a point- this sugarspun land operates on completely flipped dietary needs, and you can't exactly replant an orchard every season. Heck, you don't even know if moving the trees around would do anything anyway.
  16. >Still, it grinds at your soul to not be doing SOMETHING when your community is suffering.
  17. >Carrot Top won't even accept samples from you- you assume she's not entirely convinced of your lack of need.
  18. >You could prove it to her, but that would mean teaching these children of John Moses Browning and how to skin a wild boar.
  19. >Profane not-sugar is already enough of an assault on their innocence.
  20. >Pappy always told you, corn syrup was the Devil's punishment for almost electing Al Gore.
  21. >He was a nutcase, but you do like the idea of turning something satanic into something holy.
  22. >"I gotta head out before the ration office runs out of good juice. Derpy always forgets."
  23. >You nod in a neighborly fashion.
  24. >Not gonna offer her a cookie for the road- you know it's her pride as much as her concern, really.
  25. >Farmers just know this shit.
  26. >You sit outside for a spell.
  27. >Never alone, not with old Jerry sleeping on your porch.
  28. >That basset hound should've died a decade ago, but this land has been even kinder to him than to you.
  29. >You know why you, of all people, ended up here.
  30. >You can restore prosperity to these people, if only the Lord would give you a sign.
  31. >Right on cue, Jerry perks up-
  32. >Down the road, just past the forest gate, you see that funny magician girl and the slow kid who took a sample.
  33. >You turn your eyes upward for a moment in prayer, then send Jerry sprinting after them with a packet of cookies tied to his collar.
  34.  
  35. -----
  36.  
  37. >Be Snails
  38. >Be doing community service
  39. >Carrot Top is way nicer than you'd expect considering you lead a bear to her house
  40. >Dinky and her mom are with you too
  41. >Her mom's like the nicest pony in the world
  42. >Most ponies would say the princess is the nicest, but the princess doesn't know your name
  43. >Score 1 to the mailmare
  44. >Dinky's really, really nice to you
  45. >It's weird, she had the most stuff out of anyone in that house
  46. >Somehow she's always excited to be near the guy who wrecked her toybox
  47. >Fillies are so weird, you wish Snips were here- he *gets* mares
  48. >You're not allowed to see each other outside school until the house is rebuilt, that's what the judge pony said
  49. >No sense worrying about it, specially when you got pails of juice to fetch
  50. >You walk right into that storehouse, show them the fancy chitty-book (written in PEN no less)
  51. >Grab all the jugs and waltz out
  52. >The one labelled orange-pineapple is for Carrot Top
  53. >You bring it right over to her house and stash it in the fridge (which miraculously survived unharmed, how much is she spending on fridges?)
  54. >She's gonna be the juiciest mare in Ponyville when she goes home
  55. >All thanks to you, Snails
  56. >Yep
  57.  
  58. -----
  59.  
  60. >You went back inside for a bit
  61. >Jerry can handle the guests long enough for you to grab that most sacred of hospitality:
  62. >Sweet Motherloving Iced Tea
  63. >You don't really have much sugar on hand
  64. >Beet farming is a bitch when you don't have workers to help, cooperative soil or not
  65. >And nopony wants to work for the crazy guy, even if he does have a nice nest egg from carrot and bean sales
  66. >Especially when the work requires extra-sharp billhooks
  67. >But by God, you'll be damned before you fail to welcome folks like your ancestors did
  68. >No excuses this time
  69. >You'll tell them they'd be insulting you if they didn't have some
  70. >You almost drop the pitcher when you hear a cry from outside
  71.  
  72. >"FOOD! GREAT AND POWERFUL FOOD FOR THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!"
  73. >Immediately followed by the sound of a cartoon character eating
  74. >Like, the typewriter sounds when looney tunes ate corn
  75. >It's uncanny
  76. >You step outside to be greeted by a frustrated Jerry dragging a very crumb-covered and very blue mare by the tail
  77. >Followed shortly by the lil troublemaker charging after them
  78. >"Trixie must alter her previous statement: though the cookies don't taste bad, they are definitely 'off' as they say."
  79. "No offense taken; red beets taste weird and I can't even find any white ones round here."
  80. >Maybe there was a little offense taken, but the look on her face more than repaid it
  81. "Would ya like some tea? Shouldn't taste funny, I used the last of m'sugar from home making it"
  82. >Both of the ponies eye your pitcher with a look of... polite disdain
  83. >Great, two city chumps who think tea has to be hot and served in fancy little cups
  84. >The fat kid's the first to take you up
  85. >He's wheezing like he just ran through his first day of boot camp
  86. >Or would it be horseshoe camp here?
  87. >Little footy-pajama camp?
  88. >"Holy frijoles that's the best drink I've had all week!"
  89. >That'll do, pig. That'll do.
  90.  
  91. -----
  92.  
  93. >This land continues to amaze and disturb you
  94. >Right now, a loud houdini-type and her deluded admirer are inhaling cookies and tea
  95. >That's not the disturbing part- a few of your cousins could eat faster than that
  96. >No, it's the rate at which they're processing the goods
  97. >Bluegirl's ribs are fattening in real time right in front of you
  98. >Fat boy already had meat on him- good sign, means the parents prioritize the kids- but his eyes are a little shinier now
  99. >Or is it bad? If the parents are too weak to work, it's never going to get better, right?
  100. "Well, we got the lil pleasantries outta the way, so what brings y'here to my farm, uh..."
  101. >You remember Trixie shouting her stage name, but she's not in character right now
  102. >You hope
  103. >"Trixie was-"
  104. >Dammit
  105. >"lying at death's door in a forlorn valley, MILES from light or hope!"
  106.  
  107. >She must be particularly full of shit right now, considering the boy is correcting her:
  108. >"You were passed out in a ditch about half a mile from here."
  109.  
  110. >She's quick to take control, but you swear there was a flash of dread in her eyes for just a split second
  111. >"Hush, boy. Trixie is setting the scene: As Trixie neared a most inglorious fate, her young admirer pulled her from the brink and spoke of transfigurations most strange and profane, procured from the very master of this house!"
  112.  
  113. >Kid turned cherry red at her acknowledging his googoo eyes in any way
  114. >It'd be cute if you didn't know how hopeless it is
  115. >"She means I gave her a cookie and I told her what I could remember you saying- which wasn't much, just beets."
  116. "Ah, yep. Beet sugar, been a thing in my old country for.... heck, hundreds of years now? It's a-"
  117. >Trixie and the kid let out a "WAIT YOU WERE SERIOUS?" in unison
  118. "Yes. I can make it myself, in small batches- it's a pain in the butt to do it without fancy machines, which is why I need workers and maybe a loan for tools n such, but y'all keep looking at me like I'm telling you to fish in a sandbox. You're the first pony to actually take a dang free sample."
  119. >"Prove it."
  120. >This is your chance
  121. >Trixie looks desperate for work
  122. >Even if neither of them sign on, it won't be just your word anymore
  123. >Eventually, someone important will find out
  124. "Alright, but you'll have to help- that way you'll know what to do. Don't look at me like that! Whole reason I'm doing this is a civil service during these troubled times, I make enough money growing veggies and textiles even now."
  125. >Out of the corner of your eye, you see the sun and moon swap places
  126. >Dang it, you were so excited you forgot how late in the day it was!
  127. "Hm, actually, we'll do it tomorrow. You'd best get home, boy. Ma'am, I've a spare bed you can use if you'll agree to fetch the boy in the morning."
  128. >"That... may be a problem. Ponyville doesn't like Tri-me much, right now."
  129.  
  130. -----
  131.  
  132. >Be Trixie
  133. >Be accompanied by Jeremy, the Hound of Basset
  134. >Be returning to the den of uncultured heathen SWINE who-
  135. >Who are you kidding?
  136. >Be returning to the place where your luck ran out
  137. >It takes but a few minutes to near the house of Snips
  138. >It's agonizing, especially trying to keep your head somewhat hidden WITHOUT your trademark wizard hat, AND balancing this lazy boofer on your back
  139. >Nopony's pointing and calling the law yet, at least
  140. >Actually, most ponies seem to not care at all
  141. >Do they not consider you a criminal, or did they just forget you entirely?
  142. >Maybe it really isn't as ba-
  143. >"What're YOU doing here!?"
  144. >Great, the rainbow taco-muncher, escorted by the Buttery One
  145. >Everypony knows nachos are superior!
  146. >Keep it cool, you're allowed to be here
  147. "Trixie is here on behalf of Mr. Anonndiah, and does not recall ever being formally charged or banished from this township, o' flying bottle of seasoning."
  148. >"A what!? You're off your game, Trixie! That didn't even make any se- oh crud."
  149. >It took her a moment, but as soon as she parsed your brilliant referential wordplay she was stunned!
  150. >You still got it!
  151. >Your verbosity is both GREAT and POWERFUL indee-
  152. >Wait
  153. >She's actually stunned by the 40 solid pounds of hound riding your back
  154. >Surely she's also stunned by your great and powerful legs holding such massive weight?
  155. >"Uh- hey, Jerry, we cool, right dude? heh. [spoiler]fluttershy do the stare right now please holy guacamole[/spoiler]"
  156. >Something changes in Jerry when he hears 'stare.'
  157. >He lays his head on yours and pushes your horn like you're an arcade cabinet!?
  158. >It's working!?
  159. >He is piloting you closer to the duo!?
  160. >The both of you are now staring Small, Light and Shaky in the eyes
  161. >This isn't good- you've heard of her hidden power
  162. >Beneath her buttery-soft spine lies the assertiveness of a stallion twice her body weight
  163. >This could get ugly, fast
  164. >Oorrrrr.... Fluttershy just crumples and slinks away with her tail tucked in
  165. >Rainbow stares for a moment in complete shock before following her
  166. >Wow
  167. >That actually felt great... or it would if Fluttershy had ever actually done anything to you
  168. >Contrary to what others might say, you don't like bullying unless you're messing with hecklers
  169. >Seeing the multichromatic aerial tartlet shrink and fly off was quite satisfying, though
  170. >"TWILIGHT! THE BLUE JERK IS BACK AND SHE HAS A MONSTER THAT BEAT FLUTTERSHY IN A STARING CONTEST!"
  171. >Crumbs.
  172.  
  173. -----
  174.  
  175. >Run, filly, run!
  176. >Wait, Rainbow Dash would definitely know of Anon, and probably his dog by association...
  177. >Yes, she DID call him by name!
  178. >What in the name of Ponysseus's Golden Helmet is she playing at?
  179. >No, no more running, you KNOW you're in the right here
  180. >This isn't just your usual method acting, you actually did nothing wrong!
  181. >From round the corner, you hear the cornfed accent of the apple-fed mare and THAT BITCH
  182. >"Twilight, stop! Rainbow Dash is just upset about Jerry again! She picked a fight with him and he figured Fluttershy was the bigger target, like he always does!"
  183.  
  184. >"You're saying this creature has attack- OOF! Applejack, what's gotten-"
  185.  
  186. >"No! Shove them horseapples, right now! You been living here for, what, a year? 'Jerry' is the dog belonging to a farmer living just outside o' town. Rainbow Dash hates him because he chased Tank away from his lettuce patch one day. Didn't even hurt the feller, it was all sound an' fury, but now Dashie here has a grudge cuz of her pweshus wittle baby an' she wants to rope you into her dumb lil feud!"
  187.  
  188. >"But Trixie-"
  189.  
  190. >"Was a performer you an' I didn't like, an' we got too heated over it, an' because of that we blamed her for the Dum Dum Brigade's antics that night! Just. Drop. It. You never met Anon, he's a nice feller- kinda weird, has some frankly heretical ideas about farming, but he don't hurt nopony. I'll keep an eye on Trixie, jus' in case she's here for revenge, but YOU go on home 'fore you end up learnin' another friendship lesson!"
  191.  
  192. >"Technically that's my job, App-"
  193.  
  194. >"Ah said, 'git.'"
  195. >From two voices, one pony rounds the corner
  196. >One for whom you have a newfound appreciation
  197. >"Trixie. Iunno what you're here for, but ah guess it can't be that bad if Jerry's protectin' ya.. Jus' promise me y'aint gonna give any ideas to those colts, please?"
  198. "Trixie is actually here to pick him up for a job on Anon's farm, heh..."
  199. >She scrunches so hard you'd think you peed on her leg or something
  200. >"Why the heck're you takin' farm work? Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for ya, but.... y'know...you?"
  201. >She actually doesn't know?
  202. >You carefully scan her face for any tells
  203. >Any sign of mirth or schadenfreude
  204. >She actually doesn't seem to know.
  205. "My rope, bomb and lamp oil licenses all got revoked and pretty much every town I've tried to work in has chased me out for being a "fraud." Since then, I've been basically starving in the wilderness and almost died yesterday. You, one of the closest friends of the mare who accused me of fraud at my own show, are telling me you know nothing about that?"
  206. >She looks at you, a long long while
  207. >Looks up at Jerry, who is pointedly doing nothing but getting fatter
  208. >Looks at you again, right in the eyes
  209. >"Nope."
  210. "That's it? Just 'nope'?"
  211. >"Nope. Gonna find out more. Tell ya when I do."
  212. "Uh. Thanks?"
  213. >"Ain't just fer you. Welcome all the same."
  214.  
  215. -----
  216.  
  217. >No bucking way
  218. >That went well?
  219. >Let's get back on track!
  220. >THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, NOW EN ROUTE TO A SPECIAL ONE-TIME-ONLY APPEARANCE AT HER MOST ADORING FAN'S HO-
  221. >WAIT-
  222. >There really is a conspiracy against you?
  223. >Of all the times for you to be right!
  224. >AAAAAAAAAAA
  225. >If only you had access to a black market forbidden artifact, perhaps one you could purchase from a licensed shop with ordinary money, you could age that laughable lavender layabout into dust! DUST!
  226. >Equestria shall be as your new Neighnevah, and all its pathetic guardians meat for your wet pool noodle! HA HA HA HA H-
  227. "OW!"
  228. >Your little negativity spiral is halted by another nudge to your horn diverting your trot into a wall
  229. >Jerry? more like Jerk-y
  230. >Gag, no, you can do better than that
  231. >As if he's read your mind, a wheezing snicker issues forth from between your ears
  232. >...Right
  233. >It's not all bad
  234. >At least two of the Bearers aren't complete poopyheads
  235. >One of them might even be on your side
  236. >Grab the colt, do some alchemy, save Equestria, clear your name, wreak ouchy vengeance upon whichever little (probably PURPLE and ANNOYING) crayoncruncher spread such slander upon the good name of BELLATRIX LULAMOON!
  237. >Easy peasy
  238. >And it all starts right now, with you knocking on the front door of this admittedly charming little townhouse
  239. >Wait, will it be so peasy?
  240. >To confront the mother, so financially wounded by her son's admiration for you?
  241. >How can she blame him? His heart knows your worth- a mare, self-sufficient and world-famous at only 17*!
  242. >She must despise you, it's the only way to keep her heart intact! To gaze upon your illustrious face, and only see every hardship she's endured for the sake of Snips!
  243. >How can you convince her that this job, ludicrous as it sounds, might not only save their financial situation but the entire nation?
  244. >Gee Trixie, maybe tell her whatever you've told yourself?
  245. >This whole plan is nuts, y'know
  246. >Yeah, the cookies worked. Tasted kind of stale or something. For all you know the guy really is crazy and he just gave you a bad batch of normal cookies
  247. >But- you don't think so. Stale food loses power, and those cookies were powerful enough to deskeletonize you like only a grandmother's cooking can.
  248. >Stop with the self doubt, TRIXIE!
  249. >This is not the time for you to finally understand your precarious existence!
  250. >You rap, rap, rap upon the chamber door and hear movement inside
  251. >Broaden your stance, breathe in: count to four, breathe out: count to four
  252. >You'll lunge in and grab Snips if you must- he'd certainly enjoy your mouth on hi- EW WHY NO NO NO NO
  253. >"TRIXIE! My mom's at work and school's closed forever-but-not, let's go do some beet witchcraft!"
  254. >You can only twich in response
  255. >"Uh... Trixie? Y'allright?"
  256.  
  257. -----
  258.  
  259. >Be Anon
  260. >You saw Rainbow Dash flying off in the distance, oh, 'bout an hour ago
  261. >Heh
  262. >Anyone who wants to pick a fight with ol' Jerry is welcome to
  263. >You reckon your new temp workers'll be back in a few
  264. >Got your cart and your beethook ready
  265. >Shit, coffee!
  266. >Better chug your mug now. Ponies always look at you funny when you drink coffee. Last thing you need right now is scaring off the help.
  267. >Ah, Folger's
  268. >Thank God you don't give a flying FUCK about quality, no sir
  269. >Stick it in a can in a cold cellar, who cares if it goes stale, you've got your daily cup for the next few years still
  270. >...
  271. >...
  272. >Dammit, you've got nothing to do right now
  273. >Already did the daily chores
  274. >Guess you could check your guns- might need 'em if you get this show on the road
  275.  
  276. >Shotgun- check, cleaned and good condition
  277. >Shells- check
  278. >Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandad's revolver- check, powder- check, balls- check, caps- nope, but dragon playdoh apparently works just as well as mercury fulminate
  279. >M1- damn right, you didn't carry this thing through a world war just to randomly lose it, not to Uncle Sam's requisition office and certainly not to the whims of Horse Fate.
  280. >Spare carts- yep, gotta be careful with them, can't make more here no matter what you do
  281.  
  282. >Ah, right on time, you head out as you hear the tail end of Snips and Trixie chattering
  283. >"And THAT is how Trixie actually could kill an Ursa Major, hypothetically, assuming she had divine luck and access to the kind of weapons which only exist in high technology fiction."
  284. >"Huh. Yeah, that'd do it."
  285. "Alright, I got some snackies out if y'need 'em, no lollygaggin' though- eat quick and head out the back."
  286. >They look at each other for a moment and say the thing you'd never thought you'd hear, here:
  287. >"Nah, too excited to eat. We wanna see beet alchemy!"
  288. >Lord, thank you for this miracle
  289. "Alright then, uh, boy- you hook into this plough, Jerry will lead you along the path-"
  290. >To your great surprise, Trixie is already yanking the straps tight on herself
  291. >"What? Trixie lives on the road and hauls her- well, I.... used to haul my house around. I'm actually quite strong for a unicorn, alright?"
  292. "Uh- ahem. Well, boy- uh, Snips, that means you're doing the shaking. That plough'll do the worst of the digging for us, then you just yank 'em up and shake the dirt off, an' leave 'em on the ground with all their roots facing the same way."
  293. >"That's it?"
  294. "Yep. After that, I come by, hook em with this, and chop the crown and leaves off. We work as we go until we clear one row, then fork the whole harvest into a cart- or, heck, we don't even need a full cart for this, just a little red wagon would do."
  295. >"That sounds like the steps to a tree salad, not the steps to getting sugar."
  296. "Sugar comes after, you gotta get the sugar out of the plant- it's the exact same steps as making cane sugar, just with some extra prep beforehand. Now quit jabbering, Trixie's already working and we should be too!"
  297.  
  298. -----
  299.  
  300. >*clip clop*
  301. >*yoink*
  302. >*shooka*
  303. >*shik*
  304. >*clip clop*
  305. >*yoink*
  306. >*shooka*
  307. >*shik*
  308. >*clip clop*
  309. >*yoink*
  310. >*shooka*
  311. >*shik*
  312. >Et cetera, et cetera
  313. >This was the rhythm of your afternoon together
  314. >Minus a few times you had to help the kid
  315. >Or get him to stop staring at Trixie's rump
  316. >Heh, kid's about that age huh?
  317. >Still, you got shit to do
  318. >The loading of the harvest went a lot faster than usual
  319. >Having magic grabbity fields must be nice
  320. >You're gonna have to stop yourself from smacking Applejack next time she says unicorns ain't good for farming
  321. >After pouring the beetroots into a wash-wiggler (technical term the salespony insisted on), you put Jerry on the little hamster wheel
  322. >With a picture of Winona for motivation (also another reason not to smack the appul)
  323.  
  324. >You bring out a spread for everyone, leaving some bacon in Jerry's bowl
  325. "While Jerry's washing the beets, we can eat lunch."
  326. >"But Trixie demands satisfaction!"
  327. "No buts. Nothing to do while the washer's running, unless you want to run it?"
  328. >"Well- no, but why must we eaaaaaa-"
  329. "Besides you near keelin' over, just now? There's been a famine going on and I don't want y'all tempted to eat the beets that're supposed to be turning into sugar!"
  330. >"But Trixie is b-o-o-o-o-r-e-d!"
  331. >Boy ain't bored of that sweaty rear end, at least
  332. >Dang it, is this an HR thing?
  333. >You don't need to be dealing with an angry mother whinging over her corrupted little boy or some nonsense
  334. >Trixie probably wouldn't mind the attention if she even noticed, though
  335. "Just eat... Y'know what? You're a magician, you use black powder- I can show you how to make some if you keep working for me. How's that sound?"
  336. >The mare is dumbfounded, ha!
  337. >She's alright, for a city girl
  338. >You can see her open her mouth but all you hear is "ROAR" off in the distance
  339. >Hell to the fuck no
  340. >You grab your M1, running out the door as you rant more to yourself than anyone
  341. "God-DAMN giant bears! Probly that purple one here to eat the salmon right off m'drying rack! Not today, you bastard! I'm ready fer ya!"
  342. >Climb on up to your little shooting nest you made for this exact purpose
  343. >Unlock all the safeties (goddamn liberals)
  344. >Listen to the sexy-ass whine as you peer through the optic, looking for...
  345. >Oh yeah! Right there, bout half a mile out!
  346. >Bastards are surprisingly sneaky when they want to be
  347. >Can't feel it walking, but it's sitting with its head over the treeline
  348. >Sniffing at your salmon
  349. >Don't give a shit if you've got blue asshole babies to feed, you pay for the fish like anyone else!
  350. >Them being made outta stars n outer space makes them hard to hit, apparently
  351. >Heh heh heh
  352. >You used to dome squirrels with a fucking Kentucky rifle that was probably older than America
  353. >You've got a bead on the star right between her eyes, it'll be the last sound she never hears!
  354.  
  355. -----
  356.  
  357. >Yeah, keep sniffing
  358. >Come a lil closer
  359. >Right into my parlor, said the redneck to the cryptid
  360. >Easy, easy-
  361. >This ain't just a dick-measuring contest for you, there's no way in hell this bear ain't been stealing from other farms
  362. >Well, ok, your dick's gonna be mighty inflated if you pull this off
  363. >Still a public service though...
  364. >Now!
  365. https://youtu.be/7qcjYdDC86A?t=10
  366. >A couple bright-blue wisps smack the mama bear right in the forehead, and she starts
  367. >Well
  368. >Fuck, she starts deflating- there's no other word for it
  369. >Like you popped the plug on an inflatable castle
  370. >It's kind of anticlimactic, really
  371. >Part of you misses fighting the Tojos, at least they died in a way that made you feel like a man and not some childrens' cartoon character
  372. >A couple of their Gundams were bigger, too- hence the plasma cannon designed for shooting at their joints n such
  373. >World War 4 was a fucking nightmare, alright.
  374. >Don't even get started on what happened after Canada invented wizards
  375. >One good thing did come of that, though- an unexploded spell in your leg probably reacted funny to your parish church and sent you and your farm to this place, so the canucks are indirectly res-
  376. >Aw, DAMMIT- the deflated bear carcass is now dissolving into glowing dust and returning to the heavens from which it surely came?
  377. >Bullshit!
  378. >Now who the fuck is going to believe you?
  379. >Snips and Trixie!?
  380. >Oh.
  381. >You should check on them
  382. >Big bears are scary n all
  383. >And they both had a personal run-in with one
  384. >Getting back down takes a little while, what with the shakes from the adrenaline crash and all
  385. >You re-enter your house, safe and store your gun and return to the kitchen to find:
  386. >Two slack-jawed ponies and two full plates, and the last fading ember of that asshole fish thief clearly visible through the window
  387. "Goddammit, I told y'all ta eat!"

SCP-509: Equestria Buys a Dog

by woggs123

SCP-9000: Roomba

by woggs123

Misc SCPs

by woggs123

SCP-1225-OOF: Chimneys Are Pretty Dangerous

by woggs123

SCP-101: Mud Coffee

by woggs123