The Princess Filly

 

Chapter I

 

"Hey! What's the big idea?"

"No, not yet."

"Wait up! What's going on?"

"Guys! What's going on?"

<"Excuse me, is this where Princess Anonymous lives?"

<"How do you do, Princess Anonymous? My name is Starswirl. I'm here to take you to Canterlot."

"Huh? I'm not a princess."

<"You are the daughter of Princess Twilight Sparkle, are you not?"

"Adopted. Sort of. It's all… very… very… irregular."

<"As long as it's legal, it's good enough for succession. Come with me Princess Anonymous; you are now the ruler of all Equestria."

 

<"Hrm. I see you're not used to teleportation."

"Nope."

"So, uh, this is all an elaborate joke, right?"

<"A joke? What ever do you mean?"

"I mean, Twilight's friends tell me all the princesses are gone, then you show up and claim to be a guy who lived over a thousand years ago, you tell me I'm in charge of a whole country, and then you make me sick with that telepoofing shit. Haha, whoah, so bizarre, now if you'll excuse me I have pancakes to eat."

<"I'm afraid this is all quite real. Every alicorn princess in Equestria seems to have disappeared. If you'll look out that window you'll find the ponies of Canterlot in quite a panic."

<"For your second point, I did indeed live over one thousand years ago, but a short while ago Princess Twilight freed me and my fellow Pillars from our temporal prison. Thus, I live again."

"Is that right? Man, Twilight doesn't tell me anything anymore."

<"Indeed not, it seems. For she apparently never told you that you are her legal heir."

"Nope, definitely not. Shouldn't Spike be her legal heir though? I mean, Twilight adopted him way before me."

<"No. The dragon was legally adopted by Princess Twilight's parents, making him an adopted brother rather than an adopted child. Furthermore, as a non-pony, he is ineligible to be the head of a royal Equestrian house."

"Hey, well, uh, I'm not a pony either! Check my records, I was born as an alien monster."

<"I am quite aware of your past, Princess Anonymous. I'm also quite aware that you are a pony now, and will be for the remainder of your life. It is enough."

"I-isn't there anyone else?"

<"After you, there is one other in the line of succession. A distant descendent of Princess Celestia, who is considered her "nephew" for simplicity's sake."

<"Speaking of him, he should be paying us a visit-"

_"Uncle Starswirl, I am telling you, I deserve to be the king of all Equestria. Imagine! A statue of me, gracing every-"

<"For the last time, Blueblood, I am not your uncle! Leave me; I'm speaking with your princess!"

_"Why hello, there, little Princess Nonny. Would you like some candy? All you have to do is sign-"

<"Leave us, Blueblood!"

<"If you abdicate your throne, Anonymous, he will take it."

"But… he's a total fucking faggot!"

<"Indeed."

"And there's absolutely no other way?"

<"I lived in the age before the princesses. I remember the ways of the kingdoms of the three tribes. A vacuum of power will not stay empty for long. If it is not filled by legitimate succession, then it will be filled by war. Yes… I fear that if neither you nor Blueblood can claim the throne, then this land will be destroyed."

"I mean, how bad could a war possibly be, you ponies don't even have nukes-"

<"Princess Anonymous!"

"Fuck! Fine! I'll do it!"

<"Wonderful. Now come with me; we must tell the press at once!"

 

"Whoah, geez, the press? I only just accepted the job, dude. Give me some time here."

<"There is no time. The ponies of this land are on the verge of riot, and must have swift reassurance."

"Oh man, oh shit, what do I say?"

<"Answer all questions as simply and honestly as you can. For questions beyond your knowledge, I will answer."

<"This is the conference room. I will hold open the door for you, you will enter, and you will proceed to the center of the stage. I will follow you in after that. Do not answer any questions until I am at your side."

"Y-yeah. Uh-huh."

<"Enter with confidence. Maintain a poise that is dignified, but not snobbish."

"R-right."

<"And do try not to stutter in front of the journalists. Now go."

"Sweetie Belle?"

<"SILENCE!"

<"Now, if you have questions for the princess, you may raise your hoof and wait to be chosen."

"I… don't."

<"Between the Pillars of Equestria, the Elements of Harmony, the Wonderbolts, as many members of the Royal Guard as we could spare, and as many volunteers as we could recruit, there are thousands of ponies scouring Equestria for them right now. Rest assured, the princesses will be found."

"Well I, um, actually wasn't born as a pony at all. I have no bias toward any one tribe over another."

<"You have asked your question. Be silent."

"Yeah… yes. I remember doing a few interviews for some science journals back in, maybe, 1002, so you should be able to learn more about my old life in some of those."

"Heh… as, uh, ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

<"I will be educating and assisting the young princess in her duties until she is ready, just as I did for Princess Celestia aeons ago. Equestria shall be well-lead now, just as it was then."

<"Ten years, perhaps less. However, I expect that the other princesses will have been brought back safely to Equestria long before then."

 

"Holy fucking BALLS. You think those shit-licking buzzards out there are gonna be satisfied now?"

<"They never are."

"Hey, Starswirl, where do I eat?"

<"Ah, yes. Princess Twilight would have made pancakes today, correct?"

<"Servants! Bring your princess pancakes!"

<"Your late breakfast should be out momentarily."

<"Ah, if you'll excuse me, I have a small errand to run."

"Yup. Have fun."

<"Anonymous, I hope I'm not interrupting any profound thoughts."

<"I brought you something. It's your first appearance in the papers."

"Those dog-fuckers!"

^"You were right, Starswirl, she is a foul-mouthed wee princess!"

<"Princess Anonymous, I'd like you to meet my dear friend Rockhoof. He's here to help with one of the most important parts of your education."

^"Pleased tae make yar acquaintance."

"H-hi. What exactly is a mythical hero who I didn't think really existed here to help me with again?"

^"Hah! Becomin' an alicorn, of course!"

"Oh. Sure."

 

Chapter II

 

"I'm still not entirely sold on this whole 'becoming an alicorn' thing. Can you guys explain it to me again?"

<"Certainly. Ascension to the alicorn race is earned through a prodigious feat of magic, performed in the service of other ponies."

<"For example, Princess Celestia ascended when she first single-hoofedly raised the Sun. Similarly, Luna ascended by raising the Moon. Princess Twilight, I'm told, ascended when she became the first pony to incorporate friendship magic into a written spell, a breakthrough which has redefined the arcane sciences."

"Yeah, but I'm an earth pony."

<"It is not necessary to be a unicorn to perform great feats of magic. The pink princess, whose… name escapes me right now…"

"Cadance?"

<"Yes, her. I've been made to understand that she was born a pegasus."

"So what did she do?"

<"Hrm… I don't believe I ever asked. Rockhoof, you're a keeper of tales."

^"Oh, it was something… about… flying. Or weather, maybe. Ah, the point Starswirl is trying tae make is, all three tribes hae got some sort of magic in them."

<"Indeed. Why, Rockhoof here is perhaps the most powerful earth mage alive today."

^"I'm the only earth mage alive taday, though such things were common in the olden days."

"Right, okay, sure, got it. So earth ponies have some kind of magic too. There's still one thing I don't understand though."

^"What's that, lass?"

"Why do I have to be blindfolded while you guys throw rocks at me?"

^"These are but pebbles, lass."

"Well they suck."

^"Och, tak off the blindfold then."

^"It's a bit of a shortcut. Sometimes a blank-flanked foal will have a natural talent for earth magics, and they'll earn their cutie mark during that test. It would hae made things a bit easier for us if it had worked."

"Oh. Well, sorry for sucking."

^"It's nae your fault. Any earth pony can learn earth magics. I'll just teach you the slow way."

<"Alas, I must attend to less amusing work now. Rockhoof, do make sure our little princess gets to bed at a decent hour. The Sun won't be setting tonight, so make sure you listen for the clock tower."

 

"So earth ponies are all about strength, right? What are we gonna do? Sparring? Smashing rocks?"

^"I dinnae think you're quite ready tae face me in sparring, wee princess."

"Fair enough."

^"No, the first thing we're going tae do is gardening."

"Gardening? Like, flowers?"

^"Aye. And eventually vegetables. In a few years maybe a nice, big grove of oak trees. Come here, lass, look at these petunias."

^"Earth magics are very subtle, Anonym…hm..mh…"

^"Och, how do I say tha name of yours, lass?"

"Just call me Anon."

^"Anon, earth magics are very subtle. There are no fancy spells or such for us. A garden you tend does just a little bit better. A blow you land lands just a little bit harder. It boils down to blood and soil. Mastery over your body, and mastery over the earth."

^"Crack open that pod. Careful, now."

^"Look. Look in the pod."

"It's full of seeds."

^"Aye, so 'tis. Plant them."

^"Not so close."

^"Too deep."

^"Petunias are flowers that live and die very quickly. You could raise five generations of them before winter falls."

^"That will do for today. You've been through quite a lot already. Just remember, this garden is yours now."

 

<"The first thing you must learn is royal etiquette."

"Well, how much can there really be to that? It's just table manners and stuff, right?"

<"There is a great deal to it. And you must master the fundamentals quickly, for your coronation is at the end of this week."

"Coronation? Like a ceremony? That seems like a bit much."

<"Ceremony is an important part of diplomacy. It's best you learn it now."

"Geez. You keep talking like the real princesses aren't coming back."

<"One may hope for the best, Anonymous, but one must also prepare for the worst. The princesses are an integral part of this land. It is of the utmost importance that you are legitimized in the eyes of the masses as quickly as possible."

"All right, fine, what do I gotta do?"

<"The first thing ponies will see about you is your poise. You must keep your head elevated, level, and forward-facing at all times."

"Like this?"

<"Yes. However, I advise you exclude the silly facial expression."

"Heh? What did you do that for?!"

<"The only way to keep from breaking the plate is to maintain the appropriate royal poise. You are to wear your plate during your princess training for the rest of the week. By the time you are crowned, the royal poise should come as naturally to you as breathing."

"But that's nonsense!"

"You show me how to do it!"

<"Alas, with my horn it is impossible. However…"

^"Starswirl, old friend! What's the emergency?"

<"Oh, it's nothing so dire as all that. Our little princess could use some moral support. Would you mind showing her how to carry a plate on your head?"

^"Ah, ha ha ha hah! Of course."

^"It's like I was saying. Earth magic is about mastery of the body. This sort of thing comes much easier to earth ponies than it does to unicorns."

<"So you see, it isn't nonsense at all. In fact, it's quite possible."

 

"So we're not going to the garden today?"

^"Oh, we'll visit your garden in a bit. But first, I want to show you mine."

"Your garden?"

^"Aye. It's right over yonder."

"It wouldn't happen to be that grove of massive oak trees, would it?"

^"Sharp lass, it is indeed. Come on then."

"It's like stepping inside a forest."

^"I'm glad you're impressed. I planted it myself, over one thousand years ago. There was no Canterlot in those days, just the mountain."

"It's great."

^"Aye. Do ye think you can tell me why I'd make a grove on this spot?"

"Um… it wouldn't be the view, would it?"

^"Hah! Good guess, but no. Here…"

^"Try to crush that stone."

"Are you serious?"

^"Aye."

"Holy fuck!"

"Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck!"

^"Hah! Do ye see now, little Anon? This is a place of power."

"No kidding!"

^"All the magic in the world seeps up out of the earth. All the magic in the earth flows through channels called leylines. This is a spot where two leylines meet, where the magic is so strong that it seeps into the air. That's why I made the grove here."

"So that the earth magic would help the trees grow?"

^"Eh, nae quite. It's more to keep the magic under control. A well-tended grove channels the leyline magic as earth magic, which is nice and peaceful compared to unicorn magic, or even pegasus magic."

^"Many such intersections have places that do channel the magic as unicorn magic, and nearly every single one of them is a place of evil."

^"Letting the magic seep wild can be bad too. The Everfree Forest was once a grove like this one, but I've been given tae understand that it grew wild as the practice of earth magics died out, and there were no more earth mages tae tend it."

"So earth mages used to go around planting groves on these intersections?"

^"Aye. In a way, you could say we were gardeners for magic itself."

"And the earth magic from the groves is what gives your strength."

^"Well, not in my particular case. I was a fairly weak earth mage, once upon a time. But one day my village was in danger from a volcano, so I dug a trench along a leyline to take the lava tae the sea. As I was digging, I came across an artifact that gave me my great strength and powerful earth magics. Many such artifacts can be found buried along the leylines. However, yes, it was the common way with earth mages tae be strengthened by tending the groves."

"So you're sort of like a muscle wizard, huh?"

^"Hah! You could say that."

 

<"Start again."

"Oh, fuck you!"

<"Please try not to spout profanities from the podium during the real address."

"Okay. Okay, sure. Give me a fucking second-"

"Fellow ponies of Equestria, it is with great honor that I accept this crown."

"It is a symbol of the great trust you have placed in me, and of my commitment to live up to that trust."

"Equestria is a great nation, and even in the face of the tragic loss of our beloved princesses, we will carry on."

"Starswirl, I'm still not sure about that line. It sounds like I'm saying that the real princesses are dead or something."

<"The other princesses, Princess Anonymous. They are the other princesses, not the real princesses. You are a princess, and you must start thinking of yourself as such. Imagine if the public heard you-"

"Yeah, okay, it sounds like I'm saying the other princesses are dead. Can we get that line changed?"

<"I'll see what I can do. Continue."

"Equestria is a nation that has overcome hardship after hardship for over a thousand years, and by the power of our harmony and friendship, this great Equestrian tradition shall go on for a thousand years more."

"Are you sure I should be predicting hardship? Like, maybe I should be predicting peace and prosperity instead?"

<"In this country, any prediction of peace you could give would be proven false in a week."

"Fair enough."

"As the Sun rises, and so does the Moon…"

<"I am aware that the Moon has not risen all week."

"… so too shall Equestria rise up, stronger than ever before."

"And who, my fellow ponies, is to blame for our misfortunes?"

"What band of international capitalists has bled our nation dry with their greed and deception?"

"GRIFFONS!"

<"That's not what I wrote!"

"I improved it."

<"With what? A declaration of race war?!"

"Yes?"

<"Wh-hrm-gh-gah!"

<"Start over!

 

"Uh, yeah. Just call me Anon, the coronation's not til tomorrow."

"Eh?"

"H-heh. My own asassin. I guess this means I'm really important, huh?"

"Oh, man. I never wrote that book."

"I never climbed that mountain."

"I never even tried a pineapple pizza."

"W-w-w-wait, wait, wait, wait. Can I just get, like, 10 seconds to scream for help?"

"Thanks. You're very polite for a guy who murders fillies."

"AAAAHHHH! STARSWIRL! ROCKHOOF! GUARDS! HELP! HELP ME I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE! AAAAAAHHHH! TWILIGHT! HELP! AAAAHHHHH!"

"Fine. Just get it over with."

^"There, there, wee princess. You're safe now. Though Starswirl will probably insist on keeping guards with you at all times from now on."

"I'm okay with that."

 

Chapter III

 

"What are we gonna do, let the terrorists win?"

_"Little Princess Nonny, congratulations."

"Thanks. Please, call me Anon."

_"Anon. My, I'm sure your mother would be very proud."

"Maybe, maybe not. All I can say is that I sure never dreamed about this sort of thing when I was little."

_"I did."

"Well, life is weird like that, you know?"

_"Yes. Life can take some strange turns. Have you thought about what would happen if someone else were to become an alicorn?"

"No. I can't say I have."

_"It's an interesting bit of Equestrian law. Anyone who becomes an alicorn is immediately made a high princess, and ranked above any and all non-alicorn royalty. You would be effectively de-throned."

"Well, that's not something that happens every day. Besides, I'm working toward ascending myself."

_"Ah, but how hard it must be for an earth pony to ascend. I don't believe it's ever happened before."

"Hopefully the real princesses aren't gone long enough for it to be an issue."

_"Do you know, Princess Anon, that I have hired some of Equestria's greatest wizards to help me improve my magic?"

"Trying to ascend?"

_"Indeed."

"Good luck with that."

_"Thank you."

"Fucking finally, dude. I had to sit through a whole conversation with Blueblood."

<"Would you kindly watch your tongue in the presence of company?"

"Sorry, it's just… geez, he's so passive-aggressive and gay."

 

"Right, I understand that part. What I want to know is, where is the cloud now?"

"So… what exactly are you asking me to do?"

"Mr. McBreeze, will you please apologize to Miss MacCloud?"

"I tried."

<"Friends, perhaps this issue would be better resolved in private. The princess cannot mend your hurt feelings for you, and the line is growing long-"

"What my colleague is trying to say is, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COURTROOM!"

"What? I fixed their friendship, didn't I?"

<"Next!"

"Starlight! Holy shit, it feels like it's been forever! I thought you were out looking for Twilight. How's that going, by the way?"

"Oh, no…"

"Sure, sure."

"Geez. All right, I realize that I'm technically Twilight's successor, but the responsibilities I've taken on are more like Celestia's. I really don't have time to run Twilight's school."

"Tell you what. Everybody knew Twilight was grooming you to be a princess."

"Okay, everyone but you knew. My point is, there's nobody better qualified to take over Twilight's school than you."

"Yup. You are hereby the official principal-slash-headmaster of the School of Friendliness. You have full autonomy to do whatever you feel is right, and an official stamp of approval from Princess Anon."

"You do that. Ne-"

"Okay."

"Frankly, I think that sort of thing is decided by the magic itself, not by me. But once again, you come to mind as the logical candidate."

"Who else? You've recieved extensive education in both friendship and magic from Twilight herself, and you're fairly close to all of her friends. I suggest you start growing closer to them and hope that the friendship beams come out when you need them."

"I know, you said 'two more' earlier."

"Tell Spike he can come stay with me. I'd give him a place to stay in the castle, and to be honest I could really use an assistant."

"No problem. Tell the gang I said hi!"

<"Impressive. You actually addressed her concerns. And without spouting vulgarities, at that."

"I wanted to spout a few vulgarities."

<"We all start somewhere."

 

<"As I've told you, ascension is granted when one performs a prodigious feat of magic in the service of others."

"Right, I remember."

<"Thus, the first requirement for alicorn ascension is to channel a great deal of magic. That much is simple to understand, yes?"

"Yeah I think I get it."

<"To understand the second requirement, you will need a bit of explanation. Are you ready?"

"Ready."

<"In this world, there is an objective order. It is, if you will, a universal mind. It is a conscious will which, in its own way, enforces a moral law and a natural order upon living creatures. Sorcerers refer to this order as the 'Aether.'"

"That's a bit much to wrap my mind around, but if you say so."

<"To make it a bit easier for you to understand, consider this: Ponies often speak of 'magic' as though it were a conscious force which frequently acts according to its own will. They are not entirely wrong. When ponies speak of 'magic' in this way, they are referring to the Aether."

"So the Aether is magic?"

<"There's a bit more to it than that, but in a manner of speaking, yes. When one channels a great deal of magic, one also channels a great deal of the Aether."

"And that's how it knows if the magic you did was for others."

<"Precisely. The second requirement for alicorn ascension is to prove oneself worthy to the Aether. Most ponies who do great acts of magic, even for good purposes, never become alicorns. Noone can claim to know the Aether's exact selection process, but it would seem to include an assessment of both worthiness and of need."

"All right. I'm gonna take you on your word here."

<"You won't be disappointed. My word tends to be very reliable in matters of magic. The third requirement is much simpler. Are you ready?"

"Always ready."

<"The third requirement is approval by the existing alicorns. Should the Aether select you for ascension, it will take you to the eldest alicorn in Equestria. As far as we know, that pony is still Princess Celestia. The final decision shall be left to her, and she will either permit or prevent you from ascending."

"Well that's a relief."

<"What is?"

"The other day, Blueblood was telling me that he planned to become an alicorn and take the throne."

<"No, no, I don't believe you'll have to worry about that. I'll own that he is a fairly powerful spellcaster, but his character leaves much to be desired."

"I noticed."

<"Indeed. If Blueblood were to undergo a change radical enough to be worthy of ascension, you would have no need to fear him. As it stands, you are quite safe."

"Thanks Starswirl."

<"You're quite welcome. Now, I think a practical lesson in royal table-manners is what we'll do next. Come with me."

"Coming."

"A bomb!"

 

^"With all these ponies after your hide, you need tae learn how tae defend yourself."

"Oh, neat. So we're gonna do some fighting moves then?"

^"Aye. Throw me a punch. Give it everything you've got."

"Okay."

"That's no good, lass. I didnae feel a thing."

^"Stop, stop. That's no good."

"Well, shit. What do you want from me? You're like ten times my size!"

^"Stop relying on your own strength! You're too small to hurt me on your own!"

"Well, whose strength can I rely on? There's only me here."

^"Have you learned nothing? A proper earth pony can draw strength from the earth anywhere. If you can't do it inside of a magic grove, you're doomed already."

"Uh…"

^"Feel it, Anon! The Aether is here! It's waiting for you tae rely in it! Draw your strength from it, from the earth, from the leylines. Let it flow through your hooves!"

"I think… I think I feel something."

^"All right then! Hit me properly!"

"Ow."

^"That's. No. Good!"

"Well geez, what do you want from me? I didn't know there even was magic for earth ponies til like a week ago!"

^"There are ponies trying tae kill you! Do you even care?! Defend yourself!"

"Eh?"

"Holy fuck!"

"Hey, self-defense lessons seem kind of pointless if I die in class!"

^"Hah! That's more like it!"

"Holy BALLS, Rockhoof."

^"You can say that again. What a throw! Now you're working with earth magics!"

"No, I mean you, going all fucking… terminator on me! Like, you were holding back, right? You weren't actually gonna murder me with a shovel, right?"

^"You were in no danger, lass. I only meant tae scare ye. And it worked pretty well at that, didn't it?"

"Fucking shit I thought I was gonna die."

^"Just do that again next time you're in trouble, and you never will."

 

"Kill it kill it kill it kill it!"

<"Anonymous! Are you in danger?"

"I was. You just missed it."

<"Ophidious Ippolit, the dream worm!"

"Familiar with it?"

<"It's an extremely dangerous animal. The dream worm is so venomous that… actually, guard, take off that horseshoe. Never wear it again."

<"You will not find a creature like that anywhere within Equestria. Having it imported must have cost someone a small fortune."

 

"Gentlemen, it's time for a fresh perspective on things."

"Tell me, have you ever heard of a stand-alone complex?"

"I'm talking, gentlemen, about memes, the DNA of the soul."

"Consider this. One pony, perhaps someone with influence, voices discontent with the current administration. Half a dozen other ponies - without any connection to each other - hear this, take it to heart, and try to kill me. An accidental conspirator. Copycats without an original, acting out the will of the memes."

"You think I'm crazy, do you? What if I could tell you who the meme-smith behind it all is? Behold, our accidental conspitlrator!"

"Every single day, this scum-fucker writes horiffic slander about me-"

<"He wouldn't have anything to write about you if you didn't cause a dozen scandals every day during Court."

"And I think he's brainwashing otherwise perfectly patriotic ponies into plotting against me."

"Have I ever told you that I've been meaning to promote you?"

"H-hey now, don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not just doing this out of spite, there might really be something there! Check their, uh, financial records too or something."

<"Come along now, Anonymous. I think you've distracted these gentlecolts quite enough for one day. It's time for Day Court."

"No, please, not Day Court!"

 

"Uh, no. Who are you?"

"Oh, neat! What a coincidence, I was just planning to have you arrested."

"Sorry, I can do this. State of emergency. There have been three attempts on my life this week, you know."

"Wow! You really want to see the inside of my dungeons, don't you?"

"Somebody's been paying you to shit on me. Tell me who it is and you might go home today."

"You'll have a whole lot of privacy in solitary confinement, bud."

<"By the Sun! Anonymous, for the last time, you cannot have petitioners arrested for being annoying!"

"Glad you're up, teach. Mr. Rhyme here was just about to tell me who's been trying to kill me."

<"I see."

<"Carry on. Just don't do anything cruel or unusual."

"I'll let my guards be the judge of that, after they investigate your 'supporter' thoroughly."

_"There's no need for that. I confess."

"Oh, hey Blueblood. When did you get in here?"

"Also, did you do something with your hair? And your eyes? And your… teeth?"

"It was you!"

 

<"Th-the Black Blade!"

"Is that bad?"

<"Forged a billion years ago… killing so its power grows!"

"Should I take that as a yes?"

_"It's very bad indeed. You've survived hired asassins, bombs, deadly animals, and even memetic warfare. But you won't survive the Black Blade!"

"See? Memetic warfare! The paper really was out to kill me with memes!"

_"You seem to be taking this awful lightly."

"Well, there is a legendary sorcerer standing right behind me."

<"That sword can cut through unicorn magic like butter."

"Oh."

_"So what'll it be, little Princess Nonny? You can come down here for a peaceful transfer of power, or I can slaughter all of your guards, all of the petitioners in line out there, and then kill you."

"Now when you say peaceful transition of power, do you mean…"

_"You die."

"Shit."

"All right."

<"What are you doing?!"

"It's super basic ethics. One life vs dozens. Unless you can pull magic friendship beams out of your ass like Twilight Sparkle, this is kind of our best option."

<"You foal! Would you think for once in your life? Think you that the Black Blade will be sated with the blood of one filly? The sword is death from the beginning to the end of time!"

"Well how was I supposed to know that?"

<"Look at who you're speaking to! He's evil!"

_"What are you whispering about? I'm growing impatient!

"All right. You said that thing can cut through unicorn magic, right?"

<"Yes."

"How about earth magic?"

<"What are you getting at?"

"I have a bad idea."

_"Finally. I'm glad to see you're bearing this with a little more dignity than you did the other attempts."

"Ah, well, you know… Hey, isn't that one of those friendship death-rays rushing up behind you?"

_"What? Impossible!"

"EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CASTLE DAY COURT IS CLOSED"

<"Don't touch it! You'll go as insane as he did!."

<"I'll have to make sure that this gets back to the deepest part of the forbidden archives where it belongs. Are you all right, Anonymous?"

"Who, me? I'm great. All I did was solve my own asassination and risk my hide for my subjects, no big deal."

<"You've done well, Anonymous. But for now, you'll have to get away from that sword. Come along."

"Yeah, all right."

<"And one more thing, Princess Anonymous."

"What's that?"

<"You appear to have earned your cutie mark."

 

Chapter IV

 

^"To be sure, it could be an earth magic cutie mark."

"I want that fucker's head on a plate."

<"You're well within your rights to have it, Anonymous, but do you really think it's the wisest choice?"

"Well, I mean, it probably wouldn't look good if I started off my reign by offing my only rival to the throne."

<"True."

"And… when Twilight gets back she'll probably bitch at me about something something reforming the bad guys…"

<"She most certainly would."

~"Anon!"

"Holy fucking shit I keep forgetting you have wings now."

~"Well I'm not the only one who's growing up. What gives, you weren't gonna write home and tell everyone you got your cutie mark?"

"Hey, I just got it yester- Hey! You looking at my butt, faget?"

~"Wh- no! I just-"

"Get the fuck off of me, let's hug properly."

"Starlight told me you were pretty down about Twilight. You feeling any better, bro?"

~"Eh, not really. But it's good to be back in Canterlot."

"Hey. We're gonna find her."

~"Yeah, I believe you, it's just… I think I need to be busy again. Where are those mountains of paperwork you wrote to me about?"

 

"Say, why is it 800 years?"

^"Meditation implies silence, lass."

"Yeah, yeah, right, okay. Silence."

"But really, it seems like things that happened a long time ago always happened a thousand years ago. Why did earth magic die out 800 years ago instead?"

^"I don't rightly know. There were plenty of earth mages in my day, and then I was imprisoned for a thousand years with the other Pillars. When I was set free, they were all gone."

"You never… you know, asked?"

^"I did, but the only pony who remembers those days is Princess Celestia, and she was a bit scant with the details. All I know is that 200 years after my day, the other earth mages were gone."

"But- whoah!"

^"And that's why you should hae been quiet. If you're nae focusing on the earth, then the earth isn't focusing on you. You're nae strong enough to hold that stance without earth magic."

"This whole 'clear your mind' shit just doesn't come naturally, man."

"I'm used to thinking."

^"And what do you think about?""

"I don't know. I never remember."

^"Nothing important, then."

"Probably not."

^"Och, we'll try something else for now then. Try talking tae your petunias."

"Hello."

^"Not like that, you silly filly. Through the earth."

"You want me to bury my face in the dirt and then talk to them?"

^"No. Use the earth magic."

"Are there any instructions for this?"

"No instructions. You'll just know."

"Holy shit!"

^"Hah! Easier than you thought it would be, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. Wow."

^"In a little while here, you might be able tae teach them tricks."

"You serious?"

^"Oh, yes."

 

~"All I'm saying is, I think a hydra would beat a manticore."

"You are out of your mind! The manticore's got that bigass stinger! All it has to do is hit the hydra once with that-"

~"No. Way. Hydras are like dragons. They've got thick hides. Here, signature."

~"Sometimes, I even let Rarity use me as a pincushion-"

"First of all, that's fucking bizarre and you should stop that. Second of all, sewing needles aren't shit compared to a manticore stinger-"

~"But the hydra is so much bigger! Ah, initials."

"So?! Manticores can fly!"

~"No they can not! Their wings are too small!"

"Your wings are too small, and you can fly!"

~"But… that's magic!"

"Exactly. It's magic."

~"I'm, like, 80% sure that manticores still can't fly, but okay, what about all those heads? Hoofprint."

~"Let's say the manticore can somehow fly. It can only fly at one of the hydra's heads at a time. And while it's doing that, the other, like, three heads are gonna eat it."

"What? Dude, a manticore is basically a giant lion, and a lion is basically a giant cat. Cats were born to smack at dangly shit. He'd be just fine."

~"That's not the way that works! Sign here."

"It totally fucking is!"

<"Are you two quite done yet? I have a rousing lesson in ballroom etiquette which I'm quite eager to share with Anonymous."

"Yeah, we're almost done here, just give us like ten more minutes."

<"Hm…"

~"Hi, Mr. The Bearded. Have I ever told you what an honor it is to be working with you?"

<"About 18 times, yes."

~"I mean, Twilight's been telling me all about you for as long as I can remember. You're basically her hero!"

<"Yes, yes, she's told me so herself."

<"Princess Anonymous, are you quite sure you are reading the things you are signing?"

"Huh? Uh, yeah. It's sort of like speed-reading, but, you know, still…"

"Spike Appreciation Day, a national holiday to celebrate the achievements of Spike the Glorious and Brave…"

"What?"

"Shit fucking damnit, Spike!"

~"Yeah, all right, all right."

<"You may want to double-check all of these papers tonight, Anonymous."

 

"Gentlemen… or, uh, gentlecolts… and ladies. The reason why I've summoned you here today is simple. Equestria needs night."

<"Good of you to use that wit of yours for helping ponies for a change, instead of inventing creative swear words."

"Yes?"

"That, genius-horse, is why I invited all of you ponies here. To figure it out."

"Well don't all jump up at once."

"Okay. History tells us that before there were alicorns in Equestria, unicorns would put their magic together to move the Sun and the Moon. Any of you super-smart sorcerers wanna tell me why I thought of this before you did?"

"Oh geez, there's a reason, isn't there?"

<"There is a reason. Even with many unicorns, it still takes ponies of great power to move the Sun and the Moon. I was once such pony, but I alone cannot bring forth the night."

"Yeah. Ponies of great power. That's why I invited the 12 most powerful unicorns I could find on the census."

"One of our missing alicorns now. Got it."

"All right, so we need hundreds of unicorns. Hell, we need thousands. I'm the damn princess, I can do that."

"So how many are we gonna need here? Again, I can get a draft going."

"Every…"

"Yeah, I get it. It's a logistical nightmare, economic suicide, and probably a pony rights crisis."

"But man. We are in for one rough summer if we can't get a little night time going. I've had a dozen farmers come to me in person to tell me they're afraid it'll kill their crops."

"Thanks."

"Starlight!"

"What? You don't even know what I'm gonna ask."

"Maybe there's some way to put a giant cover between Equestria and the Sun…"

"I knew I invited you for a reason."

"Go on…"

"Eh, that's not the worst thing in the world."

"Weatherponies are government workers, right? I can have a cheesey safety video sent out by close of business tomorrow. Get everyone nice and qualified."

"On a scale of noon to midnight, how dark are we talking here?"

"I'm down. Let's do it."

"Yo, what do you need? Contracts, grants, subsidaries, bonds? I got you fam."

"It's a fucking deal, mister."

"See that? Now that's an innovative solution! Fucking SYNERGY, dude!"

"Shut the fuck up, nerd."

 

"Oh, right. No Sunlight right now. Figures."

"Oh my fucking shit!"

"Don't you fucking touch those clouds, you cockmonger!"

"I'm gonna stick my fucking-"

"Who, Twilight?"

"Only about a dozen-"

"Your only friend."

"Oh geez, what do you want?"

"Sure."

"H-hang on, hang on. A non-pony can't legally rule Equestria."

"So, why couldn't you have made this offer at any other point during the last four years? You know, when I wasn't expected to be the only thing standing between this country and total chaos?"

"I fucking hate you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Okay I get it shut the fuck up."

"Please go away."

"Have you ever thought about using those obnoxious powers of yours for something helpful? Like finding the princesses?

"Okay. Well, in that case, I've got about three and a half hours before I have to get up tomorrow. See you never, hopefully."

"Go away."

"Get the fuck out!"

 

<"If you must know why I'm taking you to the banquet hall, Princess Anonymous, I'll tell you a small secret."

"What's that?"

<"A certain dragon told me that today is your birthday."

"Huh, I guess it is."

<"Did you forget?"

"Apparently. More importantly, there's not a ceremony for this, is there?"

<"Oh, there most certainly is."

<"No, Starswirl! No!"

"However, I took the liberty of arranging a more private celebration instead."

"Oh, thank fuck."

"Oh, geez, where are you taking me?"

"Ah! Stop it! Literally every single one of you knew me when I was a grown-ass man!"

"Uh, I guess I'd be 30 now."

<"Ha! Is that so? You don't look a day over 12! You must tell me your secret."

~"Uh, guys?"

~"A little help here?"

"That, uh, wasn't your party cannon, was it?"

 

<"Rockhoof, do you sense what I sense?"

^"That this was no mere earthquake?"

<"Indeed."

^"Aye. The mountain is crying out. Be quiet a while, all of you. Let me listen."

^"Shai-hulud."

<"I see."

"Uh, excuse me, what?"

<"Anonymous, are you familiar with the tatzlwurm?"

"The what?"

<"Never mind. The shai-hulud is the largest species of worm in the world."

"Big enough to cause that?"

<"Indeed. Were it to surface through the top of Canterlot Mountain, it could consume the city in one bite."

^"It's not likely tae do that, mind you. The great worms of the earth prefer to stay hidden."

"So, we just wait for it to go away?"

^"No. This worm could eat away at the mountain from within and cause a great collapse. He'll have to be driven away."

<"No."

"No? No?! Let's just let a big fucking worm destroy Canterlot?"

<"What I mean, Princess Anonymous, is that you must face the shai-hulud alone. Can't you feel it? There is a great destiny in the air today."

"No I can't fucking 'feel it' I'm a damn earth pony!"

^"I feel it in the earth. The creature was sent as a trial for you."

"So what, you're just gonna risk a million lives on some mystic, horseshit 'feeling'? Twilight would never have been expected to do this shit on her own! She'd go down there with all her friends and use the friendship powers or whatever."

"Oh, oh, so you're all just gonna go along with this?"

"Sure, you know what? Okay. I've been meaning to fucking die, just take me to the fucking worm."

<"Take this, and go quickly. I sense a great destiny waiting for you."

"Look man, I don't think this is a good idea. There's, what, a million ponies living in Canterlot? I don't think we should risk that over some 'great destiny' mumbo jumbo."

"Ow! What was that?"

<"It will allow me to watch over you. Should it appear as though you will fail, I will intervene."

"You're really fucking set on this, huh?"

<"The time of your testing is at hoof. You must go."

"Okay. Sure. Fine. But when I die you've gotta dye your hat pink for my funeral."

 

"Seriously?"

"Oh shit, oh fuck, oh man!"

"Come on… you… fucking… BITCH!"

 

"Princess Celestia?"

"Oh man… A-am I… dead?"

"I'm pretty sure I was plunging to my death just a moment ago."

"Some big worm was attacking Canterlot. I pushed a big rock on it, then fell down a cliff."

"No, definitely not."

"Earth magic."

"Pretty fucking big. Big enough to knock out a charging shai-hulud anyway."

"I mean, you could put it that way."

"That's, uh, pretty much what happened, yeah."

"What?"

"What?!"

"Yeah. How did you know about that?"

"Oh, that was, uh, vetoed, don't worry."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait! Before you do that, I need to ask you something."

"Where the fuck are you?"

"Yeah. I'd kind of like to find you and give you your job back."

 

Chapter V

 

"Ow."

"H-hi."

"Well, shit. How do I find my way back up now?"

"I'M DOWN HERE!"

<"I say, that wouldn't be a Royal Canterlot Voice I heard, would it?"

"Because I can't fly?"

<"I knew it! I knew your destiny was at hoof!"

"What are you on about?"

"Ow!"

"Oh, about that. See, as I was plunging all alone to certain death, I got whisked away to see Celestia. She did say something about making me an alicorn."

<"You met Princess Celestia?"

"Yeah, yeah, it was just like you said. I used a fuckton of earth magic, almost died in the process, then the Aether or whatever took me to Celestia."

"Yeah, of course. Obviously. They're all locked up in some secret chamber under that old castle in the Everfree."

"Well I assume the thing about secret chambers is, they're hard to find."

"Anyway, I'd like to head out there as soon as possible to find them."

<"What, go yourself?"

"Yeah. I'm suddenly really well-qualified for this sort of thing, aren't I?"

<"You have no idea how to cast even a single spell."

"Psshhh, but I bet I've got earth magic for days."

"Holy shit, did I do that?"

^"Now, Starswirl, old friend. It is customary for young princesses to go on quests."

"Oh, now you guys wanna help!"

<"Very well, you may go. Let us return to the castle and prepare for your departure at once."

"What's up?"

"Hey Starswirl, Celestia said the chamber she was in was a lair for 'shadow ponies.' How much immediate danger are the princesses in?"

<"Shadow ponies? Why, almost none at all."

"Let's go finish that cake Pinkie brought, at least."

 

<"Shadow ponies are the psychic remains of ponies who lived long ago."

<"Long after the body has turned to dust, and the soul has taken its final journey through the air, and memory has faded, the mind may live on, if the pony in question died in great unbalance."

"So they're ghosts?"

<"No. Ghosts are disembodied souls, and they usually possess memory as well. Shadow ponies have neither soul nor memory. They are nothing but mind."

<"Lacking memory, shadow ponies seek out the presence of the living, to bathe in their memories."

"That sounds… gross."

<"It is common for shadow ponies to abduct the living, keeping them alive in their lairs so that the shadow ponies may enjoy their memories for decades to come."

<"The princesses would be a natural target for the shadow ponies. Because they are immortal, the shadow ponies who held them would never have to abduct another living pony again. And the elder princesses have many aeons of memories to share."

<"Shadow ponies do not think in the same way that you and I do. But they are cunning, and will not want to be found by you. And should you enter their lair, they will try to keep you from leaving."

"What exactly will they do?"

<"The lore is unclear on this matter. You will have to plan your escape when you find out."

"Well that's not very hopeful, considering that they've been successfully holding four full-grown alicorns for months on end."

"Ow! Bitch!"

"No shit. I'm not used to having a six-inch bone sticking out of my head."

"But it wasn't gonna get dark."

"What the everliving fuck is that thing?"

"That fucking ugly tree-thing!"

"Another damn crystal tree-castle?"

"It looks awful! And it's taking away from the ruins!"

"Yeah, whatever. Let's just split up and find the damn princesses."

 

"Right."

"Well that's exactly the sort of thing we're looking for, isn't it?"

"That's fair."

"Huh?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Well, when you put it like that…"

"S-sorry."

"Uh, I don't think I can do that just yet. I could blast a hole in the ceiling and probably let some Sunlight down here though."

"It's a… I saw a… It was…!"

"Okay. That's fine then. Let me just…"

"What are you doing, following it?!"

"Oh, man, wait for me!"

"Shit!"

"Shit!"

"Shit shit shit shit!"

"Sounds good to me."

 

"Applejack, how long was I out for?"

"Applejack?"

"Fuck."

 

"Excuse me. Hey, yeah, you guys. Wake up, I'm here to rescue you."

"Hey, you're the one who disappeared. You tell me."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm here, Princess. Why's everyone asleep? Let's get out of here."

"Are you kidding? This place is dripping with earth magic. Can't you feel it?"

"Princess. What happened to the earth mages? 800 years ago they died out, but you never told Rockhoof why."

"I need to know."

"Not the last."

"And he trained me."

"What's up?"

"Wait…"

"I can… bring it back."

"I can bring those days back."

"I can bring earth magic back."

"Look at me. I'm a damned alicorn princess, with an earth magic cutie mark. I can bring it back."

"I'll bring it back. I promise. But you have to let me go. You have to let my friends go, too."

 

/"Who thought it would be a good idea to make Anon an alicorn?!"

"Lemme see. Starswirl the Bearded, Rockhoof, the Aether, and uh… her."

"Hey, buddy."

"Is that offer to make me human again still on the table?"

"Uh… yeah?"

"Dick licker."

"Ah! No! I never asked for this! Twilight, help me!"

/"Come on, you. We have to talk."

<"Ah, Princess Anonymous. We've been meaning to speak with you."

"Oh, hey, what's up? What do you want to talk about?"

<"Your continuing education."

"Whoah, hang on a second, dude. I brought back the real princesses. I'm done with this bullshit now."

<"The other princesses, Anonymous. Not the real princesses."

"Nope, nope, nope nope nope nope nope!"

/"Anon, I think you're old enough to take on a few responsibilities."

"B-but I'm only 30!"

^"If I heard the story correctly, lass, you seem tae hae made a promise tae some old friends of mine."

"What, the earth magic thing? I mean, I was kind of thinking that could be sort of a private venture, maybe like a few years down the line when I'm fully grown-"

"What, settled? What's settled?! I didn't settle anything!"

"No!"

"No!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"