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Bitter Tea

By Writefag_Roulette
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-01-20 14:35:48
Expiry: Never
futureanonymousprincess celestia/aie//pone/8chanalternate universe

  1. https://web.archive.org/web/20200811135218/https://8kun.top/pone/res/328244.html
  2.  
  3. Bitter Tea
  4.  
  5. Chapter One
  6.  
  7. >the horse is a bit shorter than what you assume is the typical height for a horse
  8. >it seems as though if she were standing on the floor with you, she'd only come up to about eye level with you
  9. >but, given that the horses around her seem to come up to, say, your chest at most, you'd guess she's considered a pretty tall horse around these parts
  10. >her height isn't even nearly the oddest thing about her, however
  11. >for one thing, her name is Princess Twilight Sparkle
  12. >but, you know, a horse can probably be named just about anything
  13. >but then, she's also purple
  14. >also, a long horn juts from her head, and you're pretty sure you can see wings folded up against her body
  15. >there's also that lofty throne she's perched in
  16. >most bizarre of all, of course:
  17. >"You must be the human who appeared in Ponyville this morning. It's a pleasure to meet you."
  18. "Uh..."
  19. >she talks
  20. >they all talk
  21. >the big purple one suddenly looks embarrassed
  22. >"Oh, I'm sorry. I've only ever done this once before. Nopony- er, nobody has explained anything to you yet, have they?"
  23. "Uh, no."
  24. >"Okay. That's fine. My name is Twilight Sparkle, princess of Equestria."
  25. "I know. I heard those guys in the armor say so.
  26. >"Of course. Um, what's your name?"
  27. "Anonymous."
  28. >"Oh, I see. May I call you Anon?"
  29. "Sure."
  30. >"You can call me Twilight if you like."
  31. "Okay. So, uh, what's this about explaining things?"
  32. >Twilight nods
  33. >"Of course. In short, you've arrived in another world."
  34. >she looks up and begins to mutter under her breath
  35. >"Uh, what were the things the other Anon had the hardest time with?"
  36. >and she looks back at you
  37. >"Okay. This land is called Equestria. Its inhabitants are called ponies, and yes, we can all talk. You'll find a few other creatures as well, such as griffons, dragons, buffalo, yaks, and, uh, a few others. But for the most part, the other creatures live in other countries."
  38. >she spends another moment thinking before continuing
  39. >"Ponies come in three different tribes. Earth ponies don't have wings or horns, but they're strong and good with the soil. Pegasi have wings and can fly. Unicorns have horns and can do magic. And yes, magic does exist here."
  40. >Twilight's horn glows, and a single flower poofs into existence right in front of your face
  41. >"Uh... what else? Oh. And then there's me. I'm the princess. No, there is no queen above me. Princesses have both wings and a horn. We sort of represent all three tribes. And also we're responsible for little tasks like raising the Sun and the Moon, which I understand isn't how it works in your world."
  42. >Twilight smiles
  43. >"Okay, that should be it. Wow, that was so much easier the second time around. Any questions?"
  44. >it takes you a moment to find your voice
  45. "Uh... I feel like I should have about a billion. But, uh, I can't think of any right now."
  46. >"That's okay. To be perfectly honest with you, Anon, I didn't bring you to my court solely as a matter of royal courtesy. I was hoping you'd been brought to our world for a reason."
  47. "What do you mean by that?"
  48. >"Oh you know. The universe, the prime mover, the grace of Celestia-"
  49. "Who's Celestia?"
  50. >"Ah, we'll get to that in a moment. Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
  51. "Uh, sure."
  52. >the big purple pony princess stares at you with big purple pony princess eyes
  53. >"What's your occupation?"
  54. >oh geez
  55. "You mean, like, what do I do for a living?"
  56. >she nods
  57. >"Yes. What did you do for a living on Earth?"
  58. >you're a NEET
  59. >but how can you explain that to the talking horse princess without dying of shame?
  60. >you've got to-
  61. "I'm a cop."
  62. >what?
  63. >no
  64. >why would you say that?
  65. >of all the fucking things
  66. >Twilight's eyebrowse arise in delight
  67. >"Oh! A cop! Anon told me about that once. That's, um, sort of like a guard, right?"
  68. >you're suddenly very aware of the gold-armored ponies at the foot of the throne
  69. >that armor looks very heavy
  70. "Well, you know, not like a guard so much as a, um... detective."
  71. >Twilight all but flies out of her seat
  72. >"A detective!"
  73. >oh dear
  74. "Yeah..."
  75. >"As in, someone who solves mysteries?"
  76. "Yeah. M-more like, uh, missing persons than anything major like, you know, murders and stuff."
  77. >"Missing persons..."
  78. >Twilight's mouth curls into a grin
  79. >and you know you've said precisely the wrong thing
  80. >"I knew you'd been brought to Equestria for a reason. Anon, I know this must be a difficult time for you, but how would you like a new job right now?"
  81. >all right
  82. >you should probably say no
  83. >or at least stall
  84. >tell her you need to take some time to settle in
  85. >or maybe-
  86. "Depends. How much?"
  87. >wait, no!
  88. >how is that supposed to get you out of this?
  89. >she's the ruler of an entire nation; she can obviously pay you way too much for you to turn down the job!
  90. >"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. The crown can pay you quite well. If you can do this job for me, I can get you a nice house in Canterlot and have about... say, a hundred thousand bits sent to it."
  91. >and now she's thinking
  92. >"Let's see, by what Anon told me, that's about... one million or so of your dollars? Will that do?"
  93. >one million-?!
  94. "Princess Twilight, you got yourself a deal!"
  95. >first of all
  96. >was that a fake Brooklyn accent?
  97. >second of all
  98. >shit
  99.  
  100. >Twilight leaps from her seat
  101. >and glides down to the floor next to you
  102. >"In short, Anon, the job I have for you is your specialty: Missing persons. Specifically, my predecessor."
  103. >Twilight seems to sense your next question
  104. >"Oh, uh, I forgot to mention. Pony princesses, or alicorns, don't grow old. Princess Celestia ruled Equestria for over a thousand years before turning things over to me some twenty years ago. She and her sister, Princess Luna, have been taking their ease in retirement ever since."
  105. >and she spends one split second more thinking before adding
  106. >"And no, I'm not related to either once of them in any way. I was Princess Celestia's student before becoming a princess."
  107. >and how long ago was that?
  108. >or would it be rude to ask?
  109. >"And I'm only in my forties."
  110. >ah, apparently not
  111. "Gee, it sure does seem like there's a lot I'd need to know to track down your missing princess. Maybe I should spend a little time acclimating before-"
  112. >"Oh, you're right. I'm getting sidetracked explaining basic things to you. Here, just read the handbook when you get some free time."
  113. "There's a handbook?"
  114. >Twilight's horn glows, and a thick book pops into existence in front of your face
  115. >The Newfag's Guide to Equestria, by Anonymous
  116. >"There was another human before you. He wrote this and asked me to give it to any humans who came after him."
  117. "G-gee, thanks, princess."
  118. >"Actually, you might be meeting him at some point. He ended up becoming Celestia's foster daughter."
  119. "What?!"
  120. >"Magic gets weird sometimes."
  121. >you sigh
  122. >you're officially in too deep to back out of this now
  123. >might as well get started in your new fake career as a private investigator
  124. "So, tell me about this Celestia character."
  125. >the big purple princess sighs wistfully
  126. >gets this
  127. >nostalgic look in her eyes
  128. >"Celestia... she's incredible. I've never known anypony so kind, so wise, so..."
  129. >and she chuckles
  130. >"But... you're probably more interested in what I know about her disappearance."
  131. "Yeah. Let's, uh, talk about that."
  132. >she shakes her head
  133. >"I'm afraid I can't tell you very much. Yesterday, Princess Luna arrived to tell me that she hadn't heard from her sister in months. About an hour later, I received a letter from Anon - the other Anon, that is - confirming that Celestia wasn't anywhere to be found at her retirement palace."
  134. "Just... gone? Without a trace?"
  135. >"One trace. This."
  136. >a short note poofs in front of your eyes
  137. >"I'm going home for a while. I'll see you all in a bit."
  138. >a sun-shaped stamp in the lower-right corner
  139. >"Anon found it in Celestia's bedroom."
  140. "Well, have you... checked her home?"
  141. >"Of course. I've sent scouts to search her retirement palace, this palace, and the Castle of the Two Sisters in the Everfree Forest. I've even had the remains of her parents' hometown searched. So far, not a trace."
  142. "So what did she mean by 'home?'"
  143. >"That's the question all of Equestria is asking. It's possible, of course, that she's simply hiding somewhere either here in Canterlot Castle or in the Castle of the Two Sisters."
  144. "Didn't you just say you had those checked?"
  145. >"I did. But it's the nature of old castles to be riddled with secret corridors and hidden dungeons and the like. The Castle of the Two Sisters especially. The problem is that there's just no way of knowing where to look for them without... well, knowing where to look for them."
  146. "Well who could tell me that?"
  147. >"There's two ponies you could ask. Princess Luna, of course, lived in the old castle with Celestia for many years. And old Starswirl the Bearded, their teacher, knew that castle inside and out back when it was still the Hall of the Triarchy."
  148. >clutching the Newfag's Guide, you assure yourself that you're not going to ask what a Triarchy is
  149. "And where can I find them?"
  150. >"Princess Luna's retirement palace can be found on the island of Cimmeria, just a short ferry ride from Eqeustria's eastern coast. Starswirl actually has a room right here in Canterlot Castle."
  151. "Think he'll see me?"
  152. >"Probably. Come on, I'll take you to him."
  153.  
  154. >you've deduced, based on what Twilight has told you, that Starswirl the Bearded must have been born over a thousand years ago
  155. >he certainly looks the part
  156. >an ancient, grey unicorn rocks in a creaking, grey chair
  157. >staring at a cloudy, grey sky
  158. >if he's not a princess, you're not sure how exactly he's still alive
  159. >but Twilight told you that magic gets weird sometimes
  160. >and if the ancient grey unicorn's star-spangled wizard-hat is any indication, he's intimately involved with that field
  161. >or, more likely, was
  162. >the old pony sitting before you doesn't look like he's intimately involved with anything more difficult than crossword puzzles these days
  163. >Twilight gently taps him on the shoulder
  164. >"Starswirl."
  165. >Starswirl snorts and jerks his gaze in your direction
  166. >"Princess Twilight... and Anonymous? Ah... you did cure him, then. Well... done..."
  167. >Twilight shakes her head
  168. >"No, no, this is a different Anon. He's a detective."
  169. >dark clouds gather in the old wizard pony's eyes
  170. >"A second... human? An interesting... problem. Perhaps... we may find out... how to send them... home."
  171. >Twilight smiles
  172. >"Maybe, Starswirl, but that's not what we're here for. Anon is going to ask you some questions. About Celestia."
  173. >for the first time, a spark of interest brightens Starswirl's old eyes
  174. >"Celestia... I haven't seen her in such a long time. I wonder... what's become... of her."
  175. >Twilight looks like she's starting to grow irritated
  176. >"Well, like I said yesterday, Starswirl-"
  177. >you clear your throat
  178. "Ah, Princess Twilight here tells me that Celestia has gone missing."
  179. >"Miss...ing...! But where... could she go?"
  180. "Apparently she said she was going home. I was hoping you could tell me what she meant by that."
  181. >"Going... home..."
  182. >Starswirl's eyes glaze over as they cease to see the present
  183. >and the old wizard's gaze is cast toward a forgotten sunny day, nearly eleven hundred years ago
  184.  
  185. >you are Starswirl the Bearded
  186. >for days you've journeyed from the Hall of the Triarchy to the northern reaches of Equestria
  187. >you recieved a rather intriguing letter from a pair of concerned parents in a little village called North Star
  188. >their names are...
  189. >well, by the time this Anonymous fellow comes to ask you about it, you won't remember their names
  190. >anyway, you're knocking on the door to their cottage now
  191. >a haggard young unicorn stallion opens the door and stares at you with wide, but tired, eyes
  192. >"S-Sir the Bearded? Y-you really came!"
  193. >you're about to respond in the affirmative
  194. >but you're interrupted when a flash of brilliant, golden light erupts from behind him
  195. >when you've finished blinking some sight back into your eyes, you stammer your reply
  196. "Why... why, yes. And I can see I've come just in time. May I come in?"
  197. >the stallion shows you inside
  198. >that's when you see her
  199. >a dazzling white filly with a soft pink mane
  200. >the first thing you notice is her horn
  201. >the sheer power radiating from it is incredible
  202. >and at her age?
  203. >unthinkable
  204. >the second thing you notice is her wings
  205. >wait
  206. >wings?!
  207. >you look at her horn
  208. >then at her wings
  209. "That's a remarmakable child you've got there."
  210. >currently, she's screaming at a silver mare you assume to be her mother
  211. >finally, you see the bruises that dot the filly's white coat
  212. >the mare, for her part, is covered in burns and scars
  213. "Why, you've been fighting with her!"
  214. >the filly's father looks down at his hooves
  215. >"Sir the Bearded, we are but simple unicorns, and she throws such terrible tantrums..."
  216. >the father has a share of singes and cuts as well
  217. >and the house...
  218. >scorch marks
  219. >hastily-patched holes in the walls
  220. >that fissure in the floor
  221. "Yes... yes, I see."
  222. >it's normal, of course, for parents to discipline their foals
  223. >and in the normal course of things, the foals learn to behave and the discipline ceases
  224. >because, in the normal course of things, foals can't...
  225. >do what this one can do
  226. >the filly's father speaks up over the shouting match between the foal and her mother
  227. >"Sir the Bearded, did you happen to cross a barren gorge on your way to town?"
  228. "Yes. Yes, I did. I thought it was odd that it should be so empty. Why do you ask?"
  229. >"It's no gorge. It's a crater."
  230. "A... a crater? From... her?"
  231. >"Yes."
  232. "What are you asking me to do?"
  233. >"Sir the Bearded, we are but simple unicorns. We are not great sorcerers. I fear that our home is not sufficient for Celestia. And now that her sister has been born..."
  234. "Sister?"
  235. >he nods
  236. "Is she... the same way?"
  237. >the stallion points to the far end of the one-room cottage, where a crude cradle sits
  238. >in the cradle lies a dark blue baby
  239. >like her sister, she bears both a horn and wings
  240. >"Her magic has not yet begun to manifest, but I fear for when it does."
  241. "Yes, I can imagine. Siblings fight."
  242. >the simple unicorn shudders
  243. "So you want me to take them away?"
  244. >"No. I don't. But... I need you to. They need you to."
  245. >the sound of boiling ether causes you to wheel around
  246. >the filly, Celestia, is on the verge of hurling a lethal bolt into her mother's face
  247. >bounding toward the scene, you neutralize the spell
  248. >the effort is more draining than you expected, even knowing what she's capable of
  249. >quickly, you're positioned between the combatants
  250. "Hello there, little Celestia. My name is Starswirl-"
  251. >the child's mother interrupts you
  252. >"Who are you?!"
  253. "I am Starswirl the Bearded. You sent a letter to the Triarchy regarding-"
  254. >"Oh! So you're here to take away the little Tartarus-spawn!"
  255. "N-now-"
  256. <"That's mean!"
  257. >boiling ether again
  258. >you cast a hasty shield around yourself and the child
  259. >her bolt is absorbed harmlessly, though tiringly, into the shining wall
  260. >the child's eyes are light purple
  261. >staring at you, wide with interest
  262. "As I was saying, my name is Starswirl."
  263. >she blinks
  264. >this Celestia
  265. >she can't be more than five years old
  266. <"Are you the princess?"
  267. >you smile
  268. "No. I'm the princess' helper. The chancellor's and the commander's as well."
  269. <"Oh."
  270. "Celestia, I'd like to be your helper too."
  271. <"You want to help me?"
  272. "Yes, very much so. How would you like to live in a castle with the princess?"
  273. >she gasps
  274. <"Can I?!"
  275. "Yes, and I'll teach you all about magic. You can be a very important pony when you grow up, if you want."
  276. <"Um..."
  277. "Yes?"
  278. <"Are we going now?"
  279. >there's a muffled screaming match going on beyond the shield
  280. "Yes, that might be best."
  281.  
  282. >Twilight coughs
  283. >"Um, Starswirl."
  284. >the old wizard goes on
  285. >"Oh, we ended up leaving that day. Luna too, of course. Ah..."
  286. >Twilight waves her hoof
  287. >"Starswirl!"
  288. >Starswirl blinks
  289. >"Hm... yes?"
  290. >Twilight sighs
  291. >"We've already looked in the remains of North Star. She's not there."
  292. >Starswirl looks at the princess like she's retarded
  293. >"Why, of course she's not there! I took her to the Hall of the Triarchy."
  294. >Twilight groans
  295. "So, uh, did she ever go back?"
  296. >"What, to North Star?"
  297. "Yeah."
  298. >Starswirl frowns
  299. >"No. No, I don't believe so."
  300. "Not even just to visit?"
  301. >"Visit who? Her parents?"
  302. "Yeah."
  303. >"No. No, I don't think she would have done that."
  304. >Twilight is tugging on your sleeve now
  305. "So what happened once you got to this Hall place?"
  306. >"Anon!"
  307. "Look, Miss Twilight, it seems to me that I'll need to know more about your missing princess' early life to figure out what she meant by 'going home.'"
  308. >the big purple pony stares at you with deadpan eyes
  309. "All right, sure, so I'm intersted in the story. Still, I think it'll be useful. Probably."
  310. >the princess pony rolls her eyes
  311. >"Okay, fine. I'll... be doing princess stuff. If you need me... here."
  312. >she hands you a purple medallion emblazoned with a pink star
  313. >"That symbol is good for free entrance to Canterlot Castle any time you need to see me. It's also good for free travel to anywhere in Equestria. Come see me when you're ready to move on."
  314. >with that Twilight leaves the room
  315. >and you turn back to Starswirl
  316. "All right, so, the Hall of the Triceratops or whatever."
  317.  
  318. >you are Starswirl the Bearded
  319. >back in these days, things like balloons and trains haven't been invented yet
  320. >you have to take the fillies back to the Hall on hoof
  321. >the younger one, Luna, of course, spends the whole journey on your back
  322. >you expected to have to carry little Celestia most of the way as well
  323. >but in spite of her stubby legs, the child has no trouble keeping up with you
  324. >is it possible that, in addition to horns and wings, these foals possess the strength of earth ponies as well?
  325. >you'll have to consult with Rockhoof on this matter
  326. >at any rate, it's apparent that these two are something which ponykind has never seen before
  327. >little Celestia never fails to amaze you every day
  328. >one day, it's raining
  329. >the little white filly is scowling up at the sky
  330. <"Dumb clouds! Quit raining on me!"
  331. "Now, Celestia, it doesn't pay to quarrel with nature. You're a little young, but I think I could teach you how to cast a simple-"
  332. >with a furious cry, Celestia lets loose a blinding beam of pure white light into the sky
  333. >when you can see again, a straight swath of clear blue sky extending for miles ahead has been carved out of the dark clouds above
  334. >Celestia is skipping along and humming to herself as if nothing has happened
  335. "-m-magic... umbrella..."
  336. >the biggest challenge facing you, as far as you can see
  337. >is that Celestia seems to have learned that magic temper tantrums are an effective way of getting what she wants
  338. >at this moment, you're fairly sure you can overpower her if you need to
  339. >but a year from now?
  340. >five years from now?
  341. >ten?
  342. >and what about when her sister's magic begins to manifest?
  343. >it's best to break her of the habit as soon as possible
  344. >your program begins a few days out from the Hall, at the base of the mountain that will one day be known as Canterlot Mountain
  345. >you stop beneath a rocky outcrop and take an apple from your supplies
  346. >after magically breaking it down into a fine mush, you begin to spoonfeed it to Luna
  347. >as you hoped, Celestia is soon tugging at your cloak
  348. <"Hey. Give me an apple too."
  349. "No."
  350. >ether boils as the filly begins to scowl
  351. <"I said-"
  352. >with a swish of your horn, the output of Celestia's powerful but crude magic is harmlessly redirected to the bottom of a lake you passed a little while ago
  353. >the lake is probably frothing right now
  354. >but as far as Celestia can tell, it's as though you've simply taken away her magic
  355. >this method is much less tiring than attempting to neutralize or block the tiny filly's lethal bolts
  356. >you can keep it up all day if you need to
  357. >her eyes cross as she looks up at her horn
  358. >then narrow as she frowns back at you
  359. >finally, she lets loose a "humph"
  360. >turns away from you
  361. >and lies down on the ground
  362. >you smile and give Luna a few more spoonfuls before continuing the lesson
  363. "Do you know, Celestia, that there are better ways than magic of getting what you want?"
  364. >she pretends not to hear you
  365. >but can't seem to keep her ears from perking up
  366. "Manners, for example. I might give you an apple if you ask for one politely."
  367. >she groans
  368. <"What's 'politely?'"
  369. "Why, it's when you use your 'please' and 'thank you.'"
  370. >she seems to be burying her face in her hooves now
  371. "Surely somepony has taught you your 'please' and 'thank you.'"
  372. >silence falls
  373. >Luna gets about halfway through her apple before refusing to eat more
  374. >with a soft yawn, the baby settles into the bundle of cloth you've been carrying her in
  375. >and goes to sleep
  376. >when you look up from the baby, you pretend to be surprised to see Celestia staring up at you
  377. <"Mister Starswirl..."
  378. "Yes?"
  379. <"May I please have an apple?"
  380. "Yes."
  381. >you take an apple from your bag and pass it into her magic
  382. >she returns to where she was lying and faces away from you again
  383. >but before eating her apple, she does have something to say
  384. <"Thank you."
  385.  
  386. "Ah, before we get to this Hall of the Triarchy place."
  387. >Starswirl blinks
  388. "I should probably ask. What exactly is or was the Triarchy?"
  389. >Starswirl shakes his head
  390. >"Young folks just don't seem to know anything these days."
  391. "Yeah, I know. Look, just a quick rundown."
  392. >"When the three tribes united, the princess of the unicorns, the chancellor of the earth ponies, and the commander of the pegasi ruled Equestria together for many generations."
  393. "But that changed?"
  394. >"Of course. When my students became the princesses."
  395. "Your students. Celestia and her sister, right?"
  396. >"Yes, yes."
  397. >the old wizard's eyes are glazing over again
  398. >"Yes... I wonder if Platinum knew, somehow... she didn't seem to like Celestia very much..."
  399.  
  400. >you are Starswirl the Bearded
  401. >Princess Platinum the Ninth is pounding on your chamber door
  402. >again
  403. >on your workbench sits about four straight hours of extremely delicate alchemical work
  404. >if you leave it now, you'll have to start all over again
  405. >"Starswirl!"
  406. "I don't suppose it could wait?"
  407. >"Not if you want those students of yours to go on living!"
  408. "That seems a bit harsh..."
  409. >"What?!"
  410. >you sigh
  411. "I'm coming, my princess."
  412. >when you open the door
  413. >you understand
  414. >you dip your hoof into some of the pale green goo coating the floors, walls, and ceiling of the passageway
  415. >and you give it a tentative lick
  416. "Hm. Ectoplasm."
  417. >the young princess appears vaguely as though she's about to burst a vein
  418. >Celestia, now ten years old, stands cowed behind the princess alongside her sister
  419. "Would either of you girls care to explain why the princess of all unicorns is covered in ghostly fluids?"
  420. >Celestia perks up
  421. <"I-it was my fault! All mine."
  422. >Luna's ears flatten
  423. >Celestia goes on
  424. <"I, um, wanted to practice my teleportation, and..."
  425. "And by the looks of things, you accidentally opened some sort of rift to Limbo or somesuch place."
  426. <"Uh huh."
  427. "I trust you've closed it by now."
  428. <"Yes, sir."
  429. >Princess Platinum stamps her hoof
  430. >"Starswirl! What are you going to do with them?!"
  431. "I am going to educate them, my princess, as is my charge."
  432. >the princess seems too busy scowling to speak
  433. >so much the better for you
  434. "Now, Celestia, do you remember why it is, exactly, that I've told you not to practice your magic without me?"
  435. <"The... snakes?"
  436. "Yes. The young serpents."
  437. >the princess harrumphs
  438. >"Young serpents! An apt comparison, if I ever heard one!"
  439. "Princess Platinum, I seem to recall another young filly once under my tutelage who made mistakes of a similar nature from time to time."
  440. >Princess Platinum the Ninth, Triarch to the Unicorns of Equestria, formerly a filly under your tutelage, growls
  441. >"It's not the nature I'm worried about. It's the scale. See to your students carefully, Starswirl."
  442. "I shall, Princess, thank you."
  443. >the princess storms off
  444. >Celestia's eyes grow hard
  445. <"That stupid princess! Sometimes I just want to-"
  446. >as the filly shouts, a great quantity of ether begins to boil violently on her horn
  447. >panic rises in your throat as you struggle to dissipate the uncontrolled magic
  448. >she hasn't had an outburst like this in years
  449. >you don't seem to be a match for her anymore
  450. >so instead, you neutralize about half the light in the room and cast a spell to amplify your voice
  451. "Celestia! Compose yourself!"
  452. >she flinches
  453. >and the violent magic disappears
  454. >she's looking down at the floor now
  455. >you sigh and restore the room's lighting
  456. >time to continue the lesson
  457. "Celestia. Why is it that young serpents are more dangerous than old ones?"
  458. <"They... haven't learned... to control how much venom they let out... when they bite."
  459. >you nod
  460. "And you, child, have a great deal of venom."
  461. >Celestia is a bright filly
  462. >the double-meaning of your words is not lost on her
  463. >she is utterly despondent
  464. "Now, if you wish for the princess' respect, there are ways by which you might earn it."
  465. >the filly looks up
  466. <"H-how?"
  467. >you summon a mop and bucket
  468. "You can start by cleaning up all this ectoplasm. Without magic."
  469. <"Yes, sir."
  470. "Not even telekinesis."
  471. <"Yes, sir."
  472. "Next, you can write me a, say, five page essay on the risks involved with teleportation magic."
  473. <"Yes, sir."
  474. >she's not going to like this next part
  475. "And, after that, you can write a letter of apology. To the princess."
  476. <"But-!"
  477. >angry tears waver in Celestia's eyes as she stares at you in shock
  478. >but, at length, she looks down
  479. <"Yes, sir."
  480.  
  481. >Starswirl's eyes begin to focus on the present again
  482. >"I did finish that experiment... eventually... but I can't seem to remember... what it was..."
  483. >the old unicorn lets out a long sigh
  484. >closes his eyes
  485. >and does not open them
  486. "Uh... Mr. the Bearded?"
  487. >a loud, choppy snore erupts from the old wizard's maw
  488. >you sigh
  489. "I, uh, was hoping to ask if you knew about any hiding places in that hall that Celestia might have used."
  490. >yeah
  491. >no
  492. >this guy's out cold
  493. "Well, shit."
  494. >better go find Twilight
  495. >uh
  496. >was it four lefts, a right, a hang to the middle, up two staircases, three rights, up a staircase, and a left from the room you were in earlier?
  497.  
  498. Chapter Two
  499.  
  500. >after stopping to ask for directions numerous times, you eventually find Twilight
  501. >the princess is in a room which appears to serve as a library, scanning the shelves with furrowed brows
  502. >"Done with Starswirl?"
  503. "Yeah. He fell asleep. I might have found a new angle though."
  504. >"Oh?"
  505. "You know where I could find a Princess Platinum?"
  506. >Twilight stops
  507. >and she looks at you
  508. >she looks at you like you've just said the dumbest shit she's ever heard
  509. >"Princess Platinum? From the Hearthswarming legend?"
  510. "I don't know what that is, but Starswirl was talking about a Princess Platinum that Celestia knew. I want to put her on my list of ponies to talk to before heading out of town."
  511. >Twilight's eyebrows raise
  512. >"You're talking about Princess Platinum the Ninth, last of the old unicorn princesses."
  513. "Yeah, the Ninth, I think that's what Starswirl said."
  514. >Twilight shakes her head
  515. >"I'm sorry, Anon, I may have given you the wrong impression by introducing you to Starswirl first. You see, it isn't normal for ponies who lived a thousand years ago to still be alive today. Starswirl is only here now because he spent over a millennium trapped outside of time."
  516. "Sure, but you said that princesses don't grow old."
  517. >Twilight smiles
  518. >"The old unicorn princesses were just that: unicorns. Perfectly ordinary, mortal unicorns. I'm afraid you can't talk to Platinum the Ninth."
  519. "Oh. Well..."
  520. >Twilight scratches her chin
  521. >"You might be onto something though. If you're trying to get a full picture of Celestia's early life, Platinum the Ninth's perspective could be useful."
  522. "But how am I supposed to get that?"
  523. >Twilight levitates an old book off a high shelf and places it in your hands
  524. >Notes From an Old Princess
  525. >"Equestria's first autobiography. By Platinum the Ninth. I read it once when I was younger, but I honestly don't remember it very well. Let me know if you find anything useful."
  526.  
  527. >once Twilight leaves you with the book, you pick out a desk and sit down
  528. >Platinum the Ninth's prose is flowery and melancholic
  529. >frankly, you skim over most of the beginning
  530. >to be fair, so did Platinum
  531. >born in the Everfree Grove to Princess Ruby Ring the Second
  532. >raised alongside a pegasus named Flurry Wing and an earth pony named Tapioca, future commander and chancellor respectively
  533. >cutie mark in magic at the age of ten
  534. >wait
  535. >cutie mark?
  536. >you crack out the Newfag's Guide and look that up
  537. >apparently a cutie mark is a sort of magic tramp stamp that signifies a pony's talent and overall destiny
  538. >for examples, the Newfag's Guide uses the pink star on Twilight's flank, and the sun on Celestia's
  539. >okay, good to know
  540. >back to Platinum the Ninth
  541. >it's not long before you find a passage with Celestia in it
  542. >apparently their first meeting was something of a big deal to Platinum
  543.  
  544. >you are Platinum
  545. >at the age of sixteen, you're not yet Princess Platinum the Ninth
  546. >but your mother has been steadily increasing your responsibilities, in preparation for when you are
  547. >your latest responsibility is your first royal wards
  548. >it's common for unicorn foals of special interest and unfortunate circumstances to be taken into the protection of the princess
  549. >your mother had several over the years, most of whom you regard as family, and many of whom still serve faitfully in the Hall
  550. >you're interested to meet the foals Starswirl is bringing to meet you
  551. >no, you're not interested
  552. >you're more than interested
  553. >you're excited
  554. >you're waiting in the great entrance to the Hall, heart buzzing in your chest like a hummingbird
  555. >at last, Starswirl comes trudging into the grove, one filly on his back, the other at his hooves
  556. >you can't suppress a smile as you trot out to meet them
  557. >the white unicorn filly on the ground zips this way and that, trying to take in the whole grove at once with her wide eyes
  558. >her wings buzz excitedly as she takes it all in
  559. >wait
  560. >wings?
  561. "I see you've brought my wards, Starswirl. But I wonder if I'll have to share them with Flurry Wing."
  562. >your old teacher gives you a brief bow
  563. >"They're fascinating fillies, to be sure, Platinum. Their parents are unicorns, so it seems to me that they'd fall primarily under your mother's jurisdiction."
  564. >Starswirl ruffles the white filly's mane to get her attention
  565. >"Besides, Celestia here is quite powerful. I expect her sister will be, too. I believe the most important part of their education will be teaching them to control their magic."
  566. >you smile down at Celestia
  567. "Oh? Can you levitate things already, Celestia?"
  568. >the tiny filly puffs out her chest proudly
  569. <"I beat a ursa minor."
  570. >you laugh
  571. "Did you now?"
  572. >she smiles and nods
  573. >Starswirl nods too
  574. >"She did."
  575. "Did... did she?"
  576. >"Her parents said so. After what I've seen, I believe them."
  577. >you inspect Celestia more closely
  578. >her smile is bright and warm
  579. >but behind that...
  580. >what could this filly be?
  581. "Hm..."
  582. >finally, you lunge forward
  583. >lightly tapping your nose against hers
  584. "Boop."
  585. >Celestia shrieks, falling into convulsive laughter
  586. "Right this second, Starswirl, I think the most important thing is to get these fillies into a nice, warm bath."
  587. >Celestia's laughter ceases immediately
  588. <"I-I don't like baths..."
  589. >you smile and shake your head
  590. "You haven't had a bath like this, Celestia."
  591. >the filly eyes you uncertainly
  592. "You'll like this one, I promise."
  593.  
  594. >you blink
  595. >based on what Stawswirl told you about her, you kind of expected Platinum to be more...
  596. >bitchy?
  597. >huh
  598. >in any case, it looks like she took something of a direct role in raising Celestia
  599. >maybe she caught Celestia in a good hiding place?
  600. >hm...
  601. >the next passage deals with that bath Platinum promised
  602. >should you skip it?
  603. >no, it should be fine
  604. >these horses seem to go naked all the time anyway
  605. >right?
  606.  
  607. >you are Platinum
  608. >the massive, marble bathtub is filled up to about Celestia's chest
  609. >the scented, sudsy water barely laps at the top of your cutie marks as you sit behind the filly in the tub
  610. >do you have servants who could be doing this?
  611. >of course
  612. >they're taking care of Luna, the baby, in another part of the Hall now
  613. >you levitate a bottle of fragrant oil over Celestia's head and lightly drizzle a bit of it into the soft pink hairs there
  614. "My, Celestia, what a pretty mane you have."
  615. >her wings shuffle a bit as she mumbles something you can't quite make out
  616. >you sit up on your haunches to gently massage the oil into her scalp with your hooves
  617. >the reason you're doing this yourself?
  618. >you'd like to get to know this filly
  619. >on the one hoof, she and her sister are clearly something entirely new and unknown
  620. >if half of what Starswirl says about their power is true, then their development as ponies is of the utmost importance to all of Equestria
  621. >they've been placed in your care
  622. >you're going to do everything you can to see that they grow up faithful servants of the nation
  623. >no
  624. >more than that
  625. >they're going to be good mares
  626. >because, if they're not...
  627. >well, on the other hoof, they're something very old and well-known:
  628. >a pair of unfortunate foals
  629. >the wet, white hairs of Celestia's coat betray the bruises on her hide easily
  630. >the little white filly has your fullest sympathy
  631. <"Um..."
  632. >you blink
  633. "Yes?"
  634. <"Are... are you the princess?"
  635. >you levitate a bar of soap over and begin to lather your hooves with it
  636. "I will be, someday. My mother is the princess."
  637. <"Oh."
  638. >she grunts as you begin to rub the soap suds into her mane
  639. <"Is your mother a nice pony?"
  640. "I think so."
  641. <"Oh."
  642. >you float over a pitcher of warm, pure water and pour it into the filly's mane
  643. >she flinches a bit
  644. >you begin to stroke the mixture of oil, soap, and water out of Celestia's mane with your hooves
  645. <"Are... are you..."
  646. "Hm?"
  647. <"Are you going to be my mother?"
  648. >hm
  649. >Starswirl mentioned a troubled household
  650. >better give her a somewhat political answer
  651. "Is that what you want, Celestia?"
  652. >a tiny sigh escapes her lips
  653. >you pour a bit more water into her mane
  654. <"No."
  655. >Flurry Wing loaned you a jar of the finest feather soap she could find
  656. >"Just spread it on top of her wings and rinse it out," she'd said, "Definitely don't go against the grain. I'll show you how to preen her properly later."
  657. >and so
  658. >that's what you do
  659. "Okay. You can call me Platinum."
  660. <"Okay. Platinum."
  661.  
  662. >uh
  663. >this bath scene goes on for, like, ten more pages
  664. >you're not sure if your attention span can handle that
  665. >you begin to skim again
  666. >"I fear I began to grow hard with my mother's passing."
  667. >whoah
  668. >that was fast
  669. >you make sure Celestia's name is somewhere on the page to justify jumping back into the story
  670. >and in you go
  671.  
  672. >you are Platinum
  673. >no
  674. >not anymore
  675. >you are Princess Platinum the Ninth
  676. >better get used to it
  677. >at the age of seventeen, you are not only the first of your friends to ascend to her throne
  678. >you're also the youngest triarch in Equestrian history
  679. >your friends sit in small thrones beneath you
  680. >your friends' parents sit in grand thrones on either side of you
  681. >eyeing you grimly
  682. >feeling their approaching mortality
  683. >but then, maybe you're just projecting your own feelings onto them
  684. >because, right now
  685. >seated in your mother's throne
  686. >wearing her ceremonial attire
  687. >waiting for them to place her crown on your head
  688. >you feel extremely mortal
  689. >it was Starswirl who told you how she'd been suffering from horn rot
  690. >how she'd painted her horn to hide it
  691. >your mother will go down in history as a proud mare
  692. >too proud
  693. >you wish she'd told you herself
  694. >maybe then this all wouldn't feel so...
  695. >sudden
  696. >your teacher stands at the front of the silent crowd beneath you
  697. >your ward stands beside him
  698. >you're not sure it was such a good idea for Celestia to be here
  699. >she seems a bit young to understand what's happened
  700. >the filly stands there, staring at you with awestruck eyes
  701. >you see her tug at Starswirl's cloak
  702. >you hear her break the ceremonial silence
  703. <"Starswirl! Do you think I could be the princess someday?"
  704. >murmuring
  705. >staring
  706. >pointing
  707. >dark clouds lift from Starswirl's eyes as he gently smiles and shakes his head
  708. >"Probably not, child."
  709. <"But-"
  710. >"It's time to be quiet, Celestia. You're disturbing the princess."
  711. >the child, to her credit, holds her tongue after that
  712. >and as for you
  713. >are you disturbed?
  714.  
  715. >yeah okay not super useful
  716. >skimming
  717. >skimming
  718. >Platinum spent most of her early reign dealing with an epidemic of a disease called horn rot
  719. >nasty stuff, as far as you can tell
  720. >Celestia and her sister faded to background noise as the young princess struggled with the crisis
  721. >annoying background noise
  722. >the references to them that you're seeing right now tend to follow this format:
  723. >princess is doing something important
  724. >sisters do something stupid
  725. >princess has an anyeurism
  726. >oh look, there's that story with the ectoplasm that Starswirl told you
  727. >as far as you can tell
  728. >against the realities of managing one third of Equestria's population, Platinum's early resolve to take an active role in the girls' education just sort of
  729. >died out
  730. >until...
  731. >the day Celestia got her cutie mark
  732. >you crack open the Newfag's Guide to the cutie mark page again
  733. >special talent...
  734. >general destiny...
  735. >"Sunbutt, for example, raises the sun every morning."
  736. >you close the Newfag's Guide
  737. >yeah, okay
  738. >you're guessing this was a pretty major moment in Celestia's life
  739. >it's probably worth checking out in more detail
  740.  
  741. >you are Princess Platinum the Ninth
  742. >it's finally happened
  743. >you're staring at a pitch black sky
  744. >your mages lowered the Moon with some difficulty
  745. >but the Sun
  746. >it won't come up
  747. >now that Dark Star has taken ill with horn rot
  748. >your circle of active court mages has been reduced to exactly half its original number
  749. >you started pitching in with your own not-inconsiderable power some weeks ago, after Grimoire fell ill
  750. >ushering in the Sun and Moon has been exhausting work, getting worse with each sick mage
  751. >and today
  752. >no matter how hard you all try
  753. >the power to raise the Sun just isn't there
  754. >you're not sure if the loud, choppy breaths lurching from your throat are gasps
  755. >or sobs
  756. >a bead of sweat rolls into your eye from above
  757. >it hurts
  758. >and when you open your eye again, you're greeted by the strange sensation of another drop of sweat
  759. >it falls from the corner of your eye
  760. >your glare darts this way and that around the courtyard
  761. >daring someone to say something
  762. >noone does
  763. >the small band of mages stand with heads bowed and slick with sweat
  764. >Flurry Wing and Tapioca are staring at you
  765. >just staring at you
  766. >you can't meet their gaze
  767. >so you look up
  768. >stick your chin high in the air
  769. >neck straight
  770. >withers square
  771. "I'm going to my study."
  772. >Starswirl recovers from his exhaustion quickly at that
  773. >"Princess, we can't-"
  774. >he's silenced by your icy, blue eyes
  775. >but, in a moment, he's matched your gaze
  776. >and goes on
  777. >"We cannot give up."
  778. "I know that. In this nation, pegasi create the weather, earth ponies grow the food, and unicorns provide the Sunlight which makes both of those things possible. If we cannot provide that, there is no nation."
  779. >you cast your gaze at the other triarchs
  780. "And we shall provide it."
  781. >Tapioca's shaggy facial hair doesn't twitch or shift in the slightest as he offers a deep nod
  782. >but a dam breaks in Flurry Wing's face
  783. >"Nopony said you wouldn't! Just... Platinum, don't... don't do anything rash."
  784. "Nothing rash in mind. Quite the contrary. I merely intend to find more mages for my court. Searchers shall be sent to every corner of Equestria-"
  785. <"But that could take weeks!"
  786. >who?!
  787. >ah
  788. >who else?
  789. >in characteristically dramatic fashion, Celestia descends from the high walls of the courtyard
  790. >at the age of fourteen, Celestia's horn comes up to about your forehead
  791. >at the age of fourteen, this self-sure child doesn't even have a cutie mark
  792. >for her to interrupt you like this!
  793. >you'll humble this foal yet
  794. >Celestia's younger sister comes wobbling down after her
  795. >"C-C-C-C-C-Celestia! D-d-don't do anything stupid!"
  796. "Your sister is wiser than you, Celestia. I suggest you take her advice."
  797. >Celestia smiles
  798. >smirks, almost
  799. <"I have nothing stupid in mind, my princess."
  800. >and she waits
  801. >waits for you to give her permission to speak
  802. >that devil-may-care smile on her face the whole time
  803. "You tire me, child. Come, tell me your idea."
  804. >you're not sure what you expected
  805. >but it wasn't this
  806. >Celestia
  807. >bows
  808. >it's a deep bow, her chest and nose grazing the ground
  809. >even her wings, too broad for her size, are draped out across the courtyard
  810. <"I humbly offer my services to this court... my princess."
  811. >Luna hastily and clumsily follows suit
  812. >"I-i-i-i-if you'll have us, that is."
  813. >it's no secret that you don't like these sisters
  814. >but it's also no secret that their power is great
  815. >the younger sister can be dismissed easily enough
  816. >you don't trust that she's yet learned to control her power well enough for a major undertaking like this
  817. >but the elder one
  818. >she chose the perfect moment to strike
  819. >Celestia can definitely make up for at least Dark Star, which is enough to raise the Sun
  820. >the other triarchs know this
  821. >the other triarchs need the Sun for their own ponies
  822. >and you
  823. >you're not willing to make ponies suffer
  824. >not even to humble this arrogant child
  825. >very well
  826. >if she wants to be a royal mage
  827. >then you'll put her to work
  828. "Your services are accepted, Celestia. When the mages have taken an hour to rest, you shall join them."
  829. >that's when she looks up
  830. >smiling a huge, toothy grin
  831. <"Why wait?"
  832.  
  833. >the silent library is disturbed by your sharp breath
  834. >the silent pages of Notes From an Old Princess have no response for you
  835. >you sigh
  836. >it seems kind of unlikely that Celestia would consider the Hall of the Triarchy a "home" of any sort
  837. >or, if she does, it probably has more to do with when she later took over the place with her sister
  838. >which means you should probably go and meet Princess Luna as soon as possible
  839. >still
  840. >you might as well finish the cutie mark story
  841. >it's interesting
  842.  
  843. >you are Princess Platinum the Ninth
  844. >something sticks in your throat as Celestia rises
  845. >turns away from you
  846. >and looks up at the sky
  847. >Luna is tapping at her sister's leg
  848. >"W-what are you doing?!"
  849. >Celestia's horn glows
  850. >Starswirl starts
  851. >"Celestia! You'll hurt yourself!"
  852. >Celestia's wings rise
  853. >you can't speak
  854. >more ether than you've ever seen is currently flaring on the long, alabaster horn
  855. >the child takes flight
  856. >each flap of her wings is labored
  857. >her ascent is slow
  858. >as though she's...
  859. >pulling something
  860. >and for once in your life
  861. >the murmurs
  862. >the whispers
  863. >the pointing
  864. >they cease
  865. >because what you're witnessing here today
  866. >it goes beyond mere politics
  867. >with great difficulty, something forces its way through your lips
  868. >words
  869. "Somepony..."
  870. >the sky glows a dull orange
  871. >nopony hears your whispered plea
  872. "Stop her..."
  873. >finally
  874. >like some great, bloody birth
  875. >the Sun bursts through the horizon
  876. >spilling red light across the whole firmament
  877. >and as the Sun grows higher
  878. >the light fades to a softer orange
  879. >a brighter yellow
  880. >the sky turns blue
  881. >and Celestia floats to the ground
  882. >graceful and light
  883. >like a feather
  884. >you would see, if you cared to look, that no trace of arrogance remains on the child's radiant face
  885. >but you're not looking at her face
  886. >because there
  887. >on her flank
  888. >proudly shining from the flank of this child of no tribe
  889. >the Sun
  890. >your Sun
  891. >and in this moment
  892. >you've just realized that you are the last of the old unicorn princesses
  893. >the revelation is staggering
  894. "Celestia. Child. Dear."
  895. >the full load of the Sun's magic still coursing through her hide, Celestia seems to have forgotten that she never liked you
  896. <"Yes, princess? Platinum?"
  897. "Would you wait in your chamber for a short while? I'll be with you in a moment."
  898. <"Yes, princess."
  899. >unsteady yet graceful
  900. >the lanky, teenaged goddess makes her dazed way inside
  901. >her sister, a chubby, blue cherub, hastily stumbles after her
  902. >all eyes are on you
  903. >you are obsolete at 25 years old
  904. >you imagine a young dinosaur with a cutie mark in comet-watching
  905. >it might be pointless to try and stop the comet
  906. >just the same, one must try
  907. >you nod at your guards
  908. "When they get to their chamber, ensure that they do not leave it."
  909. >Starswirl snaps himself out of the general daze first
  910. >"Princess! You cannot possibly think you can hold them!"
  911. "I don't intend to. They'll be on their way out of Equestria by noon."
  912. >Tapioca sputters
  913. >"You want to banish the girls?"
  914. >Flurry Wing gasps
  915. >"They're your wards! You swore to protect them!"
  916. "They don't need my protection. You've seen what they're capable of. No, rather, unicorns need protection from them."
  917. >you point at Tapioca
  918. "Earth ponies provide the food."
  919. >you point at Flurry Wing
  920. "Pegasi provide the weather."
  921. >you point at the yourself
  922. "And unicorns provide the Sun. It's what we contribute to Equestria. It's why I'm able to advocate for us as a triarch. It's what we do."
  923. >and you point at the Sun
  924. "If we give away our Sun to some child of no tribe, then unicorns live in vain."
  925.  
  926. >you're seated in your mother's throne
  927. >her full ceremonial garb fits you perfectly now
  928. >you've put it on today to rid yourself of something she gave you
  929. >you've wasted no time getting the formalities ready
  930. >exiling a pony isn't something you can just do with a flick of your quill
  931. >of all the tribes of ponies, unicorns have the longest tradition of rule of law
  932. >you cannot claim to be preserving your tribe while trampling on the very laws which uphold it
  933. >and besides, even if you didn't particularly like them...
  934. >there's no denying that sending two children into the wilds on their own is horrible
  935. >there's no need to make it even worse by denying them their basic rights
  936. >the girls will have a chance to argue your decision
  937. >you doubt if they'll succeed
  938. >you need to get them out of here before they can start building up support
  939. >that Celestia is ambitious by nature
  940. >if she gets it into her head that she can take your throne from you, she'll do it
  941. >your foremothers have served your tribe since before Equestria was founded
  942. >you can't say with confidence that an arrogant child of no tribe will do the same
  943. >the presence of the other triarchs beside you is purely a formality
  944. >it was decided a long time ago that the girls fall under the sole jurisdiction of the unicorn princess
  945. >you're thinking about breaking tradition to ask them to leave
  946. >you don't like the looks they're giving you
  947. >and you already broke with tradition by asking Starswirl to stay away
  948. >but you don't get the chance
  949. >the doors to the courtroom are grasped in a field of blinding ether and flung open
  950. >gone is the arrogant child of this morning
  951. >the pony that walks in has the bearing of a scornful goddess
  952. >she carries herself the way you imagine an ancient tyrant might have done
  953. >high though your throne is, she looks straight over you as she takes her even, echoing steps
  954. >her sister follows close on her hooves, trembling and glancing this way and that
  955. >Celestia doesn't bother advancing to the foot of the throne
  956. >she doesn't even bother crossing a quarter of the room
  957. >instead, she stops withing leaping distance of the door
  958. >she speaks to you in a magically-amplified voice
  959. >though you get the feeling she didn't have to cast a spell to do this
  960. <"I'm told you wanted to see me, princess."
  961. >you don't bother amplifying - or even raising - your voice
  962. "I do."
  963. >she'll have to either step closer or amplify her hearing to hear you
  964. >but she doesn't seem to do either
  965. <"Have you sent for me to induct me into your royal mages? To press me into your faithful service? To beg for my help?"
  966. "I have not."
  967. >two short blinks are all the sign of surprise that Celestia gives you
  968. <"What then?"
  969. "I have sent for you to ask you to leave."
  970. <"The Hall?"
  971. "The country."
  972. >Celestia's mouth curls into a cruel scowl
  973. <"You think you can force me to leave?"
  974. "I do not. Nevertheless, I ask."
  975. >lavender eyes lock onto yours
  976. <"You really are stupid, aren't you, Platinum?"
  977. >laughter
  978. >just
  979. >hysterical
  980. >laughter
  981. >and words are gasped between the laughs
  982. <"You don't get it, do you?"
  983. >you keep a close eye on that horn
  984. >if it lights up, there's not much you can hope for but to teleport out of the way in time
  985. <"I don't need you!"
  986. >and the laughter stops
  987. <"But you need me!"
  988. >your response is measured and precise
  989. "We'll get along without you."
  990. >she spends a long time just standing there
  991. >staring at you
  992. >whatever's going on in her head
  993. >whatever's going on in her heart
  994. >you don't see a hint of any of it
  995. >until, at last
  996. >the child's nose turns up high
  997. <"Fine. I'll go."
  998. >a breath you didn't realize you were holding makes its way out
  999. "Thank you. I'm sor-"
  1000. <"But I'm taking my Sun with me."
  1001. >there's a massive flare of blinding white ether
  1002. >and when it's gone
  1003. >the Sun no longer shines through the windows of the courtroom
  1004. >Celestia is already marching out
  1005. >haughty
  1006. >without turning around, she lobs her parting words at you
  1007. <"When you realize you need me, send somepony to come beg."
  1008. >and so
  1009. >she leaves
  1010. >but the younger sister
  1011. >she hesitates
  1012. >she looks in the direction Celestia went
  1013. >and she looks at you
  1014. >"Um... Did you want me to go too?"
  1015. >you nod
  1016. "Yes, Luna."
  1017. >"Oh... I'm sorry..."
  1018. "Don't be. You did nothing wrong."
  1019. >"Then... why...?"
  1020. >your stern mask begins, ever so slightly, to crack
  1021. "Because life is complicated. Sometimes, things have to happen that... aren't fair."
  1022. >"My sister says you're afraid of us."
  1023. "She's right."
  1024. >"Oh... Um..."
  1025. >Luna shuts her eyes tight
  1026. >and her horn gives off a bright field of silver ether
  1027. >when it's gone, rays of gentle Moonlight filter into the courtroom through the great crystal windows
  1028. >"I can't do much, but..."
  1029. "Thank you. It's lovely."
  1030. >"Do you still want me to go?"
  1031. "Yes."
  1032. >"Oh... I'm sorry..."
  1033. "Luna."
  1034. >"I know my sister can be scary sometimes, but she can be nice too."
  1035. "Luna. I think she needs you now."
  1036. >"Oh! You're right! Um... bye!"
  1037. >the child scampers out of the courtroom, apparently unaware of the crescent Moon which now adorns her flank
  1038. >your mask shatters
  1039. >you sigh
  1040. >Flurry Wing breaks her silence
  1041. >"Platinum? How are you?"
  1042. "About a thousand years old."
  1043.  
  1044. >looking up from the book, you see that moonlight is filtering in through the library windows as well
  1045. "Is that it?"
  1046. >the book goes on for a number of chapters afterward
  1047. >you sort of half-assedly skim it
  1048. >Platinum spends about a chapter angsting over her decision
  1049. >the horn rot epidemic goes away as suddenly as it came
  1050. >the unicorns are able to raise the sun on their own about a day or two after the sisters leave
  1051. >except about a day or two after that the sun starts raising itself?
  1052. >and now there's a number of chapters where Platinum angsts about having an heir
  1053. >goodness gracious, this lady went through husbands like popcorn
  1054. >she's barren as fuck
  1055. >hey, some of these "trying to get pregnant" scenes are kind of steamy
  1056. >you are not ready for talking horse erotica, definitely skipping those
  1057. >ah, here's something that's not pornographic
  1058. >she's, like, in Tapioca's room or something
  1059. >and they're, like, talking about their feelings or something
  1060. >"Eleven months later, I announced that I had adopted a sickly unicorn colt by the name of Blueblood. Let the reader deduce what she likes from this."
  1061. >holy hell what a slut
  1062. >something about a rash of monster attacks
  1063. >something about Starswirl the Bearded disappearing during one of these
  1064. >general angsting about a perceived general loss of vitality across all of Equestria
  1065. >come on, there's gotta be a scene where she makes up with Celestia somewhere in this fucking thing
  1066. >shit, man
  1067. >is it just you
  1068. >or is it tired in here?
  1069.  
  1070. Chapter Three
  1071.  
  1072. >you wake up slumped over a table in what appears to be a library
  1073. >somebody's nudging your shoulder
  1074. >turning around, you see that it's-
  1075. "Holy FUCK!"
  1076. >you're on the floor now
  1077. >the purple princess pony leans over you
  1078. >"Anon? Are you all right?"
  1079. >oh
  1080. >so that all wasn't some kind of horrible fever dream
  1081. "Yeah. I just, uh, forgot where I was."
  1082. >"Oh, I'm sorry."
  1083. >Twilight encases you in a purple glow to set you on your feet again
  1084. >"Maybe I should have given you some more time to adjust before throwing you straight onto a case."
  1085. >okay, here's your chance
  1086. >just admit that you're in over your head
  1087. >you can get out of this job
  1088. >this fake job
  1089. >this fake job which you have absolutely no business attempting
  1090. "Ah, that's fine. I was hoping to talk to Princess Luna today."
  1091. >damn that million dollar reward
  1092. >"That should be fine. I've sent her a message saying you'd probably be seeing her soon. Do you still have that seal I gave you?"
  1093. >seal?
  1094. >oh, that thing
  1095. >you produce the lavender disk from your pocket
  1096. "Yep."
  1097. >"You're good to go then. Just get on the next train to Fishmouth and take the ferry out to Cimmeria. The conductors should accept that as a ticket."
  1098. "Yeah. Can't wait."
  1099. >Twilight pokes at the book
  1100. >"Find anything interesting in here?"
  1101. "Uh, I'm not sure yet. I think I fell asleep the part where Celestia got banished."
  1102. >Twilight frowns
  1103. >"Celestia was banished? Is that how the story goes?"
  1104. "That's what the book says. I get the impression she wasn't always as kind and wise as you knew her to be."
  1105. >Twilight picks up the book and grimaces
  1106. >"You'd probably better get going soon. The next train to Fishmouth leaves in less than an hour."
  1107.  
  1108. >sitting here on this train, you finally get a chance to just think
  1109. >to just process the events of the last 24 hours or so
  1110. >and you know what?
  1111. >this is all really fucking bizarre
  1112. >like
  1113. >what the hell?
  1114. >so you wake up in a world full of, like, magical talking horses and shit
  1115. >and somehow you sperg out hard enough to convince their ruler that you're a detective
  1116. >and now you're hunting down a retired princess by asking people about thousand year-old history
  1117. >the most bizarre part?
  1118. >how remarkably NOT bizarre it all is
  1119. >these creatures speak perfectly ordinary English
  1120. >you're sitting here on a perfectly ordinary train
  1121. >you're not even getting weird looks from the locals
  1122. >if not for your wallet and the pack of cigarettes in your pocket, you could almost believe that your whole life up until yesterday was some kind of crazy fever dream
  1123. >with the Newfag's Guide to Equestria in your hand, you're able to identify things that Twilight explained to you yesterday
  1124. >the earth ponies
  1125. >the pegasi
  1126. >the unicorns
  1127. >you're able to pick out things you read about in that old book yesterday too
  1128. >most of these ponies here have cutie marks on their flanks
  1129. >here's a baker
  1130. >here's an athlete
  1131. >there, you think, might be some kind of... wizard?
  1132. >the very young ponies here have no marks on their flanks
  1133. >this helps you understand Celestia's cutie mark story a bit better
  1134. >what you read about was the moment in time when she found her place in society
  1135. >man, you wish it were that easy back home
  1136. >imagine, one day you're just some kid
  1137. >the next day, you get a magic ass tattoo telling you what you're good at and what you'll like doing
  1138. >there are probably no NEETs in Equestria
  1139. >probably no fake detectives, either
  1140. >except for one, of course
  1141. >the train tracks curve
  1142. >a window-shaped square of sunlight slides directly onto your face
  1143. >damnit
  1144. >you raise your arm and squint your eyes
  1145. >the train continues to turn
  1146. >the light slides off and into the next guy's face
  1147. >you blink some sight back into your eyes
  1148. >there are multiple pictures of Celestia in the Newfag's Guide
  1149. >like Twilight, she's tall
  1150. >broad wings and a long horn
  1151. >her mane, a faded rainbow, probably flows on that same invisible wind
  1152. >now, you're probably no judge of equine beauty standards
  1153. >but
  1154. >she's very pretty
  1155. >an earth pony stallion, with a driver's cap and bushy sideburns, like some kind of cartoon charicature of a train conductor, comes cantering into the car
  1156. >"Next stop's Fishmouth! Five minutes! All ashore who's goin' ashore!"
  1157. >geez
  1158. >this place is weird
  1159.  
  1160. >a few hours later, you're stepping off the ferry to Cimmeria
  1161. >it's a little, rocky island, with a dark, overcast sky hanging overhead
  1162. >a little village with gabled roofs extends a hundred yards or so from the docks
  1163. >it's the sort of place where folks probably say "nor'easter"
  1164. >beyond the village looms a small mountain
  1165. >more of a rocky hill, really
  1166. >a gloomy, grey castle sits atop the hill, probably built around the lighthouse which now comprises the castle's tallest tower
  1167. >that, if you understand correctly, is Princess Luna's retirement palace
  1168. >also, if you understand correctly, there's no way up to it except on foot
  1169. >better get going
  1170. >some twenty minutes later, you reach the summit of the hill
  1171. >okay, forty minutes
  1172. >seventy
  1173. >look, man, it's a fucking mountain, what do you want from me?
  1174. >ninety-one minutes and fifty-two seconds later, you reach the summit of the damn hill
  1175. >I mean mountain
  1176. >on a side note, your glutes are gonna feel GREAT tomorrow
  1177. >"Ah! You must be Anonymous. I'll be right with you."
  1178. >Princess Luna is a bit shorter than Twilight
  1179. >but she's definitely a princess pony
  1180. >at the moment, she's tending to a thriving hedge of lilac bushes
  1181. >which, given that you have yet to observe any topsoil on this island, you're going to attribute to magic of some sort
  1182. >"It's important to keep plants properly watered around here. The sea-spray dries them out quickly."
  1183. >the last drop falls from her watering can
  1184. >and she sets it down
  1185. >at last, Princess Luna looks at you
  1186. >it's an odd smile she's giving you
  1187. >it'a cool, yet nice
  1188. >like a starry night
  1189. >"It's a long journey here from Canterlot. I expect you're tired. Tell me, when's the last time you had something to eat?"
  1190. >at the mention of eating, your stomach lets loose an almighty roar
  1191. "Uh... before I woke up in your world yesterday, now that I think about it."
  1192. >Luna shakes her head
  1193. >"You must forgive Twilight for forgetting to offer you something. She's always been a very nervous pony. I expect that with my sister's disappearance, she was most anxious to get you on the case."
  1194. "Well I, uh, probably should have said something before I left. I forgot myself til you mentioned it."
  1195. >Luna nods
  1196. >"I imagine you did. You seem most determined to find my sister."
  1197. >you blink
  1198. "Do I?"
  1199. >"Yes. I watched you make your way up here. It was slow going, but you didn't stop to rest once."
  1200. "Didn't I?"
  1201. >Luna lets loose a single, ladylike giggle behind closed lips
  1202. "I'm glad that fate sent such a dedicated detective as you to help my sister, Anonymous. But come, you must eat. I'll have tea and cake ready in a moment. We may talk for a while once you've tried some."
  1203.  
  1204. >Luna's lonely palace has a melancholy air
  1205. >but it's not the same kind of melancholy as Princess Platinum's book
  1206. >this is more...
  1207. >serene
  1208. >the ancient princess takes dainty sips and small nibbles of her tea and cakes
  1209. >she follows this up with frequent, yet not overly-frequent, dabbing of her face with a handkerchief
  1210. >the pony seated across from you is a true paragon of all things mannered and cultured
  1211. >and then there's you
  1212. >you're not sure how all those crumbs ended up on your lap
  1213. >but, somehow, you're acutely aware of each and every one of them
  1214. >Luna sets her cup down, generating a light "tink", precisely measured to inoffensively get your attention
  1215. >"So, what do you think of her so far?"
  1216. >you hold up a finger
  1217. >there's about two or three cakes in your mouth that you need to finish chewing real quick
  1218. >because talking with your mouth full is rude
  1219. >see? you can be well-mannered too
  1220. >once that's done, you answer her question with a question
  1221. "What do you mean?"
  1222. >"My sister. Twilight has told me that your strategy at the moment is to learn about her life's story."
  1223. >well, that's a nice way of phrasing what you've been doing
  1224. "Uh, yeah. You could say I've been doing that."
  1225. >"So, what have you learned?"
  1226. >you scratch your head
  1227. "Um... Well, I've only gotten as far as..."
  1228. >"Yes?"
  1229. "Well, you know. That time when you... and her... were... you know. Banished."
  1230. >for the first time since you've seen her, a frown touches on Luna's lips
  1231. >"I see. Princess Platinum's account?"
  1232. "Yeah."
  1233. >"It's not an inaccurate telling of what happened."
  1234. "That's good, I guess."
  1235. >"So?"
  1236. "What?"
  1237. >"What do you think of Celestia so far?"
  1238. "Well, she seemed... I mean, I'm not sure how relevant all that is."
  1239. >"Oh?"
  1240. "I mean, you showed up in the story a few times, and you seem... pretty different from how you were back then."
  1241. >"And how was I back then?"
  1242. >she's smiling again now
  1243. "I guess you seemed... timid? Like you were always afraid of something."
  1244. >"And I don't seem that way now?"
  1245. "Well geez, no. The way you are now, you don't look like you've ever been afraid of anything."
  1246. >ever so slightly, her smile widens
  1247. >and she leans forward
  1248. >and speaks in a low voice
  1249. >"You're wrong. I'm still afraid. Even right now, I'm desperately afraid that something terrible might happen."
  1250. >you blink
  1251. "Why?"
  1252. >"I did something very bad a long time ago. But you must be the only one in Equestria who doesn't know, so I think I'll hold onto that for a little while longer."
  1253. >Princess Luna takes a precise sip from her teacup before continuing
  1254. >"Once, I spent a thousand years meditating on violence. To ensure that it never happens again, I've resolved to spend a thousand years meditating on peace."
  1255. "A thousand years? But you were only born around eleven hundred years ago."
  1256. >for just a moment, a genuinely dark look passes over Luna's face
  1257. >"Like I said, I did something very bad a long time ago. I'll keep it to myself for now."
  1258. "So what will you do after that?"
  1259. >"Hm? After what?"
  1260. "After your thousand years of meditation?"
  1261. >Luna takes another sip from her teacup
  1262. >"You are the first to ask me."
  1263. >she spends a moment thinking
  1264. >"I suppose I will return to Canterlot. I never really had my chance to rule, and Twilight should be ready to take her rest by then."
  1265. "You think Celestia was ready? To take her rest?"
  1266. >"Apparently not, judging by all the worry she's caused. Say, Anonymous, why don't you ask me some questions now?"
  1267. "Questions, right. Detective work, interviews, got it. So, uh, know any good hiding places in the old Hall of the Triarchy?"
  1268. >"The Hall of the... Ah, it's been a long time since I've heard it called that."
  1269. "Oh, you know, the, uh, Castle of the, uh..."
  1270. >"Castle of the Two Sisters. Or Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, depending on who you ask. Though I suppose ponies now just call it the old ruin in the Everfree Forest. I'm sorry, you were asking about hiding places there?"
  1271. "Yeah. Twilight said it would be a good place to start looking for your sister."
  1272. >"Mm, yes. The old Castle is home to many hidden places. There... was one such place that Celestia and I shared, when we were little."
  1273. "Remember where it was?"
  1274. >she shakes her head
  1275. >"It was a long time ago. Give me a moment and I may recall..."
  1276. >Luna frowns into the ceiling for about a minute
  1277. >and sighs
  1278. >"I have an idea, Anonymous. How about I tell you a story that happened there? I may remember its location if I speak of it for a while."
  1279. "Sounds fine to me."
  1280. >"Very well. But you must promise me something first."
  1281. "What's the promise?"
  1282. >"Before I answer your question about the hiding place, you must first answer mine about Celestia."
  1283. "What question was that again?"
  1284. >"What do you think of her?"
  1285.  
  1286. >you are Luna
  1287. >Starswirl is always telling you that you're very good at magic for a filly of five years old
  1288. >so you're not really sure how a simple teleportation spell went this wrong
  1289. >you think what you're looking at might be one of those magic doors Starswirl warned you about
  1290. >you'd close it, only it doesn't seem to have a knob
  1291. >or hinges
  1292. >or a door, really
  1293. >what it does have is clouds of icky green slime
  1294. >the clouds look like big ponies and they fly around yours and Celestia's secret room while screaming really loud
  1295. >you'd be scared of them if you weren't more scared of the princess
  1296. >as it is, you're blasting the icky slimy ponies as hard as you can with your magic, but they don't seem to care
  1297. >a whimper escapes your throat
  1298. >you are so gonna get yelled at
  1299. <"Luna!"
  1300. >ah! it's happening!
  1301. >you spin around really fast and try to block the magic door from Celestia's sight as best as you can
  1302. >which isn't very best, seeing as the door is way bigger than you
  1303. "U-um... um..."
  1304. <"Why are there ghosts all over the place?!"
  1305. "Gh-gh-gh-ghosts?!"
  1306. <"Never mind. Just step back for a second."
  1307. "Huh?"
  1308. >your big sister is charging a big spell on her horn
  1309. >and pointing it straight at you!
  1310. >you scramble out of the way
  1311. >Celestia's spell hits the magic door
  1312. >there's a really big flash of light
  1313. >and the door and the ghosts all go away
  1314. >Celestia looks at you
  1315. "U-um... um... I was practicing teleporting, and... and..."
  1316. <"And something went wrong, I can tell."
  1317. >there's icky green goo all over the room and you're really really sorry
  1318. >"Which one of you is responsible for this?!"
  1319. >you jump
  1320. >that's the princess' voice!
  1321. >it doesn't look like she's found your secret room yet
  1322. >but she sounds close
  1323. >and she's looking for you
  1324. >Celestia is thinking the same thing as you
  1325. <"Come on, we can't let her find this place."
  1326. "W-wait. U-um... um..."
  1327. <"What? Come on, we gotta hurry."
  1328. "Th-the princess said if I did one more bad thing like this she'd lock me in the dungeon!"
  1329. <"Hey, keep your voice down. She probably didn't mean that. When did she say it?"
  1330. "Yesterday."
  1331. >Celestia makes a face like she's just bitten into a lemon
  1332. <"Ooh."
  1333. >and then she thinks really hard for a second
  1334. <"Tell you what. I should have more screw-up points saved up than you."
  1335. "What's a screw-up point?"
  1336. <"It's a... well, you get them by going a while without screwing up. And you lose them by screwing up. You don't wanna run out."
  1337. "What happens when you run out?"
  1338. <"Dunno. Maybe she does lock you up in the dungeon."
  1339. "P-p-p-please don't let her..."
  1340. <"Look, let's just say, as far as the princess and Starswirl need to know, that... I let the ghosts out."
  1341. "What? B-but you didn't!"
  1342. >"I know you're around here somewhere!"
  1343. <"I know that. We're just gonna tell the princess that I did so you don't get sent to the dungeon or something."
  1344. "Um... but that's not..."
  1345. <"Yeah, whatever. Come on, just hold my hoof. We've gotta teleport out of here."
  1346.  
  1347. >"There was ectoplasm all over the Hall. And Starswirl made Celestia clean all of it up, while he let me help with some experiment he was doing. I don't quite remember what the experiment was."
  1348. "Neither did he."
  1349. >"Hm?"
  1350. "Uh, nothing."
  1351. >Luna smiles
  1352. >"Oh, of course. You would have spoken to Starswirl before coming here, wouldn't you have? Really, how is he doing these days?"
  1353. "All right, I guess."
  1354. >Luna pours herself another cup of tea
  1355. >swiftly yet gently, so as not to make a splash, she magically lowers four sugarcubes into the steaming liquid, and follows this up with precisely three seconds of rapid stirring
  1356. >finally, she takes a sip
  1357. >"Frankly, I'm surprised he still remembers that little incident. I can't see what he'd find so important about it."
  1358. >another sugarcube
  1359. >"I remember it, of course, because that was when I first began to be afraid of her. Really afraid, I mean."
  1360. >you hastily finish chewing the cake you've just stuffed into your mouth
  1361. "I don't understand. Something like that made you afraid of your sister?"
  1362. >two more sugarcubes
  1363. >holy hell, that tea must be syrup by now
  1364. >"Not my sister herself so much, I suppose. It might be better to say... I began to fear that she might be better than me."
  1365. >a smile
  1366. >"But then, I still haven't told you about that bad thing I did."
  1367. >just then, she downs everything in her teacup
  1368. >and takes a deep breath
  1369. >"Now, how about my question?"
  1370. "What do I think of her, right?"
  1371. >"Mm hm."
  1372. "I gotta say, princess, I thought I'd have an answer for you, but that story of yours changes things. I'm right back to not knowing."
  1373. >Luna's smile grows light again
  1374. >"You're not going to get an answer to your question at this rate."
  1375. "I think I've still got some time to mull it over, princess."
  1376. >"Oh?"
  1377. "I don't think you remember where that secret room was just yet."
  1378. >"Hmm... You're right, at that."
  1379. >two more cups of tea are poured
  1380. >"Here's my proposal. I'll regale you with some more of my old mare's tales until one of us comes up with an answer. Is that acceptable?"
  1381. "Acceptable? Sure. Agreeable, even."
  1382. >"In that case, let's continue the story where you last left off. My sister and I had just been sent out of Equestria, correct?"
  1383. "Uh, yeah."
  1384. >"You don't have to look so uncomfortable, Anonymous. It is - quite literally - ancient history, not a fresh wound."
  1385. "Sure, sorry."
  1386. >Luna drops a pair of sugarcubes into her fresh cup of tea
  1387. >for your own cup, you just grab one cube
  1388. >enough to make it palatable, but leaving most of the tea flavor intact
  1389. >"Now, I understand that my sister left a note before running off. Something about 'going home?'"
  1390. "Yeah."
  1391. >"As luck would have it, I happen to have a story from our journey to the north that might be of use to you."
  1392.  
  1393. >you are Luna
  1394. >for three days and three nights, your sister has led you further and further into the north
  1395. >well, one really long night followed by a regular day
  1396. >it looks like the princess worked something out after all
  1397. >you wouldn't say so to your sister, but you're glad she did
  1398. >at four hundred miles, you stopped to eat
  1399. >now, at a thousand miles, you've stopped to make camp
  1400. >someday, ponies will express shock at this claim, telling you that this would have been at least a six week journey for a full-grown stallion
  1401. >let alone for a 9 year old filly
  1402. >but just now, the most extraordinary thing about your walk so far is how tired it's made you
  1403. >the ground is cold and hard, but you fall asleep about as soon as your head touches it
  1404. >having had your cutie mark for just three days, you don't yet fully understand its implications
  1405. >it will take you some time to realize that tonight you were in Celestia's dream, and not the other way around
  1406. >you're watching your sister walk across a hard and ragged plain, much like the one you've fallen asleep in
  1407. >overhead is a wide, clear sky, with more stars than you've ever seen before
  1408. >it's the most wonderful thing you've ever seen
  1409. >there are stars so dazzling as to rival the cold crystal moon which makes the centerpiece of the arrangement
  1410. >stars which flare brilliantly as they shoot across the sky and vanish forever
  1411. >translucent locks of white light - which you now see are themselves made of many tiny stars - reach across the sky like so much spilled milk
  1412. >constellations, once merely a difficult subject of Starswirl's teachings, are now like living things above the world
  1413. >it's an enthralling sight, but it can only hold your attention for so long
  1414. >eventually, your eyes shifts back to your sister
  1415. >she, too, is staring up at the sky
  1416. >but, following her gaze, you see she's not looking at any of the pretty sights you'd liked
  1417. >her eyes are fixed on a dim point of light in the north
  1418. >though it must be a star, it flickers and sputters like a dying candle
  1419. >and Celestia is walking toward it
  1420. >just walking
  1421. >you lie there and watch her walk into the horizon til you wake up
  1422. >a bright light penetrates your eyelids, compelling you to roll over and let them flutter open
  1423. >when you turn around, Celestia is giving the Sun a hard glare
  1424. >the Sun?
  1425. "Isn't it... a little early for Sunrise?"
  1426. <"I got up early to raise it myself, before the princess' stooges could get to it."
  1427. "Oh. Okay."
  1428. <"It's my Sun, isn't it? If anypony's going to raise it, it'd better be me."
  1429. "Sure."
  1430. <"You should do the same with the Moon. It's yours, not hers."
  1431. "I-I'll think about it."
  1432. >Celestia's mouth curls into a snarl
  1433. <"You know what your problem is?"
  1434. "P-problem?!"
  1435. <"You're too passive. Always following me around like a little puppy dog. Never questioning what that stupid princess does, even when she banishes us for saving her!"
  1436. "I'm sorry."
  1437. <"Why don't you try thinking for yourself for once?!"
  1438. "Okay."
  1439. >Celestia huffs
  1440. <"We're about a day's walk from the border. But, before we go, there's a... place I want to stop at. It should be around here somewhere."
  1441. >you try thinking for yourself for once
  1442. <"Well?"
  1443. "D-do you want me to say no?"
  1444. <"I want you to say yes."
  1445. "Okay."
  1446. >she sighs
  1447. <"Never mind. Just... wait here."
  1448. >with that, Celestia soars into the sky
  1449. >higher and higher she climbs, turning all the way, as if looking for something
  1450. >when she returns to earth, she's blinking hard
  1451. >and she points to the west
  1452. <"It's this way. Come on, it won't take us long."
  1453. >it isn't long before a little village peeks into view over the horizon
  1454. >pretty soon you even find a narrow dirt road leading to it
  1455. >the road is broken near the village where it crosses over a small gorge and becomes a rotting rope-bridge
  1456. >naturally, you opt to fly over the gorge
  1457. >but Celestia takes the bridge, staring down into the thick foliage below as she slowly makes her way across
  1458. >you don't say anything as you wait for her on the other side
  1459. >but you do wish she'd hurry up
  1460. >you'd like to pass through this creepy ghost town quickly and move on to whatever it was Celestia wanted to see
  1461. >finally, she enters the village
  1462. <"It's so quiet."
  1463. "I don't like it."
  1464. <"Me neither. Come on, let's see if we can find out what happened here."
  1465. "Huh? Why?"
  1466. >she doesn't answer you
  1467. >instead she just walks on, like she's in a daze or something
  1468. >it's not til she disappears behind a ruined cottage that you realize you haven't been following her
  1469. >frantically, you remedy that
  1470. >Celestia picks up the pace when she notices one little cobblestone hut in particular
  1471. >she pokes her head in past the ruined door
  1472. <"It's empty."
  1473. "I think the whole town is. Can we go?"
  1474. >"We don't get many travellers here in North Star."
  1475. >you shriek and take to the skies
  1476. >the pony who's snuck up behind you is an old, silver unicorn mare
  1477. >well, looking at her more closely, she's not terribly old
  1478. >but there's something in the way she carries herself...
  1479. <"We're... just passing through."
  1480. >"Passing through to where, exactly?"
  1481. <"North. We're heading north."
  1482. >"Up north is clear out of Equestria. Where are you headed? Crystal Empire?"
  1483. <"Farther."
  1484. "F-farther?"
  1485. >"Nothing up past the Crystal Empire but some old, frozen ruins."
  1486. <"I know."
  1487. >"Then you girls have got a long ways to go. Can't rightly see why you'd waste time stopping here."
  1488. >Celestia goes a bit red in the face
  1489. <"Well... ma'am... you see..."
  1490. >you land on the ground next to your sister
  1491. >is... is this actually the place she wanted to see before leaving Equestria?
  1492. <"M-my sister and I... we were born here."
  1493. >"Were you?"
  1494. "Were we?"
  1495. >"Well... I've lived here my entire life, and I don't remember either one of you. And I never forget a face! Now, if you'll excuse me..."
  1496. >the old mare turns to disappear into the village
  1497. >Celestia scowls
  1498. <"Hey! Wait!"
  1499. >"Hrm? What is it?"
  1500. >and Celestia spreads her wings out wide
  1501. <"Remember many unicorns with wings?"
  1502. >"Well I... no, um... Say! You must be those fillies who got sent out of here some nine years ago. Yep, I remember. Now, if you don't mind, I'm very busy."
  1503. <"Busy doing what? Everyone is gone!"
  1504. >"Noticed that, did you?"
  1505. <"What... what happened?!"
  1506. >"Weren't you girls living with the princess? Why would you ever come back here?"
  1507. "W-we got banished."
  1508. <"Luna!"
  1509. >"Banished? So young?"
  1510. >the old mare's hard eyes grow soft
  1511. >and she doesn't look so very old anymore
  1512. >"When the horn rot came to North Star, it went hard with us."
  1513. <"So everyone...?"
  1514. >"Not everyone died, if that's what you're asking. Lots of folks did, of course, but plenty got out of town before they could get sick."
  1515. >Celestia nods
  1516. <"Um, do you know what happened to our family?"
  1517. >the old mare inhales
  1518. >"Well, young lady, I... can't rightly say I remember who your ponies were. You don't... happen to remember their names, do you?"
  1519. >Celestia frowns hard in thought for a moment
  1520. >but quickly gives it up
  1521. <"I was really little when they sent me away. I guess they were just Mother and Father to me."
  1522. >"Not... Mommy and Daddy?"
  1523. <"No. I don't remember much, but I do remember that my mother was the meanest mare I ever knew."
  1524. "Meaner than the princess?"
  1525. <"Easily."
  1526. >"Well, miss, if you don't remember your folks' names, then they sure might have gotten out of town."
  1527. <"Right."
  1528. >"And I'm sure that... wherever your mother is, she's real sorry for sending you away like that."
  1529. <"Look, you said you're very busy. I'd hate to keep you from... whatever it is that you're doing. We'll be going now."
  1530. >"Now hang on, Cel- miss. What exactly did you come home for if not to see your folks?"
  1531. <"Had a weird dream. It doesn't matter."
  1532. >something Celestia said gets your interest
  1533. >what was it?
  1534. >dream?
  1535. >dream!
  1536. "I had a weird dream, too. The North Star looked like it was about to go out."
  1537. <"What?!"
  1538. >the old mare nods
  1539. >"Well then, I suppose some dreams do come true. I'm leaving this place soon. The husband and child already went down south. Our little filly, our little Sparkling Velvet, she's real good with magic; the horn rot would have gone real hard with her."
  1540. >she taps on her horn
  1541. >"But, now that my horn rot's cleared up, I reckon I can go ahead and join them. Once I'm gone, I guess the North Star really will go out."
  1542. "You were sick?"
  1543. >"I sure was. But at some point over that long night we just had, my horn just up and cleared up, like it never had the rot at all. Life's strange like that."
  1544. <"Uh huh. Look, ma'am, we have a long way to go, so-"
  1545. >"You sure do, you sure do. Listen, girls, before you go, I think you should know..."
  1546. >the silver mare lets her sentence trail off
  1547. >Celestia doesn't prod her to finish it
  1548. "Um, what should we know?"
  1549. >"Well, I'm... I'm actually getting ready to leave town right now. I was just about to grab my things and hit the road. I just thought I should tell you..."
  1550. "Hm?"
  1551. >"Oh, I just figure you could spare yourselves a long trip by staying here in North Star. I doubt if anypony'll find you here, and I sure won't tell the princess on you. But I don't know, it's up to you."
  1552.  
  1553. >Luna frowns silently into the space above your head for a while
  1554. >you cough
  1555. "So, um, did you?"
  1556. >"Oh, goodness me, I'm sorry. I simply forgot where I was. Did I... did I what, Anonymous?"
  1557. "Did you and Celestia end up staying in that village?"
  1558. >"Oh, no, no. That old mare insisted on making some breakfast for us before we left, but when Celestia saw how little she had for her journey south, we ended up making breakfast for her from our own supplies."
  1559. >her tea stopped steaming some minutes ago
  1560. >but that doesn't stop her from trying to stir three more sugarcubes into it
  1561. >"And after that, we parted ways, never to meet again. Her to her home in the south, and us to our exile in the north."
  1562. "And the North Star went out."
  1563. >Luna smiles
  1564. >"Poetic, Anonymous, but we followed the actual North Star in the sky for a number of days after that. True to her word, Celestia led me far, far into the north. Almost to the edge of the continent."
  1565. "And what's up there?"
  1566. >"Nothing, now, save only some empty ruins. It was the same when we arrived there. But about two thousand years before that, it had been the homeland of all ponies."
  1567. "Hang on. Weren't ponies divided at first?"
  1568. >"Oh yes, yes, of course. An astute observation for one whose education in our history began just yesterday. I suppose I should say that there were three ancient homelands far to the north. And Celestia wouldn't stop til we had reached the farthest one: Unicornium."
  1569. >Luna sips her tea
  1570. >"Anonymous? What's wrong?"
  1571. "Huh?"
  1572. >"You look like something has gone wrong."
  1573. "Oh, no, uh, sorry. It's just the way you said 'Unicornium.' Made it sound like you were about to start telling a story."
  1574. >Luna smiles and shakes her head
  1575. >"I'm afraid nothing much of interest happened while we were there. Nothing I could phrase as an interesting story, anyway."
  1576. "Oh. How long were you there?"
  1577. >"Not long. Just about fifty years or so."
  1578. "Fifty years and nothing happened?"
  1579. >"Ah, not 'nothing,' so to speak. It was just all so... gradual."
  1580. "Eh, just give me a quick rundown. You know, for my notes."
  1581. >Luna blinks
  1582. >"Have you been taking notes?"
  1583. "Actually I, well, haven't. You know what, let me just make a note of that. I'll take this napkin here, and... uh, do you have a pen?"
  1584. >she smiles, and her horn glows blue
  1585. >the napkin is now embossed with the words "Buy a notebook," with a few gold coins sitting on top of it
  1586. >"There's a quaint little gift shop down in the village. I'm sure you can find a notebook with my cutie mark on it on your way back."
  1587. "Th-thanks."
  1588. >"Now, what happened in Unicornium? I suppose you could say that we began to grow apart."
  1589. "Really? Nobody else for miles around, and-"
  1590. >"Really."
  1591. >a fresh sugarbowl is teleported onto the table for further tea-ruining
  1592. >"Seeking to better understand my powers, I became nocturnal. By night I mastered the art of dreams and became intimately familiar with the moon. By day I slept. We hardly saw each other, though I gathered that Celestia spent most of her days applying her sun magic to cloud-making and food-growing."
  1593. "Sounds lonely."
  1594. >"I suppose it does. I could go months at a time without hearing a single spoken word, not even my own. Though, somehow, I didn't mind. Without Celestia leading me around by my nose all the time, I was really left to my own devices for the first time. I became myself, and I found that I rather liked the cold, the quiet, the still."
  1595. "How did your sister like it?"
  1596. >"Well, she... I don't know. She rarely speaks of those days, so perhaps she was a bit unhappy. Now, mind you, those fifty years were hardly void of stimulation. Our bodies and minds changed profoundly."
  1597. "Sure, that's all a part of growing up."
  1598. >"And fifty years of growing up is time for many changes. And at the time, we had no idea just what we were growing up into, so it was a frightening process for both of us. On that subject, we did have some discussions. I must have been around forty when Celestia first claimed we weren't growing old."
  1599. "Huh."
  1600. >"Hm?"
  1601. "It's hard to imagine you as a forty-year old. When you say you're over a thousand years old, I can look at you and that makes sense. But when you talk about being forty, I kind of imagine someone a little..."
  1602. >"Older?"
  1603. "Yeah, if that makes any sense."
  1604. >Luna smiles
  1605. >"It doesn't. But really, nothing about our lives has made sense."
  1606. >that's when her face lights up like someone stuck a lighbulb over it
  1607. >"Speaking of things that don't make sense, would you like to hear about how we returned to Equestria?"
  1608. "Sounds good to me."
  1609.  
  1610. >you are Luna
  1611. >you are sleeping in a bit of cool shade
  1612. >or, you were
  1613. >a hoof is nudging at your whithers
  1614. >it takes you a moment to find some words to speak
  1615. "Celestia? What is it?"
  1616. <"Something is wrong with the Sun. I need your help."
  1617. >cracking open one eye, you immediately percieve that something is indeed very wrong
  1618. >your nice bit of shade is leaping this way and that with dizzying speed and unpredictability
  1619. >raising your gaze to the sky, you see that the Sun is doing the same
  1620. "I see. What happened?"
  1621. <"It began darting about like that some ten minutes ago. I can't hold it still. Can you help me?"
  1622. "Of course."
  1623. <"Thank you. On my count, we shall both reach out to it with our magic and try to hold it still together."
  1624. >you stand up and eye your target
  1625. <"Three... two... one."
  1626. >combining your powers, you grasp at the Sun together
  1627. >it struggles fiercely, but at length the thrashing disk comes to a halt
  1628. >for all of a few seconds, anyway
  1629. >when the Sun breaks free, it sends a painful jolt into your horns and resumes its frantic dance
  1630. >rubbing yours, you ponder for a moment
  1631. "What a curious phenomenon."
  1632. <"It's an intolerable insult, is what it is."
  1633. "Come. Surely you don't think that the princess is challenging you after all these years."
  1634. <"She fears us. She's no doubt spent these past fifty years amassing the power to do just that: challenge us."
  1635. "Is she even still alive at this point? It's been a great many years now, and I can't seem to find her dreams as of late."
  1636. >"Alive? Boy is she ever!"
  1637. >a voice you've never heard before, not even in your nocturnal dream-excursions, booms out of nowhere
  1638. >Celestia is quick to flare her wings and horn in defiance
  1639. <"You! Is it you who challenges me?"
  1640. >"Challenge you? For what, this old dump? Yech, you can have it."
  1641. <"Who are you?!"
  1642. >"I think I'll let Platty do the introductions. Hope you don't mind my bringing her along, but I do believe she has something to say to you girls."
  1643. >a tired, old mare - easily in her seventies - materializes between you and your sister, landing hard on her rump
  1644. >"On second thought, I think I'll leave you three to catch up. I'm sure you have so much to talk about after so long apart. Toodles!"
  1645. >a silence falls over the ruins as the Moon races into the sky to join the Sun in its uncanny dance
  1646. >Celestia stares at the newcomer, unmoved and unmoving
  1647. >if Princess Platinum the Ninth is aware that your sister is now twice the height of a normal mare, she doesn't seem to care
  1648. >"What do you want?"
  1649. <"I'm waiting for something."
  1650. >"You're not likely to get it unless you say what it is. Speak, you foolish child, or turn your gaze elsewhere."
  1651. <"I told you. When you realize you need me, send somepony to come and beg."
  1652. >the old princess snorts
  1653. >"And I suppose you think I need you now. In point of fact, I don't, and I'll do no such thing."
  1654. <"Then you'd like to stay here in the barren north with us? Or maybe you'd like to make the long journey south on your own. Or perhaps, princess, you think you can defeat the monster that brought you here without my power."
  1655. >"The creature who brought me here is a thousand times more powerful than you are. You couldn't stop him if you wanted to."
  1656. >and the princess gestures at the heavens, now rapidly and randomly alternating between day and night
  1657. >"He's making a fool of you even now. What, for all your power, do you suppose you can do that I cannot?"
  1658. <"I can do many things to you, if you'd like!"
  1659. >"You're free to do so. Now that all is lost, I neither fear nor want. Good day, child."
  1660. >the old princess wobbles her way over toward
  1661. >"Luna. I always liked you the better."
  1662. "The injustice you dealt to my sister was dealt to me also. Do not think that with sly talk you may goad me into changing her mind. My sister's terms are clear and still stand. You must apologize before any assistance shall be forthcoming from us."
  1663. >the princess blinks
  1664. >then snarls
  1665. >"Are you two stupid children deaf? All. Is. Lost. I was brought to you, against my will, by a monster who wished to insult me. With or without your aid, I am finished, thus I did not come to you seeking your aid."
  1666. <"So you really mean to surrender?!"
  1667. >a powerful gust of freezing wind blows through the ruins
  1668. "Celestia, please. You're angry."
  1669. >Celestia scowls, but nods and holds her tongue
  1670. >turning to the princess, you explain
  1671. "If you really mean to stay here, I must ask that you do not antagonize my sister. Windigoes still haunt this country; you can sometimes see them at night. There is a warm current in the North Sea that makes these parts more livable than the wastes around the Crystal Empire, but if you feed the windigoes too much, we'll have to find someplace else to live."
  1672. >the princess blinks
  1673. >"Windigoes? Where... what place is this?"
  1674. "The seat of your foremothers."
  1675. >you point at the old, ruined castle with your horn
  1676. "That palace has been un-lived in since your ancestor, Platinum the First, abandoned it many years ago. However, you may find in it adequate shelter from the cold nights, should you choose to join us here in our lonely exile."
  1677. >the Moon and the Sun take turns bouncing off the horizon like foals on a bed
  1678. >"I think I'll do that."
  1679. >and so, head held high, Princess Platinum the Ninth disappears into into the old ruin
  1680.  
  1681. >you and your sister return to your normal silence
  1682. >but not to your normal solitude
  1683. >like foals, you don't leave each other's side
  1684. >you find the tree you were lying under earlier
  1685. >and you lay there together
  1686. >watching the sky
  1687. >and not speaking a word
  1688. >the heavens are far too frantic for you to know how long you've been there
  1689. >but it must be hours
  1690. >but at length, a third pony does come to lay at your other side
  1691. >you don't look to see who it is
  1692. >you know who it is
  1693. >"I suppose..."
  1694. >but her words trail off
  1695. >the Sun drops dramatically from the sky to quickly roll around the horizon for a few seconds before taking to the air once more
  1696. >"I suppose you never saw me as anything other than some mean old mare."
  1697. >"I wanted, at first, to be... there for you. But everything happened so quickly. The horn rot crisis devoured all the patience I had."
  1698. >"Mind you, this is not an excuse. I never made excuses, and I never made apologies. It's too late to start now."
  1699. >"In fact, I think I've done very well. Horn rot was only the first of many crises I had to face, and sending you away was only one of many hard decisions I was faced with."
  1700. >"The one that bothers me the most, I think, is sending Starswirl and his companions on that last mission, which they never returned from."
  1701. >"Yes, I figured you'd want to know about Starswirl. Though after so long, I'm sure you didn't expect to see him again. Just the same."
  1702. >"Monsters. Just as soon as the horn rot vanished, the monsters came like a flood. The attacks became monthly, sometimes faster. It was Starswirl's idea to gather up Equestria's heroes to fight off the horde."
  1703. >"It was thanks to him, mostly, that I never needed you."
  1704. >"But this newest monster, the one who calls himself Discord, who took me here to you, he is beyond the power of any mere pony, even you."
  1705. >"I think I understand at last. Somewhere, beyond the circles of this world, somepony really doesn't like me. After years of sending me regular catastrophes, they've finally sent something which cannot be defied. At any rate, I no longer care to defy things. I am too old now, and too sick at heart besides."
  1706. >the Sun shoots across the sky in a swift arc, sinking below the horizon before you and rising above it behind you
  1707. >it comes to a stop directly above you
  1708. >and, for a moment, the sky is absolutely still
  1709. <"Then you renounce your throne?"
  1710. >the princess scoffs
  1711. >"Is that all you have to say to me?"
  1712. <"Do you, or do you not, still lay claim to the title of princess of all unicorns?"
  1713. >"What matters it? There is no throne. There is no title. There is only Discord."
  1714. <"Answer me."
  1715. >"Oh, sure. Very well, I do. Why do you care?"
  1716. >Celestia stands up, and from where you're lying the Sun sits directly behind her head like some brilliant halo
  1717. <"Because I will go to Equestria, to the lair of Discord the mighty beast. I will challenge him. I will shout to his face: I am the mightiest! I am the mare who can make the world tremble! I am supreme!"
  1718. >the princess laughs
  1719. >"Fifty years later and you're still just an arrogant child. How dramatic! Have you been practicing something like that?"
  1720. <"No. It came to me just now."
  1721. <"There is, however, one thing I've been rehearsing to say to you, Platinum."
  1722. >at last the heavens begin to move again, the Sun and Moon both gently floating down toward the horizon
  1723. <"I'm sorry."
  1724. >with that, your sister takes wing at incredible speed
  1725. >it's not long before she's a rapidly-shrinking form in the sky
  1726. >she's headed south
  1727. >Platinum looks like a mare who's been struck in the face
  1728. >"She's really got me beat, doesn't she?"
  1729. "Hm?"
  1730. >"She apologized. Before I could."
  1731. "I thought you never made apologies."
  1732. >"That doesn't mean I never will."
  1733. "If you're in the mood to give apologies, I'd certainly like one."
  1734. >"No, no, I'm not quite ready yet."
  1735. >the Sun begins zig-zag erratically across the sky
  1736. >and the Moon follows it, close on its trail
  1737. >"But, erm, in the mean time, about your sister..."
  1738. "What about her?"
  1739. >"I think she needs you now."
  1740.  
  1741. >"Of course I followed her. I caught up to her in the wastes around the Crystal Empire, where the air is too cold to fly as high as she was. She fell, and when I found her I had to drag her into the city to recover. By the time Celestia was able to travel, Discord had made himself quite at home in Equestria."
  1742. >when Luna pauses, you realize you've been absent-mindedly tossing sugarcubes into your mouth like popcorn
  1743. >"You know, Anonymous, you could put those into your tea."
  1744. >you drop the cube in your hand back into the bowl
  1745. "Uh, well, you know, I don't like my tea overly sweet."
  1746. >"Mmmm. I don't know if you've noticed, but I do."
  1747. "Oh yeah, I've noticed."
  1748. >the princess smiles
  1749. >"I suppose you'd say I'm ruining my tea, wouldn't you?"
  1750. "Well, I wouldn't go that far."
  1751. >"It's okay. Celestia would always say so. Of course, she takes her tea with no sugar at all, completely bitter."
  1752. >Luna takes another sip of her syrup-tea
  1753. "I like a little bit. Anyway..."
  1754. >Luna blinks
  1755. >"Anyway what?"
  1756. "Well, what happened next? You're on your way back, and...?"
  1757. >"Oh, there's plenty of songs and stories about that. They're all mostly true. It's a bit of a waste of time to explain to you myself."
  1758. >another sugarcube plops into her tea
  1759. >"Besides, the Elements of Harmony..."
  1760. "The what?"
  1761. >Luna looks at you
  1762. >"Of course. You don't know."
  1763. "Sorry, I'm still-"
  1764. >"No, no, it's quite all right. In fact, I'm glad."
  1765. >you decide not to press the inquiry any further
  1766. >the princess takes a deep breath
  1767. >"I suppose a summary of Discord's defeat is in order."
  1768. >"When we reached Equestria and found Discord, my sister went immediately on the offensive. All horn, like a wild bull."
  1769. "And she saved the day?"
  1770. >"Oh no, no. Discord is much too powerful for that. A wild bull charging at a stone wall is a romantic sight. A wild bull who's just charged at a stone wall is piteous. So it was with my sister. I carried her away and we went into hiding."
  1771. >"It was old Commander Flurry Wing who found us, and told us of a tool which Starswirl had left behind before he left. The Elements of Harmony."
  1772. "Oh, and you saved the day with those."
  1773. >"Now you get the idea. Yes, together we wielded the Elements, Discord was turned to stone, and Celestia decided that we'd earned the right to... make a few demands."
  1774. >Luna frowns
  1775. >"Actually, this part of the story is usually modified a bit in the songs. I'll tell you about our... ah, coronation, if you will, in a bit more detail."
  1776.  
  1777. >you are Luna
  1778. >a mare opening a door, and expecting it to be very heavy, will push it as hard as she can
  1779. >but if she finds that the door is actually rather light, she stumbles through
  1780. >falls down on her face
  1781. >and is smacked on the rump by the door
  1782. >in short, she'll look silly
  1783. >so it is with your sister
  1784. >with half of the Elements of Harmony in her magical grasp
  1785. >with the petrified monster, Discord, looming stonily behind her
  1786. >she's just gathered the highest officials of the Hall of the Triarchy in the courtyard
  1787. >and, in a great bellowing roar, she's just demanded the right to be the sole ruler of Equestria
  1788. >she must have, you reason, been expecting some fierce opposition to this claim
  1789. >perhaps, in her own poorly-thought-out way, she was expecting to have to obliterate a pony or two
  1790. >for your part, you're horrified
  1791. >you're fully expecting to be banished from the realm once again
  1792. >what you're not expecting
  1793. >and what she's certainly not expecting
  1794. >is this
  1795. >Prince Blueblood, whom you're told is Princess Platinum's adopted son, is the first to offer a deep bow
  1796. >old Commander Flurry Wing shortly follows suit, and bids her daughter do the same
  1797. >finally - and, to your imagination it seems, somewhat begrudgingly - Chancellor Sherbert, daughter of the late Tapioca, also acquiesces to Celestia's demand
  1798. >the nobles
  1799. >the officials
  1800. >the generals
  1801. >they all follow the example of the former Triarchs
  1802. >not a word of objection is spoken
  1803. <"U-um..."
  1804. >if the hostility of the old princess only sowed bristling, bitter hostility in Celestia's heart in the past
  1805. >then this unexpected display humility and gratitude from Equestria has reduced her almost to a penitent
  1806. <"I mean, n-not necessarily the sole ruler."
  1807. >never before have you seen this side of your sister
  1808. >you've seen her rise up furiously in the face of challenges both large and small
  1809. >you've seen her grow analytic and detached in the face of tedium
  1810. >but never before had you ever dreamed...
  1811. >that the alabaster face of your sister might be tinged with pink
  1812. <"What I mean is, um, I..."
  1813. >the old commander stands up with a gentle smile
  1814. <"I would be honored... if you... and all your descendants... would continue to work closely with me. Under your original titles, of course."
  1815. >Commander Flurry Wing nods
  1816. >"That sounds fine... Princess Celestia."
  1817. >the young chancellor stands up and sighs
  1818. >"I guess that's acceptable."
  1819. >the prince, a sickly, unimposing stallion in his late 30s, stands up, but keeps his head down
  1820. >"If... if my mother assents... whenever she's found."
  1821. <"Your mother... the princess! Of course! Somepony... somepony dispatch couriers to the north at once! Discord sent her to the ruins of Unicornium!"
  1822. >a number of unicorn guards and officials jump at the news, vow to go themselves, and disappear from the crowd
  1823. <"In the meanwhile, Prince Blueblood, about your mother..."
  1824. >"Wh-what about her?"
  1825. >Celestia frowns like one who must choose one out of a thousand things to say
  1826. <"Well, no matter what she says, you and your descendants shall always be welcome in my court."
  1827. >and as your sister prattles on with the former triarchs, you realize something:
  1828. >namely, that you'd like some of this attention for yourself
  1829. >after all, you did do at least half the work
  1830. >you step up to Celestia's side and subtly cough into your hoof
  1831. >and she wheels around to face you
  1832. <"And Luna! Of course! I wouldn't be here without you! We... we can be princesses together!"
  1833. >you smile
  1834. "Naturally. Somepony has to be the reasonable one."
  1835.  
  1836. >"Oh, what can I say? We were so young back then, practically little fillies compared to how old we are now. And every little filly wants to be a princess."
  1837. >Luna pours herself another cup of tea
  1838. >"Anyway, Princess Platinum sent word that she wished to remain in Unicornium, and most of her personal attendants and guards joined her there. She sent that book maybe a... year or so later? Blueblood was somewhat shaken by something in it, though I can't quite remember what..."
  1839. "Oh, well, you know, that was a long time ago."
  1840. >"Yes, indeed it was."
  1841. >Luna's eyes widen
  1842. >"I've got it!"
  1843. "Huh?"
  1844. >"Our secret room. I remember where it is now."
  1845. "Oh, nice. Where is it?"
  1846. >but the princess' smile grows coy
  1847. >"Ah, I believe you owe me something first."
  1848. "Oh right. My opinion."
  1849. >"Mmmhm~"
  1850. >geez, she loves watching you squirm
  1851. "Well, to be honest, your sister's a little hard to pin down. I mean, the first thing Princess Twilight told me was that Celestia was all kind and wise and whatnot. And looking at her photo, I could believe that."
  1852. "But to actually hear these stories about her, she seems kind of... I dunno."
  1853. >Luna leans forward
  1854. "I mean, no offense, but I've been wondering if she's just selfish, arrogant, or just mad all the time. But I don't know, maybe everyone's just like that when they're kids."
  1855. "After all, the way that last story ends makes me wonder if that was the beginning of that nice gentle Princess Celestia that Princess Twilight knew about a thousand years later."
  1856. >you scratch your head
  1857. "Maybe I should hear some more about her before making a judgment like that."
  1858. >Luna's smile falters
  1859. >"Well... maybe later. How she seems so far is fine for now."
  1860. "All right. Uh, don't vaporize me for this, but I guess she seems kind of... resentful? Maybe that's why she just up and disappeared without telling anyone."
  1861. >Luna's head tilts
  1862. "No, no no no no. That's not right. I mean, sure, she seemed to resent that old princess, but anyone would resent being treated like some kind of monster."
  1863. >you groan
  1864. "All right. Final answer, coming right up. You're gonna think it's boring."
  1865. >and, for the first time since you've been here, the dusky princess looks at you with neither a gentle smirk nor a defensive frown
  1866. >rather, she's wide-eyed and all-ears with genuine interest
  1867. >"I'm sure I won't."
  1868. "All right. You asked for it. In my professional opinion, Princess Celestia seems very... normal."
  1869. >something like delight flashes across Princess Luna's face
  1870. >"You'd look at an ageless being of unimaginable power, whom some ponies have referred to as a "goddess," and call her... normal?"
  1871. "Well, I... guess so. Sorry if it's not what you were hoping for."
  1872. >"No, no, don't be. It's the most interesting thing I've heard in a long time."
  1873. >her coy little grin returns to her lips
  1874. >"Frankly, I think it's the surest sign there is that you're the right detective for the job. Even if you are a fake."
  1875. >uh...
  1876. "Uh..."
  1877. >"Uh?"
  1878. "F-fake? What... what gave you that idea?"
  1879. >"Oh, please. A detective who's come even this far without writing a single thing down? I was born centuries before detectives would even exist, and even I don't buy that."
  1880. "I've got a... very good memory."
  1881. >"What did you have for breakfast yesterday?"
  1882. >uh...
  1883. "Uh..."
  1884. >"If what you told me on your arrival here was correct, I believe the answer is: you didn't."
  1885. "Did I say that?"
  1886. >Luna giggles briefly
  1887. >"I'll do you a favor, Anonymous. I'll put the instructions to the secret room on that napkin, right next to the note about buying a notebook."
  1888. "Ah, thanks."
  1889. >"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Like I said, I think you'll find her anyway. After all, if she of all ponies is your idea of normal, you must have something in common with her."
  1890. "Well, Princess..."
  1891. >you pocket the napkin and the coins and stand up
  1892. "Thanks for everything. Guess I'll check out that room now."
  1893. >"Ah, wait, Anonymous. There is... one more event from our early lives I could tell you about."
  1894. "Well, I guess I could-"
  1895. >but some impulse stops you
  1896. "Now, Princess... if you're a little over 1100 now, and you're a little under 60 where we left off, that leaves us somewhat under 40 years before that... thing you didn't want to talk about happens."
  1897. >there's no trace of mirth on Luna's face now
  1898. >"The bad thing, yes. I take back mocking your memory."
  1899. "If that's what you were going to tell me about, forget it. I'm good."
  1900. >Luna blinks
  1901. >"Are you... are you sure? You'll find out eventually. Even if you dropped the search right now, you'd find out."
  1902. "Princess, I..."
  1903. >you offer the princess the first smile you've had since waking up in this bizarre horse world
  1904. "I'll let you hold on to it for a little while longer."
  1905.  
  1906. Chapter Three
  1907.  
  1908. >turns out, this old castle place you wanted to check out is in a place called the Everfree Forest
  1909. >turns out, this Everfree Forest place is right next to a place called Ponyville
  1910. >turns out, Ponyville is right where you woke up just the other day
  1911. >stepping off the train to Ponyville, you take a furtive look around
  1912. >the coast is clear
  1913. >now, if you can just get to the forest without meeting-
  1914. >"Anon! You're back!"
  1915. >based on the bags under her eyes and the kid clinging to her neck, you'd guess she's in her late 30s, early 40s
  1916. >based on her hyper-activity and fondness for bothering complete strangers, you'd guess she's about...
  1917. >seven
  1918. >uh, what was her name again?
  1919. "Oh, hey... Ponka?"
  1920. >Ponka scowls
  1921. >"Geez, do all Anons have a problem with my name or something?"
  1922. "Huh?"
  1923. >from nowhere, the pink horse procures a pair of spectacles and a four-cornered scholar's cap
  1924. >"Repeat after me. Peen."
  1925. "What?"
  1926. >"REPEAT AFTER ME!"
  1927. "Uh, P-Peen..."
  1928. >"Kee."
  1929. "Kee..."
  1930. >"Pai."
  1931. "Pai."
  1932. >she smiles
  1933. >"Pinkie Pie!"
  1934. "Right. You're... Pinkie Pie."
  1935. >"And don't you forget it!"
  1936. "I sure won't, miss Po. Uh, Pie. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
  1937. >"So what brings you back in town?"
  1938. "Well, I'm, uh, on a mission for the princess. Very urgent stuff. Definitely gotta go right now."
  1939. >"Ooh! Which princess? You mean Twilight! She's, like, my best friend in the whole world! I could tell you SO many embarrasing stories about her from when she was my height! This one time, she-"
  1940. "That's nice, I really should get going."
  1941. >"What's the mission? Is it a secret mission? Would you have to kill me if you told me? Don't tell me if you'd have to kill me. Actually, tell me anyway, I can't take it anymore!"
  1942. "No, it's nothing crazy like that. I've just been looking around for Princess Celestia."
  1943. >Pinkie Pie gasps
  1944. >"And you think she's HERE, in PONYVILLE?"
  1945. "I was just gonna go check out that old castle in the woods."
  1946. >"Oh! That's a good spot! There are SO many good hiding places there!"
  1947. "That's what I've heard. Now, if you'll just excuse me for a bit..."
  1948. >"Got it! Secret mission! Don't wanna hold you up! See you later!"
  1949. "Yup. See you around."
  1950. >"Oh, wait, before you go! If you don't find her there, come find Pumpkin Cake at Sugarcube Corner! She's back from college in Canterlot for the summer, and she knows EVERYTHING about Princess Celestia and I mean EVERYTHING! Did you know that Princess Celestia likes..."
  1951. >while Ponka Po is distracted by her rant, you slip out of the train station
  1952. >you identify a wall of trees just outside of town
  1953. >and you fucking run
  1954.  
  1955. >those woods sure seemed needlessly spooky
  1956. >but no matter, you arrived at the castle un-spooked
  1957. >honestly, the castle seems needlessly spooky too
  1958. "So this is where it all happened, huh?"
  1959. >"So this is where it all happened, huh?"
  1960. >the voice, a perfect mimic of your own, comes from the woods somewhere behind you
  1961. >nope
  1962. >nope nope nope nope nope
  1963. >you nope your way inside of the castle at top speed, slamming the rotting - yet still heavy - door shut behind you
  1964. "Holy BALLS this place is spooky."
  1965. >at any rate, it doesn't seem like anything followed you in
  1966. >you sigh
  1967. >you did manage to pick up a notebook on your way out of Cimmeria
  1968. >it's nice and pocket-sized
  1969. >and it does indeed have Princess Luna's cutie mark on it
  1970. >you open it up and skim through some of the notes you took
  1971. >one of these notes is a copy of the princess' directions to the secret room
  1972. >and so, intrepidly - or is it with great trepidation? - you venture into the dim ruins
  1973. >just three rights, go straight, keep to the left, up one staircase, two lefts, through the pointed arch, straight to the end of the passage with the portrait of Princess Ruby Ring the First
  1974. >uh, hang on, it's kind of dark in here
  1975. >is that a 1 or a 7?
  1976. >and did Luna's instructions account for that crumbled pillar in your way?
  1977. >anyway, it takes a while
  1978. >but eventually you do stumble across a portrait of a red-maned unicorn smiling sweetly from the walls
  1979. >and Luna did mention that Ruby Ring the First was otherwise known as "Ruby, the Sweet and Innocent"
  1980. >one way to find out
  1981. >your hand finds a bronze torch on the wall
  1982. >and pulls
  1983. >the torch slides out easily, and slides back in on its own with an old, rusty ratcheting sound
  1984. >an ancient rumbling sound cries out from the wall as mechanisms which have slept for centuries are suddenly put back to work
  1985. >a portion of the wall jerks backward, and sluggishly slides off to the right
  1986. >the ensuing dust-storm, in addition to sending you into a spastic coughing fit, tells you beyond a doubt that whatever search parties came through here never found this door
  1987. >you grin
  1988. "Guess I found it."
  1989. >"Wow... So this is where the famous ectoplasm incident happened!"
  1990. "It sure is."
  1991. >wait
  1992. >hang on
  1993. >just a fucking second here
  1994. >something isn't right...
  1995. >you execute a rapid about-face
  1996. "Who the fuck are you?!"
  1997.  
  1998. >a yellow unicorn mare wearing a fanny-pack and a nervous grin looks at you
  1999. >"H-hi, you must be- I mean, um, I just happened to be in the area and heard that noise."
  2000. "And you just happened to recognize exactly what I was looking for?"
  2001. >the pony looks down for a moment
  2002. >but looks back up
  2003. >"Well, I mean, um, the ectoplasm incident is considered apocryphal, but this passage does seem to fit the description of the entrance to the secret room described in the story."
  2004. "You sure use a lot of big words for a stalker."
  2005. >she shakes her head vigorously
  2006. >"No! I'm... I'm Pumpkin Cake. Um... My friend told me there was somepony looking for Princess Celestia here."
  2007. >huh?
  2008. >you didn't tell anyone you were coming straight here
  2009. >except maybe Princess Luna
  2010. >and...
  2011. "Oh. You must know that pink pony."
  2012. >for perhaps the first time since setting foot in the woods, your guard comes down
  2013. >Pumpkin Cake nods
  2014. >"Yeah. Pinkie Pie."
  2015. >and she frowns
  2016. >"But she said it was a secret mission, and she made me pinkie promise not to tell anypony she told me."
  2017. "It's fine. It's not that secret."
  2018. >"Oh. Okay."
  2019. >but the little pony remains despondent
  2020. >for fuck's sake
  2021. "Tell you what. I'll pinkie promise not to tell Pinka that you said anything to me."
  2022. >"Really?"
  2023. "Yeah, totally. Come on."
  2024. >you hold out your hand, pinkie finger extended
  2025. >but the young mare ignores it, and proceeds to flail her hooves around while reciting some kind of esoteric chant
  2026. "What the hell are you doing?"
  2027. >"I'm doing the pinkie promise. What are you doing?"
  2028. "Holding out my pinkie?"
  2029. >tentatively, Pumpkin Cake raises a hoof
  2030. >"That thing?"
  2031. >and she pokes your little finger
  2032. >good enough for you
  2033. "There. Now we're good. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta investigate that room."
  2034. >you turn around and proceed down the dim, hidden passageway
  2035. >as you get closer to the end, you begin to make out a simple wooden door
  2036. >you also begin to prickle with the sensation of puppy-dog eyes boring into your back
  2037. >Pumpkin Cake is hesitating at the threshold of the passageway
  2038. >is it just Ponyville ponies who are annoying as all hell?
  2039. "You can follow me in if you want, Miss Cake."
  2040. >"I do want... I mean, um, thanks!"
  2041. >the sound of clipping hooves echoes through the walls behind you
  2042. >but you're focused on the door in front of you
  2043. >hopefully this bizarre fake job is almost over
  2044. >all you need is for Celestia to be behind that door
  2045.  
  2046. >so Celestia's not behind the door
  2047. >remember that dust that showed no searchers had been through lately?
  2048. >well it also showed that nobody had been through lately
  2049. >including your missing person
  2050. >go figure
  2051. "Well, shit."
  2052. >you pick out a wall to lean on
  2053. >and you slide down onto your ass
  2054. "Gotta go back through those spooky old woods now."
  2055. >Pumpkin Cake treads in behind you
  2056. >"You're not gonna search the rest of the castle?"
  2057. "Nah. Princess Twilight said searchers had already been through here. But Princess Luna remembered this secret room and I figured I'd check it out."
  2058. >"Princess Luna actually confirmed something about Celestial history? You're so lucky."
  2059. "Huh? Does she normally not do that?"
  2060. >"Neither one of the princesses do. They just say they don't like to talk about it. And since modern historians are always debating the accuracy of the ancient sources, nothing is known about those days with any certainty."
  2061. "Huh. Princess Luna said it was all mostly accurate."
  2062. >she scowls
  2063. >"How did you get involved in the search anyways? You sound like you only just heard of Princess Celestia last week."
  2064. "Two days ago, actually, right when Princess Twilight told me to go look for her. She said it was destiny or something."
  2065. >"Destiny? What, because you came from another world?"
  2066. "What gave me away?"
  2067. >"Pinkie Pie told me you were an Anon. There used to be another Anon living in Ponyville when I was really little, and he always said he was from another world."
  2068. >an Anon?
  2069. >you allow yourself a smile
  2070. "My name's Anon. My species is human. I just happen to have the same name as the other guy."
  2071. >"Have you met him yet? He ended up becoming Princess Celestia's foster daughter."
  2072. "Do you have any idea how bizarre that statement is to me?"
  2073. >"Sorry. Magic is kind of bizarre."
  2074. "So I've heard. In any case I haven't met him yet. Guess I'll have to now."
  2075. >"Um, if you don't mind me asking, what all have you learned about Celestia so far?"
  2076. "Not much. The way it's worked out, I've just been learning about her early life as it happened. I just left off at the part where she became a princess."
  2077. >"Oh, you're SO lucky! I wish I could have learned Celestia's life that way, starting at the beginning. AND you'll probably go down in Celestial history books if you find her."
  2078. "You sure seem to be quite the history buff for a girl with a cake on her butt."
  2079. >"Well, I... I'm majoring in culinary science right now. But I've also been taking classes in Celestial history. I've just always been SO fascinated with her!"
  2080. "I've got an idea, Miss Cake."
  2081. >"What's that?"
  2082. "If I'm going down in the history books, you can go down with me."
  2083. >"Huh?"
  2084. "Like I said, I don't know too much about Celestia. Why don't you fill me in some? You might end up giving me just the hint I need to crack the case."
  2085. >Pumpkin Cake's eyes grow wide
  2086. >"S-sure! I've got some books with me. Oh, you haven't even gotten to my favorite part yet!"
  2087. >she sets her fanny-pack thing on the floor and lies down on her belly in front of you
  2088. >with magic, she pulls out a big book and lays it down open between the two of you
  2089. >"Okay, so the Pre-Nightmare Moon Era lasted a bit over forty years; it's my favorite Celestial Period."
  2090. "Sounds interesting. One quick question though."
  2091. >"Yeah?"
  2092. "What's a Nightmare Moon?"
  2093. >"Didn't you talk to Princess Luna already?"
  2094. "Yeah."
  2095. >"Huh. Wonder why she didn't bring it up."
  2096. >Pumpkin Cake rummages another book out of her bag and lays it open to a picture of a menacing, black princess pony
  2097. >"The Nightmare Moon Incident was the single biggest turning point in Celestial History right up until Celestia's retirement. Princess Luna went crazy-"
  2098. >oh
  2099. >so that's the bad thing
  2100. >"Anon?"
  2101. >you blink
  2102. "Yeah, yeah, uh, I think I get the idea for now. Let's just pick up at the Pre-Nightmare Moon Era."
  2103. >she nods vigorously
  2104. >"All right. Check this out."
  2105. >Pumpkin Cake gestures at the first book with her snout
  2106. "Whoah."
  2107. >"I know, right?"
  2108. >it's an illustration of Celestia all right
  2109. >but it almost doesn't look like the photos from the Newfag's Guide at all
  2110. >a massive, golden crown - wrought in the image of a dozen four-foot sunbeams - adorns the ancient monarch's head
  2111. >a shining, intricate harness delicately crisscrosses its way across her entire body, legs, and flared-out wings
  2112. >a terrible, burning ruby sits within a fine ring that's been slipped over her long horn
  2113. >and over it all, a wispy shawl of ivory silk blows carelessly yet elegantly
  2114. "Damn swanky."
  2115. >"You have no idea. She had every surface of the old Hall covered in gold leaf and renamed it after herself and her sister. Of course, most of the gold's been rubbed off or stolen by now."
  2116. >you look around at the dingy stone walls
  2117. "Huh."
  2118. >"Equestria thrived. Celestia implemented bold social reforms like pressing for mass-literacy and more effective cures for diseases like horn rot. Monster attacks and rebellions, which had plagued the last of the Triarchs, rarely took more than a day for her to put down. Back then, she was just so..."
  2119. >the little unicorn sighs wistfully
  2120. "But now she's not?"
  2121. >"Something changed after the Nightmare Moon Incident."
  2122. >she flips the page in the first book
  2123. >"That's a period portrait of Pre-Nightmare Moon Luna."
  2124. "Whoah."
  2125. >"I know."
  2126. >the Luna in the picture is short, dark, and gloomy
  2127. >beyond a simple black tiara, the only thing she's wearing is a scowl
  2128. >Pumpkin Cake reads a line from the second book
  2129. >"The jealousy in the young one's heart transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon."
  2130. >you look at the picture of the scary black pony in the second book
  2131. "But what could she have been so jealous of that she turned into that?"
  2132. >"She doesn't say to any modern historians, but tradition says it was because ponies appreciated the day more than the night."
  2133. "Huh."
  2134. >you flip back a page in the first book
  2135. >back to that incredible portrait of Celestia
  2136. "Well, what happened with her?"
  2137. >"One day she rose the moon and wouldn't let Celestia raise the sun. There was a fight. It only lasted a few minutes, but once it was over, Nightmare Moon was imprisoned on the moon, and Celestia would never use the Elements of Harmony again."
  2138. "And, let me guess..."
  2139. >you point at the picture of Celestia
  2140. "She never wore anything like this again either, did she?"
  2141. >Pumpkin Cake shakes her head
  2142. "But Luna came back, right?"
  2143. >"Sure, sure. As Nightmare Moon. Twilight Sparkle was entrusted with the Elements of Harmony, used them to set Luna's mind straight, and the next three years or so were very interesting. In Celestial history, we call that the Pre-Retirement Period."
  2144. "So three years after Luna came back, Celestia made Twilight a princess and gave up the job."
  2145. >"Pretty much."
  2146. "Know who I can talk to about those three years?"
  2147. >Pumpkin Cake frowns
  2148. >"Don't you want to hear about the thousand years that happened in-between?"
  2149. "I'll get a hold of you if I think I need it, Pumpkin. You've been a big help, really. I've just got a feeling I might find something useful in the years leading up to her retirement."
  2150. >"Well, um, you said you'd spoken to Princess Twilight already. Why don't you just ask her?"
  2151. "That..."
  2152. >you stand up
  2153. "...Is a fantastic idea."
  2154. >forgetting to so much as say goodbye, you walk off
  2155. >but Pumpkin comes running after you
  2156. >"W-wait, you shouldn't just go walking through the forest like that, it's not safe!"
  2157.  
  2158. >upon emerging from the Everfree Forest with Pumpkin Cake, you're ambushed by Pinko Prr
  2159. >"So... how'd it go?"
  2160. >you get over your heart attack fairly quickly
  2161. "She, uh, wasn't there. But I think I might have learned something useful anyway."
  2162. >Pronky scoffs
  2163. >"Not that, silly head!"
  2164. "Then what?"
  2165. >"Pumpkin Cake, what else?"
  2166. >Pumpkin Cake groans in eternal agony
  2167. "Huh?"
  2168. >Proxy leans in conspiratorially
  2169. >"She always tells the colts around here that she's got a special somepony in Canterlot. Just between you and me, I think she'll tell you something different."
  2170. >Pumpkin Cake stamps her hoof
  2171. >"Auntie Pinkie Pie!"
  2172. >a shouting match ensues, with Pumpkin Cake saying something to the effect of "it's my life," Ponka Po saying something to the effect of "but your biological clock," and neither one of them listening to the other at all
  2173. >you pick out the direction the train station was in
  2174. >and you fucking run
  2175. >as soon as the next train to Canterlot is safely underway, you take a deep breath
  2176. >and pull out your notebook
  2177. >you made a sketch of that portrait of Celestia
  2178. >though your artistic skills leave something to be desired
  2179. >let alone your artistic skills in a poorly-lit ruin
  2180. >it gets the point across at least well enough to be used for personal referencing
  2181. >looking at the costume, a word almost pops into your head
  2182. >it splashes around in the waters just beneath your consciousness
  2183. >it hovers at the very tip of your tongue
  2184. >but the word just doesn't quite come
  2185. >what the hell could it be?
  2186.  
  2187. >"We're very sorry Mr. Anon but the princess is at a very important meeting right now."
  2188. >the ponytailed secretary pony adjusts the glasses on her nose and looks at you like she wants you to go away now
  2189. "Well, I can wait. How long is she gonna be?"
  2190. >"We're very sorry Mr. Anon but the princess' schedule is just booked right now. I might be able to get you in for an appointment tomorrow."
  2191. "Do you see this fucking seal?"
  2192. >she sniffs contemptuously
  2193. >"You don't impress me, mister. Get an appointment or get out."
  2194. "The princess. Personally. Told me-"
  2195. >"Why, if it isn't Anonymous! Back so soon?"
  2196. >the newcomer in the room is an old, bearded unicorn in a star-spangled hat and cloak
  2197. >the secretary jumps out of her seat
  2198. >"Mr. The Bearded, are you off your meds again? I'm gonna have to report this to the princes- ah!"
  2199. >a tiny bolt of lightning arcs from Starswirl the Bearded's horn into the secretary's glasses, splitting them in two and sending them to the floor
  2200. >"Report that, you vile wench!"
  2201. >the angry wizard turns his gaze on you
  2202. "H-hey, Starswirl, old buddy. You need some help getting back to your room?"
  2203. >he rolls his eyes
  2204. >"You may stop treating me like I'm senseless. As this vulgar little trollop has said, I've skipped those horrid medications today. The pain in my hip is dreadful, but a dulled mind is much worse."
  2205. "Oh. Neat. Maybe you can help me then. I'm trying to give the princess a progress report, and maybe get a little more information out of her."
  2206. >Starswirl shakes his head
  2207. >"I'm afraid you really will have to wait til tomorrow. As I understand it, she's engaged in a most serious matter right now."
  2208. "Oh, damnit."
  2209. >"You must forgive Princess Twilight. She cares very deeply about your mission, and I doubt if there's anypony in the world who loves Celestia as much as that young mare does. All the same, being the princess comes with a rather tight schedule. Won't you stay the night?"
  2210. >you sigh
  2211. "No. No, probably not. I can try to swing by again tomorrow, but in the meanwhile there's at least one more person I can interview. Might as well not waste time."
  2212. >Starswirl smiles
  2213. >"I think Luna is right. Princess Twilight chose wisely to put you on this case."
  2214. "Huh? You guys are talking about me?"
  2215. >"Plenty of ponies are talking about you, Anonymous. Princess Celestia is a well-loved pony."
  2216. "No pressure, huh? Well, I'd better get going. I think the next train out west is leaving in about an hour."
  2217. >"May I ask who it is you're visiting in the west?"
  2218. "This other human I keep hearing about. I'm told he's been living with Princess Celestia."
  2219. >Starswirl's grin grows sardonic
  2220. >"Oh, yes, naturally. I won't keep you any longer, Anonyymous."
  2221. "Yup. See you around."
  2222. >no sooner do you exit the castle than a peal of laughter follows you out
  2223. >now what the hell has got him so jolly?
  2224.  
  2225. >the far western reaches of Equestria are covered in sprawling deserts
  2226. >but in the center of these deserts, an oasis blooms, where clear brooks babble beneath groves of exotic fruit trees
  2227. >this green island in a waterless sea is called Elysium
  2228. >for the past twenty years, it's been the home of Princess Celestia
  2229. >as the carriage (horse-drawn, interestingly enough) lets you off at the edge of this enchanted paradise, you can make out a shining marble palace amidst the trees
  2230. >the driver (who is also the horse) tips his hat
  2231. >"All right, pard. I'm headed back to Appleoosa. Be back in a couple of hours."
  2232. "Yup. Thanks for the lift."
  2233. >he nods
  2234. >"I surely do hope you find that Princess Celestia, mister. There ain't a pony in town who ain't worried sick about her."
  2235. >and with that, the cowboy pony wanders back into the desert
  2236. >and you make your way into the wall of green
  2237. >a few steps past a cluster of mango trees, and you can't even see the desert lying just beyond
  2238. >the cawing of tropical birds and the chittering of monkeys fill the air
  2239. >great fountains spout water over your head all the way down the path
  2240. >it's a nice place to retire, that's for sure
  2241. >finally, at the center of the grove, you see the radiant palace in all its glory
  2242. >not only is it utterly unlike any architecture you've ever glimpsed on Earth
  2243. >it also has nothing in common with the castles you've seen and read about so far in Equestria
  2244. >granted, you've only been in Equestria for three days
  2245. >but still
  2246. >the haunting, wonderful shape of Celestia's marble palace stretches high over the trees to shine like a second sun right here on the ground
  2247. >actually, it kind of hurts to look at
  2248. >squinting, you give huge door of polished oak a few raps with its own great, golden knocker
  2249. >after a few seconds, the door swings inward
  2250. >grateful for the blast of cool air, you step inside and shut the door behind you
  2251. >a number of apparently-magical brooms, mops, and featherdusters are working their way through the entrance hall at a relaxed pace
  2252. >but there's nobody in sight
  2253. >you try addressing one of the brooms
  2254. "Uh, hey. I heard there's someone named Anon living here. Is there any way I could, you know, talk to him?"
  2255. >the broom happily ignores you and goes on sweeping
  2256. "I'm talking to a fucking broom. Where did my life go so wrong?"
  2257. >a high-pitched voice calls out in annoyance
  2258. >"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming. I swear to fuck if this is another fucking reporter-"
  2259. >a very small earth pony enters the room
  2260. >juvenile, female, what the Newfag's Guide would call a "filly"
  2261. >the best word to describe her physical appearance?
  2262. >nondescript
  2263. >she's stopped at the sight of you to stare with wide, disturbed eyes
  2264. >poor kid must not get a lot of visitors out here
  2265. >time to break the ice
  2266. "Hey, kiddo. You know where I could talk to Mr. Anon?"
  2267. >the filly blinks
  2268. >then smirks
  2269. >then scoffs
  2270. >"You must be the newfag. Twiggles give you my book?"
  2271.  
  2272. >seated at a cyclopean oak table, the filly claps her hooves twice
  2273. >a plate of steaming, ruddy strips comes floating into the dining hall on invisible hands
  2274. >"Want some bacon? It's fucking soy bacon, but it's the best you're gonna get around here."
  2275. "Uh, no."
  2276. >"That's fine, tastes like shit anyway."
  2277. >she buries her face in the plate, coming away with a mouthful of soy bacon
  2278. >"Yap, tashte lek shih."
  2279. >upon swallowing, she shoots you a dirty look
  2280. >"Would you sit down, motherfucker? You're making me nervous."
  2281. "Yeah, yeah."
  2282. >you grab a seat and continue to stare at the little nondescript filly
  2283. >"Is there something on my face?"
  2284. "No, no, it's not that. It's just, um, I'd heard you were a little more... human."
  2285. >"Oh yeah, I was. Miss it like hell, too. Even now, I still catch myself trying to do shit with my fingers."
  2286. >she holds up a distinctly fingerless hoof for your inspection
  2287. >"And my dick, man. Not to be ironic, but I used to be hung like a horse."
  2288. "Mind if I ask what happened?"
  2289. >"Sure man, sure. I'd been living in Ponyville for a few years when it happened. Had friends, a house, even a job."
  2290. >without warning, she violently dashes the plate of fake bacon off the table
  2291. >"That shit is so fucking bad. Anyway, big magical shitstorm blows through town, real fucking big. Next thing you know, I'm two feet tall and my damn fucking dick is gone."
  2292. >she claps her hooves, resulting in yet another plate of steaming soy bacon floating into the room
  2293. >"I think it was Twilight's fault somehow. Only she was too busy being the princess to take any responsibility for it. So you know what happens?"
  2294. "What?"
  2295. >"Princess. Fucking. Celestia shows up and invites me to live in her pleasure palace with her. You gotta understand, man, I'm disabled now. I can't reach shelves, I can barely open doors, and I can't go outside without some dipshit mare cooing over how damn fucking cute I am. I need help to get around these days. Help and privacy."
  2296. >the filly gestures around the great dining hall
  2297. >"As you can see, I get plenty of both here. As for the princess, I think she was bored. Thought it might be interesting to watch me grow up again."
  2298. >the fresh plate of soy bacon smashes into a wall
  2299. >"But eighteen damn fucking years later and I haven't grown a motherfucking inch. Twilight says I'm probably gonna live forever like this."
  2300. >the filly sighs and slumps forward
  2301. >"And Celly always says that 'immortality is a bitter tea to drink.'"
  2302. "Huh?"
  2303. >"Bitter. Tea. Want me to write it down?"
  2304. "No, I... actually I think I'll write that down myself. Luna told me that Celestia always liked her tea bitter."
  2305. >the filly looks at you like you're retarded
  2306. >"It's just a figure of speech, man. I dunno, maybe she does take her tea bitter. We haven't eaten at this table together in a long time."
  2307. "Yeah, it's probably nothing. Just thought it was interesting."
  2308. >"Hey man, speaking of bitter shit, I know you just got here a couple days ago."
  2309. "Yeah?"
  2310. >"Got any smokes? Tobacco doesn't exist on this planet."
  2311. >you feel for the pack in your pocket
  2312. >yep, still there
  2313. "Yeah, actually. Trade you for a story."
  2314. >"A what?"
  2315. "You know, like a little anecdote about you and Celestia. I'm trying to pin down her personality, aggregate little details, stuff like that."
  2316. >"Uh, yeah, sure, I think I can do that. Lemme see..."
  2317.  
  2318. >you are Anon
  2319. >not the newfag Anon, you're the OG Anon
  2320. >though, disconcertingly, some ponies have started calling you "Nonny" since the incident happened
  2321. >right now, there's just one thing on your mind:
  2322. >how the fuck is this pegasus-drawn carriage staying aloft?
  2323. >like, shouldn't it be dangling below the guys who are pulling it?
  2324. >it doesn't seem like you're going nearly fast enough for this cart thing to be sticking straight out behind them like this
  2325. >and don't just say it's magic, motherfucker, that's the laziest shit ever
  2326. >fortunately, this break in physics won't be bothering you too much longer
  2327. >after a long - and extremely windy - flight, the carriage touches down on a grassy lawn in front of a big castle
  2328. >this must be the place
  2329. "Yo homes, smell you later."
  2330. >and you hop out onto the ground
  2331. >what? that cab WAS rare
  2332. >anyway, the carriage dudes fly away
  2333. >and you head toward the castle
  2334. >you open the door
  2335. >get the floor
  2336. >everybody walk the dinosaur
  2337.  
  2338. "Huh?"
  2339. >the filly shakes her head in disgust
  2340. >"Fucking newfags."
  2341. "So... is that it?"
  2342. >"Nah, there's more. Give me that cigarette though, I'm craving it, man."
  2343. >you flick a cancer stick across the table
  2344. >she catches it in her mouth
  2345. >"Hell yeah."
  2346. >through the side of her mouth, she makes a clicking noise with her tongue
  2347. >a spark appears at the end of the cigarette, and smoke shortly after
  2348. >"That spell was supposed to be for lighting candles."
  2349. "Hang on, so you're doing all these spells?"
  2350. >"Nah, Celly set these up ages ago. I'm just using them."
  2351. >she takes a long drag
  2352. >"Hey, aren't you gonna have one too?"
  2353. >you shake your head
  2354. "I haven't really wanted one since I woke up here."
  2355. >"That's good. Filthy habit. Disgusting, even."
  2356. "Eh, I guess."
  2357. >"You should just leave that whole pack here with me."
  2358. "Yeah, no."
  2359. >"Damnit. Worth a try. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah."
  2360.  
  2361. >the real Anon here again
  2362. >the door flies open before you even get a chance to knock on it
  2363. <"Anon! You're here!"
  2364. >whoah
  2365. >someone's overly excited
  2366. >poor old bag must not get a lot of visitors out here
  2367. >you hope she doesn't have an army of cats in that castle
  2368. "Yep. You did invite me, and I can't really maintain a house on my own anymore, so..."
  2369. >she nods
  2370. <"Yes, when I heard about the accident, I figured we could both benefit by being roommates, so to speak."
  2371. >you look up at the massive castle
  2372. "I mean, I see how I benefit. But what exactly do I have that helps you?"
  2373. >Celestia smiles
  2374. <"Truth be told, I'm not very good at retirement. But I understand that you were retired before coming to our world. Perhaps you could show me how to better enjoy my time off."
  2375. "Well technically I was just unemployed. I guess that's sort of the same thing though."
  2376. <"Oh! Why don't you come inside out of the heat? Breakfast is already waiting for you."
  2377. "Sure."
  2378. >stepping inside the palace is like stepping inside... well, a palace
  2379. <"I hope you'll find my little home adequate."
  2380. "Adequate? Princess, it's no exaggeration to say that Elysium is the nicest home on this planet. It's at least adequate."
  2381. >a slight stoop in Celestia's neck straightens out as she stands just a little taller
  2382. >but there's something a little off about it
  2383. "Real quiet in here, though."
  2384. >your hoofsteps echo through the empty, marble halls like gunshots in a graveyard
  2385. <"Yes, I'm trying to live quietly now."
  2386. "Don't you have any, you know, servants or anything running around here?"
  2387. <"Oh, no. With my magic, I really don't need the help."
  2388. "Well, sure, but..."
  2389. <"Not to worry. I've set up a few enchantments you can use to take care of yourself as well."
  2390. "That's great, but that's not really the point."
  2391. <"What do you mean?"
  2392. "I mean, there are some nice things about the idle life, princess, but long-term isolation isn't one of them. It de-humanizes you. I mean, de-ponyizes, I mean, you know what I mean. It'd be good to keep a little company."
  2393. <"I do have company."
  2394. "You do?"
  2395. <"You."
  2396. "Oh. Right."
  2397. <"And the dining hall is right here. I hope that's enough food for you."
  2398. >whoah
  2399. "Whoah."
  2400. >the huge, oaken table is stacked up high with fruits and pastries
  2401. >croissants, waffles
  2402. >and pancakes
  2403. >just absolute mountains of pancakes
  2404. >like, about a dozen plates of them
  2405. >all stacked up taller than you are
  2406. "Yeah, that should be about good."
  2407. >Celestia lets loose a hum of satisfaction
  2408. <"You enjoy yourself then. I'll be in my study if you need me."
  2409. "Wait, you're not eating with me?"
  2410. <"Oh, no. I need to... watch my figure. But you go right ahead. I'm sure we'll enjoy each other's company more later."
  2411.  
  2412. >"And, uh, she walked away. The end."
  2413. "That's it?"
  2414. >"Yep."
  2415. "For 18 years?"
  2416. >"Well I meant for that story. But, uh, honestly yeah. Pretty much. She never took my advice on hiring a little help, so it's just been me, her, and a whole lot of empty castle ever since."
  2417. >the cigarette, already done for somehow, falls from the filly's mouth
  2418. >"I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like we never spoke to each other again. It's just, uh, she seemed kind of... different from how she was before she retired. Kind of skittish, honestly."
  2419. >she cocks her head
  2420. >"I should probably explain, I kind of sort of knew the princess beforehand. Not well or anything, but I knew her through Twilight. Back when Twiggles was just some dork living in Ponyville."
  2421. >she smiles
  2422. >"Good times. Good fucking times. Anyway, Twilight was always sort of close to the princess, so sometimes I'd get to see her around Ponyville. And there was a side to Celestia that you just couldn't see in the newspapers. Real friendly. Kind of silly, almost."
  2423. >and she frowns
  2424. >"I dunno, maybe she just got a little crazy after a few years out here by herself. Feral. Like a deer. A real deer, not one of the talking ones they've got on this planet. You know what I mean?"
  2425. "Unfriendly."
  2426. >"Yeah. Yeah, unfriendly. Not, like, rude or mean. Just... I dunno, maybe shy?"
  2427. "Geez."
  2428. >"Not helpful?"
  2429. "No, it's plenty helpful. I just don't know what to make of it."
  2430. >"So... it didn't help you."
  2431. "I'm sure it will, it's just... how the hell do you figure someone who builds something like this palace, and then turns around and gets 'skittish' around someone an eighth her size?"
  2432. >"Can't help you there, pal."
  2433. >you stand up
  2434. "Anyway, my ride should be here about now. Thanks for the talk."
  2435. >"Hey, man, mind if I hitch a ride with you?"
  2436. "Back to Canterlot?"
  2437. >"Nah, I'll hop off the train at Ponyville. Figure it's about time I moved out of this place."
  2438. "Move out?"
  2439. >"Yeah, it's pretty clear now that Celestia doesn't really need me around. Anyway, I got friends in Ponyville; they won't let me starve. Might as well hang out with them while I still got them."
  2440. >she hops out of her chair
  2441. >"Besides, I can tell I've gotten a little weird myself out here."
  2442.  
  2443. Chapter Five
  2444.  
  2445. >you are Anon
  2446. >the original Anon, that is
  2447. >pre-accident
  2448. >still have your hands and dick
  2449. >Ponks McGonks is throwing yet another party
  2450. >you think it might be because Twiggles and the gang saved the world again
  2451. >but it might be because somebody ate a carrot
  2452. >you never can tell with Ponka
  2453. >well, Big Mac is on yet another emotional rant about his sister putting herself in danger
  2454. >and you're pretty sure that's Princess Celestia over by Twilight
  2455. >so it's probably not a carrot party
  2456. >ah yeah
  2457. >Sunbutt's got a huge butt
  2458. >heh heh
  2459. "I want Princess Celestia to pee in my mouth."
  2460. >Big Mac shuts up and shoots you a bewildered look
  2461. "Uh, I meant... uh... look man, I'm drunk off my ass."
  2462. >Big Mac nods
  2463. >turns around
  2464. >and silently vanishes into the crowd
  2465. >ugh
  2466. >everyone in town's gonna know you said that in about an hour
  2467. >and you're not even into that shit
  2468. >welp
  2469. >there's only one solution for it
  2470. "Hey Berry, more cider! Please, for the love of... oh, man."
  2471. >a wooden mug is set down in front of you by one smug alcoholic mare
  2472. >"You know, if you're into that kinda stuff, we could always-"
  2473. "I'm not!"
  2474. >you sort of stumble backwards out of the little stool and onto your feet
  2475. >without taking the cider, you make your shaky way outside
  2476. >just gotta get some fresh air
  2477. >there's a big blank spot in your memory right around here
  2478. >somehow you find yourself seated on the bench in town square maybe and hour or so later
  2479. >maybe it's the brisk autumn wind in the air
  2480. >or maybe it's the cold water - no doubt sourced from that fountain over there - stinging your face
  2481. >but you feel quite a bit more lucid now
  2482. <"Good evening, Mister Anonymous."
  2483. >oh, hey
  2484. >isn't that Princess Celestia?
  2485. "Hey, princess."
  2486. >a chilly wind blows a few dry leaves across the square
  2487. >the princess shivers slightly, but smiles
  2488. <"Would you believe, Anon, that I'm very fond of this sort of weather?"
  2489. >you shrug
  2490. "Why not?"
  2491. <"It seems a bit unfitting for the great Sun Princess, doesn't it?"
  2492. "I guess."
  2493. <"I can't help it. It reminds me of a simpler time."
  2494. "That's fair."
  2495. <"You seem very at ease. Most ponies go stiff whenever I walk by."
  2496. "Nah, I'm just plastered. Besides, I'm not a pony, am I?"
  2497. <"No. I suppose you're not. Anon, I was hoping to ask you a question."
  2498. "Sure."
  2499. <"What's this strange thing everypony keeps telling me you've said about me? It seems as though everypony in town but me has heard it."
  2500. "Strange thing?"
  2501. >IfIDieInThisWorld.flac
  2502. >somehow you end up on your knees
  2503. "Um, uh, well, I-"
  2504. >Celestia cuts you off with a dainty giggle
  2505. <"If you don't want to tell me, that's all right."
  2506. >a deep breath escapes your lips
  2507. "Th... thanks."
  2508. >she winks
  2509. <"I'll just let you hold onto it for now."
  2510.  
  2511. >the train comes to a halt in Ponyville
  2512. >"Well, guess this is my stop. Anyway, there's not much more to tell. She just went back to the party. Never asked me about it again, not even during all that time we lived together."
  2513. >the filly shrugs
  2514. >"Anyway, that just sort of came to me just now. Thinking about Ponyville, thinking about Celestia. I'd plain forgotten about it til now. Shit, it still makes me wanna kill myself."
  2515. "Yeah man, thanks. That was actually pretty helpful."
  2516. >"It was?"
  2517. "I think so. I don't know, I've just got a feeling."
  2518. >"Well I'm glad man. I hope something I said helps you find Sunbutt safe and sound. But, uh, just so you know..."
  2519. >her voice drops to a low hiss
  2520. >"If you let that story go down in any history books, I will end your life."
  2521. "Roger that."
  2522. >"Take it easy man."
  2523. >with that, the filly drops to the floor and trots off the train
  2524. >you watch her step out onto the platform through your window
  2525. >but all at once, a pink blur assails the unfortunate filly
  2526. >when the dust settles, you behold her struggling wildly in the constrictive hug of Ponka Po
  2527. >it's savage
  2528. >savage like a nature documentary
  2529. >Pumpkin Cake is out there too
  2530. >she catches your eye and waves shyly
  2531. >you wave back
  2532. >but Pinka Pae, with the rapid instincts of a predator, follows Pumpkin's gaze
  2533. >and she spots you
  2534. >immediately, your window is filled with a smiling, tapping, pink terror
  2535. >you cry out in horror
  2536. "Conductor! Conductor we've gotta go right now! Conductor we have a problem!"
  2537.  
  2538. >the train arrives safely in Canterlot, apparently free of pink horrors
  2539. >you step out into the city
  2540. >you don't particularly feel like heading to the castle
  2541. >but you don't know your way around town well enough to go anywhere else
  2542. >so, there you go
  2543. >the same secretary pony from yesterday glares at you from over her taped-up glasses
  2544. >"How may I help you, Mister Anonymous?"
  2545. "Hey. You said that tomorrow I'd be able to see the princess."
  2546. >"Uh huh."
  2547. "Well, it's tomorrow."
  2548. >"And?"
  2549. "I have business. With the princess."
  2550. >"Mister Anonymous, if you will remember correctly, what I told you was that you could schedule an appointment for tomorrow."
  2551. "Yeah."
  2552. >"As far as I recall, you never actually scheduled anything."
  2553. >of its own accord, your fist slams down onto the desk
  2554. "LISTEN YOU MOTHERFUCKING-"
  2555. >a polite cough from behind your shoulder checks your rant
  2556. >"I believe I can help you, Anonymous."
  2557. >it's Princess Luna
  2558. "Oh. Hey, princess."
  2559. >Luna smiles gently
  2560. >"Excuse me, miss. My friend and I have some very important business with Princess Twilight. If you'd be so good as to tell us where we could find her, we'll be on our way."
  2561. >the secretary sniffs
  2562. >"Got an appointment?"
  2563. >Luna stammers
  2564. >"Appointment? Why, I am a princess."
  2565. >the secretary pushes her glasses up on her nose
  2566. >"Sorry, princess EMERITUS, can't help you."
  2567. >thunderclouds gather over Luna's head
  2568. >no, literally, those are actual thunderclouds
  2569. >but she closes her eyes
  2570. >takes a deep breath
  2571. >and smiles
  2572. >"Well. Thank you anyway."
  2573. >Luna wraps one wing around your waist and herds you deeper into the castle
  2574. >"Bitch."
  2575. "Huh?"
  2576. >Luna shakes her head
  2577. >"N-nothing. Come with me, Anonymous; my old study is still kept as it was when I lived here. Twilight will probably come visit when she hears I'm here. You can wait with me there, if you'd like."
  2578. >you shake your head
  2579. "No, that's fine. I don't need to see her that bad."
  2580. >"Oh. What did you come here for, then?"
  2581. "Not really sure. Guess I just don't know where to go next."
  2582. >"Hm. I think what you need, Anonymous, is some time to sort out your thoughts. Tell me, when's the last time you slept in a bed?"
  2583. "A bed? Uh..."
  2584. >well last night it was the train
  2585. >night before that it was also the train
  2586. >and the night before that it was in that library
  2587. "Three days or so, I guess. Why?"
  2588. >"You look exhausted."
  2589. "No, I'm-"
  2590. >an explosive yawn bursts from your lungs
  2591. "... fine."
  2592. >"How about this? There's a guest bedroom in the castle with a rather extensive library in it. I don't think Twilight will mind if I let you spend the night there. You can spend a few hours researching if you'd like, and then you can get a proper night's rest. Things should seem clearer in the morning."
  2593.  
  2594. >you ended up not spending a few hours researching
  2595. >in fact, based on the ornate grandfather clock in the corner of the room, it seems like all you did was spend a lot of hours sleeping
  2596. >close to 18, in fact
  2597. >welp
  2598. >there's a little desk right over there
  2599. >you lay down your notebook and the Newfag's Guide on it
  2600. >then you turn to the bookshelves
  2601. >there's a number of interesting titles
  2602. >A History of the Horn Rot Plague, Veteran of the Monster Wars, A Summary of the Inter-Lunar Millenium, The Ascension of Princess Twilight, and...
  2603. >you pause
  2604. >Notes From an Old Princess
  2605. >you grab it, along with the rest, and set it down on the desk
  2606. >ah, shit
  2607. >where the hell do you even start here?
  2608. "Fuck it."
  2609. >you flip open all the books to their tables of contents
  2610. >like a man in a fever, without rhyme or reason, you pick out whatever sounds interesting, flip to it, and jot something down from it
  2611. >unfamiliar terms and topics send you looking for more books to look them up
  2612. >which in turn leads to more random flipping
  2613. >every so often, you make a mental connection between a note you're taking with a note you've already taken
  2614. >as you go on, it happens more and more often
  2615. >a pattern begins to emerge
  2616. >a single word claws its way into the forefront of your mind
  2617. >an idea is born
  2618. "No way..."
  2619. >"Ah, Anonymous, you're still here after all."
  2620. "Huh?"
  2621. >you turn around
  2622. >Princess Luna and Starswirl the Bearded have entered the room
  2623. >the princess shakes her head
  2624. >"My, look at this mess. Did you actually get any sleep last night?"
  2625. "Yeah, yeah. Good advice, that. I think I'm on the right track now."
  2626. >"What about this night?"
  2627. "Huh?"
  2628. >you look at the clock in the corner
  2629. >holy shitballs that's late
  2630. "Well, you know, I was gonna, uh... so what are you doing in Canterlot, anyway? Weren't you meditating or something?"
  2631. >Luna and Starswirl share a grin
  2632. >"What did I tell you? Isn't he just like her?"
  2633. "Who-"
  2634. >Starswirl nods
  2635. >"In some ways, yes. I certainly remember a tenacious little filly who wouldn't rest til she'd gotten what she'd put her mind to."
  2636. >"A good match, wouldn't you say?"
  2637. >"Oh, no doubt about it."
  2638. >you stand up
  2639. "Well I think I'm about done for tonight. If you two just wanna get on out of here..."
  2640. >Luna nods
  2641. >"Oh, certainly."
  2642. >"We wouldn't want to disturb you."
  2643. >"Maybe a little bit."
  2644. >"A tiny bit."
  2645. >eventually, they do leave
  2646. >and you slump back down in front of the desk
  2647. >you flip through your notes
  2648. >the pieces you thought were coming together
  2649. >you can't seem to figure how they fit anymore
  2650. >you shake your head
  2651. "Fuck it."
  2652. >and you turn out the light
  2653.  
  2654. >all right
  2655. >three days in this room with nothing but all these books is too much
  2656. >you're going outside
  2657. >to do what exactly?
  2658. >you're not sure
  2659. >you'll
  2660. >you'll think of something
  2661. >it feels like everything you need to crack this case is already jotted down in your notebook
  2662. >now if you could just figure out what ties it all together
  2663. >Luna had implied that she's still largely the same person she was a thousand years ago
  2664. >could the same be true of Celestia?
  2665. >what common thread could possibly connect the raging child Starswirl told you about with the skittish hermit the filly told you about?
  2666. >hell, Luna also claimed that you had something in common with Celestia
  2667. >but what in the ever-loving fuck could a NEET have in common with an immortal, all-powerful ruler?
  2668. >Starswirl used the word "tenacious"
  2669. >but that doesn't feel right
  2670. >after all, if you were tenacious above all else, you probably wouldn't have been a jobless shut-in
  2671. >there's another word
  2672. >a better word
  2673. >it's the key to unraveling the mystery of Celestia
  2674. >it's got to be
  2675. >such are your thoughts as you aimlessly stalk down the palace's marble corridors
  2676. >such are your thoughts as you walk face-first into a big purple pony princess
  2677. >"Anon! There you are. I heard you've been wanting to talk with me."
  2678. "Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I, uh, figured it was time for a status update."
  2679. >"Sure. How's the search going?"
  2680. "Well. I did find out about a secret room in the old castle from Princess Luna. But there wasn't any trace of Celestia there."
  2681. >"I see."
  2682. "Now, as you know, I've also been trying to get a picture in my head of Celestia as a person. Starswirl and Luna told me what she was like a thousand years ago. I got a hold of that other Anon and he - she? whatever - gave me a summary of what Celestia had been like in her daily life since retiring. And I've just spent the past two days reading to figure out what she was doing in between."
  2683. >Twilight nods
  2684. >"And what do you think of her?"
  2685. >you shake your head
  2686. "I don't know. Luna asked me the other day, and I said she seemed 'normal.' And in a way I guess she sort of does seem like a normal person to me."
  2687. >"Really?"
  2688. "Sort of. I don't know. I don't think it's the best answer I could have given. It's like I'm just missing one more thing to figure this out. Like there's just one more person I need to talk to."
  2689. >you shrug
  2690. "So I was kind of hoping to ask you about Celestia. After all, you know her pretty well."
  2691. >Twilight nods
  2692. >"That's a good idea, Anon. You're right. I've known Celestia almost my entire life. I care about her a lot."
  2693. >and she frowns
  2694. >"But how do I describe somepony like that? It's like... asking me to analyze one of the best things that ever happened to me."
  2695. >you shake your head
  2696. "Don't analyze. Just tell me. Anything. Actually, just one thing. Yeah. Just one thing."
  2697. >"One thing?"
  2698. "Yeah. What's your favorite memory with Celestia?"
  2699. >Twilight bites her lip
  2700. >"That's hard, Anon. There's so many. When I was little, and I'd pass a test. When I was older and I'd learned something on my own. Whenever my friends and I stopped a monster. When I was made an alicorn princess. When she handed me the keys to the kingdom. She'd always come to me. And she'd say..."
  2701.  
  2702. <"I'm so proud of you."
  2703.  
  2704. >your heart skips a beat
  2705. "I think that's it."
  2706. >Twilight blinks
  2707. >"Huh?"
  2708. "Princess Twilight, how far north do the trains go?"
  2709. >"Um, as far as Yakyakistan, just a bit north of the Crystal Empire. Why?"
  2710. "I think I can work with that. I'll be back in a few days, princess."
  2711. >"Where are you going?"
  2712. "To meet Princess Celestia."
  2713.  
  2714. -Canterlot-
  2715.  
  2716. >fortunately, there was a train to Yakyakistan due to take off about twenty minutes from now
  2717. >you're already waiting on it
  2718. >looking Canterlot Castle, it occurs to you that there's someone else there you could have spoken to
  2719. >Prince Blueblood
  2720. >according to your reading, he's a distant descendant of the Blueblood from Platinum's story
  2721. >you think he's actually Prince Blueblood the Seventh or something
  2722. >like all descendants of the old triarchs, Blueblood was raised to regard Celestia as an aunt
  2723. >as far as you know, he's still serving in the castle
  2724. >having grown up in Celestia's court, it's perfectly likely that he could have some interesting insights into the years leading up to Celestia's meeting Twilight
  2725. >on the off-chance you don't find Celestia on this trip, you'll probably speak with him
  2726. >but then again
  2727. >you're not sure just how well a descendant of Platinum could have known Celestia anyway
  2728.  
  2729. -Ponyville-
  2730.  
  2731. >a short ways down Canterlot Mountain, you can make out Ponyville
  2732. >one thing about Ponyville that really surprised you during your reading?
  2733. >apparently Discord is living there now
  2734. >as are Twilight's five closest friends, who she apparently considers her equals on the throne
  2735. >which, in a way, makes modern Equestria a heptarchy
  2736. >these figures would probably have at least as much insight into Celestia's personality as the filly
  2737. >however, that pink pony is apparently one of them
  2738. >you're not sure you're ready to brave that
  2739.  
  2740.  
  2741. -North Star-
  2742.  
  2743. >you awaken the next morning, still on the train
  2744. >beyond the windows, a gray dawn hangs over a sparse plain
  2745. >at this point in the train ride, most of the riders are tourists on their way to the Crystal Empire
  2746. >they're sightseers, interested in famous locales
  2747. >that's probably why a conductor enters the train car and points out the windows
  2748. >out there in the distant plains is a small collection of ruined stone huts
  2749. >"And if you'll look to your right, you'll see a little village called North Star. That's where the old princesses were born."
  2750. >the sightseers ooh and aah at the heap of indistinct rubble
  2751. >North Star is, of course, not your intended destination
  2752. >Celestia was once given the choice to take her old birthplace as a home
  2753. >she declined the offer
  2754.  
  2755. -Crystal Empire-
  2756.  
  2757. >during the hour-long overlay at the Crystal Empire, the herds of grinning tourists leave the train
  2758. >they're replaced by a small number of bored-looking crystal ponies
  2759. >buisinessponies and diplomats, with some affair or other to attend to in Yakyakistan
  2760. >as you wait for the train to take off, it occurs to you that you could use this stop to take one more interview
  2761. >the Crystal Empire is apparently home to a mare named Cadance
  2762. >Cadance's mother, a distant descendant of Commander Flurry Wing, was the last of the pegasus commanders
  2763. >but that's because Cadance was the first alicorn to be born in over a thousand years
  2764. >between her ancestry and her race, Cadance was given the rank of princess
  2765. >Celestia, having first-hand knowledge of the special needs of alicorn foals, took a very active role in Cadance's early life
  2766. >Princess Cadance was, in over a thousand years, the closest thing that Princess Celestia ever had to a child of her own
  2767. >and that's including Princess Twilight and the filly
  2768. >ultimately, you decide not to speak with Cadance
  2769. >maybe on the way back, if your theory happens to be wrong
  2770. >but it doesn't seem really necessary right now
  2771. >however, a bit of reflection on Cadance offers an interesting insight into Celestia's mind, and strengthens your conviction that you're on the right track
  2772. >consider this:
  2773. >at the time of Celestia's retirement, there were two younger princesses
  2774. >the one she raised
  2775. >and the one she made
  2776. >when it came time for Celestia to choose her successor
  2777. >she chose the one she made
  2778.  
  2779. -Yakyakistan-
  2780.  
  2781. >holy BALLS it's cold
  2782. >it's noticeably less harsh than the plains surrounding the Crystal Empire
  2783. >but still
  2784. >you should have invested in a coat or something before getting on that train
  2785. >the first thing you do here is drop the rest of your bits on a yak-hair coat
  2786. >it's yak-sized, and the yak whose hair went into that coat insisted that you declare it "best coat" multiple times before allowing you to leave
  2787. >all the same, you're much more ready to proceed with your journey now
  2788. >now all you've gotta do is...
  2789. > walk from here to the northern coast
  2790. >shit
  2791.  
  2792. -Urheimat-
  2793.  
  2794. >this was an unbelievably poorly-thought out plan
  2795. >you've taken to travelling by night
  2796. >just because it's too cold to sleep at any time other than midday, even wrapped up in the massive yak-coat
  2797. >you've gone days without food
  2798. >and only precious little water
  2799. >it seems as though this last leg of Celestia's ancient journey is more than a little beyond your capacity
  2800. >though that's probably got a lot to do with the fact that a pony going this way could just eat the grass
  2801. >without warning, your knees buckle beneath you
  2802. >and your face hits the ground
  2803. >man
  2804. >that's just not fair
  2805. >the worst part?
  2806. >you can see the ruins from here
  2807.  
  2808. >surprisingly, you wake up
  2809. >looks like somebody moved you while you were out
  2810. >you're wrapped in your yak-hair coat on a large, silken divan
  2811. >the divan has been positioned in front of a roraring fireplace
  2812. >no wonder you woke up
  2813. >it's hot as hell like this
  2814. >you cast off the coat and stand up
  2815. >the room you're in is a great, ancient hall
  2816. >it's crumbling with the passage of time
  2817. >but no less grand for that
  2818. >the jade floor beneath your feet has been worn a bit rough
  2819. >the vaulted dome of lapis lazuli above your head appears to be missing dozens of jewels from the dazzling frescoes embedded in its surface
  2820. >the cloth-of-gold banners on the marble walls, waving on a wayward draft, are tattered and frayed at the ends
  2821. >between the breeze and the fireplace, it's not actually silent in the ancient hall
  2822. >yet those soft, lonely sounds only serve to make it seem all the more quiet
  2823. >like the silence of the tomb
  2824. >and, if you're not mistaken, that high slab in the center of the hall really is...
  2825. >by instinct, your approach is soft and stealthy
  2826. >the slab bears a dusty, golden plaque
  2827. >and when you brush off the dust, it reads
  2828. "Plætinum Regolyn"
  2829. >regolyn
  2830. >would that be another word for princess?
  2831. <"It's Old Ponish. The language had largely died out in my day, but it still had its ceremonial uses."
  2832. "It's hard to believe you'd settle down so close to her."
  2833. >you turn around
  2834. "Princess Celestia."
  2835. >if not for her mane, flowing on its invisible wind, you could almost believe her to be an ivory statue, so still does she stand as she considers your words
  2836. <"I take it, then, that your coming here was more than mere chance."
  2837. >you nod
  2838. "Twilight sent me."
  2839. <"How did she know?"
  2840. "She didn't."
  2841. <"Then how did you know?"
  2842. "Twilight told me. And Starswirl. And Luna. And Anon. And a history student you probably never met, and a bunch of other historians too."
  2843. >you look back at the slab behind you
  2844. "And, of course, her too."
  2845. >Celestia allows a smile to grace her lips
  2846. <"How cryptic. Did you rehearse our meeting?"
  2847. "Oh yeah. A lot. I got tons of weird looks on the train."
  2848. >the princess visibly relaxes
  2849. <"Well. At any rate, you found me. I started a pot of hot soup after dragging you here; how about we continue talking over that?"
  2850. "Sure. Sounds-"
  2851. >an explosive growl erupts from your stomach
  2852. "-good to me."
  2853.  
  2854. >the soup was pretty good
  2855. >the conversation not so much
  2856. >so far, she's just sort of...
  2857. >stared at you
  2858. >Celestia has evidently had time to set up similar serving-enchantments to the ones you saw at Elysium
  2859. >and the dishes float away on invisible hands as soon as you're done with them
  2860. >and now
  2861. >there's nothing for it but to talk
  2862. >now if only you knew what to say
  2863. <"So."
  2864. "Yeah?"
  2865. <"How is it, exactly, that a human being I've never met before not only set out looking for me, but made it almost to my very doorstep?"
  2866. >you nod
  2867. "Woke up in Ponyville maybe a little more than a week ago, the day after everyone noticed you were gone. Twilight figured it was destiny or something, offered me a lot of money to come find you."
  2868. >she frowns
  2869. <"Go on."
  2870. "So I set about looking for you. Er, sort of."
  2871. >you scratch your head
  2872. "The note you left, about going home for a while, it wasn't much of a clue to go off of. Twilight must have gotten a whole army looking for you the instant she got that note, because she'd already had all the likely candidates for 'home' searched by the time I met her."
  2873. <"Really?"
  2874. "Oh yeah. So I started talking to people who know you. Trying to get a hint, you know? I think it was your sister who really put me on the right track though."
  2875. <"She knew?"
  2876. "No. The lead she gave me ended up being a dead end. But, see, she asked me what I thought of you. And that got me thinking."
  2877. >you lean forward
  2878. "Princess Celestia, you are fascinating. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized. I was less interested in where you are, and more interested in who you are. And that's what led me here."
  2879. >Princess Celestia does not answer you
  2880. >a steaming teapot floats onto the table, accompanied by a pair of teacups
  2881. >the princess uses her horn to pour herself a cup
  2882. >and, without doing anything else to it, takes a sip of the hot, bitter liquid
  2883. >finally, she speaks
  2884. <"And who am I?"
  2885. >this next thing you want to say
  2886. >it's one of the many things you rehearsed on the train
  2887. >but, you know
  2888. >now at the moment of truth
  2889. >looking her in the eye
  2890. >it's kind of hard to say
  2891. >okay
  2892. >take a NEET who'd rather trek across an alien world, even risking his life at times, than admit he lied about having a job
  2893. >take an immortal alicorn princess who'd rather be missing than retired
  2894. >what do they have in common?
  2895. "Pride."
  2896. >the word comes out in a mumble
  2897. >she doesn't hear you
  2898. <"Hm?"
  2899. >you take a deep breath
  2900. "Princess Celestia."
  2901. >and you stand up
  2902. "You are a proud pony."
  2903.  
  2904. >slowly
  2905. >the princess nods
  2906. <"What is your name?"
  2907. >it's not quite what you were expecting to hear
  2908. "Anonymous. Just like the other guy."
  2909. <"I see."
  2910. >slowly
  2911. >the princess takes a sip from her tea
  2912. >sets her cup down
  2913. <"I suppose, Anonymous, that you could say that. That I am proud."
  2914. >and she adjusts her gaze
  2915. >looks you straight in the eye
  2916. <"So tell me. Now that you've found me, what exactly do you intend to do?"
  2917. >you blink
  2918. >hadn't really thought about that
  2919. "I guess, uh, I was hoping you'd come back with me."
  2920. <"Back to Canterlot?"
  2921. "That sounds right."
  2922. >Princess Celestia stands up
  2923. >she is by far the tallest pony you've met so far
  2924. >the only one whose eye level is above yours, at any rate
  2925. <"I wonder, Anonymous, why you should have thought something like that, if you'd figured me a proud pony."
  2926. "Huh?"
  2927. >the princess' massive wings flare outward
  2928. >and the Celestia you see is not the filly's skittish hermit
  2929. >nor is she Luna's proud sister
  2930. >nor is she Starswirl's angry foal
  2931. >she is Platinum's imperious goddess, no longer a young mare
  2932. <"Do you think this is a game of hide and seek? That I'd simply concede I'd lost and give up?"
  2933. >by instinct, you retreat a step
  2934. "G-give up what?"
  2935. >the ancient monarch's lip curls down
  2936. <"That is none of your business."
  2937. >the primieval displeasure of the great sun princess beats down on your mind like a lash
  2938. >but somehow
  2939. >almost beyond your control
  2940. >you feel your eyebrows knit tight
  2941. "So what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
  2942. >her brow cocks
  2943. <"I suggest you forget about all this and go home."
  2944. >and, with a sneer
  2945. <"I'm sorry if you don't get your ton of money."
  2946. "Go home? How long's that other guy been here? More than twenty damn years? I don't think I can go home Lady, I've been on this planet all of a week, and instead of getting settled down somewhere I've spent that whole damn week looking for you. I almost froze my ass out there looking for you. Fuck the money, this is about- this is about... I told motherfucking Twilight Sparkle that I was a detective, but I'm not! I'm a motherfucking... a motherfucking... You know what I did before getting here?"
  2947. >you gesture around at the empty palace
  2948. "This! Nothing! I'm a motherfucking nothing, but I found you. I found you! Me, and nobody else. I want... I want credit for that. If you won't come with me, I'll... I'll tell the whole damn world exactly where the fuck you are, and all those millions of ponies who motherfucking love you, they'll come find you too. Fuck you!"
  2949. >the eyes of the great sun princess smoulder and spark with mounting rage
  2950. <"Millions of ponies who love me? I'd been here more than a month before anypony noticed I'd gone."
  2951. >the words actually pressurize your throat til you let them loose
  2952. "Well, shit, that's your own damn fault. Starswirl... motherfucking Starswirl the Bearded, he's got, he's got hip pains so bad that the meds he's on make him act like he's got motherfucking alzheimers. And you know what the first thing he said to me about you was? He said he hadn't seen you in such a long time. You wanna spend another fifty years up here? He's sure as shit not gonna be around by the time you get back. And-and the look Twilight gets in her eye when she talks about you, and the way Luna still feels so fucking bad about that fight she had with you a thousand years ago, and the random people who would walk up to me and tell me about how motherfucking much they hoped you were okay, and- and- I'm sending every single damn fucking one of them up here to see you whether you like it or motherfucking not!"
  2953. >it feels like you're rambling
  2954. >but Princess Celestia seems to comprehend every word
  2955. >her gaze turns dangerous
  2956. <"I can keep you from leaving."
  2957. >you smack Celestia's damn fucking teapot off the damn fucking table
  2958. "Fine. I've been told I make a really shitty roommate."
  2959. >the sun princess snarls
  2960. <"Then go! You think this is the only place I can go to live in peace? I know hundreds of spots like this. There will be no sign I was ever here by the time you reach Canterlot!"
  2961. "Well that's fine! Because before I get to Canterlot I'm gonna go to your shitty forest castle and take a big piss all over your secret room!"
  2962. <"Get out!"
  2963. "I'm gone, bitch!"
  2964. >you head over to the divan by the fireplace
  2965. >throw on your giant yak coat
  2966. >stick the end of one of your cigarettes into the tall flames
  2967. >and stride out the great double doors at the end of the hall with it
  2968.  
  2969. >once again, making this trek on foot is a really bad idea
  2970. >but you kind of already said you were leaving
  2971. >shit
  2972. >a long drag from the cigarette does nothing to soothe your nerves
  2973. >now fucking what?
  2974. >where do you go?
  2975. >it's only just sunk in today that you're probably never seeing home again
  2976. >and Twilight's probably not gonna believe what happened when you tell her
  2977. >which means not only do you not get that house and money
  2978. >you probably also can't sleep in the castle anymore
  2979. >what the hell are you gonna do
  2980. >another deep, nicotine-laden breath fails to provide any answers
  2981. "Damnit."
  2982. >you start walking in the direction you think is south
  2983. >fuck it, maybe you can just disappear somewhere too
  2984. >grow a beard and spend the rest of your life shagging yaks or something
  2985. >you don't know
  2986. >you're just heading south
  2987. >somewhere overhead, a low moan rattles through the sky
  2988. >looking up, you behold what appears to be a ghostly horse prancing frantically across the sky
  2989. >Luna said something about some sort of magical wind creature still haunting these parts, didn't she?
  2990. >creepy fucking place, you'll be glad to get away from it
  2991. >hell, and now it's snowing
  2992. >you pick up the pace
  2993. <"Anonymous."
  2994. >you stop
  2995. <"Come inside, I don't much need you freezing to death on my very doorstep."
  2996. "I thought you were leaving this shithole."
  2997. <"And I thought you said I was the proud one. Come."
  2998. >you're lifted off your feet and whisked backward through the air
  2999. >shortly, you're set back down on the jade floor of the ancient hall
  3000. "Fine. I'm gone when the snow stops though."
  3001. <"The snow won't stop until-"
  3002. >she sighs
  3003. <"Nevermind."
  3004. >she sits down on the floor
  3005. >outside, the wind howls
  3006. >inside, the banners on the wall flutter a bit faster
  3007. >and a few flakes of snow find their way in on the wind
  3008. >they don't last very long in the fire-heated hall
  3009. >most of them vanish before they have a chance to reach your head
  3010. "What are you staring at me for?"
  3011. <"That thing in your mouth. What is it?"
  3012. "This? It's a cigarette. Lets me breathe in smoke."
  3013. >Celestia blinks
  3014. <"That can't taste very good."
  3015. "Tastes terrible. Want one?"
  3016. <"I'll try one."
  3017. "Here. Just light that end on fire. There. Now just, yeah, that's it."
  3018. >Princess Celestia takes her first drag like she's been chain-smoking for decades
  3019. >no coughing, no sputtering, not even a funny look on her face
  3020. >then she takes her second
  3021. <"That does taste terrible. I see the appeal."
  3022.  
  3023. >outside, the wind drops to a low rustle
  3024. <"I think I was angry with you for noticing."
  3025. "Hm?"
  3026. <"The last time somepony noticed I was... proud, it was my sister. I didn't get to see her for quite a long time afterwards."
  3027. >you nod
  3028. "Time before that, you got handed your own kingdom."
  3029. >Celestia hums
  3030. <"But the first time it happened, I was made to say 'please.'"
  3031. "How many times has Starswirl made you relive that?"
  3032. <"Too many."
  3033. >outside, the wind grows silent
  3034. "Sounds like the snow's over."
  3035. <"Yes."
  3036. "I'll get going then. Unless you think it'll come back."
  3037. <"It won't."
  3038. "All right. See you."
  3039. >with one motion, you thrust open the doors and stride outside
  3040. >the snow only lasted a few minutes, and there's not much of it on the ground
  3041. >the cold, dry grass rustles loudly beneath your steps
  3042. >you're pretending not to hear the rustling steps just behind you
  3043. <"Anon. Wait."
  3044. "Hm?"
  3045. <"What are you going to tell ponies?"
  3046. "I dunno. I found you, you're safe, but you're not ready to come back yet."
  3047. >you turn around and look at her
  3048. "Unless you are now."
  3049. >she frowns
  3050. <"The first time I was here, I was happy to occupy myself with research and magic practice. Now, I can't quite seem to focus on things like that."
  3051. >a small, fluttering shape overhead catches your eye
  3052. <"You could say that I'm... bored here."
  3053. >the shape is one last snowflake, shining like platinum in the pale sunlight
  3054. <"I'm still not sure what to do with retirement, but for now- oh!"
  3055. >the lone snowflake lands on Celestia's nose
  3056. >her eyes cross as she looks at it
  3057. >and she smiles
  3058. <"I suppose I'll go home for a while."

Horse Confessions

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Anon Tried to Kill Himself

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